“Watch yourself… friend Fred.” But we were not friends, Pablo and myself. “I know you think because you’re ‘uptown money’ you can steal the jelly right off my sandwich, but you can’t,” Pablo panted with his usual insane fervor, “I’ll report you to the RA.”

I had the recent pleasure of knowing the intimate details of and meeting Pablo (in that order) only 1 week ago when we first shook hands outside our newly assigned dorm room at university. “Why is your hand so sticky?” I said as I wiped the warm strawberry jelly off of my right hand onto my jeans. Pablo just smiled as he walked backward into our new dorm, “Oh… I think we are going to be best friends.”

The following 7 days were nothing short of a front row seat to an insane asylum. Pablo’s half of the dorm swiftly filled with stacks of 8, 16, 32, and 64 ounce jars of a wide and surprisingly enlightening number of varieties of jellies. The “Classics” as he called them – strawberry and grape - were the first to grace the floor and windowsills of our room. Soon to follow were a unique spread of spreads I had never even conceived of; avocado, kumquat, cantaloupe, dragon fruit, banana, cucumber, maple syrup, and mustard to name a few. After a day or two of polite toleration, I mentioned that some of his “Bold Choice” jellies described above were probably not in the category of a “jelly” and were condiments and dips. After ignoring my comment, Pablo gracefully responded the next day with a lovely “mustard jelly” wall graffiti on my side of the dorm spelling out “JUDAS”.

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My newfound friendship could thankfully be avoided for large chunks of the day through classes, extra-curricular activities, and my actual friends in the dorm rooms adjacent mine, but nothing gave me more pleasure than to think of the peanut butter and toothpaste jelly sandwich waiting on my pillow for me at home.

I found within the first week that I could stand this new queer arrangement as I was a very active young man outside of the dorm and was a quick and heavy sleeper. I was even, after a few days, able to sleep through Pablo’s nightly “Tea Parties” which involved whispering to various jars of jelly under his blanket. But an event occurred on the evening of my 7th day rooming with The Jelly Man that would change my positive outlook.

I returned to my dorm that night around 11pm following my 2nd rehearsal of the drama club’s production of Shrek the Musical. Not wanting my friends in the hall to ask any questions concerning my secret musical passions, I sneakily crept through the hallway and skipped my customary knock on my door usually alerting Pablo of my entrance. I entered the room unannounced to find Pablo, to my horror, whacking one off to a poster of Shrek with an open and half full jar of the classic strawberry jelly on his bed.

Pablo halted his endeavors, turned around and looked me in the eyes to whisper, “It’s all ogre now.”