Looking back on love, or how I approached my love life, I’m forced to admit I was very atypical. Or we were to be precise. This would be the first life, before the fracturing, that lead to who I am now or the several people I had become in-between.

We were atypical in other ways a well. For one there were two women in my life, both knew about each other and were happy with me and themselves. In the end we were all living together normal conventions be dammed. They both gave me two wonderful children, and the kids grew with two wonderful and loving moms. Its easy to understand why I broke. The pain is still there, but now after the reforging I am bigger than it, perhaps bigger then any normal pain. I’m thankful for the gift of being able to remember them and not breaking. It was a disservice to them to lose myself like that. I’d always thought I was strong in my past life. Looking back, I realize I was strong, just brittle and inflexible. Like an improper forged weapon, it took just the right application of force and bang, so many splinters. …

The first time I met Theresa was in grade school. I had gone over to my friend’s house to play. She was his sister, a year younger then either of us. Rob was my first friend id made after moving into the area with my parents, and luckily was also in the same 4th grade class. To be honest the first time I met her she was a little spooky. She was very quiet, and showed no emotion on her face regardless of what was going on. Dirty blonde hair in pigtails, and deep brown eyes that seemed to blink in oddly long intervals. She would just stare and watch, not just me but everything. She could speak, and her voice was soft and whisper like, but never more than a few words at a time. She would ghost around Rob and myself, whenever I came over. Rob said she had some issues with her head, and that was why she was like that. After a while I got used to her always being around and having her parents force us to let er join in on our playing. By the time I hit 7th grade, things had changed. She was smart, she had jumped a grade, and was now in the same one as me. She could have jumped more and when I asked her why she didn’t, she just shook her head and said in her soft whisper voice, “I’m where I want to be.” That had been a full-on conversation as far as she was concerned.

Rob and I were still friends, though with the advent of 7th grade and junior high multiple classes, we didn’t see each other as much. Theresa however seemed to have the same 2 elective classes as I had as well as English. With the same lunch periods we just sort of hung out, it wasn’t any different than the last few years, and I was comfortable around her, unlike all the other girls in school. Id learn later she jumped grades to be closer with me, and she chose the same electives for the same reason. Like I said she was smart, and she always acted in a way that would help her achieve her own goals. I just didn’t know I was one of her objectives. It was during this junior high school timeframe that a few things happened that while seemed unimportant at the time, were in fact the start of well everything.

The First was… well we became more then friends. I’m honestly, not quite sure how it happened. There were no awkward moments, no teen angst about how I felt and what if she didn’t feel the same. We were friends, then somewhere near the end of 7th grade, we were more… I can’t even tell you when it happened. We went from just being together for company, to being together because we cared for each other. At the end of the year, we were holding hands, whispering things, and kissing when we felt like it. Even looking back, I cant find one defining moment, one part of my past life where things changed. It just had, without any thought or effort. We were friends then somehow, we were more.

The 2nd thing was divorce. Her and Robs parents were having trouble. It got so bad that we started hanging out at my house, this was after years of their house being the go-to place. They didn’t want to see it and I was out of my element with all of it. So, for the last half of my 7th grade year, we all hung out at my place. Rob was a bit mad once he figured out, I was his sisters’ boyfriend. He got over it though and I didn’t do anything with his sister when he was around. Hell, I couldn’t even explain how it happened to him, as again I had no clue. He just shook his head and said whatever. The divorce happened during the summer; the parents decided it would be best between the school years so there would be plenty of time to get things settled. The Dad was staying in the house, his work was here and he had no reason to leave. The mom wanted to start over and go back east to where her family was. She planned to help out on her parent’s farm until she decided what was next. The parents had given Theresia and Rob a choice of where they wanted to live. Rob wanted to go with his mom, and it seemed Theresia wanted the same. I didn’t know how to feel about it. I was still a kid for the most part, a teenager sure but for all intent, a kid when it came to expressing myself or acknowledging my feelings. So, like most people at that age, I defaulted to the one fall back that was easy. Anger…

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

I could put everything I did in this journal, but that would take pages. Besides with perfect recall I can just think about it. Ill just get to the end of it, where for the first time in ever I saw Theresia shed a tear. I had said some horrible things to make me feel better for her leaving. There was no logic in my head, just pure anger and a need to lash out. So, when she came over and cornered me after a few weeks of avoiding her I just lost it. So, there she was standing there after my outburst and for the first time I saw her shake in fear or pain. Tears were streaming down her face, still expressionless as always, but I could hear the small sobs she was trying to hide. That’s when I finally realized what I had done. Horror and dread suffused me as I stared at what I had done, and to who I had done it too. I dropped to my knees in front of her, and tears started to pour out of my eyes. “I’m sorry Theresia, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it, I was just mad.” I mumbled through my own sobs.

Theresa just stood there still with little sobs and even with her flat no expression face, I could tell from her eyes that id hurt her. I knew on a subconscious level that she was different, knew that she had all the same feelings and emotions as anyone else. She just didn’t or couldn’t express herself like normal people. I knew this and still I just let lose on her, someone who never acted out, never caused anyone any trouble. Someone who I thought I cared for and who somehow cared for me. I reached out and grabbed her hand, I expected her to flinch away and yell at me, but that wasn’t her, I’m not sure she could even if she wanted. This made me feel even worse, and I knew then that someone had to protect her, keep her safe. “I’m so sorry,” I said again. “I wasn’t thinking, I was just so mad and I took it out on you” I shook my head “I shouldn’t have done that, I should have talked to you, let you know how I feel.” I looked into her hurting eyes, “you didn’t do anything wrong. It was all my fault.”

She just stood there, looking at me, and I could see her trying to process what just happened. Trying to figure out what the matter was and why I would treat her like that. So we just stayed like that, me waiting for her to finish, her trying to process, and me waiting unable to say anything. Finally, after several minutes, she stopped crying and her sobs receded. Then she stayed quite for a few more minutes and then in her whisper voice, now strained in hurt and confusion, “Why?” That voice almost broke me again. I started shaking and unable to stay still I stood up and started pacing. “Because! you’re leaving me.” I said in a harsh whisper. “You’re leaving and I’ll never see you again!” I couldn’t stop pacing and now tears were streaming down my face. “She just stood there watching me, she shook her head just a bit and spoke again. “Why?” I stopped pacing and looked at her unable to understand what she was asking. “What do you mean why? You are leaving with your mom. You’re going away across the country. Ill never see you again.” I cried at her. Wiping away the tears now blurring my vison. Theresia took a small step towards me, she once gain said, “why?”

I could only stare at her confused at what she was asking. Unable to figure out why she keeps asking why. All I can do was just stare at her, now my turn to try and process what she was saying. Then slowly what she wanted to know started to sink in. It was at the moment my teenage brain tried with more effort than it ever had. Tons of words and emotions were processed faster and with more eloquence than I had ever before. Unfortunately, all that info went through my mind, my teenage hormone influenced mind. So instead of all the things I wanted to say got boiled down to a simple string of words. A string of words that I knew could not convey what I wanted. Hell, I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to say, not really. Still out it came, and surprisingly it was the answer she wanted. “Because your mine, I love you!” Then I just stood there, surprised and embarrassed at my outburst.