As I looked down and gazed upon the words of affirmation gleaming across my phone screen, I barely made an expression of satisfaction before once again returning my attention to the team death match I was participating in. I believe that I may not have even let out a sound aside from a simple “huh” let out just below my breath. It was all but set in stone now, with the email I had just received Aperture State University come next fall.

            The match I was in had just begun to wrap up as I heard a quick succession of thuds coming from the stairs outside my room. Perhaps maybe a single second later my mom came bursting through the door. Her face was glimmering as though a mirage behind the wall of snot and tears that covered it at the moment.

“Have you seen it?!”

“No.”

“Check your email right now!”

I once again tracked over to the rarely used mail app on my phone only to open it and once again see the notification sent from the university. It had the blue dot that indicated the fact that it was as yet unread removed. As I clicked on the email a burst of digital confetti came flying at me for the second time today.

“Oh my god.”

I tried faking some excitement in my voice as I said it, however the words unintentionally came off as dry and sarcastic. Not that my mom would have been able to sus out my enthusiasm either way since she was to busy sobbing while letting out unintelligible words between every breath. It was getting kind of awkward just sitting around looking at her cry until she suddenly threw her arms around me and I made out what she was saying, “God is good ain’t he?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Let’s go tell your dad and Sarah about this.”

I was half dragged by her down the long narrow corridor leading out of my room and down the rickety old steps that followed. The first thing I noticed was my dog. Cutely sleeping on his back with his paws curled next to his chest and his fangs exposed as if in a deeply satisfied smile. Next, I saw my dad and sister Sarah sitting on the couch next to him watching yet another trash daytime show on the television.

“Oh my God, Terry!”

            My mom must have yelled loud enough for people to here all the way in Atlanta.

“Your son got into Aperture!”

            His reaction was somewhere between joy and disbelief. My father was a typically stoic man but now for what feels like the first time in forever there was actually a smile blooming on his face. I looked over to see my sister, Sarah’s, face contorted into an expression that could only be described as the picture of shock itself.

            At this point I was the only one, even including the dog, that wasn’t actively joyous or in shock. I just couldn’t understand why it was that the matter of me even getting into this university was at all up for debate. I mean this school was the definition of mid-tier, it was barely at a level to compete with my mom’s alma mater. Also, it wasn’t like I was stupid, to this point I had already taken numerous advanced and college level classes. If I had just done a little better in them, I could have been going to Harvard.

“How does it feel son?”

            He was smiling ear to ear as he asked at this point. In my head the only viable answer was just alright, but I couldn’t just say that you know they had been worried about this for months at this point. After all, it was the only college I applied to. In my head I suppose I just thought if I couldn’t even get into a college of this level what was the point of attending college at all?

“It still doesn’t feel real!”

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I had to paste on a smile right after saying that. If they caught a hint of the disdain, I felt deep down in my expression they would without doubt begin to question my resolve in attending the school. After all these people had known me all my life, if anyone could see through me it would be them. That said though it wasn’t as though I didn’t want to go to this school, I just knew, if a few things had changed I could be destined for far greater heights than I am now. All of this should’ve been beneath me but instead here I am using everything I have to struggle to reach a position that’s just on par with the malignant mediocrity that’s so prevalent within the family I come from. But I’m not stupid, even then I know I have no one else to blame for my pitiful fate other than myself.

Of course, I’m aware that if somebody could see my thoughts right now, they’d probably say I’m a stuck up entitled bastard. After all, self-awareness is my main redeeming trait. And you know what those titles may hold some water, but saying they apply to me illustrates a critical misunderstanding of why I feel…

“Still not better than Conyers A&M though.”

            What was this idiot saying now?

“Don’t you know HBCUs are going to be a hundred times more welcoming to you than any PWI?”

“Just because the environment is more familiar doesn’t mean it’s going to be more suited to me.”

“Look Jackson as a black man whose lived all his life in a black town I’m worried for you as your older sister that making such a drastic change is going to be hard for you.”

“And as my older sister are you going to be the one attending college for me? If not the I suggest you not worry about it.”

I know where she’s coming from, but she has no idea why I decided to go to Aperture. She at least had the luxury of taking her pick where she went to school, even so I might’ve been a bit to curt in my address of her.

“Jackson Bernard James.”

Here it comes.

“Look son, I know you must be really excited about getting into the school but there’s no need to be mean to your sister when she just tries to give you simple advice.”

I had nothing to say to that, in the first place the very premise of the statement was incorrect.

“Son please, you know how your dad feels when you don’t respond to him.”

“It’s fine Janice, so you just aren’t going to say anything huh?”

“…”

It’s not that I didn’t want to say anything, I was just at a genuine loss for how this conversation was going. What was I supposed to say?

“Son just say something.”

“…”

“Remember what happened when we had this conversation before?”

            Was he really bringing this up again?

“I told you then that when we have the conversations you need to try to be more productive in working with me.”

“And I told you back then there’s no way for me to be productive when you don’t even know anything about what you’re lecturing about.”

            Crap I slipped again.

“Jackson!”

“Janice, look son I don’t want to escalate this conversation anymore. Apologize to your sister, apologize to me, then go to your room and bring me your computer and your TV. Then we can talk about a way for you to get them back.”

            Was he serious? It was the middle of summer, they were going on a family vacation tomorrow without me, and without my TV and video games what was I supposed to do for five days? In the first place taking my stuff over this was completely uncalled for. I understood why they were doing this but still.

“Is this because of what happened in September? I know what I did was wrong, and I apologized then but  going this far is…”

            I looked up and immediately realized the mistake I made. Everyone was looking at me with a face illustrating pure horror. It was as though I were mocking the death of their son and brother right in front of them

            Nobody said anything. The silence marinated for what felt like hours or maybe even days. It was as though I were a murderer, facing righteous persecution in the face of his victim’s family. I didn’t want to look back up because I knew if I did, a grueling conversation would ensue. One that may reverse the hard work that my family went through to forgive me. To provide me a forgiveness I was never entitled to in the first place, but even so, time wouldn’t stop forever.

“Son.”

“…”

“I know how you must feel I really do, but I punished you then what I’m doing now has nothing to do with what happened. You’re going to college son, you are eighteen years of age I need you to act like it.”

             My father was always the man’s man type of guy. He’d say succinctly exactly what he wanted to say. Even if that meant you wouldn’t understand exactly what he wanted to say. I admired that about him though. If the world crumbled away my dad would stay standing as a beckon I could look up to.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

At that moment I felt a strong yet brief force meet my face before passing it harmlessly by. I looked back to see the last person I’d expect to do what she did having done the last thing I’d expect her to. I saw my mom, about a head shorter than me, glaring at me with her hand outstretched to the side.