As I finished helping a Reptilian find the right toys for her bird, my attention was caught by an Avian. A Minakan, to be specific. His bird was in a cage on a cart, rolling toward me. Unfortunately, it was a bird he had bought about three weeks ago, and I still remembered the customer’s name.

“Oh no, K’lanit,” I said sadly. “What happened?”

“It’s all my fault,” he told me, drooping. “Kiko is wonderful. Delightful.” His stance didn’t match his words though, and he let out a breath as he stopped the cart in front of me. “I half hoped you wouldn’t be working today. You spent so much time helping me decide on Kiko and everything he’d need to be happy with me, and it was a waste. I’m so embarrassed.”

Kiko looked perfectly healthy and happy. If anything, looking carefully, I’d say K’lanit had a small feather-pulling issue going on. Looks like they express stress the same way.

“It wasn’t a waste if you learned something,” I pointed out. “Come on, we’ll head back into a room and you can explain.” He bobbed his head forward in a nod and I waved to a coworker, motioning to K’lanit. She gave me a thumbs up of understanding.

Walking into one of the bird rooms, I held the doors open for K’lanit and rolled the cart in, then lifted the cage off, putting it on the large table. I shut the door as he unlatched the cage and stuck his hand in, letting the parrot step onto his hand. “The first week was great,” he told me. “He loves his toys, I let him out all the time, he flies around the second floor. He even tries to groom me, even though my feathers are as big as he is. I had to bird-proof a few things I missed, he’s so clever, but no big damage done. And we had a few poop accidents, but they’re so tiny. I’ve made more of a mess eating my dinner.”

I grinned. “That’s good. But you didn’t mention the markets.”

“Right. The markets. Well, the customers loved him. He catches attention and brings people into the ship, just as I hoped.” He looked to Kiko. “Who’s a pretty bird?”

“Pretty bird! Pretty bird!” The words translated perfectly in my ear, just like K’lanit’s did, and the bird perked up as he started to vocalize. “Hello, how can I help you? Have a nice day!” He put the bird on his shoulder.

“The only problem is… Well, as you can see, stuff that I say to customers all the time, he copies.”

“Yup, for sure,” I said, nodding.

“Pretty bird! How can I help you?”

“He’s in that big aviary we bought for him when I park on a planet for a market, a few yards inside the door,” K’lanit told me. “I can’t risk him on my shoulder when I’m walking around in the open of course-”

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“Fuck you! Have a nice day!”

My eyes darted to the bird, and I very narrowly managed to keep from bursting out laughing. “Oh dear.”

The Minakan’s head receded into his neck a little. “Yeah. Alright, no avoiding the issue. Some teenagers were having fun, and he learned new words. And some people even think it’s hilarious! But…”

“But,” I echoed, with a nod. “I’m guessing some don’t.”

Kiko squawked. “I’m a pretty bird! Shit!”

I snorted, covering my mouth as I finally let myself chuckle. Kiko leapt and flew up to one of the many branches around the room, deciding that we were boring compared to the many new, fun toys available around us.

“There are some who stare, some who glare as they pass by. But I’ve had customers leave,” he explained. “Especially the ones with kids. It’s not just that I’m losing money; I’m suddenly that guy with the Earth bird that curses! That’s what I’m known for! I’d rather go back to-”

“Treat! Want a treat! Pretty bird!”

“-being known for ordinary kitchen products sourced directly from Grinkin suppliers,” he finished. Some of the feathers on his crest rose. “Did I ruin him? He’ll never forget these words. Will someone else want him?”

“Absolutely,” I said, chuckling. “And we learned something today, just like I said. Another note that will go into the guide for people buying vocal birds that will be a warning that they can easily learn curse words, and there’s no going back. I don’t want you to worry; there are plenty of people who’ll be totally fine with a bird who curses, or even think it’s a bonus feature.”

“Oh, good,” K’lanit said, his feathers lowering. It was so sweet that he had been that concerned.

“I want to say thank you for bringing him back to us. You’ll get a full refund, as promised, and we’ll buy back everything you purchased for him at half price for the next person who buys him,” I said. “And you can give me a nice long summary of Kiko for our website, which will make it easier to find him a good match.”

“Fuck you!”

I grinned, sparing a glance in Kiko’s direction. “Once we get that done, we’ll head out onto the floor and find another awesome bird for you that does not vocalize.”

***

The Avian that stood in front of me, another male Minakan by the name of Trikan, looked thrilled to meet Kiko. “Fuck you!” Trikan exclaimed.

“Fuck you! I’m a pretty bird!”

Trikan ruffled his feathers in delight and cackled. “Oh, he’s perfect! Markini will love him.”

“We do usually discourage pets as gifts, like I said, but you said this was a crew mate?” I asked.

“Yes, there are seven of us, and Markini’s been with us three years,” he explained. “This is a gift for everyone, though. And I’m captain, so it is my decision at the end. But even though he was Markini’s bird, we all miss Charko. It’s been so strange not having him there to perch on my shoulder or oversee our work as we bring new cargo aboard, like the world’s smallest judgy manager. Or poop on someone’s head when he’s mad at them.”

I laughed. “Sounds like a character.”

“Oh, he was,” the customer told me. “It’s been months though, and it’s time to move on. Kiko is gorgeous, and everything I read on his page makes it seem like he’s perfect for us.” Kiko was perched on a branch sticking out from the wall, nudging a bell repeatedly to get it to make noise. The pirate turned back to the parrot and chuckled. “Welcome to the crew, Kiko.”