Nick Smith

Adventurer Level: 7

Human – American

Tits watched me with a pout as I took another step back and wiped what I hoped was her sweat off my face. Mumuldobran waited for Tits’ explanation for a moment before clearing their throat. The aggressively flirtatious arch-fae sighed and turned to Mumuldobran.

"I got bored, so I decided to spy on the enemy," Tits said. "I noticed a bunch of crows on their side of the battlefield, so I disguised myself as one and just flew around a bit. The real crows weren't very nice at all. Called me all sorts of names, like false-wing, decoy, and bitch. But they didn't tell the vampires about me either, so I guess they weren't all that bad."

"Skip to the part about them turning our kin into vampires, please," Mumuldobran snarled.

"Patience. I risked my life, you know. Probably. I should be able to tell the story however I want to."

"The longer you wait, the more of them are turned, right?"

"I don't think so. There's nothing we can do about it at the moment, anyway. Even if I waited another hour to tell you, I don't think it would make any sort of diff-"

"Tits," Mumuldobran interrupted with a growl. "Tell me what you know. Now."

"FINE! They're doing a ritual that's taking the captured wylder and forcing them into mortal shells, which turns them into mindless vampires. They just stand there creepily until they're given a task."

"But... How?" Mumuldobran's expression went from anger to bewilderment in record time. "Y-you can't MAKE a vampire! It’s a divine punishment! And how are they able to force the pact!?"

"I dunno, but there was definitely some daemonic elements to the ritual," Tits crossed her arms, grinning as I looked away from their bulging chest. "Very bad vibes."

"Daemonic? Well... That complicates things. I guess that means we have no choice but to go with your suggestion, Nick."

The King of Arch-Fae turned to me expectantly, but I was distracted by a sudden awareness of a sickeningly sweet smell. The more I smelled it, the faster my heart seemed to pump. It wasn't long before I realized that my blood was pumping to a very specific location. I glared at Tits, whose grin had grown malicious.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," I growled. "You absolute cu-"

"I agree that Nick's strategy would definitely be effective at keeping more wylder from being snatched away," Yulk interrupted. "I don't see how it will help with getting the captured fae away from the vampires, though."

Tits began to laugh maniacally as my eyes shot metaphorical daggers at her. It. Them. Whatever. Anger rose within me like a volcano ready to erupt. Trembling, I tried to calm down by turning my thoughts back to when I last felt like this.

It was a few weeks after Cass and I had started officially dating. I'd gone over to her house on the weekend to study for a test on Monday. She was still wearing her pajamas when she answered the door, with a few buttons undone. Just low enough to let me see down her shirt without actually seeing anything...

"We'll... Uh..." Nash said, looking back and forth between Tits and I. "We'll want to work our way through the vampire's lines to try to rescue their current captives. The shields will help us keep a good formation to do so. Looks like they're focused in the north-east, so maybe going for their flanks would be a good idea."

Nash, Yulk, and Mumuldobran huddled together and muttered to each other over the stump while glancing worriedly at Tits and I. Keeping Cass in my thoughts, I locked eyes with Tits.

"What is this?" I demanded, shifting uncomfortably.

Tits stopped laughing and grinned like a shark, "I believe you call it 'perfume'. Algebrun suggested it."

"I did no such thing," a voice to my left said.

Algebrun entered the clearing at a steady pace and approached us. Tits turned to them and pointed accusingly.

"Yes you did!" they said. "You said that humans spray themselves with fragrances that they find pleasant in an attempt to mimic mating pheromones!"

"Pheromones!?" I shouted, feeling unusually aggressive.

Tits bit their lip and raised a brow at me flirtatiously, and I had to take a deep breath to stop myself from drawing my blade. Then, Algebrun waved their hand and a calm spread over me, easing the tension that had been working its way through my body. The sweet smell dissipated as Tits glared angrily at my savior.

"Be at ease, Nick," Algebrun said. "Tits' pranks come from a place of affection, after all."

"I'll try to look at it like that," I grumbled. "So why did you tell them about pheromones in the first place?"

"Tits has done little more than speak of you since last we met. There were a lot of questions about you, and some about humanity in general. I thought I was being careful with my answers, but I'm afraid that wasn't the case."

"It worked, though," Tits said smugly. "Didn't it? You got aroused. By me."

A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

"You're wrong," I shook my head angrily. "If I was aroused, and I'm not saying I was, it was because of the pheromones. And I was thinking about Cass the whole time."

"You ungrateful little-" Tits' snarl cut off as they regained control of themselves. "FINE. You're in LOVE, whatever the hells that is. But she's not here, Nick. You don't have her to comfort you when you're hurt, and I can be that for you. So, why not? Am I not attra-"

"Don't bother," Algebrun interrupted. "You won't like the answers to those questions, and we have far more pressing concerns. Do we not?"

Tits regained a neutral expression and coldly glanced between myself and Algebrun.

"Fine," they said.

Without so much as a backwards glance, Tits strolled over to the rest of the group. I took another deep breath, struggling to cope with the swell of emotions that had just overtaken me. Anger at the deceit and refusal to respect my wishes. Melancholy for the memories of Cass that were unexpectedly brought up. Shame at how my body reacted to something as simple as a smell.

Algebrun gestured for me to follow them. Once we were far enough away that we could no longer hear the rest of the group, they turned to me.

"Tits didn't do this out of malice," Algebrun unnecessarily explained. "It's just how we are."

"I know," I replied. "I remember. And don't be so quick to lump yourself in with her. You don't do things like that."

"Not to you, no, but that's because I know almost everything about you. Pranks are how we learn about things that think."

"Why not just talk, though?"

"Talking only works with other wyld ones. Everything else can lie without consequence, so long as their deceit remains undiscovered," Algebrun sighed softly. "We can't. But pranks and the like elicit an honest response, more often than not. If we suspect the response is dishonest, we keep pranking until we get an honest one."

I nodded, suddenly understanding a lot of the memories that Algebrun had inadvertently shared with me. Yulk was right, the fae are weird. They understand us about as much as we understand them. Less, in some cases.

"I kind of feel bad, though," I said. "Getting rejected by someone you love never feels good."

Algebrun snorted, "I wouldn't feel bad if I were you. Tits doesn't love you. We're not capable of that. Not really. She feels... Infatuation. Desire. She wants you, yes, but not to love. To keep, like a trinket. Maybe even just to use and discard, though I have my doubts about that."

"You're not capable of feeling love?"

"No. I felt it when I was reliving your life, but it's an alien feeling to me. I've never felt that before, and I never will again. I can't even provide a reasonable explanation for the feeling, or why you're able to feel it and I can't."

"I can empathize. Some of your memories were of things that I can't do, and I can't really explain how they felt either," I said, staring at the ground for a moment. "Is... Is there a way to get Tits to stop?"

"Probably not," Algebrun laughed. "This is a game to them, and games are our biggest weakness. But they'll learn where the line is. Eventually."

"I hope so," I sighed. "Alright, let's rejoin the strategy council or whatever."

Algebrun nodded, and we walked over to the rest of the group. Mumuldobran raised an eyebrow at me, and I shrugged in response. For a moment, the King of Arch-Fae looked like it wanted to ask me something. But then it decided against it and cleared its throat.

"Greetings Algebrun," Mumuldobran said. "We've come up with what I believe is a sound strategy to counter the enemy."

"That is good news," Algebrun bowed their head.

"We're going to split our forces into three groups and flank the enemy," Nash explained. "The goal is to break them and push toward their center, where they're keeping the prisoners."

"The mindless ones won't break, though," Tits sighed. "They're being controlled."

"Yes, and brood are fiercely competitive," Algebrun added. "They're unlikely to flee unless they see someone else do it first."

"So then we keep killing them until we open a hole to grab the prisoners," Mumuldobran shrugged.

The others argued back and forth a bit more, but a thought occurred to me and wouldn't go away. The fae get reborn if they're killed. The only reason the arch-fae don't want to kill them is because they'll be punished. So what if...

I put my tongue between my molars and bit a little to clear my head. There aren't any spells that I know that would guarantee a quick and painless death. If I could make a nuke spell, that would probably do it. But that would be a very, very bad thing to teach the fae. Plus, I'm not confident that I wouldn't end up caught in it.

"Assassination? But how?" Mumuldobran asked, pulling my head out of the clouds.

"I saw the taskmaster of the mindless ones," Tits explained. "If he dies, they'll probably stop doing whatever they're doing."

"Why didn't you kill him in the first place?"

"Because he's near the prisoners. They'd get caught up in my attack, and I assume that you don't want me becoming a vampire," Tits laughed. "But... I can guide someone who's a little more subtle to his location..."

Mumuldobran and Tits glanced at me. I resisted the urge to audibly sigh.

"Ooooooh. I get it now," Mumuldobran said. "Well, it looks like this is what the higher ones wanted when they brought them here."

"Shit," Nash muttered. "This is going to be a hard fight."

"Indeed," Yulk said.

"Actually, I think you two should hang back," Algebrun said.

The three of us stared at the arch-fae, dumbfounded.

"Huh?" I managed to say.

"Orcs are vulnerable to being turned," Algebrun explained. "Or at the very least, becoming food. Tits and I can take Nick to the enemy's rear, where they're weakest, and guide him around what guards they have. The main attack will serve as a distraction, and Nick will serve as our assassin."

"And what happens after?" Yulk asked. "He'll be surrounded by vampires."

"Well, we know he's fairly capable of withstanding the fair-realm," Mumuldobran added. "Didn't even throw up. We can use that to get him out. We can also use it to get him into a good location."

"Why not right where the vampire is?" I asked.

"There's a fairly noticeable maelstrom of energy when the fair-realm is breached. If we pop you into their encampment, they'll all notice. That's not a problem for popping you out, though."

My stomach twisted. I couldn't really tell if this was because of the thought of using the fair-realm or nervousness due to the task at hand.

"I... I'll need some time to recover after," I said.

Nash's hand appeared on my shoulder.

"You shouldn't do this," he said. "Not without us."

"I know. But the only thing I can think of that would be worse than telling your... Our mom that you died is telling her that you've become a vampire," I said. "If I die, you'll miss me. But if you die, a whole family is torn apart."

"I see the logic," Yulk nodded. "However, I strongly oppose it. We have sworn to protect you as one of our own, Nick. Also, your death will tear our family apart because you are a part of our family."

Part of me really didn't want to do this. I'd be lying if I said it was a small part. My last one on one fight with a vampire didn't go well, and having Nash and Yulk with me would be very comforting.

But Algebrun was right. The more of us there are, the harder it is to be sneaky, and they're vulnerable to being fed on. I'm not. Still vulnerable to being killed, though, but if push comes to shove I can hopefully rely on Ten. They can't.

"You're right, Yulk. You are both my brothers, and so you know exactly how I feel right now. It will be risky for me to go by myself, but I have Ten, which gives me a much better chance of survival," I pointed out. "You are both more skilled than I am, but you don't heal as fast and if you're knocked out, you're done. I am much more likely to lose you than you are to lose me."

"That's a load of shit," Nash scoffed. "Ten can't help you if they lob off your head."

"That's true, but-"

"Bored now," Tits interrupted, grabbing my shoulder. "Let's go."

Before I could say anything else, the world went dark again.