Preface

This chapter has been brought to you by Aria, Dragon Lord of Tea, Chuuni Sisters, Rolling Sheep, and Terrible Nicknames.

Also, he has a Pokemon fic. It's pretty great.

Spit of Spite 2.6

John Soprano

"You can't be serious," Francis complained, pulling his shirt out so he could get a better look at the design.

I smiled at him like butter wouldn't melt in my mouth. "What's wrong with it? It's just a t-shirt with the restaurant logo."

"It's neon-pink. Yours isn't neon-pink."

I looked down at my own shirt. It was a black chef's jacket with two, parallel columns of buttons. The buttons were knotted rather than sewn on for durability. Burnt-red thread accented the collars and sleeves. The store's logo, a bedazzled goblet with a grill grate over the top, was embroidered onto my breast pocket.

I hummed and poured out mugs of coffee for my new minions. I then undid some of the buttons and knotted them the other way, so that the right side of my jacket was on top of the left. "That's because I'm the chef. Black hides stains more easily and the double rows of knotted buttons lets me switch which side of my jacket is visible in case of bigger spills throughout the day. It means I can quickly transition between the grill and smoker and come out to greet customers without being covered in soot."

"Wait, really?" Luke asked. He held a green shirt for himself. "I didn't know that was why chef's uniforms had those. Why do chefs have those tall, wrinkly hats then?"

"Because in the olden days, the taller and more pleated the hat, the more recipes a chef was supposed to know. It was supposed to be proof of mastery, like a karate black belt. Hats used to have a hundred pleats for the hundred ways a chef was supposed to be able to cook an egg."

"Huh. Well, I learned something new today."

"And can you?" Jesse asked as she rolled to an open spot near the table.

"Can I what? Cook an egg a hundred ways?" I laughed. "Do you see a silly hat on my head? No one needs a hundred recipes for an egg, just a few really good ones."

"My shirt has a hello kitty on it," Francis continued to grouse. He flipped the shirt around with a glare. On the back was said hello kitty holding a sign, with an arrow aimed at his ass. The sign read, "Pussy Property - If lost, return to Noelle Meinhardt." "I'm not wearing this."

"I don't know, I kinda like it," said girlfriend, lounging atop the table, said with a barely suppressed giggle. "It's cute. And it lets everyone know my boyfriend's taken."

"Don't worry, you don't have any competition on that front, sister," Jess snarked. "Although… Hey, if we're all working for you, what am I supposed to do?"

"Be a waitress. I guess I can get you girls a skimpy maid outfit if you think it'll get you in the mindset."

"Great, they can check out my scrawny, atrophied legs."

I laughed. I liked Jess, the bitter sarcasm was refreshing. Still, it'd be nicer without the actual hints of depression and self-loathing. "Okay, to be fair, I should've done this yesterday. I just kinda forgot before I shooed you minions away."

"Do what? And we're not your minions, you asshole."

"Of course you are. I'm your employer. Ergo, you are my minions. Or do you prefer the more technical term of 'oompa loompas?'"

"Slavery. It's called slavery if you don't pay us. Or give us a choice."

"You'll be paid." I conjured up a polished diamond the size of a baseball. "It's not like I can run out of money. As for your choice, well, you can work with me or be pressganged into the PRT. Hate to break it to you, but these really are your two options at this point."

"Yeah, because you outed us," Francis accused.

"You knew coming in that I don't give a damn about the unwritten rules. More to the point, you attacked my restaurant, during regular business hours, while a cape was clearly living his civilian life. Which also says you don't give a damn about the unwritten rules. You don't have a leg to stand on, boyo."

Jess let out a resigned sigh. "Ugh, we know. It was a shit plan. Trust me, we went over that last night. That's why we're here."

"Excellent. You'll see, I'm a great boss."

"Whatever. You know you're employing illegal immigrants right? What kind of heroic example are you setting?"

"Employing illegal immigrants is basically restaurant tradition, especially in the southern United States. Texas to California, plenty of restaurant hands are illegal. Almost as bad as agriculture actually. Well, not really bad I guess, more of a pain in the ass for ICE, and fuck ICE."

"Glad you're following the traditions of your people," she snarked. She began to roll away towards the back. "Now let me go to sleep and I'll dream up something with functioning legs."

It took me a second to realize she didn't know about Avalon. I reached out and grabbed her wheelchair by the handles at the back before yanking her to me. "Ooh, yeah, I really should have done this yesterday."

"Do what?" Her eyes widened comically as a sword appeared in my hand. "What are you going to do with tha-"

"Relax, I'm just going to poke you a little bit."

"Dude!"

I unsheathed Excalibur before tossing it behind me, mostly so I could hear Shirou squawk like an outraged parrot. I then held out Avalon. "What? Why would I stab my own staff? That would mean I have one less minion!"

"You're such an ass. What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Stick it inside you. Like this."

"Wha-Hey!" she yelped as Avalon sank into her chest as if it was an illusion, leaving little motes of golden light. "What's this supposed to do?"

"Make you immortal. Congratulations, you're the third person I've granted immortality to. More importantly, it comes with extreme regeneration. So long as your head's fine, you'll regrow literally everything."

"That's bullshi-Wait… Everything?"

"Yup. Give yourself a minute. You should have functional legs in a bit."

"I-I… You…"

I wasn't much for sappy shows of gratitude and affection so I tousled her hair affectionately. "You're my minion now and that means you're my responsibility. Oompa loompas are funny, but crippled oompa loompas are just sad. Now, before I assign you shit to do, any of you actually interested in learning how a smoker works?"

Luke raised his hand. "Yeah, actually. My grandpa lives in Texas, Aleph-Texas anyway, and he used to take us to a place when we would visit."

"Cool. You'll help me in the back then. Noelle, you're our hostess because you're an adorable plushie. Francis is your bitch so he can ferry you around. I don't think you can walk too fast on your stubby, little legs."

"Oi!"

"Alright, that works for me," Noelle chimed in happily. I was sure she'd be annoyed with her new body eventually, body image was a huge deal for her before all this, but for the moment, she was simply too thrilled at not being Echidna anymore to care.

"Jess, Mars, and Oliver, you three can decide who wants to be a dishwasher. The other two will be waiters. Fair warning though, girls get more tips, not that your hourly wage is an issue in this case."

"I don't mind being the dishwasher," Oliver said. Even as I watched, his face shifted slightly to flatten his jawline. It was fascinating how his power kept doing that subconsciously. He had a completely harmless power, but one that interfered with his ability to live a normal life.

"Umm…"

"Yes, Mars?"

She held out a shopping bag. I glanced down to find Karna's armor set, his golden earring sitting pretty on top. "I-I'd like to return this."

"Why?" I asked. I had a hunch, but that just made her more worthy in my eyes. "That armor makes you effectively invincible. I mean, you could stroll up to Behemoth and have a picnic in his kill aura and you would be fine. Most people would kill for protection like that, you know."

"I-I know… I'm not ungrateful, but… but I don't want anything to do with the cape life anymore. Noelle is… not fixed, but better. We don't have to move around anymore. We don't have to hurt people anymore. And, working for you, even the PRT will be forced to leave us alone… I want that," she whispered. It was the voice of a girl who desperately wanted the fighting to stop. "This is everything I've ever wanted, a chance to be normal again. I'm sorry, Mr. Soprano, but I can't wear this. Please give it to someone else."

I looked at her with a fond smile. Hearing that made me so happy, happy to know that I hadn't been wrong about her. "You're perfect."

"Hah, not even a day and he's hitting on you, Mars," Jess laughed.

"Not what I meant. Stupid teenagers, everything is about sex with you kids."

"We're eighteen, or at least, most of us. You're like a year older than us."

"I'm twenty-four actually, so make that six. I just have a babyface when I shave."

"That's not old enough for you to lecture us, dick."

"It's about the season of life we're in. No, never mind. Mars, I didn't tell you where that armor came from, right?"

Mars looked at the admittedly beautiful set of armor. "Umm… No, no you didn't."

"Karna. The armor and earring came from Karna, the demigod son of Surya, Hindu god of the sun and one of the most powerful gods in their pantheon. The armor made him invincible in battle, but for all his power, he is most often called the Hero of Charity."

"Why? Why charity?" she asked, intrigued despite herself.

"Because he gave up his armor to fulfill a promise, knowing that he would die in the very next battle. Victory, glory, even his own life, all of these things meant nothing to him compared to his own sense of honor."

"So…"

I waved my hand over the shopping bag. The armor vanished as if it'd never existed, gone now that I'd revoked my hold over it. "So I will take it back. The circumstances aren't quite the same, but I would be spitting on his legacy if I denied your willingness to relinquish power. Say, would you rather have an all-killing spear instead?"

"A-An all-killing… spear?"

"Vajra. Indra, the king of the gods, was so impressed with Karna's sacrifice that he gave the hero his own personal lance in exchange. It only seems fitting that I offer it to you also."

"I'll take it if she won't," Luke joked.

"Nah, I like to give people things that suit their personalities. Or makes me laugh, preferably both. Remind me to get you something too. Anyway, Mars?"

"No," she said, shaking her head. Her blonde tresses trembled in dread. "I don't want that kind of life. My power's deadly enough. I don't need yet another weapon of mass destruction."

"I thought you'd say that. I had to offer anyway. That's fine. But seeing how you've rejected Vajra as well, know that should you ever want to don the armor of the sun, you need only ask."

"I won't."

"It's up to you in the end," I said, giving her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Now that that's settled, let's get to work!"

X

Luke took to the grill like a duck to water. Over the next few days, the ex-villain proved to be an eager student, quickly learning to load and unload the grill with the different meats we offered. His knife skills needed work, but then again, he was only a teenager. He got good enough at filling orders that I didn't feel the need to rush over with Reinforcement to keep up with demand.

At first, he'd shown an interest in the smoker, but he found out that working one of those meant waking up at all hours of the night to adjust the temperature and humidity. As a normal, sane person without a barbeque obsession, he naturally objected to that arrangement.

The other big hit was, unsurprisingly, Noelle. She didn't feel comfortable telling the customers her story, but the fact that she was a talking hello kitty plushie drew in customers on its own. PHO had yet to decide whether she was a tinkertech creation of mine with highly sophisticated programming or some kind of Case-53 with a weird, fetishistic relationship with Francis.

I laughed when I heard that. The uniform I forced on him probably didn't help on that front.. I could of course correct their misunderstanding, but a) that would involve telling people about Noelle's background, which she was understandably hesitant to divulge, and b) I found Francis' desperation to not be labeled a pervert hilarious.

Besides, I still wasn't sure how I planned to get Amy to make a new body for Noelle. It wasn't hurting anyone, quite the opposite, but it still thoroughly broke her self-imposed "nothing but healing" and "no brains" rules. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I wasn't the one best equipped to handle her.

'That girl needs psychiatric help,' Shirou said.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

I pulled out a large batch of mac and cheese. I loaded on a healthy dose of pulled pork and caramelized onions before folding them into the pasta. This batch, a deep-dish tray as wide as my torso, would be our collective staff meal. With a side of pickled onions and vinegar slaw, I knew it wouldn't disappoint.

'You know, there is something deeply dissatisfying about a delusional idiot recommending a shrink for another delusional idiot,' I said. After the bank heist, I'd told him a bit more about the world, as well as Amy Dallon and her many, many issues. He was understandably concerned.

'Well, we need to do something.'

'Might I remind you, neither of us are qualified therapists? I am a barbeque pitmaster with way too much power and you are a Superman wannabe harem protagonist with a messiah complex.'

'I do not have a messiah complex.'

'You don't deny the rest?'

'I'm not a harem protagonist either.'

'Rin. Sakura. Artoria. Taiga. Ayaka. Ilya. Luvia. Yes you are. More to the point, what would you have me do?' I asked, leaking a bit of genuine frustration into our bond. 'It's not like I enjoy having a neurotic WMD of a time bomb lurking in my city…' I paused. 'Wait… Is this how everyone else sees me…?'

'Ah, self-reflection at last,' Shirou said dryly. 'And you wonder why the heroes don't like you.'

'Shut it, you. The difference between me and Amy is that I'm a mature, emotionally stable man who lives a perfectly fulfilling life as a chef. Amy is exactly none of that.'

'But they don't know that. Right now, you're the only one who knows about Amy. We should do something to help her.'

I portioned out the loaded mac into different bowls and set them aside before dicing up a few chickens Luke got for me off Ea. We sold them in halves and quarters here so a rough chop with a nameless Noble Phantasm that had been altered into the shape of a cleaver was enough.

'Again, what can I do about her? Do you really think I should talk to her myself? Or maybe you'd like me to be your mouthpiece? Think you can proselytize about friendship and justice and turn her into your bestie?'

'Speeches were never my thing. I just… I feel like we should do something. Sorry if I'm nagging.'

'I have some ideas. I'll ask Fortuna the next time I see-'

That was as far as I got. Our mental conversation was cut short by the ringing of sirens. Though I'd never heard it before, the old John Soprano remembered going through school drills for this in elementary school, much like earthquakes and fires.

Leviathan was here.

"Boss!" Oliver shouted from the kitchen. He'd done okay washing dishes but he could be a little faster.

"Endbringer!" Someone out front called.

Then the restaurant descended into bedlam. People immediately stopped eating and got up, jostling their chairs to the floor. If left alone, they'd stampede out the door, no doubt joining the rest of the city in their mad dash for the endbringer shelters, shelters I knew were far from safe.

I yanked down two nearby saucepans and smashed them against each other. The loud noise carried over the panicking customers, enough to get them to turn towards me.

"Right, now if you're done running around like headless chickens, I'd like to inform you that the restaurant is heavily reinforced. At the bare minimum, I believe this place is safer than any mundane endbringer shelter," I spoke calmly. We had time. If I remembered right, Dragon and Armsmaster developed an early warning system of some kind that gave the city half an hour or so before Leviathan's arrival. "You can go back to eating your food. If you don't believe me, you may continue to make for the shelters in an orderly fashion."

"H-How confident are you?" an elderly man asked. He had two little boys with him, probably his grandsons. "I'm not sure these old bones can make it to the shelters."

Despite what he said, he looked meaningfully to the children. Now that he had a second to think, he realized that the traffic would be shit and running with two kids in the middle of a stampeding crowd was just asking to be trampled.

'He doesn't want the boys to think it's their fault he can't make it,' Shirou said, respect overflowing through our connection.

"Very. Vista can cleave the sea but the truth is, Caliburn isn't the best thing in my arsenal," I said confidently. It was a confidence I didn't truly feel.

I was the Third, the Heaven's Feel. I had the memories of countless heroes. And yet, I'd never truly fought for my life before.

Leviathan… I doubted even Leviathan could take on an anti-world Noble Phantasm, but that didn't mean I could fully shake the nervousness. He was a kaiju. There was a certain gravitas to the arrival of an endbringer that stirred even me.

That nervousness warred with anger: Someone was disturbing my cooking. Again. Retribution was due.

"Then we will trust you and stay here," he said finally. His voice trembled slightly but not an ounce of that hesitance showed in his actions. With a nonchalant shrug, he walked back to his seat and took a sip of his sweet tea, allowing his grandsons to draw strength from his example.

Truthfully, I too felt myself calm a little at that.

"I won't let you down," I promised.

"What about us?" Noelle asked. "A-Are you going out there?"

"Of course I am. The shop will be fine, but I can't exactly run a smokehouse in a condemned city now, can I? As for you lot… I won't tell you what to do. You've all got powers. Come along. Or defend the store should the worst happen. Whatever your choice, choose now."

"I'm staying right here," Francis said, pulling Noelle to his chest. "Noelle's my priority."

"Francis…"

"Dude, you're a teleporter," Luke said.

"So what? What's the city done for us?"

"Leave it," I said before the two could begin fighting. I held out a hand. Motes of light gathered in my hand and formed itself into a familiar sword, if it could be called that. It was a gnarled, twisted thing, a greatsword that had been warped into a spiral. I handed it to Luke. "This is Caladbolg. Well, an altered variant anyway."

"Boss, I'm not much good with swords."

"Fire it with your power, but only at Leviathan. Caladbolg will do the rest. If he hits here, the bounded field will be able to stall him for at least a while. Between that and this, I'll be able to return in plenty of time."

He nodded grimly. "If you say so."

Jess made for the stairs. "I'm borrowing your bed, boss. You'll see me on search and rescue."

"Go ahead. And whatever you guys do, don't leave the property lines, alright?" Receiving a set of nods, I turned to head out. Before I could, I felt someone grab my sleeve. "Mars?"

Conflicting emotions flitted across her face. She took a deep breath to collect herself. When she next opened her eyes, they were hard, with a determined fire that impressed Shirou.

I could believe it. In another life, this was the girl who burned Echidna to ashes, the one who could act decisively when it mattered. "T-That armor. Is it still available? My power could… I could do a lot of damage if I didn't have to worry about myself."

"Karna would be proud."

X

"Soprano," Alexandria said tersely. She flew to meet us, off a ways so the rain would mask our conversation. It was impossible to hear for most, but with the right context, I could recognize a bit of barely hidden resentment. She was no doubt still sour about being beaten with a chicken on a stick.

That was fine, the dislike was mutual. I spread out my arms for a hug I knew she'd rather die than accept. "Becky! Did Keith give his feelgood speech yet?"

"He did. I take it you'll do something outrageous again."

"I did say I'd kill the endbringers for you guys," I said with a shrug.

The rain poured down like sheets, reminding me of the sole time my family took a vacation to Vietnam in my past life. Less suffocatingly warm of course, but Brockton Bay was just as humid as we waited for Leviathan's arrival.

And yet, I welcomed it. Now that I was out here, I found the downpour grounding. The water beat down on my shoulders with an almost physical weight, chilling me to the bone yet filling me with purpose. It washed away the spark of nervousness I felt when I first heard the sirens and replaced it with a mounting annoyance at this bootleg Beast.

"That's a lofty promise," Alexandria said. "Don't do anything stupid."

"Aww, are you worried for me, Becky?"

"You're a useful asset. That's all."

"Speaking of assets, mind sending Fortuna to me later? We should talk."

"If you survive."

She flew off with a huff. I figured that was about as good as well wishes from her. After all, I couldn't meet Fortuna again if I died here.

Beside me, Mars fidgeted restlessly. "Alexandria is… intense."

"Is she? She's just throwing a hissy fit."

"Shouldn't we join the others?"

"Shouldn't you want people to keep their distance from your power?"

"I… You're right."

"Let's go grab the bracelets at least. That way, we'll be able to tell people to fuck off when we pull out the big guns."

"Right."

It didn't take us long to find a very brave PRT officer handing out bracelets. He was absolutely drenched like the rest of us but held out a box of Dragon's bracelets with a grim nod. I hoped the guy made good overtime.

The bracelets themselves really were idiot-proof. It only had one button that performed two functions: tap to talk to Dragon and hold to make a universal message.

"Please register your cape name," Dragon said. I was immediately grateful she didn't jump to that Kingmaker bullshit.

"Soprano."

"Sunda-Mars. Just Mars."

"Names acknowledged: Soprano. Mars. Please briefly describe your powers. You will be assigned to the appropriate team."

"That's unnecessary, Theresa," I said. "In fact, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell everyone to leave our general area. Mars makes miniature suns and I will likely do much worse today."

"Noted. And please call me Dragon."

"People are more than their masks, you most of all. But well, this really isn't the time for this conversation. Come on, Mars, let's head up front."

Along the way, Mars pointed out Jess. She was in the back, almost obscured by the rain. The form was familiar to Mars, a type of spider monkey with three pairs of hand had a set of long, bulbous fingers meant for grasping.

Jess reached out with a sinuous tail that stretched like a bungee cord, grasping a nearby streetlamp before launching her over the roof, no doubt off to find a better vantage point she could swing from.

Then, our bracelets chimed again. "First wave, incoming."

Immediately after, a golden light bloomed throughout the shoreline.

It was as if the world took a deep breath, a temporary moratorium on violence. Even the rain seemed to lighten a moment, allowing all to bear witness to the glory of the King of Brockton Bay.

Vista stood at the beach, ankle-deep in the tumultuous waves. Or, she would have been had not a golden shroud of energy pushed the waves away from her, creating a circular island of dry earth that highlighted the unmistakable royalty of Caliburn. Behind her floated Aegis, all but forgotten compared with the splendor of the king, ready to get his youngest charge out of the way should she become Leviathan's target.

For once, there was nothing holding her back. No one would dare quote regulations at her in this moment. Here and now, against an enemy of humanity, wielded by one with knightly virtues, shining like a banner in the hands of a king defending her home, the full might of the Sword of Selection could be brought to bear.

"For the sake of those that were smiling…! Show me the direction of hope, Caliburn!" she roared, a by now all too familiar aria. She had become a meme on PHO, the "dragon-slaying magical girl."

I doubted anyone would ever mock her again.

Except me, of course. Someone needed to keep her ego in check.

Vista's swordsmanship wasn't perfect, far from it. But she'd improved by leaps and bounds under Shirou's instruction and the bitter sting of Tora-Shinai. While she'd never be a peerless prodigy like Artoria, neither Shirou nor I could fault her swing here.

Rather than the typical overhead swing, she took a single step forward and brought her sword in a horizontal sweep that covered as much ground as possible.

And Caliburn answered.

The arc of golden light lanced out like the hand of god. It crashed into the sea with a thunderous roar that drowned out the storm. And, with that single stroke, the tidal wave that was Leviathan's calling card was erased completely.

I smiled and clapped along as the crowd cheered. This was her moment, her introduction to the national scene. The king was here to defend her people, and I couldn't be prouder. Here and now, it almost felt real, the hope of victory that Caliburn promised.

"W-Wow," Mars whispered.

"Yeah, that's Caliburn, alright. It's a pity that's not enough," I said softly.

"Huh?"

"Caliburn failed King Arthur too. That was why she had to obtain Excalibur. As great as it is, Caliburn is not enough to kill an endbringer."

"But… But you are?"

"I am. Mind lending me a hand?"

"If that's what it takes."

"Excellent."

X

"This wasn't what I meant!" Mars shrieked as she windmilled through the air. Her feet had been bound by Enkidu, Gilgamesh's most treasured Noble Phantasm.

It was not a weapon, not really. Rather, it was a set of chains that once restrained the Bull of Heaven sent by Inanna. Though it had no name, the King of Heroes chose to name it after his most precious friend, the only one he ever acknowledged as an equal.

Normally, these chains were only as strong as steel. They could be broken easily by a sufficiently strong monster or hero. However, they reacted to divinity, growing in strength until it was nigh unbreakable.

And right now, Mars was wearing the blessing of a sun god.

Enkidu would not break on me, not here, not so long as I swung Mars at the other end.

'I feel like you're not taking this seriously,' Shirou said dryly. 'I'm glad you're not nervous anymore, but shouldn't you pull out an offensive Noble Phantasm?'

'I will, but the meme gods must be satisfied.'

I laughed maniacally as Mars' voice stretched under the doppler effect. Leviathan would be here in a few seconds.

"Mars, you're immune to fire!" I shouted.

Then Leviathan was upon us.

I charged forward, overtaking the other capes in the frontline. With my best effort at Reinforcement, I left behind a plume of dust and sand. Mars and I would be the first to meet the endbringer. No one had to die today.

As he neared, I saw a sun bloom out of the corner of my eye and knew Mars had ignited herself with the heat of a star. Karna's armor was forged of no earthly metal, but sunlight itself. No fire would harm its wearer; thus was Surya's divine edict. The shining sun in Marissa's hand bloomed like a flower, turning her into a literal morningstar.

I laughed maniacally as I bolted straight for the endbringer. Before he could make contact with the line of shielder capes along the beach, I swung my new morningstar into his face.

I shouted at the top of my lungs. "Mars Impact!"

Mars exploded with the force of the miniature sun she was carrying. The deafening explosion shattered the shield line behind me, sending them sprawling like ragdolls along the rocky beach. Leviathan fared no better. He took the explosion head-on and was launched several hundred yards backwards, right back into the sea.

Really, the only ones completely unscathed by this were myself, with bullshit hax, and Mars, who may as well have been Surya's favorite child at the moment.

I laughed and pulled the chain back, yanking her out of the sand where she'd managed to bury herself. "Hahahaha, that's great. You good, Mars?"

"Ugh, I'm gonna be sick," she groaned. She flopped onto her back and shot me the finger. "All. My. Hate."

"I'm sorry, I promise I won't ever use Enkidu to chuck you at someone else."

"How about not using me as a weapon at all? You have like a million weapons! Why me?"

"Because it's hilarious, duh." I acquiesced at her glare. "Alright, fine, I promise."

"I want a raise."

"Done. Whatever you want."

Before we could keep bickering, Legend zipped down to our location in a flash of blue. For a man in his forties, he really managed to pull off a spandex suit. "Mars Impact? Really?"

I shrugged helplessly. "I mean, I can't really go much bigger than a planet, you know? I supposed I could have named the move after the sun, like 'Solar Impact,' but that feels really cliche. And 'Solar System Impact' is way too wordy."

"What about Galaxy Impact? You may as well go one scale higher then," Legend quipped, humoring me.

"Galaxy Impact?" I mulled over the name as I helped Mars to her feet. "What kind of name is that? That's just pretentious."

Legend coughed awkwardly before looking down at my blonde employee. "In any case, we might need you to do that again."

"Nope. No. Nuh-uh." Mars said, shaking her head. The dawning panic that settled across her face was delicious to behold.

Alas, I'd teased my adorable minion enough for the day. I laughed and waved her off. "Relax, I don't actually need you to kill Leviathan."

"You don't?"

"Nope. And hey, who knows? This might even soothe Becky's ego a bit."

"Leviathan is returning," Dragon spoke through our comms. "All frontline capes, beware."

That was just as well. I really didn't think Leviathan would bail with a single lovetap from Mars anyway. Endbringers weren't that easy.

I dismissed Enkidu, swapping it out for Gilgamesh's most famed Noble Phantasm. Ea settled in my hand with a comforting familiarity, one honed through hours upon hours of use in my kitchen. Truly, to be a chef was to wield the greatest power of all.

I held out the Sword of Rupture as it began to spin. This was not the gentle, languid rotation that resulted in the most succulent of roast chickens, but the wild, turbulent motion that once threatened to grind all creation to primordial dust. Crimson lightning arced from each segment, barely contained by my will.

All around, capes took a healthy step back. There was an unmistakable pressure in the air, a presence so similar yet different than Caliburn.

When Missy held the Sword of Selection, its golden light inspired hope. The aura of royalty was offset by an air of optimism and expectation, a promised victory and a valiant king. Not so with Ea.

When Ea spun, the pressure that settled on the shoulders of men was that of Gilgamesh's pride. It was the justified arrogance of a king who was more god than man. The King of Heroes demanded they kneel, and so they were pushed to their knees by the mere presence of his weapon.

Yet, Leviathan noticed none of this. How could a Shard understand the spirit of man? Shards aped at empathy by manipulating hormones and brain chemistry, but the feeling of smallness, of witnessing the majesty of the first king, was utterly lost to such alien entities.

So he charged as he'd always done, as his programming dictated. And when I saw his four eyes glowing behind the curtain of rain, I swung.

Words, ancient and profound, erupted from my lips, audible to all despite the shrieking of my Noble Phantasm. "I speak of genesis. The elements amalgamate, coalesce, and bring forth the star that weaves all of creation. Pay homage in death. Enuma Elish!"

I held nothing back. No longer was I jesting at an "aria" of my own. Gilgamesh's words echoed from my lips as I invoked the full might of an anti-world Noble Phantasm.

A torrent of crimson light engulfed the endbringer. The beam spiraled through the air, its rotation so forceful that the very world itself seemed as if it would tear asunder. The howling storm brought by the endbringer was drowned out in an instant, replaced by the grinding shriek of the world as it groaned under my weapon.

Though I'd never intended it to be so, the displaced air from my attack was enough to scatter the clouds, driving them away even as the wave of light slowly faded.

The sun poked its head from between the clouds and found not a hint of Leviathan.

Author's Note

Not much to say. Crack is Crack.

Random facts… Umm…

Oxtail is overrated. It's great for stew but though the stew itself is amazing, there really isn't much meat on those things. If you ever cook with one, I recommend adding a handful of chuck too.

Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find me on FFnet, Royal Road, Space Battles, Sufficient Velocity, and Questionable Questing.