Maya paced around her tiny bedroom, frequently having to dodge dirty piles of laundry and empty boxes. Her phone, now at full charge, was clutched in her hand. The decision to text Ethan or not weighed heavily on her from the moment she woke up. She could ask directly if this was going to be a date, but that would be too forward. Just starting a normal conversation wouldn’t be too crazy, though it might not lead to anything. And of course, she was still debating with herself if she even wanted this to be a date.
Oh! I’ve got it.
She tapped her phone awake and rushed out a text to Ethan, thanking him again for giving her a ride home the night before and mentioning their plan to meet again today. After hitting send, she patted herself on the back for being so clever. All she had to do was await his response and she would know if Ethan saw it as a date or not.
In the meantime, she figured it best to finally eat breakfast and pick out an outfit.
Two hours passed before Ethan replied. The first hour Maya had enough distractions to not worry. It was that second hour really took its toll on her. Was he put off by her sudden change in attitude? And why was he taking so long to respond? Had she hallucinated the entire car ride?
She hadn’t been that anxious in months, and truth be told, she started to appreciate the feeling of anxiety compared to the numbness she had been enduring. Being a nervous wreck was preferable to being a zombie.
When the text finally arrived, it simply said “np”
No problem… Are you kidding me?? There’s no way he sees this as a date. This reads like he hates me.
The temptation to send another text was strong. Still, if she had to wait another two hours for a zero energy response like that she would likely explode, so waiting to talk to him in person was her only real option.
After three more hours of pacing and worrying, another text from Ethan arrived. He was on his way to pick her up. It was only half past five, meaning he would get there earlier than six. Luckily, she had already been in her outfit for twenty minutes in anticipation.
What kind of warning is that, Ben? Er, Ethan. Oh god, I can’t slip up like that on our date. Or whatever this is.
She waited by the door to her apartment complex until she saw Ethan pull up. She jogged to his car to avoid the light dusting of snow that had been falling all day.
“Hey! Hope I’m not too early,” Ethan said as Maya knocked the snow off her boots and got in.
“Oh, don’t worry about that. I was getting hungry anyway.” She looked him over and noticed he was avoiding eye contact with her. At last she had her answer: this was a date. He had confessed feelings to her, they were going out to eat together, of course he wouldn’t see it as just a friendly hang out at this point.
Maya wanted to feel relieved at finally having her answer, but instead an overwhelming guilt washed over her.
No. Ben is out of the picture, I don’t owe him anything. I’m moving forward.
“Is everything okay?” Ethan asked.
“Yeah! Just… hungry! Like I said. Also it’s a little cold. And you know, with classes starting up again.” Maya stumbled over which excuse to use.
“Right, good.” The car accelerated forward as Maya fastened her seat belt. “Really glad we’re hanging out again, ya know,” Ethan said. “It’s crazy how long we went without talking. Probably the longest time since we’ve been friends.”
Maya was cautious. It wasn’t clear to her if he just wanted some small talk or if he wanted to lead into a deeper conversation. To stay neutral, she simply hummed in agreement.
“And you know,” Ethan continued, “if you want, we could do this more often. Make it a regular thing. Now that I have a car it will be a lot easier to make plans. And I could introduce you to a couple of my new friends sometime. I met them through the student paper club, I think you’d mesh really well with the group.”
Maya just watched as Ethan rambled to himself. She did miss the comfort of being with someone she knew so well. But at the same time, it didn’t feel anything like it did with Ben. When he would talk Maya always listened closely and tried to connect with what he was saying. It was like each word he said was something she treasured, whether it was serious or not. There was no other option than to smile when listening to him.
And with Ethan… She kept her ears perked up for what interested her but couldn’t get fully invested in what he was saying, even in a car with just the two of them.
As she felt sorry for herself, some of Ethan’s words clicked in her brain.
“Wait, that’s right!” She sprang to life. “When did you get a car? I meant to ask last night.”
He took a hand off the wheel to adjust his glasses. “Well, this is a little embarrassing, but my dad kinda bought it for me. I mean I was saving up and I didn’t ask him to or anything. So I guess it was sort of a Christmas present?” His cheeks got a little rosier than usual as he spoke.
Maya knew Ethan’s family was better off than hers. It wasn’t as if they were crazy rich, or she presumed he would have gotten a car much earlier. Still, it did get under her skin from time to time. She knew Ethan would never gloat about it, or view himself as above anyone, but she couldn’t help but envy it all. While he got to spend his free time however he wished, she had no choice but to get a minimum wage job just to afford food and books. If she hadn’t gotten as many scholarships as she did, it was unlikely she would have even gone to this university. Away from Ethan, Karen, Ben…
“Why are you embarrassed?” Maya asked. “It’s not like this is a super fancy car or anything. Seems like normal support someone would expect to get from their parents.”
She cringed at her own attempt to smooth things over. Did she sound bitter? For years they hadn’t argued about money and Maya never showed any jealousy. After an incident in high school where Ethan tried to pay for all of her meals when they went out, she snapped at him and the law was set. He was to never give her handouts.
Though if it was a date… Maybe it was okay? After all, when Ben paid for her meal it didn’t upset her at all. If anything it made her happy.
“Ah, yeah, I suppose so,” he said. “Sorry for bringing it up. But either way, I can give you as many rides as you’d like now, at least!”
Maya chuckled. Part of her knew Ethan was serious and would take her wherever she asked. But would that be right? They weren’t dating, even if she did heavily suspect they were currently on a date. She could get to work faster, grocery shop way easier, and avoid any scary late night situations without the need for the bus. Improving her life by using him…
Or, it would be if they weren’t dating. What if they started? She wouldn’t be alone anymore. She wouldn’t feel guilty about everything Ethan offered to do for her. The two could be happy together. He could probably even afford a surrogate if he ever wanted kids. Was there a downside? Why did a few pieces still feel out of place?
The car turned into a familiar parking lot, and Maya had no choice but to abandon her thoughts.
“Wow, that really is a lot faster now,” Maya said as she unbuckled.
“And now we can finally eat.” Ethan smiled at her before opening his door and stepping out.
By the time Maya adjusted her coat, she felt a cold blast as her door opened. Ethan was standing there, offering a hand. Her first instinct was to make a joke. Some sort of callback to when Ben was acting extra chivalrous on their date. Obviously though, she had to refrain.
“Let me help you out,” Ethan said.
Maya didn’t blush. She felt that she should have, yet didn’t. The seriousness of it all felt so foreign. She accepted his hand and was gently guided out of the car, with Ethan closing the door behind her. It was as if she ended up in some movie. Nothing that she was getting was deserved. She was cheating Ethan out of doing all this with a real girl. She had left Ben for essentially no reason, probably confusing him and definitely destroying their friendship. And worst of all, it finally clicked in her head that she could never be with Ethan.
They were quickly seated once inside. Though the atmosphere was familiar, Maya saw it all in a new light as her recent epiphany sunk in. Her appetite seemed immune to it, however, as she happily ordered a few slices of her favorite white spinach pizza.
Diets suck anyway.
Ethan struck up another conversation, something about his club again and an incident in it. She fully intended on listening with great intent until her mind wandered, which happened immediately.
Maya, for reasons she could never even hope to figure out, was unable to feel any romantic feelings toward Ethan. She knew she was being selfish. Or that it was at least selfish to play along with him. He was always a positive force over her life, and could give her an even better life if she was with him. He had done everything right, why was she overlooking him? If she ignored how she felt and feigned romance, both of them would be happy, so what was wrong with her? Eventually the whole thing became too confusing for her, and she supposed this was a crisis women had dealt with for a long time. Instead, she would have faith in her gut decision and enjoy some pizza.
The rest of their so-called date went smoothly. It really was just like old times. Ethan was good at talking, Maya was good at listening. She was thankful her anxiety prevented her from texting him too much earlier, now that she had found some clarity. Ruining another friendship wasn’t something she could afford. Naturally, she knew the moment she got home the loneliness would creep in again. At least for the moment, she was in good company.
Long after their pizza was gone and many conversations had passed, Ethan made a big show to stretch, sigh, then look at his watch.
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“We should probably head out, huh?” Ethan said.
“Yeah,” Maya agreed, “they probably want us out of here so they can clear the table.”
Ethan just nodded and stood up. The bill had been paid for at least half an hour, with Ethan insisting he cover Maya’s meal along with his own.
“Shame though,” he said, “I was having a really nice time. It’s been so long since we’ve talked, ya know?”
“Me too!” Maya said. “But it’s probably for the best. I have to start studying for the new semester. I’ve been putting it off.”
Maya knew Ethan might have suggested going to his place if she didn’t say anything. If she wanted to keep the friendship alive then she couldn’t let that happen. Though it was possible he didn’t have anything like that in mind. Maybe he would have just wanted to play video games like they had in the past. Still, not a risk she would take. No alone-time with Ethan until one or both of them was in a relationship.
“There’s still time to study later,” he said. “You should come over for a while. We could keep chatting.”
He never makes this easy.
“What do you want to chat about?” She asked.
That wasn’t the right response. It gives him a chance to–
“I want to talk about you. And me, and stuff.” He kept getting more energetic as he spoke. As if he was pumping himself up. “I want you to know how much I like you.”
“Ethan…” Maya could feel how strongly he felt. She felt the same way about Ben not too long ago. And yet, no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn’t feel it back. “I think… I really do need you in my life as a friend. But I’m not sure it can ever go past that.”
He didn’t speak, he just nodded. The pizza place wasn’t the ideal location for a talk like that. Maya would have to apologize for that later, not that anyone seemed to be paying attention to them.
“Ah, that sucks.” Ethan’s enthusiasm has dropped but he still managed to keep smiling. “Well either way, let’s do this again sometime!”
“Alright, but I’ll buy your pizza next time!” Maya said as they walked outside.
Ethan sighed. “Yeah, okay. Deal.”
For ten minutes, Maya sat alone while listening to random names get called out. She had found a nice nook in the corner of the cafe. A table for two that was removed from the others so they had some privacy.
Early morning hustle was always a cozy vibe to her. The idea of everyone together doing their best despite being sleep deprived and wanting nothing more than to go back to bed. Everyone talking in croaky voices with still-damp hair, the smell of breakfast sandwiches and coffee, frequent lulls of silence that would slowly get more infrequent as the day got warmer. The whole world being miserable together made it manageable.
She hoped one day she could exist in it without being a nervous wreck. Unfortunately, that was not the day, and she triple checked her phone for any missed texts.
The day before, Karen had asked to go out for coffee. Maya was feeling alright after her date with Ethan the day before, so it’s not like she was moping during work. Karen probably felt that they hadn’t spent much time together outside of work recently.
Whatever the case, Maya regretted showing up to the cafe fifteen minutes early. Now she had to wait. Her leg shook involuntarily as she surveyed the room for anyone she recognized. Other than a teaching assistant she had a semester ago, nobody else rang any bells. One of the perks of going out early. Either you don’t recognize anyone or, even if you do, nobody has the energy to strike up a conversation.
At last, Maya recognized Karen walking past the storefront and coming inside. Not wanting to risk her getting a different table, Maya stood up and waved, sure to catch her attention.
“Hey!” Karen’s face lit up as she saw Maya and headed over to sit with her.
The two friends took their seats.
“You haven’t been waiting long, right?” Karen asked as she shrugged off her coat.
“Oh, I just got here, don’t worry.” Maya said.
Is this really a normal meetup? Maya thought. Or did you see me moping at work and want to get the details?
“Thanks for coming, by the way,” Karen said. “I know you have classes starting soon and I’m sure the last thing you want is to get up early and hang out with your old lady co-worker.”
Maya chuckled. “Come on, you’re not that old.”
“You’re supposed to say I’m not old at all!” Karen laughed, feigning shock.
“Besides,” Maya said, “it’s good for me to start waking up early. You’re getting me back on track.”
“Well, I’m happy to hear that.” Karen smiled and settled into her chair.
Maya wavered. There was something off about her smile. It was hiding something. An emotion or a crucial detail. She had known Karen for a while and had never once seen that smile on her face.
“Is there anything you wanted to talk about?” Maya asked. “I’m sorry I haven’t been free recently. I really love whenever we get to spend time like this.”
“I do too,” Karen said. She paused for a moment, then took a deep breath before speaking again. “Maya, sweetie. There’s something you should know.”
This is it. She knows I’m trans. It was probably obvious from day one and she was just playing around with me this entire time. How do I fall for it every time?
“I’m moving in three weeks.”
“What?” Maya’s mind lurched. She had considered losing Karen as a friend because of her being trans, dozens of times even. But losing her in such a normal way? Not once did she imagine that.
“My sister in law was able to get me a job at her company,” Karen said.
Her voice reminded Maya of how her mother would always talk to her when she was a child and started getting upset. Was it that clear on her face? Or did Karen just know her that well? Either way, their age gap was never clearer to Maya than in that moment.
Karen continued, “It’s nothing fancy, just office work for now until I can try for a promotion. Still, it beats a convenience store’s pay by a long shot. Plus benefits!” Karen’s voice slipped back to what Maya was used to. “I know, I’m such a sellout. And technically, I think it’s nepotism. College me would be appalled, but hey, gotta move on eventually.”
Maya knew if she didn’t respond quickly and with a steady voice that Karen would overreact. She wanted to show that she was mature enough to handle this, even if it was hurting her on the inside.
“Wow! That’s… really great!” Maya said. She added some artificial excitement to her voice the best she could but ended up sounding strained. “So how far away are you moving?”
“Well, it’s about two hours away.” Karen paused. “By plane. But hey! I have family around here too, so I’ll be back super often. I’ll make sure we meet up any time I’m visiting, I promise.”
Maya swallowed. It could be worse, right? Karen could have left with no warning! Or she might never have a reason to see her again! Still, her emotions overtook her. A single sniffle was all it took to shift Karen from nervous excitement to cautious worry.
“Oh, Maya,” Karen began to tear up and hopped out of her seat and to Maya’s side. “I’m sorry, I only found out a week ago and have been getting things in order. I wish I told you sooner.”
Maya stood in response, as Karen immediately wrapped her up in a hug. By then she had given up holding her emotions back and let her tears flow with Karen’s. Despite picking the corner of the shop to sit in, she was certain most of the other patrons were staring at them.
Oh well, she thought. They can stare, who cares. At least I’m feeling something finally.
After at least two full minutes of hugging and silently crying, they broke apart and retook their seats. Maya wiped away what she could from her eyes and took a couple deep breaths before she attempted to speak again.
“Sorry about that,” she said, a little shake still in her voice. “I really do think that’s great.”
“Don’t worry,” Karen said, also wiping at her eyes. “If you didn’t start it then I was going to. One way or another, there’s no way to have a dry goodbye.” She stood up and grabbed her purse. “Here, I’m gonna get us some lattes, okay? Let’s get a caffeine buzz going and then we can continue this.”
“Oh, sure,” Maya said. “That sounds good, thanks.”
She walked a couple steps away before turning back. “Any flavor preference?”
“Um, mocha please.” Maya said.
“Be right back!” Karen grinned as she left toward the line in front of the counter.
Maya looked around the other people in the coffee shop. None of them were looking at her anymore, which was a relief. Though, they might have been while she cried just a few minutes ago. She shook her head and moved to a new train of thought.
Karen, her first close friend she made while being stealth. Someone who judged her based on who she was and didn’t calculate everything through a lens of her being trans. She was also her first female friend, as embarrassing as it felt to admit. And at the end of the day, she had to admit that a part of her saw Karen as a big sister. Getting to know her as they worked together, growing closer and trusting each other more. All of it improved Maya’s life in a way nobody else had. Nobody except Ben maybe…
Still, Karen was leaving and that wouldn’t be stopped. The friendship they had would radically change, or even cease to exist. If anything, she wanted Karen to stay so she could pay her back somehow. A present, an act of kindness, a way to show her that she was trusted and loved. Maybe telling her a secret that she had been meaning to. One of the very things that she liked about having Karen as a friend and ending that part of it, now that it was ending anyway.
It was no more than a few minutes until Karen was back at the table with two coffees in hand. “Now don’t even think about paying me back, got it?” Karen said as she took her seat. “I’m gonna be living it up starting next month anyway, let me treat you!”
Maya rolled her eyes. “Alright but don’t spend too much of what you don’t have yet. And thanks.”
She took the lid off of her latte and blew on it. A stall for time. The next thing she said to Karen had to be important, or she might never get the courage again. And partially because her mouth was extra sensitive to hot drinks.
“Hey, umm…” Maya started.
Immediately Karen’s demeanor changed, no longer focused on her drink and instead lasered onto Maya. Of course, that didn’t help Maya’s nerves in the slightest. She tried to take a deep breath as stealthily as she could, not wanting to reveal herself as a wreck. It wasn’t the first time she had come out to someone. In high school she had to do it, a few times in college like with Ben, but those were all different. They either knew her as a boy before, or she had come out to them right after meeting them. Never had she told someone who knew her in the way Karen did.
“What’s up?” Karen asked, likely getting bored of how long Maya was taking to spit it out.
“Well, I want to tell you something too.” Maya spoke without missing a beat. “I’ve thought about telling you for a while now but I guess I’m running out of chances.” One last deep breath. “I’m trans… gender. Like, I wasn’t born female.”
Maya braced herself for anything. Even if she was no stranger to negative reactions when she came out to someone, deep down it was necessary that Karen accept her. Losing a friend due to moving was a million times better than losing one to something like this.
Karen just smiled. No look of disappointment, or glances at her body to see if she could point out her most masculine features. Just a warm smile.
Did she already know? Of course she did. I bet anyone who looks at me can tell. Maybe all along I was some charity case for her to feel good about herself.
“Thank you for feeling safe enough with me to share that,” Karen said.
“Did you already know?” Maya asked with no attempt to hide her desperation.
“A little? Not really,” Karen replied. “About a month ago I heard some people from work talking about it. Something like a friend of a friend saw you at some LGBT thing and guessed you were trans from that. I figured it was just a rumor and told them to shut up.
But then I got to thinking, maybe that was why she didn’t want me going to the fair. And then after worrying about it all shift, I decided it didn’t really matter either way. I know you’re a genuine person, I know your personality, I know how loyal of a friend you are. Any silly details don’t matter. If it was true and you thought I needed to know then you would tell me, and if I didn’t need to know then why should I worry?”
Maya was stunned. If there was a perfect person in the world, she figured Karen was it. She never imagined that kind of well thought out response to her coming out. In fact she wagered if someone else came out to her she might have a worse response than Karen’s.
“Karen,” Maya tried to form a sentence. Thankfully she had just spent all of her tears a few minutes prior, or it would have been impossible to speak at all. With enough determination, she was able to choke out the rest. “Thank you.”