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The Headache Of My Life, But Damn If It Was Not Worth It
The Best First Encounter Conduct Ever Recorded

The Best First Encounter Conduct Ever Recorded

“Captain! Are shields are not going to make it! 20% and dropping!” my first officer shouts in panic.

“45 degrees starboard, 15 degrees up on the elliptical! Get us out of the line of fire!” I shout trying to get their heads out of their asses.

Why did I accept this request from the UMN? It was supposed to be a simple cache drop to one of our outposts in the area. How the hell did these insects get here so far into Terran space?

The asteroid itself is three quarters the size of earth that we found at the beginning of the war with them 500 years ago after first contact failed. Miserably.

As for our attackers, just look at any bug on earth. But instead of being less than 5 inches tall, picture them about our height or taller with their carapaces harder to dent.

Their nest ships, which look like a cone that is made of dirt, is firing plasma balls at us. And my transport ship is not going to hold out much longer. Especially so since this is actually a military transport ship disguised as a civilian ship.

We took all of our higher end stuff off of her before we left so our human enemies don’t get them. Just in case they take a fancy to her for some odd reason.

“Captain! We have another contact 87 degrees below us heading towards us at .09 normal speeds! And it is fucking huge!” my navigations officer shouts out drawing me from my small reverie.

“Get them on the line and tell them to get the hell out of here! We have no time nor any way to help them!” my first officer, Greg I think his name is, shouted to Nancy, my comm officer.

“I have been trying, Sir! No response! I have tried every known language in our database! Its as if they are not even there!”

“Ma’am, this may sound unappealing, but we may need to use that ship to flee! Since no contact has been established, we must assume that it has been abandoned!” Greg remarked to me what all high-born delicate maidens, the men I mean, have said since the start of the war just to save their own asses.

The problem with Greg is that he was actually forced by the courts to be here since he was caught in a child sex slave ring. And since mommy and daddy were high nobles, this is his punishment. Lucky me, Captain Diana Rothmen, for having the honor of having the only male on ship and in 40 lightyears that has a dick so small that the rest of us women on board are willing to sleep with one of the insects just to let of some steam in the year 7,898.

Again. Lucky us.

Instead of trying to flee like little-dick recommended, I gave the order to try and slingshot around the asteroid for escape velocity. But as soon as the ship was a light second away from us and the 3 nest ships, a laser fired out from the ghost ship. It not only cut the nest ships in half but was also able to move the laser like that of a search light.

The ship looked like an older style fighter jet, but as long as Jupiter. It has 10 ‘wings’ that start at the back end of the ship heading straight outwards and curves forward. Then another 20 that are about a quarter the size facing backwards.

The laser that attacked came from one of the wings that was above the ‘top’ of the ship. It was like someone just took a red laser pointer and just moved it in a way to cut them in half without turning it off.

We watched in both awe and horror at what we saw. I had my resident science brain, Merissa, identify the laser frequency to see what she could learn from it and had my recon specialist, Miranda, try to identify the ship now that we have a bit of breathing room.

I turn to see how far away we were from the ship. 1.1 light seconds away. I had Rachial move us to 1.5 light seconds away from the ship and just coast with it. Turning to Nancy, who just nodded, and began to send out a rescue squad and a research and exploration team for the craft we found.

Getting out of my chair, I was heading out of the door when Mr. Tootsie decided to follow and give me a headache for not listening to his orders. 12 seconds later, I had him sleeping like a baby with a broken nose and a swollen eye laying in the brig. With that done, I went back to heading towards Merissa to see what she could tell me. Her sister Miranda would take a while since that ship looked old. Very old.

3 weeks later, we were being hailed by five attack ships and eight science and exploration ships. We sent what we have been able to find out to them on a regular basis from our scans alone, how big the ship is, and what the ship registry is, which of course was unknown.

The only real clue we actually have about the ship, is the old-style words that were on the ship. Donating that it that it is indeed a Terran ship. Bu who could build such a ship and why was it abandoned?

When I had sent the finding back, I received an immediate reply form higher saying that we are to not leave the area and to safeguard both the asteroid and the ship.

How the hell am I supposed to safeguard a ship that can destroy 3 nest ships in 1.8 seconds? When it takes us about an hour to kill one? I really should have taken that desk job my mother has been bitching to me about.

So here I am, waving at them like an idiot to people who just arrived like they were family coming for a visit. A family I wish I had a nuke for and ready to flee once I set the timer.

“You know Di, if the LT. Major were to see you, which he probably is right now, he would have you confined” Louise, my personal driver for my ship, spoke aloud.

“I bet he would have shit his pants while his dick divorced him after seeing what we have seen for the past few weeks. I bet it is from one of those groups 5000 that claimed neutrality, chucked up the deuces, fingered them off with their third leg, and vamoosed out of dodge. About 100 years after we accidently found that tech on that planet that used to be Pluto” I replied, still waving like a demented idiot.

Then I stopped and watched in horror as the lead ship, USS Sacrifice, headed off towards the foreign ship. Even Nancy was looking on stupefied at what they were doing.

It was when they were within the radius we figured it would attack at, that the ship fired at the battel cruiser and sunk her. Cutting through our latest armor like a hot knife through butter.

“Oh damn! Guess I was a bit to late” Merissa said from behind me.

Turning to her, I raised an eyebrow in a questioning look.

She just shrugged and said that the beam was actually not frequency based but based on the old reflecting light tech that was dominating the battle fields back in the 21 century once they got it to work. Effectively stopping WW3 from happening.

Forwarding that to the S&E ships, we got ready to leave when I received another message from higher saying that I was to be made ready for use. That got me both pissed and my curiosity peeked. Then we got a message from the lead S&E ship saying to stay outside the attack range we already knew about.

Men have always said they were smart, but are they really this smart?

oh, yeah. I better hand over Mr. Tootsie Mutineer to the battle cruiser that is now the head macho around here. With the written report about what he had done and said. With a little bit of revenge that I am justified for having to put up with him~!

After all, all little boys need to learn responsibility when they are young right?

With that done, me and my crew are now able to spend some time checking on the quality of the mental and physical health of the male population on board the different ships. If you are given a steak buffet on a silver platter, might as well partake right?

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I wonder if I can coral any to become therapists aboard my ship?

After taking several hours of tests, I looked int the mirror at my 5 foot 9, raven hair and jade eyes athletic toned snow white pleasantly sore body. On my face that has red pouty lips is a satisfied smile from the warmth I now feel.

God, I miss that.

Showered, dressed, and waiting back on my ship, I was in the middle of laying down for a well-deserved nap when I call from one of the explorers. Apparently they want to use my ship as some sort of battering ram. After being hooked up to the only other field generators that are in the outpost.

Not long after that was taken care of, I was told to have my entire crew on the ship and launch towards it. That got me to become a pirate right then and there. As I cursed at them for over an hour in such a way, that a veteran sailor would be crying in pride if he had taught me.

None of us realized that we were set to override as our ship was slowly heading towards the damn doom ship. We only noticed where we were as soon as we got hit by the death laser.

Are shields, 45 of them, went from 100% to 1% on only one of the shield batteries. I was so glad that I was on cloud nine when I was able to override the incoming commands from the bastard that was steering us towards it and went full reverse taking us out of the firing range.

As soon as I was on screen again with the bastard, or so I thought as the UMN General appeared with my mouth hanging open with a ‘YOU FUCKING BASTARD!’ that came out.

“As much as I would like to help you with the sailor talk that I had the most fortunate task of listening to and talking about my obvious male lover and our bedroom activities, I must resist and inform you that the test you volunteered for has shown that that ship is most likely capable of cutting a Neutron Star in half. We must half that offensive capability for our defense on the outer rim of our territory. As your superior, I am here by ordering you to get on that ship, with anyone that you can get there with you, and board that ship. Or at the very least, bring the damn thing back here so we can have a crack at it as well.”

That got my shocked mask of embarrassment as my eye twitched in annoyance as I was studying his marbled chiseled face that I wish I could ride for a while. As I am also staring at his tattoo that looked a lot like a woman clawed his face. There are four black lines that are a quarter inches at the base near his left eye that head straight out before curing straight down.

He pretty much told me ‘you will die attempting to board the ship’ and ‘you will die attempting to bring it back here to Terran’. Terran being Earth’s new name.

Smirking, he slightly licks his lips just enough to piss me off more, and added fuel to the fire by saying “at least we were able to save you from dying in a vain attempt in a blaze of glory. From our oldest of records, and I mean our Oldest records, we were able to find the ship in question. The writing on the ship is a mixture of Japanese and Chinese writing. That should give you an idea of how old, Captain. We also so happen to have the ‘password’ for getting closer to the ship. Hope you have black paint on board you lecherous wench. I can only wonder if that is why you were so adamant naming your ship with the same name”.

Cutting off the transmission before I am able to say a word, I went on a good 5-hour rant before getting a good nap in while thinking about the re-examinations that my crew needs to give in a few days.

A few days have now gone by and I now feel very satisfied, and my crew, minus little dick, are very happy. Even as we travel to the ship, we still feel good without s single thought but who we want to examine next.

At least that is what I wanted to believe. As soon we got within the no-fly zone, the ship itself turns towards us and sends out a blast of signals that causes our electronics to fry. Causing our happy time to turn into dead and dry look from each of us on the ship.

Our toys however got zapped and are now crying about it to us. Which is the reason for out looks. Since we crew members on my ship are sitting on seats that are electrically wired also got zapped but both in a good way and a very sad way.

I was only stopped from hitting the button by Louise when she cut the power to my console.

“Lou!? Why are you stopping me from talking with them? I just want to tell them to shut up” I reprimanded.

She just gives me the stink eye and rebuked “that was the cargo bay doors you twit.”

“They would have gotten the message one day.”

“Ladies? You can argue whose tits are bigger once we stop the ship from taking all the information form our databanks. Then I will pull out the tape measure and we 8 can go at it in front of our 48 toys as they get ready” Nancy says in a deadpan tone causing us to stop as she herself is a triple D with me as the next biggest at a size D.

Trying to stop the information from being taken, we are also trying to navigate our ship closer to the other ship that is now literally dwarfing us. My ship looked like it was the hood ornament of the ship that is now just a kilometer away.

All of a sudden, we were thrown forward as if we were stopped on the spot. Looking back into the cargo hold, some of my toys were dead from broken necks or torn apart from impacting the crates that were in there.

Pissed that I will now need to get more, even though they were free, I tried hitting the fire button for our point defense weapons. That got me more pissed as I could not have my revenge. Fuming, I had to watch as all the ships that are being dragged along with us, much to our happiness, towards the side of the massive thing.

Once we were aboard, every ship was saying the same thing about there being breathable air. But in different voices as if they are trying to measure dick sizes over the comms. Rolling our eyes at the infinite wisdom of the lesser gender, we went about to get ready for departure.

Weapons, check. Armor, check. Makeup, check. Condoms, check.

Check list done, we headed out. We were not surprised to find that we were the last ones to exit our ship. But we were surprised that we were never on the ‘see if they are ok’ list. I think I was mad enough that the rubber goodness melted in my pack.

But we were happy to see that one of the research ships were filled with nothing but women. Going over to them, we talked for a few minutes before heading out to explore. Especially so, since all the ‘brilliant minds’ were too busy jizzing in their pants at everything they see in the docking bay.

Thank God they are actually that dumb to try and head into the bay before two thirds of them died from vacuum space poisoning.

I would say that we were having a blast, but we violent freaks got bored very quickly, hence the need for more toys, while the techies were in heaven with all the stuff they are seeing.

It wasn’t until we were into the fifth month that one of my crew went off the to relax and repopulate, that we made another discovery that blew our mind.

In the middle of the ship was a crystal-like structure that had an image of the perfect man all women dream about. White long hair, about 6 foot 8 inches tall that I can guess, and a body I would kill over, literally, to keep in a locked room for my enjoyment only.

He also had the tattoo that General Dick has but on both sides. Were as the General only has claw marks, this beauty of a specimen has the same with a much more tribal version of it.

On his back was another tattoo between his shoulder blades. This one has a black dragon standing on two feet with his hands and wings spread, as it is holding two swords in either hand. It had no eyes that could be seen. On either side of the dragon is a white tiger with blue stripes and black wolf with red eyes holding what looked like chains in their mouths that are attached to the wrists of the dragon itself. Behind the dragon is Death with It’s scythe around the dragon’s neck, followed by a Phoenix that is breathing firing on top of the others.

On either side of that tattoo is a red and black dragon with their wings extended upwards and their claws on both the front and rear paws that are attached to the inner tattoo. All this just made him look more badass as a trophy on my bed with a collar and leash attaching him to my bedpost.

I would even put a cute collar, I mean choker, to mark him as mine.

I can only shudder at what his 17 inch and 4.5 wide goodness with a creamy center could do for me.

The crystal itself had wires and tubes that went into the ship. From what I can overhear from the tech-head, the plethora of stuff coming off the thing was transferring power into the ship itself. At the base of the ship is two piles of ashes that nobody can identify as to its origins.

While everyone was looking at the stuff around the room, my crew and I were to busy fantasizing at tasting the creamy center of the mirage that was in the crystal.

Miranda stepped forward a bit to getting a better angle on the image when the whole room started to buzz with alarms. The lights turned from a warm yellow light to bright red and started flashing. Then a language no one present in the room has ever heard started to speak.

Next thing we all know, the crystal starts to slowly light up and begin to melt. While the geeks and nerds were complaining about the loss of the crystal, I was busy crying over my dream toy disappearing.

When the crystal finally melted all the way, and I was done crying, the light disappeared and there in all his glory stood with his knees slightly bent as he stood on the toes of his feet. He wasn’t even flexing, and all of us women present were swooning like some love struck hussie ready to be taken at his whim. I had to punch myself to keep at least one brain cell functioning.

“Strynech tre horshiung!?” he said in a perfect bass voice that caused my brain to further short circuit.

Then her smirk at our reactions and said in a language that we all were forced to learn in school “do any of you lovingly swooning maidens have any spare clothing that I can borrow? Or is your fantasies of you wearing me like a fur coat getting to appealing for said clothes?”

We all laughed seductively at that and denied it, though I am sure we all were. But we won’t tell him that. But from his mischievous eyes, I can guess he knew better.

Once we got him showered and dressed in one of the rooms we found that is similar to that of a crew room, we walked with him in the parts we have explored thus far. And no matter how sweet his words are, there is a nagging feeling that he is far more dangerous than we see and he lets on. And I was proven right as he seduced me and my crew when we were alone with him later that day.

I don't think I was ever this satisfied in my life. And I got to see just how sweet and warm that cream is. AND BOY WAS IT DELICIOUSLY WARM! Will he like the cute black saten dog collar that I have aboard my ship?

Nap time.~

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