Is it because he's rich? Is it because he's the son of a famous politician? Is it because he's better at work than me?

Why can't I even keep a job? Why do I even try?

What am I... twelve?

These were the questions running through my head as I gulped down bottles of vodka, one after another. If I didn't kill myself from alcohol poisoning, I'll make sure to do it later.

I was let loose from my job today because I was replaced by someone; someone that will burn in hell for all of eternity if I ever get the choice to do so. This isn't only because of what happened today at work; no, there's much more to this bastard than that.

He's the murderer of the only person who believed in me; my fiancé.

I'm aware that the fire wasn't caused by an oven left on, or an exposed electrical wire. I took her away from him, and then he took her away from the world.

"Fuck!" I shouted as I kicked the table that had my mail on it. The papers flew, exposing the overdue rent notices and other bullshit.

The toilet… I need the toilet.

Throwing up the alcohol that nearly killed me, I rinsed my mouth clean and stared at my figure in the mirror. What stared back was a raggedy loser filled with 22 years of nothingness. The pale white skin that matched my white shirt, and the deep black hair that matched the bags under my eyes, were all reminders of what I hate the most. I've truly become a rat myself.

"Pathetic, really. Can't even keep a damn job… this is the second I've lost this year."

Practically dragging myself to the squeaky bed, I fell asleep quite easily.

"...key..."

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Huh? Is someone there?

"...door..."

No way, is this sleep paralysis? No, I would be awake.

"ONE."

Practically jumping out of my bed, I broke out into a cold sweat. Was that a lucid dream? No, it felt too real. I'm not one for fantasy, but damn, that certainly felt like something in one.

"Key, door, one. A key by the door? Although that wouldn't explain what one means."

Walking over the papers from earlier and the empty bottles of cheap alcohol, I reached out to the door. Opening it, I saw nothing.

"I've never been this drunk before. No, that's a lie, I definitely have been."

Walking back over to my bed, I sat upon it and opened up the box underneath the bed frame.

"A lighter, alcohol, and a towel. So I'm finally doing it, huh. I finally got drunk enough for this shit."

My plan isn't to go down as some hero who gets revenge for his lover. No, my plan is to simply get rid of one of the parasites in society.

I found myself walking down the road, not having a car to drive in since I sold it for rent. I'm perfectly aware of what I'm doing, and quite frankly, I feel as if this will finally give me some peace.

My goal isn't to kill him. My goal is fear.

I found myself walking for hours, enough for the sky to become encased in a dark shell, speckled with stars. Planted in front of me was the home… no, rather a mansion, of that bastard.

Although it was dark, the gate was open. Did he go somewhere, or did he just get home? Either way, it doesn't matter. I just have to destroy it all. In the end, that's all that matters.

"Hmm, on time!" a voice said behind me. Quickly turning around, I saw him.

"Not saying anything, eh? Why don't you do what you came here to do?"

He's going to let me burn his life down? No, how did he know?

"Go ahead. Throw it," he said, a sinister look on his face.

Calling his bluff, I lit the Molotov and ran. I ran through his open door and threw it. When I ran back out, I noticed something that shouldn't have been there before; the holes in my torso.

"You poor soul… first I burn down your lover, and now I pop you full of holes. Oh well, it'll only repeat until…"

Falling to my knees, I blacked out, not able to hear his finished sentence.

"NO!" I jolted awake, seemingly sitting in bed. Fuck me… another dream. This shit may be enough to stop me from drinking…

Trying to sober up, I went to go get a glass of water. Although the light was on, it seemed relatively dark. Did I go too overboard this time? It's never been this bad before. Maybe I should call an ambulance… no, I can't afford that.

My vision being all fuzzy, I couldn't help but try and look out for all the obstacles I laid earlier on the ground.

Successfully stumbling into the kitchen, I got a glass of water and drank it. And another. And another.

"What a nightmare… Why does this have to happen to me now of all times? I'm getting tired of this."

Wasn't I already tired? Why am I saying that now? I've been tired for years dammit… Where did it all go wrong? Was it my lack of effort in school? No, I still did well. Was it my lack of social groups? No, I had close friends. What was it? What was I lacking in?

Ambition?

Wisdom?

No, something everything needs.

Strength.

Of course. The most simple thing all living things lack when faced with a new opponent. Strength to deal with it. I wasn't strong enough to keep going forward, I've been haunted by my past day in and day out.

I didn't grow, not one bit. I couldn't change for the better, I could only look down on myself and ask: why didn't I do this, and why didn't I do that? In the end, it was self-pity.

I didn't want to try and change, I wanted to be changed.