"Alright. This is nice."

Justin muttered as he lugged a giant pot up a winding flight of stairs.

"This is nice."

He had reached the top which exited out to a precarious cliff face. It was easily a 500-foot drop straight down.

"This is very nice."

He emptied the contents of the pot off the cliff edge, watching it scatter to the winds.

"This is bullshit!"

He screamed, contemplating hurling himself off the cliff along with the contents of the chamber pot.

"...This is nice."

Justin muttered as he collected the pot again, preparing for the trek down the stairs.

He had been here for a week already. He found that the room he was summoned in was actually apart of some medieval wizard's tower inside a mountain basin.

It would've been a nice change of pace as well if he wasn't overloaded with chores for twenty-five hours a day.

Seriously, if he weren't an undead, he would be dead right now.

Fortunately, he didn't tire and still retained enough sense of touch to be able to feel objects. His body was cold due to his lack of a beating heart, but oddly enough his body doesn't rot.

Any cuts and injuries would have to be repaired by Nelly with 'Flesh Mending' or creation, but they were few and far in between.

As he finally reached the base of the stairwell, he picked up an axe, and started to chop the mountain of firewood that would be required to heat the whole tower.

*Guh, here's another five hours of my life...or unlife ehehe*

Justin slowly fell into a state of melancholy as he resigned himself to his fate.

*Why does a master of magic need firewood anyways? Can't he heat up his house without it? All powerful destroyer of the world my ass*

*Muhhhh I want to fight bears*

*I want to chop bears*

*Was this really worth it?*

Unbeknownst to the wood chopper, a wicked old man was chortling from the tower window.

"Isn't it a beautiful day Nelly? The sun is out, there is a nice fresh breeze, and the view is outstanding!"

"No, it's not! I'm stuck reading old textbooks, and aren’t you being a bit cruel to Yorkie?!"

"... Yorkie?"

She dropped the scroll that she was reading and scratched her ears shyly.

"Well, since he's in a new world, he obviously needs a new name too. I felt Yorkie was the best translation."

"... You know what? I'm not even going to question that. After you finish the last set, tell our little corpse to make preparations for dinner."

He didn't even bother turning around to see the little girl dancing in delight.

"You don't like my cooking, do you?"

"I didn't say that."

"You were thinking it."

"Well, maybe you should start seasoning the food."

"It's plenty nutritious and the flavor is good enough!"

"If I wanted to eat raw leaves and carrots, I'd join the rabbits outside!"

Meanwhile, Justin...or Yorkie was rhythmically splitting wood in a trance-like state.

*Come to think of it, this isn't too bad. Bears are brown. These logs are brown. Thus I'm not actually splitting wood, I'm splitting bears.*

The chopping quickened.

"Ha! Do you feel my rage! Do you feel my fury?! YOU. ARE. NOTHING. BEFORE. ME."

Chop. Chop. Chop. Chop.

Accidentally mis-swinging at one particularly tough cord of hardwood, the axe was knocked out of his hands, falling to the ground with a melodramatic *flop*.

"STOP RESISTING. Just accept your fate!"

He lifted the cord of wood high above his head before bringing it down against the stump, again and again.

"DO YOU REGRET IT NOW? DOES IT HURT? HAA HAA YOU THINK I'LL TIRE? THAT I'LL GET BORED. THAT I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE? IN YOUR DREAMS. DIE FOR ME. DIE. DIE. AHAHAHAAHAAAA!"

Finally smashing the cord of wood into an unusable pulp, his body felt fatigued as he tossed the remains to the side.

He gasped for air having just undergone a strenuous effort filled with passion.

Not that he needed to breathe.

"Haa... You like that? Hahaha"

Elated at his latest conquest, he brushed the stump clean and took a well-deserved rest. He slowly brought his hands against his head.

"I really need a hobby."

Aside from his lust for bear violence, his current lifestyle at the moment did not seem to be contributing to his ideals of a fulfilled life.

*This doesn't make sense. Technically this is a job, so why don't I feel satisfied? Do I need to do other things too?"

Reminiscing about how happy his old college friends were with their first jobs out of school, he started to grow suspicious.

-Yeah, I just got signed in with a huge accounting firm. I work eighty hours a week. #finally an adult-

-I'm currently starting a new churro truck business. I'm following my dreams. Here's my card.-

-Yeah, I just took out another loan for my master's in library science. Life is going to be so good.-

-Have you met Cindy? We met three months ago, but oh my God she's so wonderful. We got lucky and are now having a kid! I always wanted to be a dad!-

*You know, thinking back. Some of those guys were probably lying through their teeth.*

He could just imagine their eyes pleading for help while their faces were contorted into forced smiles.

*No, that can't be right. Maybe I'm still a bit cynical from the past 'me'. This is a new world, a new me, I can force myself past this!*

He smacked his head around. Forcing his mind to accept that his past self was restraining his happiness, he continuously rained blows.

His head gradually become lighter.

*That's it! I am happy! If I just smile and show my happiness, I should feel that way too!*

He was wrong.

Yorkie pulled his lips back, trying his best to show off a smile.

*I really wish I had a mirror right now. Oh! OHHH! I think I can feel it working!*

The vibrations from impact traveled up his arm and into his brain, making his whole body quiver in response.

*I wonder what happens if I work while smiling?*

Maintaining his grin, he picked up his axe and set down a cord of wood on the chopping log.

The wind whistled as the axe split the wood neatly into two halves.

*Amazing! Chopping a log feels so enjoyable now!*

He was delusional.

*I see, it's all about one's frame of mind. How insightful.*

That was not the case at all.

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

*If I just hold this smile, the next twenty years will be a piece of cake!*

He had successfully managed to delude himself.

Regardless, he busily got to chopping when he heard a voice peep up from behind him.

"Hey Yorkie! I'm feeling pork chops for din-- Ugyaa!"

"What?"

"The heck is wrong with your face?!!"

"I'm not that ugly ok?!!"

"Actually I'd rate you a four out of five, but that isn't what I meant! Why are you making that disgusting face?"

"Again, I'm not that ugly ok? --Uhuk!"

He was knocked to his knees as the little girl smashed her fist into his sternum, knocking the wind out of him.

"Good, your face looks better now."

"But you didn't hit my face...Oh, You were talking about my smile!"

"That was not a smile!"

"Sure it is! See?"

He pulled his teeth back, and poked both his cheeks in what would normally be a cute pose.

Nelly: (Internal Screaming)

"Stop It!"

"But it makes me happy!"

"Does it really? Does it really?"

"Are you hungry? I'll make you something."

"Yes, but stop making that face!"

"Let's go then!"

"Don't ignore me!"

"The weather sure is beautiful today..."

Yorkie 'smiled'. He steadily marched towards the tower, seemingly unaware of the little girl who had clambered onto his back, pulling at his hair.

-break-

They were in the tower's kitchen, which admittedly looked like any normal modern kitchen. There was an assortment of pots and pans, a cold box that acted as a refrigerator, and a large heating platform controlled with a metal dial.

"...Taste"

"Flavour is a bit thin"

"...Taste"

"I don't like onion too much."

"...Taste"

"Why is there more onion now?"

"Taste!"

"THE SPOON IS COVERED IN ONION"

"Little girls shouldn't be picky. Vegetables are good for you."

Yorkie was halfway through sauteing half a dozen pork chops in a small saucepan.

Feeling that just eating meat alone would be a poor choice for a growing little girl, he tossed in some mushrooms and onions as well before julienning a head of purple cabbage.

"It's not that I don't like vegetables, but onions are much too spicy, and the taste makes me si-- WHY ARE YOU ADDING MORE."

Having cut a couple onions into thin slices, he swept those into the pot too.

"Only through hardship, can one grow as an individual."

"Stop! Stop!"

She pleaded as she clutched at his arms which had wandered to grab another onion from the 'fridge'.

The sauce pan was already covered in sliced onions, and she was in no mood for more.

"Proper nutrition makes for a healthy body. A healthy body makes for a healthy mind..."

"It's too much! I can't eat that much. I'll get fat!"

"Actually meat and bread are far more fattening than vegetables. I can just remove those from your meal, and you can eat healthily.

"I LIED. I LIED. I can't live off vegetables alone, I need meat!"

The pungent smell of pork wafting from the saucepan had already stimulated her appetite. She would surely go insane if she could only eat vegetables after smelling that aroma.

*As if I'd eat any of that gross stuff. I'll just finish the good parts first, pretend I'm full then I'll run off*

"It's also not good to waste food. Not everyone is so fortunate. When I was but a poor college student, the people who threw away good food were scum in my eyes"

"Guh"

Using a pair of tongs, he removed the pork chops from the bottom of the pan, placing them on the mountain of onions.

He turned off the heat.

"I've already done you the favor of cooking them. Be thankful."

"That's one favor that I can do without."

The little girl grimaced.

"Oh, they aren't so bad. Look!"

He took the onion that was set on the side and took a large bite. Juices streamed down his chin as he chewed noisily.

"Very juicy, with a sharp crunch. It's hard to get this kind of quality, even from farmer's markets."

Nelly cringed as Yorkie finished off the onion with a gusto. She suddenly stopped as a question popped into her head.

"Wait, Undead can taste food?"

"Nope."

"Then why are you eating it!"

"I enjoy the mouth feel"

"Isn't it weird?"

"Nah, it feels like a very crispy apple...that has layers"

"Wait! That's no fair! How can you know the pain of having to eat onions?!"

He stared at her blankly.

"You know I was alive up to around a week ago. I remember what onions taste like you know."

"You've never had a food you hated? Something that you absolutely can't eat?"

"Well I was allergic to peanuts, but that's not the same thi--"

"Exactly! It's the same for me! I will die if I have to eat this much onion. I thought you were my servant huh? Where's the compassion? You were supposed to care for my well-being!"

"I don't think that was included in my labor contract..."

"Well, it is now!"

Slightly dumbfounded, Yorkie had to reevaluate his impressions of the little girl.

"You're not being very cute right now."

"Who wants to be cute for you?!"

*Well look who's being all cocky now. You think I'm going to let you win so easily? Well, think again!*

"What about all this food, it's not good to waste it."

"Kuh! You...You can eat it! I saw you eating an onion with no problem just now."

"Little girl, the nutritional value becomes wasted on me. Besides, as an undead, I don't think I actually digest anything..."

"So? You can still eat it! A cook should eat his failures alone!"

"... Do you want me to eat the meat too?"

"No...Sorry..."

"Anyways, though I can eat things... it doesn't actually come out."

"Oh... So..."

"It's been a week, I haven't used the bathroom once yet."

Nelly stared at his relatively flat stomach. Do undead have some way of disintegrating organic matter? Or was all the food that was eaten this week still in there...fermenting?

"So I'm a time bomb. One of these days my stomach will burst, and everything I ate will splatter onto the floor"

"Bleh! Not before dinner!"

"I only ask you to eat them for today. I will make note to cook less of them in the future."

"So cruel!"

"It's part of being an adult."

"I don't want to grow up!"

"I believe in you, Nelly!"

-Hic-

*Wait a second. An adult?* Within the confines of Nelly's mind, she frantically searched through her five years of memories with her grandpa, searching for something, anything to save her.

She stopped at one of the thousand war time stratagems that her grandpa made her memorize. It might be a bit crass, but at the moment, it was her only hope of escaping this predicament.

-break-

Horus had been relaxing in his study when he heard his little granddaughter yell.

"Grandpaaaa It's time for dinner!"

He smiled to himself as he pulled himself up. 'Hiring' that corpse had been an excellent decision.

Not that this life in seclusion was necessarily bad, but he missed the times in his youth when he was waited on hand and foot.

He might have been a bit cruel with the never-ending list of chores. Even for an undead, there was sure to be some mental fatigue, but what of it?

*With sheer cliffs all around, and my handy dandy illusion barriers, he couldn't even run away if he wanted to*

He cackled maniacally as he found himself before the kitchen door. Scents of Sweet and Savoury tickled his nose as he found himself unconsciously salivating.

Although he hated to admit it, the corpse had better cooking skills than he did. It was too troubling to cook anything more complex than a soup or stew, much to Nelly's disappointment.

"What's for dinner...?"

He found himself staring face to face with Yorkie who was making...a face. It was reminiscent of the expression of a cave troll whom he drove to insanity a few months past.

"Hi, Grandpa..."

There was Nelly, but why was she so... distant. Why was she looking away? Suspicious. This was all too suspicious.

"Sir your dinner!"

The ghastly apparition showed him to the dining table nearby. A solid rectangle of mahogany propped up with two stone pillars.

On it lay a single plate laden with food, and a porcelain glass filled with chilled liquid.

"Ah, finally. It looks deliciou-- wait, why are there so many onions?"

The plate was literally covered with all the onions that were in the sauce pan earlier, stacking into daughter's mountain.

"Vegetables are good for you. They are a vital part of a healthy diet."

Yorkie so helpfully chimed in.

"Yes, but that doesn't explain why there are so many onions! Is there even anything here apart from onions?"

He dug into the mountain with a silver fork, finding absolutely no trace of the delicious smell from earlier.

"Ah, well you see. Nelly wasn't in the mood to eat her own vegetables, so I'm trying to teach her the importance of nutrition."

Looking at Nelly's plate, he noticed a much healthier proportion of onions to everything else. In fact, there were maybe two slivers of onion amidst the finely chopped cabbage, and pork chops covered in mushroom sauce.

*The hell is this. That looks way more normal than this pile of onions!*

"As you can see, Nelly was refusing to eat, so I was hoping the master would be a role model and show that vegetables aren't a big deal."

"But why are there so many onions!!!??"

"That's because grandpa always seemed to like onions the best, so I asked Yorkie to cook more of them."

Yorkie threw a nasty look at Nelly, as if to say that if this didn't work, then she would be the one to eat all the onions.

*Did I ever tell her that I particularly enjoyed onions? But still... how sweet*

The old man's heart was pierced through with his granddaughter’s mindfulness towards the things he enjoyed, but still, this amount was a bit...

"Fine, but why is there no meat? You can't expect me to just eat a bunch of onion for dinner."

"The pork chops will be served after you finish your meal"

Yorkie's expression remained unmoving as he explained. That face was actually quite disturbing.

"Am I a child? Are you anything more than just a slave forced to serve my every whim? If I want meat with dinner, then I will have it now!"

His cheeks flushed angrily as he had been forced to say some rather childish lines.

"If grandpa gets meat, he'll just eat the meat first, then say he's too full to eat the rest! Don't think you can trick me into eating vegetables! I'm onto your tricks!"

"Indeed. Saying you're too full to eat more is a common tactic for picky eaters to throw away food they don't like."

What was this feeling... Horus felt as if he had been caught in some sort of plot, but this was just dinner. The heck was going on?

"Onions have a great nutritional value, with high fiber and vitamin content which helps keep a body regular!"

"And a healthy body makes for a healthy mind!"

"But this amount..."

"You wouldn't want to give bad ideas to your precious grand daughter, do you? At this age, proper nutrition is most vital to her growth!"

"Yeah! If you don't eat them, I won't ever eat vegetables again."

Nelly said stubbornly. She pursed her lips and puffed out her cheeks as if making a life- changing decision.

....Seriously, what was this bad feeling? He looked longingly at the brown pork chops sizzling in the saucepan. His stomach acid churned as his own meal looked paltry in comparison.

"But..."

"As the elder generation, one must set the standard for the younger."

"You like onions right? I told Yorkie to make lots just for you!"

Looking at Nelly's sparkling eyes, he could not refute her. Looking down at the pile of mountains, he pumped himself up.

It’s not like onions were particularly bad anyways. He stabbed through a few slices and brought them to his mouth.

First bite.

It was alright. There were onions of varying degrees of rawness which made the dish fun to eat. From the sweetness of the caramelized onions cooked in pork fat to the spicy crunch of the onions that barely touched the saucepan.

Third bite.

It was still alright, but he was wishing that there was some meat to accompany it. Nelly had already begun to happily gorge herself. God, those pork chops sure looked good.

Twentieth bite.

Really getting tired of onions. His jaw moved mechanically as Nelly had slowed down as well. Staring at his each and every bite. On her plate was still a clump of sliced cabbage and one remaining pork chop.

Thirty-fifth bite.

Oh god. Make it stop. It's so gross. He took a deep draft of the chilled water which helped slightly, but the disgusting soggy yet crunchy texture persisted. He was of mind to stop then and there, but upon seeing the innocent eyes of his granddaughter, he knew he had to persist. Blurgh. He seriously wanted to throw up.

Fifty-seventh bite.

He wished he never had kids. To hell with being a good role model. The remaining pork chops in the pan were probably getting cold as well. He might as well chop the revenant up and eat him. Eating a week old corpse sounded infinitely more appetizing than this softcore torture device.

Last bite.

His hands quivered as he brought the fork to his mouth one last time. He had a splitting headache. He was sick of onions. He was sick of zombies. He needed a lie-down.

"Most excellently done master, would you like your onion-- pork chops now?"

"Blurgh-- That'll be fine. I am full now. Hurgh. Excuse me."

Managing to keep the contents of his stomach down, Horus glared at the corpse before shuffling out of the room.

*If you weren't already dead, I would have killed you thrice over right now*

"Grandpa was so cool!"

A little cheer piped up from behind him. Managing a small wave, he grimaced as he went to find a bucket to stick his head in.

"..."

"..."

"Let's never tell your grandpa what happened here, shall we?"

"Agreed"

"Still, it's impressive that he managed to eat it all, I put like four whole onions in that thing."

"So you were adding more just to spite me!"

"Oh no, when you said your grandpa was coming, I sliced up two extra raw ones before adding it to the plate."

"You are so evil."

"I learn from the best"

"So, can I have the remaining pork chops?"

"You can eat even more?"

Yorkie goggled at the little girl who had just previously inhaled half a kilogram of food.

"Hey! I'm still growing. I need my nutrition."

"You're just saying that because your grandpa ate all the onions."

Nelly stuck her tongue out at the corpse, before shoving her plate under his nose.

"You can add any other vegetable to it, just top me up! Also, stop making that face! It makes the food taste bad."

"Can't. Was born with it, but let me heat up the chops for you."

Ignoring the pouting little girl, he turned back to the stove. It wasn't long till the chops were heated and sizzling.

Removing the chops, he placed them on a bed of cabbage which was quickly snatched by Nelly. Not even bothering to head to the table, she stood and ate on the counter beside him.

As she was tucking in, she noticed Yorkie who was about to start washing the dishes. Forcing down a bite of cabbage, she gasped and called out to him.

"Hey Yorkie!"

"Hmm?"

"High five?"

Nelly grinned cheekily and held out a palm, to which Yorkie met with his own non-deformed smile. He was starting to like this girl.

"High five!"

[Slap!]