The Girl Who Chases the Wind
Chapter 20: Petrichor
Feldon slammed the desk in fury. “Don’t you think I’ve imagined that a hundred fucking times since? I know! Dammit, I know. One of the side effects of the earlier Memetic Crystalline formulations was a strange sensation, a feeling and smell like when it begins to rain. Everyone reported it, Aura especially. It’s much rarer now, but it still emerges from time to time like a phantom aroma wafting through the air with no point of origin.”
His eyes looked darkly-ringed. He appeared increasingly tired just speaking to me from a few minutes ago. Some part of me wanted to go easy on him. He was my father and I had so much yet to learn, but the reporter inside didn’t waver despite the buckling of the child. Still, I made no movement towards him of embrace or comfort. I was an observer even though I knew the notion was impossible.
I tried not to feel my recorder in my pocket. It was running and, while these weren’t ideal conditions, it was likely working well enough to get the gist of what we’d just talked about.
I held back my words as long as I could and then finally asked, “And what about Mari?”
He cupped his eyes and sighed. “What about her?”
“Do you have your finger over a switch for her too? Are you controlling her? Do you decide to turn her off or shut her up if she says the wrong things? Can you hear her thoughts or what she hears?” My questions spewed out like venom. I wanted Feldon to hurt with each one.
He didn’t move as they poured out. When I was done and on the verge of panting, he responded, “When Mari had some Memetic Crystalline, I could have moved her mood. I could have made decisions for her. I could have molded her into a second version of my daughter. But, at the point she’s reached, total Memetic conversion, there are just too many strings. Every nerve is a crystalline string. There’s nowhere to begin.”
I took a deep breath. The fury was cooling even though everything I felt, every ounce of disappointment and anger held focus like a totem of myself. I knew in every recess of my mind that I had crystalline nerves at the base of my neck and wondered how my strings could be plucked.
I didn’t ask that question though, I didn’t ask if he was manipulating me. It was too big a question, and I didn’t want to know the answer. But I did ask, “Why did…my grandfather choose to look like my sister?” Those words didn’t feel strange enough to say together.
Feldon released his eyes and folded his weathered hands in his lap. “Do you think I haven’t tried asking her? No amount of trying to peer into her mind could make sense of it for me. And I did nothing to put the notion in her head. It was her choice. Lily actually came first. She always took issue with having to be a man, especially an old man. Mari was fine with it, happy to be a father and…a grandfather, even when suffering followed…”
He took a breath as I let him continue. “I wonder…in a way. Well, it’s just my own thoughts. But I wonder perhaps…she chose to take after you, the lost you. The little you she remembered. Always chasing after her faster sister. Chasing the wind…always trying to go so fast, faster than seems possible. Hoping she might one day catch up to her. But these are my own thoughts and nothing more…”
Holding his hands up, he looked me in the eye. “And that’s it. Of course, there is more to say about the technical aspects. And Mari and Lily are both being constantly refined.”
I found my heart no longer thundering in my ears, as I asked, “What is the end result?”
His answer was swift. “No more loss. No more suffering. The kind of world men have only fantasized about in their alchemic dreams. And in that kind of world, wouldn’t you want the most powerful and influential to be held in check somehow?”
I shut my eyes. They felt tired beyond this hour of the evening. Feldon cleared his throat and said, “It is a lot to deal with. Take some time. You have had a long day.” I nodded back, even though I was barely listening to his words.
He led me through the procedures of the lift, the pop of denser air, and to the normal world above of nurses milling about and patients smiling. I’d never felt more detached from it. I tried to wear a smile, more to keep Feldon from asking any sudden questions.
He put on his own face, the appearance of the genial healer. He touched children on the back and smiled widely as he conversed with them one by one. I wanted to believe this was closest to his true face, and the one I’d seen underneath was just a means to an end. An end without the kind of pain he’d lived through? Was that all?
Once he’d done some charting and visiting, Feldon invited me to return to my room for some rest. I nodded, all the while thinking about Mari and where she might be underneath us or in her own facilities. I asked him.
His grin wavered, as he chewed on my question and offered, “You can probably find her in one of the cabins towards the woods. She likes her privacy out there. I wouldn’t visit her tonight. She’s still…recharging.” I persisted and Feldon eventually scribbled the cabin number on an irregular square of torn paper.
I wandered away from Feldon with only the most automatic of goodbyes as he lingered and held my hand with a wavering mouth and calm eyes. It was a kind look, a fatherly one. Just learning my genetics didn’t feel like it changed as much for me as it seemed to for Feldon. Still, I wanted to see the girl who used to be my grandfather by birth.
The evening showed the traces of the earlier storm. Pondering on what Feldon had said, I sniffed the air. Despite the dusty curls and sheltered mats of dark soil, I couldn’t smell it. Even the wind didn’t carry moisture on it.
I went as far as the main paths would take me, wondering what was happening beneath my feet. The cabin numbering was fairly logical with the digits increasing as I got further from the main complex. Mari’s cabin was the twenty-third and pretty much the last one I could make out, especially under the increasing cloak of the tree line after dusk.
Her cabin looked like it belonged in the woods with a gravel trail branching off into other ones which vanished into the canopy. I ran a hand along the rough bark of the nearest tree and looked up. The moon, stark-white, pierced through the branches with the form of plate shards.
It wasn’t as fancy as the nearer complexes, but it was still enough to put something like my small apartment to shame. Carefully, I knocked on the front door and waited. I could hear footsteps just beyond. I presented myself before the peephole and listened to the rattling of the lock. Lily opened the door and stood before it with a nervous expression.
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“Hi…” was all she said at first. I returned the same and asked, “Is Mari around?”
Instead of answering, she opened the door a little wider to reveal a couch with Mari sprawled across it, her head propped up and her legs curling slightly under her. She blinked for a long time but gave me a look to say she was awake.
Mari fidgeted. “Hey…sorry about passing out. It happens sometimes. Work in progress, as I said.”
Lily looked back but didn’t say anything. I wondered what she might say. This was her father. Which was hard to imagine just looking at them and noticing their girlish youthfulness.
Mari pushed herself up a little further and asked, “So….what did I miss?”
I advanced into the cabin and Lily let the door close behind me. The amenities were simple. It was about what I expected from a cabin, but a tangle of bedrooms and little nooks led off out of sight with tight corners. I suspected from the outside there was a second floor I hadn’t seen. I folded my arms and said, “Feldon confessed a lot to me…because the test showed I’m Rachel.”
Lily cupped her mouth and stared. Her eyes seemed to shimmer and quiver at the same time. Mari’s reaction came more slowly. She breathed a few times before saying, “I had hope. So much. I wanted it. I don’t know what I would’ve done if it had been any other way…”
I approached her and found some space at the end of her couch to sit with her. She pulled her legs in a little, so she wasn’t bumping against me.
After a few challenging breaths, she asked, “You said…Feldon confessed? What do you mean?”
I felt a little sick across the whole of my stomach at what I had to tell her. I hoped she might know something, but I began with the assumption she didn’t know any more than I did.
“Feldon has secret facilities under the clinic for the special treatment of the rich and powerful.”
Neither Lily nor Mari reacted with surprise. Instead, their mood seemed closer to resignation.
Mari kept her vast eyes on me and asked, “Was that all he told you?”
I settled back and rubbed my forehead. “No. He told me a lot. I don’t know if it’s everything, but he wants to control people all around the world with his Memetic Crystalline, claiming it’ll be for the best…”
Leaning back, Mari cradled her head and muttered, “Not wants. Does. Every day. The world you see has him pulling the strings now.”
I shook my head and asked Mari and Lily in turn, “And you’re just okay with that? You too?”
Lily clenched her hands and answered, “No…but I don’t oppose him.”
Mari closed her eyes. “Same. I dunno…maybe the world needs it. I’ve seen it at its worst.”
I gaped at the two of them. Lily cupped her eyes.
I shook my head. “So have I. I’ve reported on terrible things. And I’m sorry about what happened. But that doesn’t give anyone the right to do this. Feldon is manipulating others because he thinks he deserves it.”
Lily leaned forward. “Do we have to talk about this now? I mean…you’re Rachel. You’re actually Rachel. I never thought…I never imagined I’d ever see you again…” Lily’s eyes filled with her kind of tears and I relaxed the tension along my neck slowly.
I approached her and put a hand on her shoulder. With a sigh, I said, “I guess I’m Rachel. I don’t know what it means now though. I was a baby in war-torn Ukraine, but I grew up here with challenging parents who took care of me. And…Feldon told me he tried to fix me as a baby…’fix’ my gender…”
Lily cradled her neck. “I approved of that…at the time I did. And I’m so sorry. I just…I was so happy that I had nieces, that I wanted as many as possible.”
I couldn’t be angry with her, especially with the way her eyes trembled with pools of tears. I took a breath. “Imagine if you learned that the body you had to grow up in had been forced upon you by people claiming they knew what was best… You can’t force gender and you can’t force peace and change.”
From their expressions, I sensed they agreed with me. Lily nodded slowly and softly said, “Oh, I know. It’s terrible. I’m so much happier as I am, no matter if I have to be a lab rat…no matter what my brain is made of and no matter if my body is like a doll’s.”
I nodded with her. “I understand. At the same time though, I don’t understand why your father chose the same path.” I looked to Mari, who was still testing her limbs. She settled with my words.
Even with Lily’s gaze joining mine, Mari still held her tongue for a long moment, only to say, “I’ve told you all I wish to say about that…for now.”
Despite reservations, I accepted that. The quiet of the room led to my next question, “So, what happens now? What do we do?”
Mari asked, “Did you know that tunnels to observe the ranch exist beneath every building in the complex….except for these cabins?”
Raising an eyebrow, I asked, “Can you be sure of that?”
With a slight grimace, Mari answered, “As sure as digging every spot in and around the building can be. Even then, I can’t say with absolute certainty.”
I was going to say I had equipment for detecting surveillance, but it was likely that Feldon had seen me while I was sleeping in the dormitory-type building last night. I thought back to the sound I’d randomly heard. That could’ve been him sneaking away underground. I hated to think of him with such nefarious notions, even with what I knew.
I did some searching of my own, focusing on the floor. I didn’t find anything but that didn’t rule out methods that Feldon hadn’t revealed to anyone else.
Mari shrugged and told me, “It doesn’t matter if this place is completely secure or not. As for what we can do…I have a plan. It’s one I’ve had for a while. Will you help me? It won’t be easy.”
Lily tensed up and asked, “You don’t mean…what you said before, do you?”
I felt lost, but I waited for Mari to explain. She gave Lily a quick glance and told us both, “I don’t intend to just throw away what meager life I’ve been gifted. It’s blank and discouraging, but what Rachel told me is right. I need to live. So…will you help me?”
Holding her hands together, Lily looked between us without saying a word. I reached over and grasped her hand as she gave a little squeak. I grabbed Mari’s hand with my other and said, “I’ll do whatever it takes…”