It was a dream, always the same dream. Sky awash with frost, a valley covered in cascading white powder as far as the eye could see. Standing atop a great snow mountain I found myself face to face with a majestic leopard. Its fur is as thick and pure as the virgin white snow. Its great eight-foot frame towered over me, its deep blue eyes transfixed onto mine.

As snow fell, we both stood there before another as still as status. It was never fear that froze me, I could never quite recall what I felt whenever I found myself standing before the king of these white peaks besides warmth. 

But, if I were to put a name to this warm feeling, it would be…

~#~

I wake up to the clatter of dishes downstairs. Eyes groggy, I instinctively shut them from the morning light that seeped into my blue and white room. Seeing light mist come out of my mouth I groaned in frustration as I hugged the sheet tighter to my frame.

It was the beginning of January. And even though it was a brand new year the dogged days still dragged in the plummeting chills of December like an empty sledge. Today was the first day back to school… and I honestly could not bring myself to wake up and get ready. 

It's not that I disliked school. On the contrary, my long holiday was uneventful and there were a few faces at school that I would like to meet. It was just the unforgiving cold of this season. No matter what, winter always took with it a piece of me whenever it came along.

Almost a week to the day already, huh? Although my body began to warm and awaken from my slumber, the recollection of the past winters chilled my blood. Wrapping my head over with the bed sheet I curl up into a ball.

With next to no will to prepare for school I decided to not bother. That was until I heard the swift sounds of paw steps landing on my carpet. I groaned in slight annoyance as I knew who it was. With the dim sound of purring, my cat Névé leapt up on my bed as it began pushing its white paws and nose in-between the small heaven that was my bed sheets.

"Névé," I say in annoyance, my voice groggy from sleep.

Névé simply meowed in acknowledgement before continuing to fetch for me from within the sheets. Having enough I leap out of the covers to face the cold room with a giant roar, arms out and sheet flinging over my head. I threaten to tackle Névé only to get no reaction. It just looked up at me with its bright blue eyes and a clean white body of fur. Meowing at me in-between it's purring I slumped my head in defeat.

"The hell happened to your feline instincts anyway?" I rasp tiredly.

Thinking back to the countless times I have done this to him every morning I guess I was one to blame. Reaching for my glasses by my bed, I looked at the digital clock on the small white draw beside me. It was eight thirty-three, my eyes narrowed.

I had my alarm set for eight, meaning that mum had been in here again to turn it off. A slight knot tightened in my gut at this. Dreading the thought of it I distract myself by looking back to Névé. He was still sitting there at the end of my bed looking up at me expectedly.

"So you come here to wake me up in her stead? You want me to go?" I said in a loud bothered tone.

Névé just meowed and pushed itself against my chest whilst purring some more. Shaking my head I gave into Névé's request as I stroked him.

"Fine already! I'll go, but if you keep being all cute about it I might just want to stay." Tickling its tummy, Névé begins to gently play with my hand to my amusement.

After a time Névé jumps off the bed as I stand up to get ready. Occupying itself with a blue ball of yarn it began striking and chasing it around my room. 

Watching him goof around was always the highlight of my mornings. As that recollection dawns on me, a feeling of nostalgia creeps up on me causing me to smile faintly to myself before I grab my towel and head to the bathroom.

~#~

Having bathed, combed, brushed and dressed for the day I walked out of my room to quickly check my uniform in the mirror. It was mostly black attire, all save for the shirt. The shirt was a dark grey and black stripes that might as well be black. Except for the school badge of a white lotus flower that was buttoned to his chest, these school clothes always reminded me of what I wore when going to funerals.

Brushing the thought aside I grabbed my school bag before walking down the hall. That was until I spotted him from the corner of my eye. Névé was sitting right in front of my mother's bright room. The morning rays fell upon the carpet with such vigour that I had to shield my eyes and wait for them to grow accustomed. He was just sitting there on the ground looking out of the curtainless window.

"What is it now Névé? Do you see a pigeon?" Just as I was about to walk towards him something about that moment grabbed me, it was hard to explain. Like I was about to tread upon holy ground. My mother's room suddenly felt like an unreachable place. Like it was there but not there all at once. And as Névé looked up to the blinding light he seemed… at peace.

I just could not bring myself around to distract him. And so, I didn't. Instead of opting to turn the other way and make my way downstairs.

~#~

The smell of warm porridge and hot chocolate welcomed me into the kitchen. My mother greeted me with her smile as she sat herself down on the dining table with her shear of whatever she was serving. Thanking her I walked my way around the table, reached for the bowl and began eating my oats as fast as my mouth could reasonably allow.

"I thought a bear had snuck it's way upstairs," she said. I looked up at her confused until I recalled my roar as I got up out of bed. 

"Sorry," I mumbled. Giving me half an amused smile, mother shook her head. I looked away.

"Well that aside, you're going to be half an hour late," she said over porridge as she blew on them.

"I know," I shrugged, keeping my eyes on my spoon. I made a show of eating. As much as I loved my mother, I didn't really want to talk right now.

Catching onto my intent she slowly puts her spoon down as she gives me a worried look.

"You don't have to force yourself to go to school you know," she said softly.

My throat became dry but I quickly hid it by shaking my head. Taking a gulp of hot chocolate to soothe the pain I continued to eat my oats all the whilst keeping eye contact with her.

"It's fine, I'll get bored here anyway," I thought I brushed it aside well enough. But even so, I found it hard to eat as the knot in my gut tightened. The weight of the bleak world I now live sank in. "When I have nothing to do I'll just be stuck remembering both of them." My eyes fell on my porridge as I mourned the passing of my dad's and my close friend and neighbour Joan. My father passed the year before, Joan last year, both passed in the same cold month.

Joan was the last personal death that I experienced. Nothing felt quite the same ever since. I still remember as if it was yesterday, her silver eyes and long golden hair. Sitting on the stone steps of my garden, Névé happily purring on her lap as she stroked him. I never quite understood it. Maybe it was because she was a girl but Névé always seemed to take more of a liking to her than me, whenever Névé never came home it was a safe bet that he was staying at her's. Honestly, I was kind of jealous.

I once jokingly asked Joan what her deal was. Névé gets all the love and attention he needs from me. Why would my cat go to all that trouble just to visit her? 'What's a garden fence to a greedy cat?' Thinking back on it now there was a mysterious air to her words. A passive but intense gaze as she hugged Névé close to her lap. I was spellbound, I was trying to think up something. 

Something equally clever and witty but my mind was drawing blanks. Just before my mouth was about to stammer out something opposite to clever and witty Joan broke out into fits of laughter. At the time I was grateful for the diversion. Now thought, even if what came out my mouth next was stupid I still wished that I said it. No matter how much time passed I could not think of a perfect reply. From that day until now, that line always got me. It was not Joan's will or mind that was weak, just her heart. Last winter proved too much for one with a weak heart. And ever since then, the winter days, Christmas and the new year's held within it a foreboding sense of dread. Bit by bit, those winter days ate at my heart. It felt as though every winter I was crusted to have misery befall mother and me.

Before I had even noticed it, mother had already walked around the table and took me in her embrace. My heart raced at first, I failed to hide my emotions, I'm making her worry again. Soon after however, I simmered down accepting her warm embrace.

"You're my brave boy," she whispered, the comforting sound of her voice brush my ears. "If things get too hectic for you at school just call me and I will have Ced come pick you up,"

I instinctively pulled out from her embrace before I knew it. A part of me winced at the act but being reminded of my stepfather always ate at me. Realising what she has gone and said my mum Jenefer stepped back.

"I didn't mean it like that, I-I'm sorry it's just that I don't have a car and he-"

"-it's fine," I interrupt, I take out my growing frustration on my bag handle. There were still some oats left in the bowl but I did not feel hungry anymore.

It's not like he's a bad guy or anything. In fact, in his own way he was really kind and considerate... in some ways maybe a bit more so than dad was. Maybe that's the part that gets to me. But what I feel about him doesn't matter. Soloing mum is happy then I can live with it. I hugged her one last time to show that there were no hard feelings before I made my way out of the kitchen.

"I'll be in the library studying after lessons so don't wait for me," I say out loud.

"Carys?" my mother calls, I look back at the kitchen.

"Love you," She flashed me a soft smile, returning one in kind I make for the front door.

Even at the cost of my own happiness, I just wanted to see her happy...

~#~

The headaches crept in about halfway through my first lesson. Despite the throbbing pain and total lack of concentration I persisted on staying at school, hearing my peers rant and rave in the lunch halls, taking part in the snowball fights at break time, laughing at one of my friends' pranks… it all became a blur to me. As the hours stretched on, the head pains only became more dominant. All who caught me rubbing my temples gave me the same advice but kindly refusing I shook it off. They saw that I was in pain, they meant well. But I'd rather be stuck with this burning headache  than be left with the emptiness that followed me from my memories of my father and Joan. Better that than being sober enough to remember all that transpires to me this month.

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As classes came to a close I studied in the local library. Lost in textbooks amid dimly lit books shelves I fell into the monotonous lul of study. Had the library stayed open all day then I could have easily forgotten all about going home and remained lost in the task. But the escape from my struggles couldn't be held back forever. And so, drained and tired I walked back home.

~#~

All the lights were out in the house as I approached, that told me that most likely nobody was in. Just in case I was wrong I called out for Névé, mother and Ced.

No response. 

Perhaps out sorting errands or... 

Pushing aside the thought of my mum on a date I drag my feet into the living room and crash back first on the sofa. Either way mum and stepdad were out. Still, I wished I had Névé here to keep me company. With the cold and head-throbbing day behind me, I drift into the land of dreams.

~#~

The giant snow leopard towered over me, casting a great shadow over me as it's eyes regarded me. Again, I was back in the same dream again. It was like I never left. Just like every time I was strangely calm as his deep eyes studied me. Moments pass in silence. A thousand words passed between us in a twinkle. In that fraction the warm feeling came over me once again. I knew this feeling, I'd given it a name in some other place or time. It was… 

Before I could crystallise the name by uttering, a great big snowball came crashing down in front of me. It was like a magician! The great snow leopard simply rolled the snowball towards me. I felt as though it wanted me to pick it up and throw it but that was impossible… and yet, I was able to do just that. The thing was twice my size and despite that I could do it with relative ease.

Like a cat leapt to strike a ball of yarn, the great snow leopard. Struck the giant snowball sending tones of flaky snow flying in the air and crashing into me. I climbed out of the pale snow in a fit of laughter before another giant snowball appeared before me and we did it all over again. Watching the snow leopard stroking the giant  ball of snow around melted away made the heavy mood I felt. Almost slamming the great ball into me once again I tripped and stumbled down the great snowy slope as the great snow leopard ran after the snowball within the thick forest below.

Finding myself chuckling at its cute antics I chase after it into the woods. Losing sight of him witbing the thick trees I called its name before catching my breath.  Although I felt a lot better, trotting through knee-high snow was tough. 

Spotting him among the thick trees I called for him once more. Relieved to see him I picked up the pace once more until I noticed that something wasn't right. Not daring to look my way he stood perfectly still, its feline instincts sharpened to a razor's edge. Ears pointing onwards like satellite dishes. Remaining idle and holding my breath I could faintly catch the sound of a low grumbled echo though the vast thick woods. Its passing was faint and vast,  like being stuck in the belly of a car's engine. It filled my chest with dread. Doon the sound subsided but I still felt scared. Wanting to get as far away from the dark forest as possible I called the great snow leopard once again which this time to my relief, he responded.

But the moment he turned from the forest to talk back to me did it happen. A gigantic grizzly bear as dark as night crashed into the giant cat from nowhere. It frames dwarfing the great leopard three times over its jaw snapping down like down like lightning. Catching its chest within its mouth the bear shook and yanked on the leopard as if a new chew toy.  I saw blood and saliva splattered upon the virgin snow as he was smashed into a nearby branch. The branch shattered as a chunk of it came pinwheeling towards me and stood upright by my feet making me stagger onto my back. As I rose up I saw the leopard struggling to get back to its feet only for the eighteen foot bulking horror in black fur to tackle the leopard. Like a giant truck crashing into a white kitten the leopard was flung across the snow and into another tree. 

The dreaded thud of flesh and bone rang through my ears as I looked on petrified. The white leopard now dyed in red laid idle, the soft white snow absorbing his life's essence. 

Heart hammering in my chest I watched as my vision became blurry with tears. The impossible sized bear laid its glowing white eyes on me but I hardly noticed. All my mind could possess was the lifeless leopard beyond it. I tried again to call his name but for some reason, it got stuck in my throat. In my effort to call out his name I began to suffocate. I was so stupid, I had been calling his name without thinking up untill now. But now I need to call him. It eludes me.

As the bear makes its part the last of the tree that makes the mouth of the forest towards me my eyes widen as the fear of death sinks. It was only in that hopeless moment that the name came back to me.

"Névé!"

The echoing cry of his name reverbated of the snow capped mountain peaks. The sound of the echos even caused the giant death bear to stop and like upwards. As the echoes of my cry faded the sounds of an approaching avalanche came back, this was followed with a blinding light just beyond the black bear stood. Just above Névé's corpse stood an atrial projection of him, bathed in angelic white It stood proudly before them. Wings blinding wings of light appeared on Névé's back, spanning fifty feet either side they dwarfed the demonic bear making it shrink back and growl.

As the coming avalanche ravaged the forest, as the bear stood there in fear, as Névé had its back to the wall of coming snow like it summoned it. As Névé vanished into that very avalanche only to be flying at its head the black bear branded its savage teeth at the Névé, the avalanche-the world just as the whole world became white and my eyes snapped wide open.

~#~

I see Ced leaning over me,  his hand on my shoulder, eyes held relieved but betrayed an unexplainable darkness . I groaned inwardly. Ced was the last person I wanted to wake up to. Calming my racing heart I try to simmer down.

"Where's mum?" I ask him.

He simply looked over to the living room entrance where she stood. Her frame leaned against the room entrance, a black bin bag held in one hand.

"How was school," she said casually, something about her voice however  sounded forced.

Pushing that aside I shrugged my shoulders and rubbed my still aching head.

"Had the strangest dream," I began. That's when I noticed that things were a bit too quiet, looking up at Ced and mum both it dawned on me that they have been doing nothing but looking at me mournfully this whole time. My blood ran cold.

"W-what's wrong," I stammered.

"I'm sorry sweetie," my mum's voice became hoarse before she started sobbing.

I was about to question it until this dreadful sense of loss washed over me. The dream of the snow leopard Névé and the bear. Getting off the sofa I slowly walk up to her.

"What's in the bag?"

"I promise that I will give him a proper barrel in the back garden," Ced picked up behind me.

"This is some sort of prank, right?" I said. Mother just averted her gaze from me. My eyes water and my throat begins to burn.

"Please mum, this is not the time to be funny." I tried to ask calmly but it came out as a groggy mess. She shook her head.

"It happened so fast," she sobbed whilst falling to her knees, the bag fell on the ground next to me. A bloody white paw peaked its way out of its mouth. The world froze, all emotions fled me, I was completely numb. "When we were coming up the driveway, he just... suddenly ran right in the way, it happened too fast. I'm sorry Carys,"

With my chest tightening I turned to the driver. My eyes burned with a single question, he simply averted his gaze, I may not have known him long but I could tell that perhaps he felt the most guilty out of all. This did not help me. If not him then who was I to blame?

Wiping his palms across his face Ced sighed deeply.

"Seems like every little step of good I make I end up taking another three back, I don't know how I'm going to make this back to you but I swear to you that me and your mum will-"

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't accept it. My mine refused to believe. I was running past the front door before I knew it. With tearful eyes and sobbing breaths filling my ears I ran through the heavy snow, I ran past Ced's black 4X4, I ran past the local roads and downtown neighbourhood in a frenzied blur. 

I kept running, past the main roads making cars skid and honk in protest but I did not care, nothing mattered anymore. Running into the local park on the way to school I did not stop even though there were no street lamps. It was dark. Rubbing tears from my eyes I ran up the path by the frozen pond. My foot lost balance as I stepped on a patch of slippery ice. Toppling sideways I buckled off the path and crashed through the thin sheet of ice that layers itself over the pond. Descending into the cruel and cold abyss I struggled to regain my balance and resurface. Last thing I remember was reaching out for air only to feel a wall blocking my way. A wall that I had no strength to overcome. Body already starving for air after running. My body simply became as numb as my mind as everything faded from view.

~#~

I wake up back at the foot of the pure white slopes of the great mountain. All was white as far as the eye could see, all save for the corps of the great black bear laying in a ton of snow just ahead of me. The great snow leopard... Névé's body also lay bloodied and broken right near it. 

"Névé!" Struggling over to him through the snow to fall upon the corps of Névé as I sob.

Although I could not explain it but I knew, I had always known each and every time I awoke here that there was a connection. The reason why I had no fear in his presence, now kneeling over his cross I strop down and cry. 

That when I felt the warm presence apart before me. Looking up my eyes to strain under the shining glowing before me. As the intensity of the light dimmed I then made out Névé's spirit standing before me and his corpse. Still bathed in light he looked down at me as I climbed over his corpse and ran towards him, as I tried to reach him however, the distance us stretched further and further away.

Névé's spirit turned around then, making its way up the mountain, the echoed sounds of devices beeping cane from the sky above. They're distant echoes only grew a world away with each passing second.

Someone was trying to bring me back, was trying to take me away from here, to keep me from reaching Névé. My cries for him only grew more disparate then. I could feel my feet grinding to a halt as each futile step-every effort only pushed me further away. Feeling hopeless I fell to my knees sobbing. 

"Don't go…" I pushed out. Névé did not seem to hear. I reached out for him in a dull desperate attempt to touch him. It was like a bad joke, all my life a bad joke. Wherever I went there was always some barrier blocking my path. Some walls I could to climb, some connections I could not keep. I had enough, enough of pretending to be alright, enough of being worried for. Enough of the tiptoeing and the apologies, enough of worrying about who else I might lose next winter. I had enough. My mind was made up. Reaching out with those emotions by hand touched upon something unseen by my naked eye. Although I should not see it I knew instinctively what it was. It was a barrier, a wall, the block. It was the thing that separated me from being in the present. It was  the comic force that kept him from all the things that made him happy. It was the wall that Ced, my mum, my friends and the whole world stood on and found the other side of whilst he remained trapped in his own bubble. They all found happiness and content on the other side in the waking world but I… I didn't want to lose anyone anymore.

Before I knew it I stumbled beyond that invisible device. Somehow, I broke free from the cosmic forces that prevented me from following Névé. As I got back onto melt feet I the beep constant echoed beeps sounding from overhead turn into a long monotone flat line before fading forever. All of a sudden I felt stronger in this world-more real. 

Catching up with Névé I call him once again only for him to suddenly turn around and roar at me in anger. Shocked by this I scamper backwards a step before falling onto my back.

Looking up at him as I repeatedly blink out the tears in my eyes, Névé gives me one last solemn look before turning away to walk onwards towards the peak. As soon as his eyes were off mine I found my courage again.

Standing up I call him this time out of anger, a rage that had been building up inside me these past few years of misfortunate winters.

"I'm not going Névé!" I shout. "Take me with you!!"

Névé stopped his advance towards the peerless snow peak making me freeze in place also, gasping for air and having said enough I just roared from my core what it that I wanted for once with no holding back.

"I don't want to live through another winter! If it means I have to face losing you! If it means that I have to keep being reminded that I lost my dad... if it means that I have to face the fact that I lost Joan then, I'd rather be with you than go anywhere else!... please..."

Névé just looked back at me as I sobbed, my tears hitting the snow. Bowing my head I knew what he was thinking and he was right.

"Mum will be fine, she has Ced. He's a good man... I'll just get in the way." I sighed.  "There is nothing left for me back there. So please, don't leave me behind too."

"Do you truly mean that?" a voice, a girl's voice. One so crip and nostalgic that I snapped my head up  instantly to look. To my complete shock stood Joan, wearing a pure white one-piece dress in this pure frozen landscape there was an otherworldly glow about her as she stood beside Névé and began pating his head. Never once did her silver eyes look away from me as she did so. 

"Do you truly wish to forever stand on the precipice of both worlds? Being a guest on either side but finding a home in none?"

I hardly understood what she was saying but that hardly mattered. Looking at her now left me with nothing but tears of content running down my face. Remembering something a long time ago I wiped my eyes before looking back at her with a smile.

"What is a garden fence to a greedy cat?" I said. That line caught her off guard as she stood there looking wide-eyed at me. Soon however Joan shook her head and gave me a content smile. A human smile. I tear ran down her cheek as she closed them.

"Carys you idiot," she rasped, the sound of relief in her voice betrayed her words however.