Sitting on the wooden floor with my legs crossed and hands sitting together in my lap, my eyes closed as searched for my qi. I can feel my face scrunch together as I put all my effort into feeling for the mysterious power in me. Sweat beads on my face as I begin to reach my limit. Finally, not being able to handle it any longer, I give up. Unfolding my legs, I place my hands behind me to lean on.
“So, did you feel it yet Ezra?” I hear my dad ask.
“No.” I reply, unsure what I am even supposed to be feeling. “I just don’t get it. It feels like it has been forever since I started meditating, but I still don’t feel anything. What if I never do? What if I don’t have any qi?” I ask as my fear takes control
“It is fine dear.” Mom says from across the room, she is cleaning the plates before dinner.” For some people, it just takes them longer to be able to sense their qi than for others. Your qi’s in you, you just got to find it.” She looks back at me, clearing feeling my concerns.
“Your mom’s right son. I have never heard of anyone without qi and that’s not even mentioning that I can feel your qi. Same as I can feel your mothers. Just as she can feel ours.” Dad says as he walks towards me. “You just need to take your time. There is no rush, you are only five. Most kids don’t start meditating until they are a few years older anyway.”
Despite their words, I can feel my fear still creeping higher. “But dad, mom breakthrough to rank three was weeks ago. I don’t want you two to leave me.” I say, wrapping my arms around my legs as I begin to weep.
I can feel dad hugging me as he begins talking. “Oh, son, your mother and I would never leave you behind. You can take all the time you need to catch up with us. We still have a long time before we have to leave, it won’t be until long after you are an adult that we will all make the trip together.”
I hear footsteps as mom walks over to hug me. “Ezra baby. There is no need for you to worry. Your dad and I won’t leave until you are ready to go with us.”
We sit together like that for several minutes as I calm down. Seeming to sense when I was finally calm again, mom begins. “Okay boys, dinner is almost ready. Ezra go wash up before we eat.”
“Yea, you are sweaty from meditating. Even I got we while hugging you.” I can see dad’s typical ‘I’m teasing you’ smile begin to form on his face before switching to one of pain as mom pinches him and he hollers. “Ow.”
"Now, hurry along Ezra." Mom says as she pushes me towards the back door.
❖
Rubbing my arm, I watch as Ezra leaves to wash up outside. “I knew he had been pushing himself since I ranked up but I didn’t realize he was so worried about us leaving.” Mei says once Ezra is out of earshot.
“He’ll be fine Mei,” I start, remembering my own childhood fear of my parents disappearing. “It is normal for kids his age to be afraid of their parents disappearing. We are all that he has right now, he will grow to understand.”
“Thomas, most kids don’t also have to deal with a man dropping out of the sky to invite their parents to another continent full of dangers they can’t even imagine.” Mei says, and she has a good point. We had explained as best we could to Ezra after Mr. Zhu left, but he is too young to understand what the man’s offer really meant.
“Mr. Zhu won’t be back to pick us up for at least another decade. And by the time he does, Ezra will be rank 1 or at least near it himself. He will understand that it is safer for him to stay here than go with us.” I say, trying to figure out what really has her upset.
“But will we be fine with abandoning our son to go off and being servants for some man we barely know? And even if we don’t I don’t like lying to him that we may not always be here for him.” Mei’s eyes begin to water, so I wrap her in another hug.
"Everything will be fine honey. We have plenty of time to explain it to Ezra when he is a bit older and can understand it better. He is just too young to understand it now." I say in an attempt to console my wife.
“I know you are right but it still doesn’t sit right with me.” She says as she begins to bury her head in my chest.
As Mei begins to calm down, I think about the last time we were this intimate. We, of course, celebrated her breakthrough but our unexpected visiter had a somewhat sobering effect on the night. Thinking that perhaps we could pick up where we had left off and I had done a pretty great job comforting my family today. I take a shot.
“You know, I am a pretty great husband. This is the second time today that I have comforted my family. Maybe tonight you could comfort…” And that is as far as I got, as Mei’s quick punch catches me in the stomach. With our near equal strength, she could have easily punched me through the wall. But I am left simple coughing as the air is pushed out of my mouth.
“You better go clean up too,” Mei says as she saunters towards the cooking pot. “Oh, great husband of mine. I think you got some of Ezra’s sweat on you.” Trying to compliment myself was definitely the wrong idea, she is not going to let this go for weeks.
❖
After dinner, I head straight to my room. Despite weeks of daily meditation with dad, I am still no closer to finding my qi. I have to hurry up and find it. Mom and dad already have a huge lead on me and I need to catch up before they leave me. And the only way I can do that is to work harder.
Going over to my bed, I take the blanket off and fold it a few times, until I have a square about the same size as me. I sit it on the floor and then I sit on it. Not much cushion but still better than sitting on the cold floor. Getting into lotus position, legs on top of each other and arms resting in my lap.
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I close my eyes and try to clear my thoughts. Not to think of nothing but to think on nothing in particular. Once I feel that I have relaxed enough, I try to shift my focus from what I can feel, to what I can sense. But how do I know if I am doing it right? According to dad, I need to 'look' inside myself to find my qi. But I don't sense anything, all I 'sense' is darkness. Which I am pretty sure is just my eyelids.
Pushing my concentration further is less than helpful. Not only do I feel like I am not getting closer to sensing my qi, I feel like I am going in the opposite direction. Plus it is really hard to keep doing and I get all sweaty.
Opening my eyes, I get up and pace around the room for a bit. It seems to me, that I need to try something new if I am ever going to be able to do this. But what else can I do? It is like the harder I look for my qi, the less likely I am to find it. Wait, maybe that is my answer. If searching doesn’t work, maybe I should just sit and wait for it to come to me. Like with chasing a cat, you will never catch it if you run after it. Only by waiting motionless can you catch the cat. When it comes to you on its own.
Sitting back down in lotus position, I close my eyes and try to relax again. But this time, I just keep relaxing. I still try to 'sense' as dad told me. But instead of trying to move that sense around, I just keep it where it is. While this is less work than trying to move the vague feeling I get when meditating around, it is also much more boring. But I have to keep at it unless I think of something else, this feels like my only chance to find my qi.
With my eyes close and not focusing on the world around me, I find it hard to tell how long I have been at this. It could have been less than a minute, or as many as ten. Hard to say. All I know is that if it doesn’t come soon, I am going to… And that is when I felt it.
Like seeing a speck going across your vision, I feel that if I don't keep my focus on it, it will disappear. It is hard to describe what it is. I feel like I can see it but my eyes are shut, so that is not right. But I call feel like I can feel it even though it is not touching me. It has a similar feel to how I 'sense' in this area. As if it is a part of me even if it is not part of my body.
I move my sense closer to it but instead of getting closer, it moves with me. Keeping the same distance. Thinking of it like a cat again, I try to put my hand out. Forgetting that I don’t have a hand, instead just trying to give the feeling that I am friendly. But this also does not work. Focusing on the feeling that it is already a part of me, I just will it towards myself. And like moving a body part I never knew I had, moves towards me.
Finally, it touches the vague shape that is me and we become one. Opening my eyes, I can still feel it. I notice that I can also still ‘sense’ even though I am no longer meditating.
“You did it!” A man yells and I feel as though I jump out of my skin.
"Oh sorry. Didn't mean to scare you." Dad says from beside me. As he seems to have made it into my room while I was meditating without me noticing. "I was just happy that I shouted without telling you I was here first."
❖
Once I had calmed down from dad nearly scaring me to death, we moved back into the open area of the house where mom was already waiting to give me in a hug.
"Good job Ezra." She said to me when we walked in. "It takes a lot of work for someone your age to find their qi. And you showed that by trying in your room by yourself." I could feel my cheeks heating up, being complimented on finding my qi is one thing. But for mom to also mention how hard I was trying, embarrassed me. Then she continued, "Now don't do it again."
Her saying that made me freeze in place, "But mom… why? Do you not want me to cultivate?" This causes her to rub the top of my head and give me a small smile.
"No honey that's not it. But cultivating, close to what you were doing while meditating, is dangerous and you could hurt yourself if you do it wrong." Learning that I could have hurt myself while meditating has an even bigger effect on me than when mom told me to stop.
"But then why did you and dad let me meditate before?" I ask. If it was so dangerous, why did they let me do it before? I mean, just earlier today dad was in here watching me do it. Ah, that's it. "It's because you guys were always watching me."
“Yes.” Dad answers. “And also before you learn to separate your qi from the nature qi, it really isn’t that dangerous. That is why I didn’t stop you when I found you in your room but just kept watching.”
"Your dad is right. It wasn't that dangerous what you did." And with mom saying that I feel relieved that I didn't almost hurt myself. "But from now on it can be." Then I am right back to where I was.
“If it is so dangerous, why does anyone cultivate?” I ask, trying to find a reason anyone would take a risk. If every time they do it they could hurt themselves.
“Power. Money. Ladies.” Dad answers immediately.
“Ladies?” I start from mom to cut me off.
"We can talk about that when you are older. For now, it is important for you to know why it is dangerous and what your options are. But first, let's sit down at the table." We all go to sit at the table. Looking at it, I see that all the plates from dinner are long gone. Looking to the door, I see it is dark out. Which is not surprising being that it was already approaching sunset when we ate dinner but I can tell it is darker than it should be.
“It got dark quick outside.” I say.
“Not really,” Dad says, “you were meditating for nearly an hour.”
For the third time tonight I am frozen. “An hour?” I ask.
“Yes.” He replies. “I did not pay too much attention to the time as I was watching you but it was near an hour. At the very least forty-five minutes.”
“How?” I ask, simply amazed by how much time had passed.
"Losing track of time is while meditating is extremely common when starting out." Dad says, "It is one of the many things that you are going to have to work on now that you have separated your qi. There is a lot you need to know before you can really start cultivating though."
“But first we need you to know that you can’t cultivate without us there to watch you, at least for now.” Mom says. “It really can be dangerous if you do it wrong.”
"Okay, then how do I do it right?" I ask. Mom looks to dad and they seem to be talking without saying a word. Finally finishing their silent conversation, mom starts talking.
“Before we can explain that, you need to know what qi is, what it does, and what cultivating is.” This should be easy, I think, I already know all that.
"I already know all that. Qi is energy that is found in everything in the world, it strengthens whatever it is in, and cultivating is just collecting qi. That is why you and dad are so strong." And they really are strong. Dad farms an entire field outside the city by himself, that would normally take dozens of people to do it. But dad does it by himself, every day. And I have seen mom single-handedly stop a run-away cart while in the market.
"Those are only the broadest strokes. You're not wrong but you are also not completely right." Dad says. "Qi is energy, that is right. But it can also be so much more than that. Qi shapes the world in ways that I can't explain. It seems to move in a natural order while also being nature order's controlling force. And while it does in the broadest sense strengthen stuff, it can also make stuff more flexible. It also goes beyond just the toughness of something. Ice can be colder and fire can be hotter with it. Cultivation is also a lot more than just collecting qi. It is about refining to body, mind, and spirit through the use of qi.
“Okay, dear. That is enough for now. I think that is too much for Ezra to understand already.” She says pointing at my face. Which I assume to have the look of a complete lack of understanding. “I wanted to talk about other stuff tonight but it seems your dad got a bit carried away. So for tonight just go to bed while thinking about what your dad said. And remember, do not cultivate unless we say okay. Good night honey.”
"Sorry, dear." Dad says, "And good night Ezra." Without saying anything myself, I get up from my chair and go towards my room. My mind still trying to work through what dad said. Qi is a lot different than I thought. I get in bed, drifting off thinking about it despite all the new information I got today. I need also finally find my qi.