Emily looked happy, she went through her day with a smile. Everyone said she was the most bubbly person they knew, nothing could tear her down.

It’s not that she wasn’t happy because she had her moments where it was peaceful and everything seemed to fit. These moments were rare, and as time passed they became more so. Everyday she fought, she wouldn’t be a statistic. She put her smile on and didn’t let anyone take it off.

She was studying human psychology. She thought maybe, just maybe, if she could make it through the day she could crash on her couch in her cramped dorm and everything would be okay. That everything she put herself through would be worth it. Just one more day, one more lesson, one more note. She counted the minutes until she could get to her dorm and be alone. She doesn’t remember much from her childhood or really anything from grade 9 down, it was a coping mechanism.

After her class was over she quickly left to get to her dorm. Emily took a different path to her dorm today, she never went to the park. Today something told her to go and walk around, she never felt so passionately about doing anything as she did right now. Shortly after she got there she knew why. It seemed perfect there, her eyes started to water but she didn’t care. The world glistened from her view, behind the tears, she was in her mind doing her best to hold onto reality and her sense of self when she nearly walked into a group of people. Instantly she covered her face with her hair. She wiped her eyes and covered up the motion by moving her hair out of the way. Looking up at the group she forced a smile, she wasn’t in the mood to deal with people today. She was tired but not in the sense that she needed sleep. She was emotionally and mentally exhausted from holding herself together. What she needed was to let her emotions out but she couldn’t do that at the epicentre of social interactions at her university. She attempted a polite “excuse me” to get around them but the other students started to talk to her before she could.

“Hey, it’s Emily? Right?” The girl in the center of the group said, how did she know my name. Emily thought.

She gave a quick nod not having the courage to say a word.

“I’m Angelica, we're in the same psych class” the girl continued, now having a name. Emily was in awe of her. How does someone just talk to anyone they want. Emily was a very bright girl. Top student in her course yet she still struggled with everyday interactions.

Emily nodded her head again, knowing she couldn’t just keep nodding her head, she had to say something. Anything but her mind was blanking.

“Well it's nice to see you outside the classroom” Angelica seemed genuine in her words, but Emily just wanted to get to her dorm.

“Yep” is all Emily had the strength to say, she glanced at the other people in the group, her anxiety making her vision flutter. She felt light headed and she knew what was coming next,

“I have to go” she said quickly then started to sprint away from the other students but Angelica caught her hand, making Emily come to a halt, her grip was tight.

“Hey, are you okay?” She asked Emily, “you just went all wobbly then sprinted off- ommygosh-“

I knew I shouldn’t have taken this path today. I just wanted to see the beauty of it, I needed to see the beauty of it. The sun was setting and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky; the sun made pinks and purples dance across the sky. It was cool out but the serenity of the trees and the smell of the fresh cut grass overwhelmed the temperature. Emily crashed to the ground, she was overloaded with scents and visuals then the encounter with all those people was too much. She knew she had to go, why did Angelica hold her there. Emily thought as reality slipped from her grasp. The world went dark while the sound of chaos surrounded her, she could hear people screaming for help but the one voice that stuck out was Angelicas, she was right in her face, telling her she'll be okay, somewhere in Emily’s subconscious she knew she was not. The terror in Angelica's voice was nowhere to be found, like this was completely normal. “I’m here, I’m here” she said over and over in the most soothing voice she could find. The worst thing she could do was panic like the others, she yelled over to one student to call 911, the student snapped out of it and pulled a phone out to dial, Angelica's attention was back on Emily “just breathe, we-“ she stopped herself, she figured this situation had something to do with the number of people around,”I am getting you help, you can do this. It’s going to be okay”

This is when the world stopped as Emily's breathing slowed.

The park was gone, the silence was deafening.

Emily looked down and she saw herself, she wore an elegant white dress that flowed out behind her. It had lace sleeves that went up her neck, the lace had flowers and swirls in it. The dress traced her deathly thin wrists and embraced her jutting collar bones. The dress fit her body perfectly, wrapping around her in a hug. She looked up from her dress and saw a large room. It was dark everywhere but where she was; she seemed to be under a spotlight. Something urged her to explore the vast cavern she was in. As she walked forward a path lit up in front of her not knowing where she was going she followed it. Eventually she reached a wall, on it there were paintings and pictures. Not just any old paintings, they were memories from her life, things she had seen and things she had experienced. They were in gold frames hung on the dark wall, she reached her hand out toward the wall but recoiled in pain. Not in her hand but in her heart, when she touched the wall she pushed a little and it felt like someone was pushing her heart out of her chest. Thinking it was a coincidence she reached her hand out again, in the same way she had before. The pain in her chest was back. Taking a step away from the wall she looked back at the picture, she saw herself surrounded by a bunch of people. One that looked familiar was bent over her body that was sprawled on the floor.

“Hello” a voice came from behind her that made her physically jump away from the painting. Emily spun around only to be greeted by the darkness around her.

“who are you? Emily called to the voice.

“I’m you” the voice said, making Emily jump— again. It sounded closer this time still behind her. She whipped her head around in hopes of seeing who the voice was, still there was darkness.

She looked back at the photo more closely this time. It’s the last thing she saw before she woke up here.

A new path lit up, she followed it along the wall. As she walked she talked to the voice she had heard. Asking questions. Though the voice didn’t respond she continued to talk in hopes that, maybe, just maybe the voice would come back.

“What is this place?” “What happened to me?” “Who are you?” She kept asking. She kept walking. Thinking she should have been somewhere by now she takes a glance behind her. She had only moved a couple steps. Confused, she started running. Even though she felt like she was moving it was like she was on a treadmill. Going places but never really moving. Stopping she looked at the wall beside her. It showed Emily in class. She had her head down focusing on her notes. She didn’t look happy in the slightest. Actually she didn’t look like she was fully there. Emily was in black and white while the world around her had colours beyond the rainbow. Colours with excitement and adventure. While She was stuck in dull, boring colours. Covered in greys and whites.

In a last hope she asks one final question to the voice “why?”

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Finally the voice answered “firstly you thought you were. And secondly you wouldn’t let the world—in this case the colours— in. You built walls that not even emotions could get through.”

This was a new perspective, she'd never seen it this way. She only knew the world as cold, colourless and bland. Who was this voice. Emily thought

“But if the world was like this,” Emily says pointing to the photo “then why didn’t I see like this?”

The voice said what i was thinking in my heart “because you didn’t want to”

Only then did it click for Emily. She had known all along who this voice was but she didn’t want to see it.

“I’m you” the voice said, emerging from the darkness and it was. It was her but it wasn’t. It was her younger self, the self she had forgotten all about. Emily couldn’t believe her eyes. The girl was about 7 years old, she smiled like she had just seen a puppy. Only she was looking at the world. The colour, the emotions, they were all there. It was the time before Emily was hurt by the world. The time before she built her walls. In that moment she knew that she could be that girl again. That she could have that joy in her heart.

The room shook, Emily fell to her knees and the ground moved beneath her. It felt like an earthquake. The first painting she had seen was bouncing around on the wall, her eyes going in and out of focus Emily dashed towards it. She dove just as an electric current moved through the room knocking the painting off the wall and she caught it. She sat up and studied the painting. It had changed, there were more people gathered around her body on the ground. There was a paramedic doing CPR on her and another with a defibrillator. It seemed larger on the wall, now it was only about the size of her head

“Where am I!” Demanded Emily to the little girl

“You are on the ground in the park at your university, you are being helped by paramedics.” Little Emily said sadly, “you are surrounded by people who are worried about you.”

With hesitation she asks “am… I alive?”

She didn’t respond with what Emily wanted. Though she wasn’t sure what she wanted. “Both”

“Great, I’m Schrödingers person.” Shesaid sarcastically, lashing out at the girl. The confusion turning to anger

Little Emily pointed behind her. She looked over her shoulder and could see glowing cracks on the wall by the painting, the light gave her a new sense of hope. Dashing towards the wall where the second painting was she reached out at the wall. prepared for the pain. When her hand was firmly on the wall she realized she didn’t feel that intense pain, it just stung her chest a bit. Removing her hand she looked at the painting once more, the colour was starting to seep into Emily, the excitement was breaking its way through the numbness.

More of the path lit up creating a full circle around the room, it was smaller than she had previously anticipated. The last thing she was to see in the room wasn’t like the others, it was dirty and dull. Dust piled up on the frame, which was a gross yellow-green colour. It wasn’t a painting either, it was a video. She watched as the scene became clear. It was something she never wanted to see again, a memory she wished she never had. A day where everything changed. It was the first day of 7th grade, and not so little Emily was waking up from her slumber. That night she had picked her clothes and laid them on her dresser for the morning. She was excited and couldn’t wait. She dreamt of the school day and how it might go, when she woke up she was ready for anything. Anything but the news she would receive at breakfast with her mom and dad. As she walked to the table where her mom had prepared an omelette and some orange juice for her dad. She could feel the tension in the air.

“We need to talk” is all her father said and her mind went racing, what could i have done? Am i in trouble..

Slowly she asked “why”

“Your father and I made a decision about, well, you.” Emily's mother said solemnly

“I can’t support you and your mother on my paycheck.” He was angry

“What your father is trying to say is” her mom's eye filled with tears, “we have to.. give you back.” She ran over to Emily and wrapped her in a hug

“You were adopted, but now we don't want you” her father said

This shattered her, wrenching herself away from her mother. Bewildered that they could do this to her, like she was an unwanted pet that could be tossed to the curb, that was tossed to the curb. Running back to her room in hope it was just a bed dream she packed her things, everything she could fit in her backpack.

Thinking if they wanted to get rid of her they could have to clean this up, in a flurry of emotions and hatred she trashed her room. Throwing things around, tearing the wallpaper on the walls, ripping pillows and stuffed animals open. Only when she was gasping for breath did she stop, she looked at her work with a smug grin. When she left the room she looked at her mother and her father waiting by the door.

“Let’s go!” Her father said suppressing his frustration. He must know what she had been doing.

Her mother mouthed the words “I’m sorry” as Emily put her shoes on. They drove for hours until they were in a large city. Emily sat turned away from her parents in the car, not looking at them once. She watched the people and the building fly by. Nothing mattered. Nothing felt real. Emily still hoped to wake up in her nice warm bed and have a good first day of school. Her hope slowly faded as they approached the orphanage. The car stopped and she got out. It looked old and run down. The fence was barely standing upright and there was no grass in sight. As she took in this massive building children started piling up at the windows to see her. Her heart pounded in her chest. She’s never seen so many people, her old life had been secluded and her entire school had been no more than 100 kids.

She didn’t dare look at her mother again as she walked up the broken stairs to the door. She stopped at the entrance but only to glare at her father. Knocking slowly on the door she could hear her mother crying.

Why was she letting me do this? Why didn’t my father want me? The two questions she never, ever, got the answer for.

An old lady opened the creaky door,

“Hello Emily” the old lady said, ushering Emily inside slamming the door behind them.

“I'll show you to your room. do not leave this room until lunch is called. Understand me? “ the old lady said with a sternness that shook Emily to the core.

“Yes mam” Emily squeaked out

Emily was hurried along a dark hallway and pushed into a crowded room. The girls ranged in age from 2 to 17, there were more girls in this one room then Emily had ever seen before. There was an empty bed by the far wall where Emily put her stuff. The old lady held out her hand and Emily went for a handshake.

“STUPID GIRL!” the old lady yelled, “Give. me. your. things.”

“But why?” Emily asked confused “they’re mine”

“Because here you don't own anything,” this sent shivers down Emily back, like it meant more than just the things she brought with her, like it meant her.

As the mean old lady left with Emily's bag, she counted the number of people in the room. 62 girls, all staring directly at her. The room was large but was very unkempt. The toddlers screamed but the rest were silent. They slowly approached her and attacked Emily with questions.

Emily couldn’t look at the video any longer, it was too much. The people, the noise, the memorys. She needed to get out. Get back to her body.

“Get me out of here”

“Where did you want to go?” Little Emily asked “you didn’t finish the memory”

“I don't want to see it” she said

“But you only saw the bad,” little Emily defended “there’s still good”

“No there isn’t” Emily said, not completely sure anymore.

“Not everyone is like your parents” little Emily said “you have to let people in”

Those were the final words that broke Emily's walls. The room shook and all the darkness faded away leaving only light.

“It’s in your heart, where you find the good in life” little Emily said as she faded away.

The sounds of beeping and oxygen pumps filled the room. A cry of excitement burst into Emily's ears, Angelica rushed to her side.

“You’re alive!” she cried.

“Where am I?” Emily asked in a slur.

“The hospital, you had a heart attack.” Angelica said finally