I am a monster. A real monster.

Well, I'm alive, I'm not in pain, I'm not blind or deaf, I can talk and I have my head! Now I'm an evil dragon and I couldn't even work as a nice dragon clown. Maybe in a circus? But it's going to be crowded. My wallet! Yes, I put 55 Euros for the room and damn it, I'm sick of this life! I rip my shirt when I put it on and I turn my pants into a rag trying to force my way in. I look like a dragon with Hulk panties.

I go to the breakfast buffet and help myself. I take all the ham, cheese and rinse my mouth with the coffee pot and then I empty the orange juice jar. It's running down my sides because I'm not used to it with my new face. Then I see people running. Then I go to the reception and I smash the call bell!

Dring rang the bell with a last sigh. The receptionist arrived and when she saw me she stuttered!

I said "checkup!"

A a aaaaa uun a monster!

I yelled racist! My face!, What's wrong with my face! Almost singing like Johnny!

Your beds are cursed. Look what you did to me!

She's pissing herself!

Hey I'm talking to you. Did I say checkup or should I file a police report for racial slurs?

Yessssssss

And the checkup was done. Well, the car now. Crack, no record... My long neck, it's hard. Well, I open the sunroof to get my head through.

OK that's fine but a motorcycle would be more practical. Yes, a motorcycle, I would look great. Well, let's go home.

Amazon: purchase of bag, tartan kilt, sewing kit. Then I ordered a helmet for biker dogs in XXL size. Cape and here we are.

This night no visit. Finally slept

The Amazon delivery man ran away as soon as he saw me. I caught up with him and he dropped the packages. I waved at him in the mirror to sign for the packages but he accelerated and ripped a mirror off a parked car. I spotted the plate and wrote it down on a piece of paper.

The next day, I received threats from Amazon that I had to keep my dogs and that they wouldn't deliver anymore. I replied that I had the receiving computer and that the hound was me and that I had a deformity on my face that scared him. If they don't deliver anymore, I'll file a complaint for racism against the handicapped and that it will not go over well in the press.

The next day, an agent came to ring the bell and I told him it was open.

Come in, it's open. Then he came in and I closed the door behind him.

AA AA AA Dragon!

Please, don't eat me!

SHUT UP, ASSHOLE!

It's me Mr. Vincent! OK? Yes, I have an ugly face! So what? I haven't eaten anyone yet!

Here's your stuff, and the signed papers! Do you have the rest of my order?

AAHHH AHHHHH!

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RACIST!! EH get a new job if you can't stand the look on your customers face!

Ehh, you're stinking! you've done it! Shit! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE PIG! and don't you dare give me any trouble with the deliveries, ok? otherwise I'll file a complaint for fraud.

Now I have a black leather kilt, matching my skin, a bag for my papers, fingerless gloves and a bandana with a skull.

Unintentionally, I knocked over my terrarium with my tail and my scorpions escaped.

Shit, well, too bad, anyway it doesn't pierce my scales, their sting and moreover I've been immune for ages, considering the number of times I've been stung. At least nobody will go looking for me! What the hell, if someone comes in and has nothing to do with it, let them die!

I go to my office and take some orders and prepare my packages.

If a scorpion gets in, I'll say it was in the truck or on the doorstep and that anyway, it's not the little beast that will eat the big one.

The next day, a fat lady opened a paint can and a scorpion was on it! She got stung on her fat, pudgy fingers and screamed, I'M GOING TO DIE! I've been stung by a big beast. and she threw the open paint can up in the air and the contents spilled onto her perm and into her mouth.

Her finger swelled, but the doctor couldn't figure out which one. They were all big. And then, the venom is the same as that of the ants!

They called me but I said that I don't sell scorpions and that she must have mistaken them for ants. My wife said to me, VINCENT, HELP, THERE IS A HUGE spider mite! The bug was 5m long from foot to foot!

CRUSH IT CRUSH IT!

NO, I don't like it! it didn't do anything to you!

NOOOO.

Stop screaming, it's going to jump on your throat and suck your blood, I answered

No wonder we broke up.

Phone: Harley? Yes, I'd like a fairly tuned bike, yes, a long seat and a very, very long rack to put my tail in!

Salesman: Are you making fun of me?

Vincent: Not at all! I have an important anatomical deformation and I need these modifications, and the bike must support a high load. You need very, very hard shocks absorbers. For the helmet, you will have to come on site with the dog for the measurements.

Ok I will come in person.

AH yes, don't freak out when I arrive. I look like a dragon in person! Here is the proof of transfer to your account to prove that I am not kidding!

Yes yes, Mr. Vincent, see you later.

That evening I went to the dealership and the customers ran away and I blocked the salesman's way!

EH, I asked you not to break up over the phone!

MAIMMMAMMAM MOM!

EH? Asshole, be a man! And above all, don't shit your pants or I'll make you eat it!

I grabbed the asshole by the arm with my fingers/claws around the arm. I was careful not to hurt him.

I throw him on his desk chair

PIPIPIIPTIE, don't eat me!

IF you don't shut up, I won't eat you, but I will make you eat the bike bolt by bolt!

He calmed down!

THE MEASUREMENTS FOR MY HELMET, YOU CAN SEE I HAVE A HEAD PROBLEM!

The man trembled and then resigned himself. He started to take the measurements and then asked, are the horns inside the helmet or outside?

If I'm cold, I'll put scarves around them!

Then I sat down on a motorcycle and he finally understood why I wanted a long luggage rack, otherwise my tail would rub on the rear wheel or drag on the tarmac.

The next day, my bike was ready and I left my car in the shop. The leather was ravaged as if a big dog had sunk its teeth into it.

I hit the road with my HArley Davidson reverse opening jacket and my helmet and bandana.

I looked great. A little too much!

A policeman stopped me for a check.

Sir, your costume is not legal! You can't ride on the road in your Batman outfit. I gave him my papers and I was in order.

The papers are fine, but take off your costume.

Officer, this is my skin, my real skin. Are you a racist?

Obey when you are asked nicely!

Ok, take it off!

Then the officer says I can't find the zipper, I'm going to write you a ticket for trouble!

But I assure you, this is my body, look, I have wings that move and these are my real teeth!

The agent screamed! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhh

He reached for his gun, but my grip had already cut the belt and his holster was in my clutches. I threw his gun away and he ran away.

I went to the nearest police station to get to the bottom of it all and to be left alone!