The larger man’s fist cracked against my lower jaw, snapping my head back fiercely. I saw blackness, and then light, as a migraine wrapped my head like a vice, my eyes catching rays of the sun as I fell.

I hit a puddle of water… At least, I hoped it was water. Pushing myself up, I leaned heavily against the side of the alley. I opened my eyes to the view of people walking by, each glancing my direction, and each turning just as quickly as to not involve themselves.

Humanity sucks.

The smaller man booted me in the stomach and I vomited up on his shoes. I spit to the side, and grinned up at him.

He pulled back with disgust, shaking his foot exaggeratingly. “Disgusting prick.” Leaning down, he hit the opposing side of my jaw.

At least they evened me out.

I wiped blood from my already swollen lips. “Sorry, don’t have any cigs this time. After the last time we met, I bought the patch.” I laughed at my own joke, and heard the raspiness in my own voice which served to undercut me.

“Smug little shit,” the larger man replied as he booted me again. Hard-toe boots too, not shitty Walmart brand. The kick was lazy, not too hard, but more of a warning of the pain yet to come. “Well… come on then. Wallet, phone… whatever you have. We saw you walk outta the shop over there. You’ve gotta have some money.”

“Nah man,” I said. “Just visiting my girl Ruby. She’s a looker eh’. Gotta show up on occasion to handle all these fuck boys that keep hanging out around the place.”

That comment earned me another slug in the cheek.

The smaller man, unintimidated, searched through my pockets. I imagined biting him, but I didn’t have the will to resist. He seized upon the hundred I’d just received, and I reached out, clasping his wrist. “Not a fucking chance,” I growled, not quite sure where this bravery came from. He pulled, slipping my grasp as his buddy pummeled me some more for good measure.

“Look here, crisp and new. Knew you were packin’ somethin’ good. I tell ya,’ you’re the most unlucky little bitch I’ve ever seen.”

I coughed again. “You ain’t wrong.”

“There a problem?” I heard a gruff voice say from the back of the alley. Craning my eyes to look, I saw Ruby in all her dress wearing glory holding a wooden bat. It even had a signature on it, but I couldn’t tell from who. “I see you’re threatening my customer.” She pointed the bat towards me, and then at the skinny man. “Give him back the money or i’ll break your fucking legs.”

I admit, it was strange being so intimidated by a woman with the stoutness of a bear and the body hair to match, but intimidated I was. And, from the looks of it, our would-be thieves were too.

The smaller thief reached in his pocket and pulled a small knife which he unflipped with his index finger. Stepping back a step, his hands shook. “You-you-you really wanna do this?”

Somehow, the man’s nervousness gave me strength as I pushed myself up, still kneeling so as to not give myself away.

“I’ve done three tours little man; if you think a little knife like that’s going to scare me, well…” Ruby took a step forward. “Take your shot.”

Stupidly, the smaller theif lunged forward and Ruby’s bat quickly snapped down on his wrist. His bone snapped so loudly that my teeth clattered at the sound, and a shock went through my spine. The knife went spinning behind a nearby trash can and out of sight.

He stepped back, holding his broken wrist and screaming out. The larger theif strupidly stepped forward, and I, even more stupidly, stood, shooting at him and grabbing him around the waist. I tried lifting him, to slam him on the concrete, but he weighed so much more than me, and I quickly took an elbow to the back of the head for my trouble.

I stepped back, and the large thief threw a wild haymaker. My body reacted on its own as I dodged under it, striking his hand with a knife I wasn’t holding, as if by instinct.

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“Shit…” I muttered as he collided with me, throwing me back against the wall and striking me a few times in the stomach.

He suddenly screamed out as his back went straight as a board. Behind him, Ruby stood, rearing back the bat for a second blow. The large thief stepped aside, holding his hand in front of him defensively. “Please… don’t.”

“Give 'em’ back the money,” Ruby demanded. “And don’t bother my customers again.”

“Here,” the smaller thief said, dropping the hundred, and my wallet into a puddle. “Fuck you, tranny bitch,” he muttered, but fled as quickly as possible as Ruby stepped towards him, bat at the ready. The larger thief was right on his heels.

I slid down the wall, and Ruby held out a hand to me. I waved it off, breathing heavily. Instead, she picked up my stolen items, handing them back to me. “Here,” she said. “I knew you were trouble the moment I saw you.”

“Me!” I exclaimed, but even that was too much to handle. Thinking about it, I added, “Well, you’re right about that. The shitty thing is, this is the second time I’ve been mugged by them. Who gets mugged twice by the same people?”

Ruby laughed. “Not many. Have you thought about carrying?”

I glanced at her. “Have you?”

“Can’t,” she replied. “Felon.”

“And the tours?”

Smiling proudly, she added, “All true.”

I forced myself to stand, leaning against the wall for support. “Well, you’re my hero. No matter what society says about Ex-felons. Now I feel like I owe you.”

Ruby waved off my comment. “Just keep bringing me more stuff—it’s hard for us ‘Ex-felons’ to make it in this world.” She turned to head back inside, but before she did, added, “I saw the way you fought. Interesting… you have some moves. Take the knife for protection, since I took yours. I have a feeling it’ll be useful to you.”

Ruby walked inside, but before she closed the door, I asked, “Ruby! What did you do? To go to jail I mean?” She closed the door, leaving the question unanswered.

I fished around the reeking trash cans for a time before I found the small pocket knife. Sliding it closed, I shoved it in my pocket, and went back towards the apartment thinking of a lie to explain my new injuries to Grant.

***

“Holy shit, Ike,” Grant said, handing me a cigarette.

I looked at it as if it were poison. “Is there anything else in this?”

“You think I'm trying to roofie you?” he replied, scoffing. “No, there’s nothing other than nicotine and cancer. The perfect midday combination. Exactly what you’re looking for.”

“Thanks…” I said, my hands shaking as I held it out to be lit. He pulled out a lighter, struck a fire and I placed the tip in until the cool glow of the cherry reflected in my eyes. I dragged a nice lungful, exhaling all my worries in a trail of smoke. “That's better.”

“And that my friend,” Grant said, standing and walking towards the kitchen, “is the first cigarette I’ve seen you smoke since you’ve been back. Congrats, you’ve been about half a day sober.”

I held my lit cigarette up to him in salute. “Fuck you.”

Grant smiled, pouring ice into two glasses and then a finger of whiskey for each of us. It was dark auburn, and I could smell the slightly sweet aroma even from the living room. He picked up the glasses and the ice clinked inside. Setting my drink down on the coffee table, he brought his own to his lips, taking a small sip.

He let an audible ‘Ah,’ as he pulled the drink from his mouth. “So… What’s next for the indestructible Ike? Chain-smoker extraordinaire, and, perhaps, the unluckiest man I know.”

“Honestly,” I replied, swirling the dark liquor around in the glass. “I don’t know. This’ll sound weird, especially from me… but I think I’ve squandered my life. Call it an epiphany or just a bad fucking day, but I think I’m different now. Changed. I can’t go back to an ordinary life. I’ve gotta do something… something big. Something that’ll put my name in the history books. You know?”

Grant clasped me on the shoulder. “Must have fallen harder than you thought. You definitely have a concussion.”

I slapped his hand away. “Mock if you will, but it’s true. You’ll see.”

“As long as you get me my rent money. If you do that, you’ll be all the hero I could ask for.” Grant downed his glass, setting it down on the coffee table. “And with that, I think I have some studying to do. Let me know about these big machinations of yours before you disappear for a few weeks. Ok?”

I down my own whiskey. “Yeah sure mom, anything else?” He turned, but before Grant could walk back into his room, I stood. “Wait! Here—” I reached in my pocket, pulling out the wet hundred-dollar bill. “Consider that a promise of more to come.”

Grant eyed the money suspiciously before pocketing it. “I’m not even going to ask where you got this, but you reminded me, I’ve got something for you too.” He went into his room and came out a moment later. “I think this is yours.”