Aris closed her eyes and thought of Nilda. That must be the next question.
“Are you the thing that Nilda looked for all her life?” she asked.
Doran cocked his head, green gemstones glowing. “Yes,” he said after a pause. “I seem to be.”
“So you’re the one who did those horrible things to her. She says you experimented on her and gave her strange powers.”
“I changed her solute so she developed innate abilities. I turned into the ability to manipulate rock. It seemed to have served us well,” Doran said. “She was your protector and she protected you.”
“Served us?” Aris’s hands balled into fists. “She died fighting off people trying to kill me!”
“That was the reason she had her powers. To keep you and your brother alive. Before that it was to keep your mother alive long enough to produce you.”
Thoughts swirled in Aris’s head. “You’re telling me you… dictated my existence?” she said incredulously. “You’re making it sound like Nilda had her powers in order for Ral and I to be born.”
“Yes,” Doran said. “I meditated long and hard to scry for this outcome. I gave your governess the tools she needed and it was successful as both you and your brother are still alive. If not for Nilda, both of you would be dead as children.”
“Is that your work as a god?”
Doran snorted. “Your people call me and my siblings gods. Some of my siblings take that very seriously. But none of us are gods.” He pinned her with a green eyed stare. “There are no gods.”
“I would love for you to say that to any Kuvanian or Sekrelli,” Aris said. “Maybe start some sort of holy war. One of them might even punch you in the face. You certainly deserve it.”
“None of us ever claimed to be gods,” Doran shrugged.
“I’m sorry, you just said you influenced my very existence,” Aris shot back. “You’re playing god, even if you’re not a god. At least admit to that.”
“All I am doing is finding a solution to a problem,” Doran said. “A problem that you have surely witnessed.”
“You mean the Gates and the monsters that come with it? Yeah, I’ve seen those,” Aris said sarcastically. “Tell me how the death of my governess is relevant to any of that.”
“It isn’t. It is simply your existence that could be a solution to such a problem. Nilda died for you to continue existing. That is the only way it is relevant.”
“Then how is my existence supposed to fix anything?” Aris asked angrily. “Why can’t you just tell me what to do? Back there in Gendis, you saw what happened. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even kill off all the Unseeing. How the fuck am I suppose to fix the problem?”
“I… don’t know,” Doran said. He sounded almost sorrowful. “My scrying spell only took me so far. I saw you here and so I also came here. I had Tassik help you and keep you alive. But beyond that, my Sight did not reveal anything else.”
Aris was so angry she couldn’t keep still. She didn’t know if she could believe any of it. That this thing caused Nilda to have rock-manipulating powers, that he manifested all of this to happen. And now he claims he doesn’t know what to do!
“Why did all this happen in the first place?” Aris asked. “The Gates. The monsters. Where did it all come from?”
Doran sighed. “My sister… One of the Parts is dreaming. She is angry at the Gaians, angry that they betrayed us. And so she dreams of vengeance and slowly she is opening Gates in the hopes of purging this world of Gaians.”
“One of the Parts wants to kill us?” Aris asked. “What the fuck did we do to her?”
“That is a Secret I am unable to tell you,” Doran said. “It is something Mind has locked away and forbidden us from speaking of. She has the power of speech, you see, even in her dreaming state she could control that among my siblings.”
“So one of the parts is opening Gates. Where do the Unseeing come from?”
Doran’s eyes glowed. “I think you already know the answer to that.”
“I think I do. But I want you to tell me.”
“The Unseeing are Gaians transformed. I do not know why Gaians transform like that with the presence of a Gate. It is something that Mind wants to happen.”
“Then why didn’t I turn into Unseeing?” Aris continued. “Neither did most of the people in Gendis.”
“It is probably because none of you are pure Gaian,” Doran said. “I understand most Caelisians are part Yscian.”
“What about Nilda?” Aris asked. “She’s not Caelisian. She’s Gaian as far as she knew.”
“My adjustments to her Solute seemed to have protected her from transforming,” Doran said. “How exactly, I’m not sure.”
“So evidence points that it is some aspect of a Gaian’s Solute that makes it susceptible to change in the presence of a Gate,” Aris said thoughtfully, mostly to herself. As angry as she was, she recognized what a groundbreaking discovery this was. How the people back at the Academy would drool over this information! Except she had no solid proof over all of this, only Doran’s word - that fact alone put a damper on things. “It would explain why Gates never seem to open in Yscian territory. Why the Yscians never suffered having their villages overrun with Unseeing.”
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It would also point to the idea that Mind, the Part that Doran says is responsible for Gates opening, does not feel the same adversity towards Yscians, only Gaians.
“If this is the case, you created me, a Caelisian, so I have the disposition to take care of Gates,” Aris said.
“I didn’t create you. I encouraged the parameters for your existence, as well as your brother’s.”
“Okay. Fine. Then what do you expect me and my brother to do?”
“I already told you, I don’t know,” Doran said. “My scrying failed to go beyond this point in time.”
“Your scrying saw us here? In this Munna village?”
“Yes. I had a vision of us here, speaking. I had a vision of your anger. But that is all.”
“That’s a shit scrying spell.”
“It covered the lifetime of your governess and the timespan of several decades,” Doran said. “It may have been the limit of my abilities but it was sufficient. It cost me my body. Only time will tell its true value.”
For a long time, Aris tried to digest all of it. If she accepted everything Doran told her at face value, it would mean she existed solely because Doran willed it so. She had an obligation as dictated by a Part to fulfill a particular destiny, just like Nilda. And seeing Nilda die fulfilling her role, it seemed like the Parts (or at least this Part) wasn’t very concerned over her mortality.
If what Doran said was true, was it part of the plan for her parents to die the way they did? Was it the plan for Caelis to cease to be a kingdom? The Part’s eyes glowed again as those questions crossed her mind. Without speaking them aloud, he answered them:
“Yes.”
“If you are a Part, you wouldn’t have let it happen,” Aris said, understanding that he had answered her unspoken questions.
“Why is that?” Doran asked. “Is benevolence required of me? I am not your god, I already told you.”
“So you saw my parents die, you saw all those people die, you scried the downfall of an entire kingdom and you let it happen?”
“Of course I did,” Doran said, to Aris’s horror. “Because it would lead to this moment. Because it would lead to you, the solution.”
“You don’t even know what I’m supposed to do to help you,” Aris said. “And you let all those people die. This is madness. This is stupidity. You can’t be a Part.”
“This is bigger than your parents and Caelis,” Doran moved closer to her, as if trying to make her see the urgency in his words. “This is about every Gaian in this world. This is about your mother’s people. This is about doing the right thing for everybody.”
The right thing? The right thing? Aris was at a loss for words. How could he possibly say that the death of all those people, the death of her family was the right thing? How could he be so confident about something he had no knowledge about?
“I - I feel like I can’t accept this right now.” Aris passed a hand over her face. “I don’t believe you.”
“It matters not what you feel or believe,” the Part said. “It only matters what is.”
The words echoed hollowly in her skull, mixing with her fury on how Doran talked about Nilda and everyone else that ever mattered to her. Like they were the shell of a nut protecting the soft seed inside, readily discarded when they were not needed anymore. Nilda was nothing like that - her parents were nothing like that. They were her family. Caelis was her home.
But was all of that manifested by Doran? None of it mattered in the end, as long as Aris existed. But the Aris in existence didn’t know what to do. So was it all for nothing? Did her failure render the lives of all those who lived for her into nothing?
She felt numb again. It was some terrible, bone deep chill that she shouldn’t feel during this time of the year. She found herself wandering up and down twisted pathways and stairs, trying to make her way back out of the village and to her little hut at the edge of the forest. Her blanket was still there.
Aris wanted her blanket. She wanted to think about Tassik’s warm hand and his calm words. Seed, bloom, moth, worm, cloth. How would he calm her through this numbness? What words would he use to comfort her when she feels like she’s nothing at all, but the product of the whim of a powerful being?
She took a wrong turn and found herself further from her hut than she was earlier. The pathways and interconnecting bridges across twisting winding branches seemed confusing at first glance, but Aris understood that heading towards the general direction would usually bring you where you wanted to go. There were no dead ends, just paths that made you walk longer than you intended. But it seemed like she did choose a path that had no offshoots, no side tracks to adjust where she needed to go and, dazed, she walked down that path until it ended. It brought her to a place she’d never been to before in the village.
It was a small enclosed space, darker than the rest of the village. A single glowing lantern barely lit up the space and the darkness seemed to be of design. Aris thought she could make out several doorways surrounding the space. In the middle were two Munna figures speaking softly to one another in Yscian.
She wanted to slip in Shade form, but knew that if they wanted to, the Munna would be able to see her. So instead she went back to her roots and tried to make her presence less noticeable while staying away from view. After several moments, she realized the two people were Tassik and Nari.
They stood close together and she couldn’t understand a word they were saying. Her stomach turned as she saw Nari reach out and hold Tassik’s hand and he leaned forward to kiss her. One of his hands, the hand he used to hold Aris’s, settled on Nari’s pregnant belly, caressing it lovingly. They kissed for a long time, their limbs holding each other closer.
Shaking, Aris tore herself away silently to return to her place, alone. It only made sense that they were together: how else would Nari know Gaian? Obviously Tassik taught her. Why else would Nari accompany her on trips to the village? It was because she was helping her partner. They were partners because the baby was Tassik’s.
I had Tassik help you and keep you alive. Was Doran the only reason why Tassik even helped her? Was the word of the Part the only reason why Tassik cared?
This is about doing the right thing for everybody. This was what happened with Camaz, with the people back with Gendis. They all want to do the ‘right’ thing when there is no right or wrong. There are only decisions that benefited some and became a detriment to others. People decided on what the ‘right’ thing was and expected her to follow them, then she was cast out and rejected when she didn’t.
Every time she wanted something, it was met with scorn and apathy. Every time she did what she thought was right, she was rewarded with suffering. Every time she cared about someone, they in turn showed they didn’t care one bit.
Was it not enough that she could no longer be a Lunaris? Why did the Great Solvent have to lead her down a path that showed her she could no longer be her own person?
Aris managed to get back to her little house. Her fingers and toes were numb with cold but she couldn’t bring herself to use the blanket folded neatly on her sleeping mat. She sat on the mat for a long time in total silence, but the small room echoed with memories she couldn’t let go.
Close your eyes, little moon.
For once she was grateful Nilda was dead. It meant she didn’t need to hear about how her life was not her own and she was simply a tool for beings that played god. At the same time, it made Aris miss her governess and her brother even more. She missed people who truly, truly cared.