Monkey D. Luffy was having the time of his life. His ship was perfect, and with his rubbery body, he was able to basically crew it himself. The rest of the party just had to focus on not tripping over or bumping into his extended, rubbery limbs. He’d even figured out a clever trick involving the cannonballs, which thankfully, they had a metric ton of. Between Luffy practicing firing them and bouncing them off into the horizon with varying degrees of accuracy, and the partying that came from their metric ton of ale barrels, they made a swift but quite loud journey northwards to the city of Storm Wind.
Stumbledore spent most of their days at sea magically bolted to the ship, as he strove to copy all the scrolls he’d looted from the Hags into his spellbook. Seph and Yaang collaborated to create a small forge on the ship, but it ran into several difficulties, namely, that ships were absolutely terrible for forge work, and they nearly set it on fire with their initial attempt to ignite it. The constant motion of the ocean made hammering any ingots quite difficult, and Yaang had to combine Cadet’s fire and his own metalbending to make the materials they’d acquired into ingots, though Piravia had only had basic ones, like copper and iron.
Alan spent his time speaking with Yol and Cloud, and those three eventually took to practicing their martial moves on the deck, with Yol instructing both of them, as he was quite familiar with all kinds of weapons. Xerex, for his part, had retreated into his room, and for three entire days, meditated upon the nature of the Bag of Magic Beans he’d acquired from the Hags. Not even leaving to eat or relieve himself, the Dragonborn bard had, for some reason, become properly obsessed with divining their true nature, as he sensed their awesome potential, yet despite his best efforts, could not figure out how they worked, or all the things that might happen, were he to plant one. He hadn’t even been able to get them to explode, and after Luffy walked in on him trying to make them do so, he’d finally given up, and tended to the needs of his mortal body.
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When he came back, he found Yaang, his platinum scaled counterpart, eyeing a single bean. With a goofy grin, he called Stumbledore and Xerex over. “I think I have this figured out guys. Stumbledore, conjure a rock or something for me, if you will. Xerex…watch, and learn.” Once the wizard did as he’d asked, he shouted, “Pull!” And with his airbending, launched the bean with ridiculous speed at the magically created rock. The air above the ship detonated, becoming a brief but fiery inferno, and Xerex was just left holding his bean bag, one eye twitching, as he stared in disbelief at Yaang.
Stumbledore interjected before the bard lost his shit, though. “Thanks to my new spell, I can give you essentially infinite beans, Xerex. It’s called Clone Object. I can create exact clones of any object I’ve seen, though magic ones disappear after twenty four hours. If we’re just going to blow up the bean though, that’s fine. We clone a real one, and then launch the cloned bean, and bam! Infinite exploding beans.”
Seph came over, a glint in his eye, after the difficulty with the forge. “Say…Stumbledore, you can clone any object right?” The wizard nodded. “And as long as the object isn’t magical, it doesn’t disappear?” Another nod followed. Seph’s eyes gleamed with greed. “So, say, if we were to clone a barrel, and its contents weren’t magical, it would make an exact copy of said barrel?”
“An entire barrel of something would burn through my energy fairly quickly…but yes, so long as it’s not full of magic items, I could create…probably four barrels of something per day. What, are you thinking of the ale? We could try selling it, but compared to what a port city like Storm Wind gets, it’s probably considered little better than piss water.”
Seph grinned at him. “Or, we cut out the ale entirely, and just clone barrels full of gold coins. Or platinum, if we find any. Astral Diamonds probably wouldn’t work…but gold itself is not inherently magical.”
Yaang frowned. “Seph…that’s…very illegal. Not to mention, each coin has a unique number marking it. And too many added to the circulation would disrupt the economy of any city we try this in. I’m sure Stumbledore isn’t the first Wizard to have this spell, nor are you the first person to think of this idea.”
Seph waved his gauntleted hand, as it hummed with ominous green light in response to its wielder’s avarice. “Who's going to stop us way out here? Besides, ships are legally considered private property, effectively countries unto themselves, under the command of their Captains. In a port city especially, property laws are probably quite strict. And so long as Luffy keeps his dumb mouth shut…we can have you alter the coin’s numbers with your Metalbending. So long as we don’t use too many, and keep the authorities off our ship, we’ll be fine. Infinite gold, for infinite materials, food, drink, whatever the fuck we want, really!”
Yaang crossed his arms, and frowned. Eyes closed, he contemplated the plan, as proposed, one clawed finger tapping on his scales. “I mean…so long as we don’t start spending hundreds of thousands…it’ll probably be fine…the only problem is, we have no idea what the latest printed numbers on the coins are. New ones are minted in Arcadia, and that’s on the other side of the world. If we knew what the current numbers were, we could mark them sufficiently far enough ahead to not worry about coins with the same serial numbers. The only problem is figuring out that number.”
They examined their gold then, pooling it together. Alan and Cloud joined them, after Yol went to bed. Stumbledore cloned him a keg of ale he was going to keep all to himself, which markedly improved his opinion of the wizard, at least for the moment. Luffy was kept similarly inebriated, and Seph had Cadet entertain him by being absolutely adorable. After they pooled their gold, they concluded that the serial numbers were far too variable to accurately guess the current number. That, was when Stumbledore had an idea.
“I have another spell. Scry. I’ve never seen the gold reserve, but technically, all of our gold has, at one point. It all comes from the same place, the heavily fortified palace of Arcadia’s Sun King. With a name, location, and a vague connection…I could probably Scry on it.”
Seph shrugged. “Worth a shot. I’ll lend my magic, too.”
The sword mage and the wizard sat opposite each other then, the only sounds in the calm night the gentle lapping of waves against the ship, and the noises of Cadet rather violently testing just how durable Luffy was. In his inebriated state, he seemed to find the Hell Manticore’s claws ticklish more than painful, and Cadet found a new favorite toy. After a few long minutes, Stumbledore opened his eyes, and was grinning as wide as Seph was.
“I can’t believe they didn’t ward it against Scrying…though, I suppose looking at how the gold is made into coins isn’t really something ne'er do wells can make use of. Until now!” The wizard cackled, and stood with a swirl of his robes. “Given the rate of gold production…the number of major cities on the planet…and the current serial numbers…” He wrote down a number on one of his many pieces of paper. “Yaang, you’ll need to do the next part. Start with this number. They shouldn’t reach it for a solid three decades, and unless someone checks, nobody is likely to even notice.” The serial numbers on each coin were carved into the edges, and oftentimes were worn away over time. This did absolutely nothing to their worth, though Arcadia encouraged people to send such coins back to the city for reprinting, very few people actually did so. Most people of Gaia didn’t even notice their currency had serial numbers. The party had considered just making them illegible, but having ‘faded’ numbers was also a hallmark of fake currency, especially if all of their gold pieces lacked them.
In short order, Yaang had used his bending to levitate their combined wealth before him, alter their serial numbers, and then place them in one of their barrels in a way that allowed for as much space as possible. Platinum pieces, being much rarer and more valuable, simply bore Bahamut’s mark, a stylistic depiction of his head, as proof of their legitimacy and thus were very easy to clone. Fortunately, platinum as a mineral was exceedingly rare, hard to find even for magic users, and even with the Clone Object spell, a spell that was, according to their wizard, also quite rare, hard to find, and rarely reproduced in Scroll form, most people only had access to a small number of them, and they were only worth about ten gold pieces.
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Once the barrel was full, Stumbledore cloned it four times, before he was properly drained, and could no longer cast it. Yaang once again levitated their fortune before him, filling each barrel with future serial numbers, and by midnight, they had five entire barrels worth of gold coins, namely, more gold than they would ever realistically need. What the party did not know, was that gold, especially on the sea, had a unique scent. Even within a barrel, there were creatures whose greed was the stuff of legends that could pinpoint a single coin from miles away, and had great enough swim speeds to reach the object of their avarice rather quickly.
With their fortunes secure and their destination on the horizon, the morally gray parts of the party went to bed. Yaang opted to sleep on the deck, to make sure that when Luffy finally woke up, he didn’t touch the barrels they were keeping within a small hold built into the front end of the ship’s deck. Being a pirate’s ship, this smuggling compartment was ideal for storing such things and keeping them safe and dry on the high seas.
The next morning was beautiful, a perfect day to be on the ocean. Blue skies, calm waves, and a hearty breakfast put everyone in a good mood, and helped Xerex overcome his bean-related exhaustion. He had now gone from obsessing over the bean’s power, to pondering what would happen if he planted one. Seph, for his part, was conceiving of a weapon that could activate a copied bean, and launch it like a bow launched an arrow. Ideally, such a weapon would be able to clone, ignite, and fire the bean, meaning essentially infinite ammo.
After managing to spot man-made fortifications in the mountain chain they were sailing by, and seeing no threats from the sea, they left Luffy on the ship, and ultimately decided to let him in on their gold scheme. He didn’t know the specifics, all he knew was that there were four barrels worth of gold stashed in his hold, which, hilariously, he claimed made him a ‘real pirate’. Content to spend the day fishing and not fighting bandits, he stayed on the ship, while the rest of the party disembarked.
They had Alan, Yol, and Cloud bring up the rear, as Yaang, Seph, Cadet, and Xerex acted as the advance party. They managed to find the fortress, built into a cave system leading into the mountains, and in short order, found the entrance. True to its description, it was a heavily fortified cave entrance. Wooden walls blocked it up from below and above, and sharp barricades lined the outside. Three bandits with modern era crossbows, the quickly reloading kind, sat as the guards to the stronghold.
“I say we plant a bean, and see what happens!” Xerex said in an excited whisper, practically salivating now that they had land upon which to plant a bean.
Seph bonked him on the back of his skull with his gauntleted hand. “Stop spazzing out over your bloody beans, and focus. We need a way to bring down that entrance, and not get swarmed by bandits. Wizard, any thoughts?”
Stumbledore grinned, a look similar to Xerex in his eyes. “Fireball, motherfuckers!” A small orange spark lit in his palm, and Seph closed his hand around it, killing the spell before it could waste magical power.
“Will you idiots focus? Yaang? A little help?”
Yaang, naturally, was absolutely no help.
He had a grin that matched Xerex better than Stumbledore’s. “I say we do both.” He pointed at Stumbledore. “Clone three beans. Prepare le Fireball.” He pointed at Xerex. “Throw le beans.” He pointed at himself. “Guide the beans to the structural weak points of the entryway, the fire ignites them, and then Earthbend the rubble and corpses out of our way!”
Seph pinched his brow, and sighed. “That’s…actually not a terrible plan, honestly…I just wish it involved less beans…” His objections were ignored, as the wizard was already cloning three beans at once, huddled up with Yaang and Xerex.
Seph just groaned, once they were ready. “How do we know when to fire? What’s our signal?”
Just then, they heard the very loud clanking of their paladin and their cleric, chatting in a normal tone with Cloud as they strolled through the mountains on this genuinely gorgeous day. Yaang grinned wider, as he saw one of the guards notice, and start to alert the other two. “Now!”
Xerex threw, and Yaang summoned the air, guiding the beans to their target. Perceptive as they were, the guards noticed, and the trio were close enough to hear them.
“Oi, Jimmy. Is that a focking bean flyin’ towards us?”
“Looks like one, dunnit. Oh, shit, there’s three o’ them. Wait, wots that orange…oh fu-”
The screams of the gate guards were drowned out by four consecutive explosions that rocked the entire mountain chain, and echoed all the way to the coastline. Luffy frowned, as he saw the fish swim away, glared at where the party was, and grumbled as he started moving the ship elsewhere. He had to waste another ration to toss in the sea as bait, but the fish did eventually return.
Back by the gate, the advance party emerged to admire their handiwork, while Yol stomped up behind them, furious. “What the FUCK was that!? Now the entire base knows we’re here.”
Stumbledore smirked at him. “They already heard your plated ass stomping up here, O’ mighty Paladin.” Yol’s mouth sparked with flames, as he considered wasting his fire breath on the wizard.
Seph interjected. “Who cares if they know we’re here. They’re just bandits, guys. They don’t even have a Hell portal. Compared to the Dragon Cult, this will be nothing.”
Cloud piped up then. “They could have a lot worse than a Hell portal vomiting out a few Abishai, Seph. I thought we were going for a stealth approach. You could’ve taken them all out silently, or gathered them together with diplomacy and then killed them. Now they’re all on high alert because their base just exploded four times.”
Seph gave his resurrected friend a dark smirk. “Let them come. They’re only bandits. This will be easy.” He strode confidently into the ruined, but now cleared tunnel. The only real resistance they met, was a locked steel door, and after realizing nobody had lockpicks, or the skills to use them, Seph listened to the Gauntlet of Bane, and just tried punching.
The power of the divine artifact easily knocked the door off its hinges, and the party’s continued. They came across two bandits having a somewhat hurried card game, and almost immediately cut them down. They also freed an old man they’d been torturing and keeping prisoner, but when he heard they were going deeper into the fortress, he left on his own power, after getting some healing.
After punching down several more doors, finding some grappling hooks, gold, and metal bars clearly looted from other people, the party finally found the center of the fortress. And an entire cavern of smelly outlaws, waiting for them. With two ballistas, loaded and ready to fire.
Stumbledore tried going invisible, but the gods of chance chose to help the bandits on the ballistas instead, and a large bolt nearly pinned him to the wall. Furious, Yaang once again dove headfirst into danger, turning into a fiery tornado as he went straight for the large greataxe wielding bandit who’d given the order to fire.
Seph and Cadet leapt into the fray as well, taking on the slightly higher ranked looking bandits, and easily turned them into ash. Alan doubled back from advancing on the ballistas beside Yol, and tended to Stumbledore, who managed to yank out the massive bolt, and then received enough healing to not bleed to death. Once he was healed, the wizard launched an angry Fireball into the bandits around Yaang, who used flames to his advantage.
Yol, meanwhile, bisected another ballista bolt as he simply walked towards them, with murder in his eyes. “They’re just Bandits guys. It’ll be easy, guys. Fucking imbeciles…” Cloud reached his ballista faster, and managed to take out the scum manning it. Right as his partner aimed at him from the other position. Yol had reached it by that point though, and as he did, the air cracked as he Shouted, “Yol! Toor! Shuuuul!” And bathed the bandit and his weapon in dragonfire worthy of being called a breath weapon.
From above, Xerex watched with a bit of envy as he used Scanlan’s Hand to flick beans at Yaang’s opponent’s, and gave him more fire to bend. The bandits the monk had chosen to solo were not so easily killed though, and all three managed to hit him with their axes. Once again, Io’s Avatar found himself in a rough spot, but by this point, Seph and Xerex had caught on to his tendency to leap into danger, and backed him up.
As quickly as the battle began, it ended, with the party violently claiming victory. A few of the bandits tried to run, and Yol walked after them, dispatching them easily. He found a storeroom full of more gold, food, and weapons, but in that moment decided not to reward his greedy ‘team’ further for their lack of tactics and stealth. Using a magic message, he informed the Order of Bahamut that there was a mountain of free loot at the spot he’d messaged from, and very quickly, they responded that someone would be heading over to claim it.
Heading back to the party, Yol said, “There’s nothing but a toilet down there. The bandits are all dead. Now let’s get the fuck out of here.” The party agreed, eager to leave with no one seeming to think that the Paladin of Bahamut would lie to them.
In short order they left the bandit fortress behind, marveling about how strong they were now. Luffy and the ship were intact, and the party boarded easily, setting sail once again for Storm Wind. Seph magically notified Piravia’s mayor of their success, and by the end of the day they had added even more gold to their hoard.
There is, however, a very good reason that pirates bury their stashes on land and only sail with small amounts of gold on the open sea. Especially around Storm Wind.
The next morning, Luffy called out from the captain’s deck, shouting, “Uhh…guys!? There’s like…a giant mountain moving towards us! Very quickly!”
Yol, hearing this, ran up to the starboard side of the ship, and snarled as the others, who were having breakfast on the deck, joined him. The closer the ‘mountain’ came, the further away they realized it was…which meant it’s true size was actually Gargantuan.
“That’s no mountain…” Yol growled, drawing his giant gleaming greatsword.