Ellette stood nervously at the train station tugging down her skirt and cursing Rand's spontaneity. At least the train would be nice. She'd never been on one before. Clothes shopping wasn't too unpleasant. Rand talked her into a simple black sheath dress with a jacket and leather boots to replace her ever-present combat boots. She agreed that it wasn't a bad look on her, and the leggings underneath made her feel that she wasn't going to flash anyone.

Still, she fidgeted and fussed with the hem. She held the backpack defensively against her chest as they stood on the platform watching for the train. She was nervous, she couldn't help it, and there was nothing Rand could say or do to help her relax. He, on the other hand, stood with a small duffle tossed casually at his feet and sipped on a coffee as if boarding a train to travel across the state was something he did every day. Maybe he had at some point in his past.

The train chugged into the station, and she stared at the monstrosity that towered before her. It was so much bigger than she expected. She watched as people loaded their bags into the cargo bays on the lower section of the cars and glanced to Rand. He shook his head and picked up his pack, climbing the steps to board. She followed, taking his lead. They settled into a set of seats with a table between them. The train wasn't very crowded, and they had quite a few hours ahead of them.

"This is perfect," Rand explained. "We can have lunch while we ride, and you can write if you want without bothering with those little pull-down tables."

She nodded, and stared around her, still clutching her bag. Rand stood to load his bag in the overhead and took hers as well. "Relax, Ellette. I'll go get you some coffee, okay?”

The world rolled by with a clickity-clack that set Ellette to conscious dreaming. The sound of the train, the lulling way the world passed by from their high vantage point was more relaxing than she could have imagined. This, this was peace, this was watching the world from a vantage point she could rarely enjoy. It was like her window back at their apartment, but the scene changed so much more rapidly. She loved it.

"I could do this all the time.." she murmured. Rand had settled back into his seat, headphones in place. He surprised her by murmuring his agreement.

"I used to do this as often as I could. Reid loved it. He would just stand there next to the window staring out. Roxie didn't mind either. When they installed the WiFi, it was a perfect family outing."

Ellette smiled sadly at this reference to his family. It was hard to think of him with his wife and child. She'd never meet his son, and his wife, well, that brought out a pang of jealousy. She knew she likely had little to be jealous of, but still, there was a fear that the mention of her brought out. What if she decided she wanted Rand back after all these years. Who could leave him? He was so good to her, how could he have been anything other than perfect to this Roxie he mentioned so rarely?

She sighed and reached out to take his hand, change the subject as best she could. "Thank you, Rand, for this. I don't think I would have ever done this if it wasn't for you."

He laughed and squeezed her fingers, pulling a bud from his ear. "Well, Mother left me a good amount of money. I hated to dip into it. I sort of expected at some point to have another kid, and I wanted to save it for them, but I think you're worth it."

She flushed and looked away from him. She knew he wasn't implying that they should have a child, but still, the thought was there. If he wanted a child, then who with? She pulled her hand away from his and let it settle in her lap, staring down. The prospect of a child in her future, it was hard to imagine. And likely impossible. She was damaged, and not just emotionally. Things from her past would likely keep her from ever having a child. She had never considered it before. After all, how could someone who was so scared ever consider bringing another life into this world? It would be disastrous, not to mention cruel to both of them. She could barely open herself up enough to receive love, how could she possibly give it?

Rand caught the gesture and sat up straighter in his seat, brows furrowed as he studied her. "You know I didn't mean...that. I would never expect that, from you..."

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She nodded and looked out the window. "I know. I know you didn't mean to imply. But... I just. Well, I don't think I could ever have a child. I never considered it..."

"Don't worry about it, Ellette. I didn't mean anything by it. It is just something I can't let go. But after having, and losing... " He stopped, words failing him. "Just... don't worry about it." he gave her a wan smile, clearly uncomfortable.

She couldn't stand it, she'd brought it up. She got up and slipped around the table, sliding into the seat next to him. Taking his hand, she wove her fingers into his. "Holding on... " she laughed sadly. "It's hard to let go of the past." Was all she could manage. There were no words to fill that uncomfortable silence. They'd come so far together, as friends, as a couple, but there were things that would take much much longer. There was a reason for the silence that so often fell between them. Their ability to just let the silence was so much of what held them together.

Rand gazed out the window for a long time, replacing the earbuds and escaping into the world of music that consumed him so much of the time. After a while, he unlaced his fingers from hers and put his arm around her shoulder. She rested her head on his shoulder and realized she could hear his heart. That thump, thump thump, it soothed her in a way she had never imagined it could. She'd spent so much time fearful of the pounding of her own heart, the thump of feet, the sound of another's breath so close to her. Yet with Rand, it was comfort.

She eventually drifted off, despite her effort to keep her eyes on the scenery. So rare was an outing like this, she didn't want to miss a thing. It was safe here, the light of day so bright outside, no moon to draw her away.

She slipped into dream.

She found herself back at the cabin she and Rand had explored the night before. She sat on the edge of the bed in Rand’s room, where they’d spent the majority of their time. The sun was high in the sky, filtering brightly through the windows. She blinked at the unshuttered brilliance of the daylight, dust motes dancing in the breams. The room seemed smaller, lit as it was. Yet Rand wasn’t at his place on the window sill. His guitar case stood open, but the house was silent, except for the chattering of birds and the rustle of the wind through the leaves from outside the open window.

She stood, uncomfortable in this place, so utterly alone. This was not her home, her childhood haunt. It was nothing but a vaguely uncomfortable memory and that sense of ease only grew as she made her way to the hall. The floorboards creaked underfoot, and her passing stirred dust, making the thin light that filtered through the cracks of the shuttered windows come alive with movement.

Surely she wasn’t alone. She wouldn’t have come here on her own. She must have fallen asleep on the bed, Rand was downstairs, she reasoned. He wouldn’t have left her. “Rand?” she called, making her slow progression down the steps. There was no answer.

She went from room to room, just as they had the night before. Each was dimly lit, quiet, and entirely empty. She made her way back to the front room and stood at the doorway, wondering if she should check out in the woods, or by the lake. Then, she heard it, a familiar strumming. Relief flooded her and she smiled. “Rand, where on earth...” She pounded up the stairs, following the sound to his room, only to find it empty. The house was once again quiet.

She settled back on the bed, face in her hands. Then, there it was again. Downstairs, this time, but no, it was a flute now. Out on the porch. She stood and made her way quietly down the stairs. The front door was ajar and she slipped through, sure she’d catch him. But as she stepped out, she found herself once again alone. She turned back to the house, a panic rising.

“Rand, where are you?” she called out, shoving the door wide and making a more frantic sweep of the house. The threads of music seemed to tease her, always just out of reach, faint enough to make her wonder if she heard it at all. “I know you’re here, Rand!” She pounded up the stairs, flinging open the door to his room, sure she’d caught the elusive sound. Yet nothing. The room was empty. She stepped into the center, turning to check each and every corner. “This isn’t funny, Rand!” She cried out, “Rand!”

“I’m here...” his voice was thin and faint. So far away.

“Where are you?” She cried out again. “Rand, I can’t find you!”

“Here...”

Then the world began to shake, she fell to her knees...

“Hey, hey. I’m right here,” the voice was in her ear, a hand on her shoulder, shaking her. Shaking her awake. She gasped, her eyes flying open at the realization. It had been a dream. “Hey, you okay?”

She nodded, sitting up, and rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “I thought I lost you...”

He smiled, sleepily sweet. “Why would you think that?”

She fidgeted in her seat, looking anywhere but at him. She couldn’t meet those eyes, not now with the emotion still raw. “We were at the cabin, and I couldn’t find you...”

He ruffled her hair. “It's nerves, Ellette. Nothing more,” and he returned his gaze out the window. She tried to do the same, but the feeling of unease only seemed to grow.

“I think, I need to get something to eat,” she said, “Or drink, or something. Stretch my legs.”

***