> There's nothing amusing or interesting here. So don't go in expecting something like that. This nothing but the raw and naked reality of my life. And just a reminder, this maybe depressing, so read only if you are in a good mental space (god knows what that is). Some self harm stuff but I promise I am too much of a pussy to do something like that.

MONDAY

I feel pathetic and disgusted with myself.

I am beyond reproach now.

Lowlife. That's what you'd call someone like me.

Fucking never ever will I learn my lesson. 3 years. 3 fucking years of wasted life. Even as I write this I don't feel any semblance of remorse or regret.

My parents shouting at me all day everyday. I hear their lectures and taunts but don't actually listen. I desperately want to get into BITS or that's what I tell myself.

Masturbating all night. Sleeping daily the time when everyone in the house starts their day.

Imprisoned in this treacherous loop of depravity, procrastination and self-blame. I find myself sinking deeper into the abyss.

I find myself looking forward to attending a college that my scummy uncle went to. Who has now successfully destroyed three lives and his own parents don't give a fuck if he lives or dies.

Day-by-day as my parents had forewarned, I find myself resembling him. Although they mentioned this just to scare me off back into discipline, I fear that what they had predicted my come to fruition.

I don't have one single fucking quality in me. There's nothing I love about me. There's nothing to appreciate. All that's left is a husk of my past self. Even as I write this my pitiful self wants to avoid confronting my conscience and just sleep it off.

My brain would then tell me to lay in the bed until my parents go to the bed and then either watch some movies, yt videos and try to pass the time or just start masturbating once again.

Mom although indirectly has asked me multiple times what past life revenge I was taking on her and Dad. She said it again. It hurts so much.  I recall the moment she said that to me maybe it hit me for a moment or two but then I just wanted her to leave so that I could continue reading the erotica I was reading.

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

If I confront her and tell her that I am a bad and unfilial son she would try to deny it but I and her both know that's what she meant. I think after the age of 12 I have become nothing but a burden for my parents.

I had suicidal thoughts many times and I despise myself for it. After burdening and piggybacking my entire teenage, I now had masterfully planned to single-handedly destroy their entire life.

Add to all that fact that I have gained weight and now look like an acne infested fucking hippo. Not applying the medication cream, the melatonin's starting to act up too now.

My father recently lost his job, you'd think that would give some push to start studying and get myself together but I had no actual reaction. Just like before when mom scolded me, it hit me for like a second or two and then I was back to my ways.

What I hope to achieve from writing all this is to change from tomorrow ( hehe~ chuckling with self-depreciation)

That's become my motto. From Tomorrow. I've said this phrase out-loud about a thousand times and probably a million times in my head in the last three years.

Haha~ At least better than the "Next Monday." Yeah that was a thing until last year. I have improved I guess in some ways Hehe~

Back to the topic, I genuinely expect myself to change from tomorrow, I hope so. And maybe I will but only for a few hours or so. I have come to fully recognize myself. I get up at around 4 o'clock and then after a splash of water I head to my desk seriously where I start good. I usually start with a new topic and start watching the lecture generally a one-shot, who am I kidding, its always a one-shot lecture. 

I labor with sheer determination for about 3-4 four hours max. Not getting up at all. Then mom reminds me to take a bath and stuff. I think its a good time to take a break and would go on to complete my daily chores.

Afterwards I'll have breakfast over Youtube, and i'll find myself feeling a bit sleepy so I go to take a short nap and then wake up at 3 pm. Everyone around me is used to me sleeping at this hour so they don't take a liberty to wake me up or rather they are just fed up of them waking me and I not actually waking up.

And finally when I wake up, I have my lunch again over Youtube. After an hour of lunch (yt) I find myself staring at my laptop screen, the one-shot paused, the red seek bar half way colored, and I tell myself that the day's now ruined so...

Let's start from Tomorrow.

And I end up doing that exactly. But you're mistaken if you think this tomorrow is the next day. Tsk tsk tsk. Its the next time, i get the guilt pangs when something reminds me that what I am doing isn't right. And I plan to start the next tomorrow.

See, all this writing and stuff isn't some deep result of self reflection or some noble shit like that. This just one of those guilt phases hitting hard at night.

I 'want' to change. I want to believe I want to change. But the bitter truth is that I am childishly just amending my excuses to avoid working hard. Waiting for a moment of tragedy like in anime which flips a switch inside me.

But however I lie to myself, there were thousands of such moments scattered across the past three years but I remained unfazed. Utterly so.

I feel my existence pointless.

All the dreams and aspirations that me and my family had for myself are now starting to crumble and shatter. And I don't think I can save it.

Not for my family's sake and definitely not for my own sake.

My mind's deeply fucked. I am now nothing but a self-depreciating pathetic pervert lowlife.

And funnily enough...

> I don't see a way out.