Day 3, the last day, the day of the flying head
I woke up to a warm body touching mine and Lidima’s head still on my chest. Like she did last night, she felt almost weightless. It felt nice being touched.
I felt horrible from the withdrawel.
I stared at the top of Lidima’s head. I wanted to caress her hair, but I remembered how it went last time.
Is she breathing? I barely feel any movement from her.
I didn’t want to fly across the room again, so I carefully switched myself with the pillow so she didn’t wake up.
I got up and looked for my phone.
“Oh, I forgot…”
It was hard to spot it in the cash covered apartment.
When I finally found it, I saw a lot of texts from Fatdiva. He was complaining about me not coming in yesterday and leaving early the day before, and told me I better not think about not showing up today.
Yeah right! As if I’ll ever go back to that place again.
Just as I was about to write a two page “Fuck you I’m never coming back I hope you die” text to Fatdiva, the usual daily text from my brother interrupted me.
“bro i’m not sure if you’re in trouble, but please come home. also please! don’t buy any more drugs because he is acting like a—”
I deleted the message after reading two words.
Just the usual blah-blah. I wish he’d stop bothering me. But if I blocked him then he’d probably try to find my new address like last time and show up. Such an annoyance to deal with…
I also saw a text from Luna.
“Hello Ticker. What are you doing today? I’m really bored can you come see me at the library?“
“Hey!” Lidima said from behind.
I turned around and saw Lidima on the bed. In an instant, she was standing in front of my face with a murderous look.
“Last night never happened. Don’t even think about fucking touching me again. Got it?”
“Y-Yeah,” I said.
“Ughhh! I’m booooreeeed,” she said.
“How are you so fresh? Don’t you have withdrawal?”
“Hmph! Don’t dare compare a pure demon to an insect human. Anyway, what’s for entertainment today?”
“Not sure… I’ll come up with something new and exciting. But today we should splurge and eat something delicious. How about… Chinese buffet?”
“What’s that? Sounds delicious!“ Lidima looked excited again.
“It is delicious, you’ll see see…“
Lidima looked around the apartment.
“It’s so messy here. Clean up,“ she said.
I jumped back on the bed stomach first.
“Meh.”
I started scrolling through my phone and playing mini-games.
“I hate it being messy where I sleep,” Lidima said and started picking up the cash.
I didn’t look and continued playing. Then I started hearing paper-crunching sounds.
I looked up.
“What are you doing?! Stop!“
“What?” Lidima looked confused.
I got up and stopped her.
Lidima was tearing up and crushing the cash into balls.
“I don’t know what world you came from, but stop destroying my cash! If you crush it up and rip it it’ll be worthless.“
Lidima had a shocked look on her face.
“Hmph! I’ve only studied human culture a little, but you insects are so hard to comprehend. You have such a weird and impractical and boring society. And your value system is so arbitrary and based around paper.”
“What?!”
I grabbed the ruined cash from her and counted how much she’d destroyed. It was about 10000 kroner.
“Why the hell would you tear it into pieces and form it into balls?“
“Well… the closest thing we have to a value system like you humans is trading Threedebiopem. And that always takes a ball-shape.”
“Threedebiopem? The hell is that?”
“It’s not the official name in Hell, but that’s just what we call it. It’s a combination of 3-D Bio-Programmable-Matter.”
“O-Okay?”
That sounded fascinating and I would have asked more, but I was too hungover and she probably would have replied with the usual, ”stop asking boring questions”.
“Okay, just… I’ll clean it later. I gotta do something first though.”
I went to the bathroom.
I haven’t trained in a week now. I feel horrible but I don’t wanna get ugly.
I hung myself from the pullup-bar attached to the bathroom door and did pullups.
“One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Ehm… what are you looking at?”
Lidima was right behind me, staring.
“Hmph. You humans are such boring, underdeveloped organisms. You need to train and sleep and eat. And your technology is so primitive that everyone meaninglessly has to work every day like slave ants in a nest. Human culture is so inferior…”
“Wait, but you sleep and eat too?” I said.
“Yes, but for pleasure. Not as slavery like you.”
“Oh-oh-kay… why are standing behind me though?”
“M-Move! I have to use the bathroom and wash myself because—”
She stopped herself and looked embarrassed. I got out of the way before she pushed me.
“Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!”
Again, Lidima gave out six cute light and feminine sneezes.
“Why are you sneezing? Do you have a cold or something?” I said.
“Of course not. I’m immune to all disease. When a pure demon sneezes six times in a row it means something… though can’t quite remember it. Must have been boring information… Anyway get out of the way!”
She went into the bathroom and slammed the door.
She’s so cute when she’s like this… Let’s eat some eye candy!
I peeked through the keyhole again.
Huh?
It was completely sealed with something black. I tried pushing it out and even grabbed a knife to tear it loose, but it was mushy and stayed in place. And when I tried to pull it out it would just slither right back into formation.
“God! This sucks!”
I wanted to see her magnificent body again.
In defeat, I went back to doing my calisthenics.
I looked at the cash covered apartment while doing pushups. And looked at the sorrowful stash of ruined cash.
Apropos throwing money out the window… I just got an idea! I know she’ll love this!
I stuffed my pockets with cash from the floor, then went back to training.
While I was doing crunches, Lidima came out of the bathroom.
“Hey, Devil…” I said in an intriguing tone.
She stopped and looked curious.
“What?”
“We’re going shopping!”
Before we left I shuffled through the big magical suitcase and grabbed a salt shaker from it.
“What is that?“ Lidima asked as we were leaving.
“It’s a surprise, ha-ha! Ladies first!” I said as I opened the apartment door for her and we left.
…
Lidima and I were now standing in front of the only mall in this boring, small town.
“Ladies first,” I said as I opened the entrance to the mall.
I saw some strangers giving me weird looks as I held the door open for someone invisible.
I felt embarrassed, but I’d started caring less and less about strangers because Lidima stole all my attention and focus.
I heard my phone buzz again.
“Who’s it now?” Lidima said.
“It’s Luna. She keeps writing me flirty texts and asking me to come see her. She’s been doing it since last night. It’s really annoying.“
“Why not fuck her again?“ Lidima seemed confused.
“Fuck no! She’s boring and ugly,” I said.
And how can I ever go back to that fatty after last night…
“Anyway, this is where we’re going first,” I said. We were in front of the game store.
I grabbed a small cart. I went to the DVD games section.
“No more old games!” I said.
Without even looking at the titles, I grabbed all the new, expensive games for my console and tossed them into the shopping cart.
“Oh, you’ll like this one, Lidima,” I said and showed her the latest version of the multiplayer first-person shooter game she liked playing.
“Oh…” she looked at it intrigued. She was probably already analysing the cover information to develop strategies.
I grabbed a bunch of extra controllers and tossed them into the shopping cart.
“See, now we can play together. I only have one controller at home,“ I said.
“Oh, is that so…”
I walked to the Intendo Flip section.
“What was but a dream is now in reach…”
I grabbed every kind of game I could see.
“Wait, we don’t even have this gaming console, right?” Lidima said.
“You are indeed right, let’s fix that!”
Before heading to the register, I also grabbed some figurines and other gaming merch, because why not.
When I made my request to the employee he looked shocked.
“Ehm… okay, are you sure about this? This’ll all run you up to about… 38.0000 kroner.”
“Wait, throw this in as well,“ I said and grabbed a bunch of gift and membership cards for paying online. Since I only had cash I couldn’t use my credit card without inserting cash into my bank account, and I wasn’t about to explain to the bank where I got all the money from.
With a smug face and without saying a word, I pulled out the cash stuffed in my pockets. I gave Lidima a wink and she looked excited.
Demon or human, girls love shopping.
Lidima and I left the shop with me holding six big bags. I had bought tons of games and all the latest gaming consoles. Which of course included an Intendo Flip. I even bought a VR-headset, which I’d wanted to try forever but never had the chance to.
“Ha-ha! This is really exciting!” Lidima said.
“I know, my heart is beating so fast!” I said.
Strangers were staring at me holding all those bags and talking to someone invisible.
“I especially can’t wait for you to try VR. Oh, that reminds me, we need to a buy a computer as well! My laptop can’t run VR. And a bigger TV! I want one of those expensive high-resolution curvy ones. But first…”
I looked around and found a bathroom sign.
“We have to do something important!”
“Hey,” Lidima said, “I want the delicious food you talked about. Can we buy all those things later and eat that Chinese Buffet now?”
“Oh yeah, almost forgot. You’re right, let’s go now.“
…
“I’ve never seen anything like this!” Lidima said.
We were walking around the buffet putting food on our plates.
“Oh really? I thought you spent five years here on Earth?”
“I did, but I never went into a place like this. I only sometimes ate for pleasure, but I would always be disappointed by the low quality of the food in the human world,” she said.
“Oh, that’s because you were going to the wrong places, especially if you stumbled into the restaurant I work at ha-ha!“
She hasn’t said ‘hmph!’ or called me an idiot for a while. She’s quite pleasant to be around when she’s not bored.
“Don’t remind me, ha-ha!“
“So how’s the food in the Demon world?“ I said.
“We don’t really have the same cuisine as here… since demons don’t need food to survive like you do, we only have ‘tastes’ you can get.”
“What? That’s really cool.”
That sounds fascinating. I need to find out more about her world later.
“What other differences are there? For example, technologies?”
She’s probably gonna be annoyed by me now… she hates talking to me, I think.
“Well… I would say the biggest difference is the lack of Shells, though you of course have inferior versions of it. Oh, and in general your technologies are so inferior. And all construction here is concrete, metal, and silicon based. You insects don’t even have a single bio-machine! At least I haven’t spotted any during my time here,” Lidima said.
“A bio-machine? Yeah pretty sure we don’t have that here… Oh, before I forget: This is the only place in this depressing city that serves pistachio ice cream. You have to try some, it’s my favourite flavour.”
“Okay!” Lidima said.
I feel if I keep asking questions she’ll get annoyed, I’ll stop for now. I hope this happy mood lasts all day…
…
We were now done eating.
“Yayy! That was so delicious. You were right about the ice cream.”
“I know, I know… Hey, come on we have to do something real quick,“ I said.
“What?” Lidima said.
“That’s a surprise…”
“Is that so…” Lidima said. It looked like I had her interest.
“Is it that drug you grabbed before we left?”
“Shhh! Keep it down,” I said.
Wait, no one can hear her…
“He-he, okay okay,” Lidima said.
…
I poured the cocaine from the salt shaker onto the bathroom sink’s table. Then I took out my credit card to cut up the cocaine into small lines. I rolled a 1000 kr bill into a straw.
“So this is how you do it,” I said and snorted a line.
“AHHHH FUCK!”
That was my first time trying cocaine. I don’t even drink alcohol because it upsets my stomach. I only like doing small amounts of psychedelics for fun sometimes. I was only doing these harder drugs because of the Devil.
If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.
Lidima laughed at me.
“Let me, let me!” she said and grabbed the straw from me.
She snorted two lines.
She didn’t make a sound, she just looked into my eyes. I could see her yellow irises shrink smaller as the black in her eyes became bigger.
Her face is so close to mine. I wanna kiss her!
...
A good way to throw a lot of money out the window is to go on a shopping spree coked up.
I’d gotten a big shopping cart and we were now store-hopping and just buying random stuff.
I looked at Lidima.
“What is it?“ she said.
“Don’t you want new clothes?” I said, “You’ve been wearing the same thing these past three days. Doesn’t it get dirty or sweaty?”
“Hmph! I don’t sweat! And even if this got dirty, it’s self-cleaning.”
“Oh… okay? But don’t you want to buy something new? In case you feel like wearing something different?”
In the blink of an eye her clothes changed shape and color.
“What?!”
“Listen, insect, don’t compare your inferior human clothes to demon technology…”
Why did I even comment on her clothes? I’m so stupid...
She changed her outfit back to the previous one.
“… I like this outfit the best because one of my friends helped pick it out for me. And I need to wear it at all times, so it might help her spot me— Anyway shut up!“
A friend?
“I didn’t even know you had any friends. What’s this person like?”
“As if I’d tell you.”
Switch the topic to not ruin the mood.
“Okay, okay. Anyway, we’re here,“ I said and pointed to the electronics shop.
“This is the one I’ve wanted for so long,” I said and pointed to the big curvy high-resolution TV. “10 k huh?”
I counted the cash I had left.
“What, you don’t have enough? Want me to go to the register and take more?“ she said.
How can she be so casual about stealing?
“Oh no, it’s fine. I still have 30.000 left.”
I grabbed the TV and put it in the shopping cart. Then I went over and grabbed the most expensive gaming laptop the store had, along with a mouse and keyboard.
When I’d finished buying everything we needed, I looked at the overflowing shopping cart.
“Mhm… how are we gonna carry this all the way home? Oh, and we need to buy tons of food and snacks at Lømeks! The expensive, non-generic, brand name kind! And all the ready-made meals they have!”
“Yayy! I really like the ones you put in the microwave,” Lidima said. “But what do you mean carry it? Isn’t the purpose of the cart to transport it home? And why do you have to drag it yourself? Why isn’t it moving on its own?”
So they already have autonomous vehicles in the Demon World, huh?
“Lidima, you’re a genius!” I said.
...
I kept getting stares from strangers walking by and cars kept honking at me.
Though I was very high, I still felt embarrassed walking on the road with a shopping cart filled to the brim.
I look like a total weirdo.
“I’m booooreeed! Can I have more of that white powder?”
“Wait, did it already wear off? Don’t you feel any withdrawal, seriously?”
“I already said I’m not like you lower-life forms. I don’t get sick— Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!”
Lidima gave out six cute light and feminine sneezes.
I chuckled. Lidima looked pissed.
“If you aren’t sick, how come you keep sneezing?”
“I don’t know! Shut up!”
Oh no, she’s angry again. Let’s give her some cocaine.
I looked around to see if anyone was staring. Then I took out the salt shaker.
“Okay, we don’t have a table so do it like this.”
I put some of it on my hand then I snorted it.
“AHHHH!” I said.
Lidima laughed at me.
“Okay,” she said and grabbed the salt shaker from me. She put on about three times more cocaine on her hand than I did.
“Yes!” she said.
She put her face right in front of mine and was smiling. When I looked into the abyss that was her pupils, it felt like she was staring into my soul.
I wanna kiss her. I wanna kiss her. I wanna kiss her.
Because my hands were shaking so much, I lost control of the shopping cart and the big TV dropped out of it.
“Oh shit!“ I said.
Just before it crashed into the ground, Lidima caught it.
What?
She was holding it with one hand as if it were made of paper.
“How can those slender, weightless arms do that?” I said.
“He-he, I’m the strongest pure demon there is. How do you think I got the nickname Devil?”
I had seen her supernatural strength before, but this just seemed absurd. She could probably lift a building right now and I wouldn’t be too surprised.
…
We left the shopping cart with all the stuff on the cash-covered floor inside my one-bedroom apartment. Then we ran to the local Lømeks.
“You’re so slow!” Lidima said tauntingly.
“Please forgive my puny, non-demon body!” I said as I was gasping for air.
“This is it! This is it!” I said as we spotted the Lømeks.
I grabbed a shopping cart.
“Hop on!“ I said to Lidima.
She laughed and jumped into the cart then I pushed her into the store.
I looked like a maniac as I raced through the store with Lidima in the cart. We yanked random items from the isles and threw them into the shopping cart.
“Look at this! Organic milk! I always buy the unhealthy, chemical kind! I need to treat myself,“ I said as I dumped ten litres of organic milk cartons into the cart.
Eventually we passed a certain fridge.
“Look, Lidima: The holy grail!”
“Yayy! I remember, that tasted so delicious!” Lidima said.
There was a stranger behind me going for the same item.
“You want this huh? Too bad!”
I emptied all the ready-made-microwaveable meals into my shopping cart and raced away, with Lidima and I laughing hysterically.
I feel so alive right now!
While Lidima was in the cart, I could see her neck because her hair was tied up at the back in a ponytail.
God she’s so beautiful. I hope this never ends…
While we were walking back to the apartment with me dragging the shopping cart with us, we spotted a lesser demon crawling around.
“Oh, this is the third one I’ve seen this week. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like there’s been more and more demons around lately…” I said.
“It’s so disgusting!” Lidima said.
She grimaced at it.
“I mean yeah it’s kind of weird looking, but I don’t find them too disgusting. This one reminds me of a cute puppy.”
“No, you just can’t see! Right now I am looking at the soul-EM-photons it’s emitting, and it’s so disgusting. Eew!“
“Oh yeah, you said something about having way better vision in the Demon World.“
“They’re attracted to large amount of soul-EM, so they always come to me. So disgusting.”
As if it was attracted to Lidima, the lesser demon hopped over to her. To me it seemed like it wanted to play.
Wait, what just happened?
“What the hell Lidima!“
“What?” she looked at me, confused.
In the previous moment, the cute puppy creature was playfully jumping around Lidima, the next moment, before I could even blink, its body was cut in half.
The lower half of the lesser demon stopped moving, but its upper half started shaking and looked like it was in pain.
I let go of the shopping cart and crouched down to the lesser demon. I tried to put its two halves together.
“So disgusting. Can’t even instantly regenerate,” Lidima said.
“Why the fuck did you do that, you bitch! What the fuck!“
There wasn’t any bleeding, but eventually the upper half of the faceless creature stopped shaking.
The two halves of the creature then slowly dissipated into the atmosphere.
“What’s wrong? Why are you acting up?” Lidima said.
“What’s wrong with you! Why did you kill it?!”
“What do you mean? It was disgusting and bothering me. What’s the big deal?”
When she was talking about other lifeforms as ‘lesser’, does it mean that she could just casually kill a human passing by and not care?
“Okay I don’t want to— Just never kill in front of me. I hate death. And please don’t just meaninglessly kill other creatures. You could have easily just kicked it away or something instead of— I don’t even know how you did that slashing thing.”
“Oh, I just kicked it really fast,” she said.
“Okay, just… don’t do that in front of me, please. Stop with the murder, it’s really annoying. Now I have to live with that traumatic memory,“ I said.
“Yeah, yeah, stop crying about it. Didn’t know you were so sensitive,” she said and kept walking.
Still in shock, I grabbed the shopping cart again and started pushing, while looking at the spot where Lidima killed the cute puppy.
How can she be so ruthless and not have a care for death?
…
We were now in front of my apartment.
I brought all the grocery bags in and left the shopping cart outside. I didn’t bother returning it.
When I opened the door for Lidima, I half-heartedly said, “Ladies first…”
What the hell! I can’t get the image of death out of my mind. It’s not like I cared about the creature at all, but I still don’t want to see that kind of stuff. God that was disgusting. I feel sick in my stomach. Doesn’t matter, just forget about it.
I snorted another line of cocaine.
“Hey! Me too, ha-ha!” Lidima said, and grabbed the salt shaker from me.
Oh, no… I shouldn’t have done another line. It’s gonna be annoying tomorrow when I crash. This is why I don’t do drugs. And now I have a big suitcase full of it. I should just throw it out, along with Lidima probably… What happened to the me who wished she would never leave? My lack of horniness from withdrawal symptoms happened.
The cocaine kicked in. Soon my bad feelings disappeared and I was euphoric again.
I heard a text from my phone. Lidima looked over.
“It’s probably Luna again,“ I said, and sighed.
It was a message from Maggie.
“Hey, why didn’t you come in yesterday? are you coming today? It’s soooo boring without you. Please don’t quit I don’t wanna be alone at this job :(”
Of course it’s boring without me, I’m the only one her age. The only one at the job who isn’t old, ugly, and creepy. Maybe I can still fuck her…
I set an alarm on my phone to remind me when it was time to go.
“I’m gonna go to work later,” I said.
“What? Why? That’s boring?”
“Maggie, that hot girl, remember? she wrote me and asked me to come. I might get to fuck her.”
“What? Really? But then you’d have to work, that’s boring. Why waste time going to work in the hopes of fucking? Let’s just go to a brothel,” she said.
“Wouldn’t be the same, I hate prostitutes,” I said.
“Do you just live by the commands of your dick?”
“Look who’s talking, Mrs. Connoisseur of the Hedonistic Arts.”
…
Lidima played her favourite game on the old gaming console as I set up and booted the new gaming consoles and the laptop and VR.
I took me about an hour to set up the VR and load a game.
“Hey, Lidima. It’s ready, come and have a look,” I said, while carrying the VR-headset.
She looked intrigued.
“What is this?” she said.
“It’s virtual reality. So you kind of get to experience being in a game. The technology isn’t that advanced yet, but it’s a pretty cool concept,” I said.
“Mhmm… Is that so. Lemme try.”
She took the headset and I showed her how to put it on.
She tried it out for a bit.
“Hmph!” she said, and carelessly tossed the headset on the floor.
“Hey, careful! It’s fragile,“ I said.
“Oh, yeah, forgot that human technology breaks easily. Anyway, this is just an inferior version of a Shell,” she said.
There’s that word again, ‘Shell’?
“What’s a Shell?” I said.
“Well… it’s hard to explain. Its street name is Biocoarxo, but it’s officially called bio-computer-artificial-extra-organ. But one of its functions, or the most popular one, is that you can simulate anything with one. I really hate it, it’s made Hell so boring. It made half of all pure demons stop participating in the power struggles and just live out eternity as Hard Shells.”
“What power struggles? Is that why you were banished to Earth?”
She gave me a mean look. “Hmph. I’m bored.” Then she went back to her game.
…
Hours passed as we played games. When I got the new gaming console and TV ready, I played a fighting game against Lidima. And of course got destroyed.
“How are you so good at it already? We’ve only played for half an hour,” I said.
“Call it talent, he-he.“
Eventually even gaming got boring, and I started feeling really depressed from the withdrawal. My small apartment felt cramped because of all the new stuff.
Lidima is hot and all, but I kind of miss my past peaceful life of boring routine where nothing ever happened. Or not. At least I miss not having withdrawals, I’m never doing drugs again.
“I give up,“ I said. I laid down on the mattress without touching Lidima. She didn’t move from her spot and started playing online tournaments and winning them.
“I’m never doing drugs again!” I said, while on the bed.
I looked at the big magical suitcase in disgust. The entire apartment was messy and covered in cash.
“Hey, can you clean up?” I said.
Lidima didn’t respond. She was too absorbed in the game.
That’s when my alarm rang.
“Okay, time to go. You can stay here if you want to, bye,“ I said.
“Yeah right, as if I’m letting the only person I can talk to out of my reaction-zone.”
Reaction-zone? What kind of weird term is that.
“Ehm, okay, you can come. Just… don’t do anything weird.”
“Did I ask for your permission?” Lidima said.
“Okay, chill. Ladies first,“ I said as I opened the door for her.
…
On the way to work, we passed the spot.
“Oh, this is where that really pretty girl sucked my finger and squeezed my balls,” I said.
“What— Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!”
Lidima gave out six cute light and feminine sneezes.
“Now that I think about it, she reminds me of you in a lot of ways. Both of you are also really pretty,” I said.
“Can you explain yourself?“ Lidima said. She looked shocked and confused.
I didn’t expect that reaction from her.
“Mhmm… nah you wouldn’t believe me anyway,” I said.
“Ticker, tell me right now what happened!”
She said my name. Feels weird to hear it aloud.
“Okay, chill. So on this phone box there was two lesser demons playing around a bottle, and one of them flew into it and it broke. You can still see the broken glass pieces around, though the two demons left long ago, lucky for them since you’re here right now…”
Lidima looked annoyed.
“… anyway so I had this strong feeling of deja vu that gave me a small headache. Then this girl showed up, sucked my finger, then disappeared. Mhmm… I don’t remember everything that happened. I just remember how warm and happy she made me feel. That was the happiest I’ve been in my life, I’m pretty sure. I tried looking for her but couldn’t find her. I hope I see her again, I’ll try to ask for her out.”
“Ticker, explain what she did and said and how she looked,” Lidima said.
“Oh yeah… So she had your exact eyes, pure yellow irises. Really beautiful. Her hair was completely black, the same length as yours. What else…“
While I was talking she did something that distracted me.
What the hell...
“W-What is it?“ I said.
She had this small, creepy smile on her face.
“Oh, is that so…” she said.
Are you about to murder me? Or hug me?
“Y-Yeah… anyway I’m gonna be late,” I said and walked away from her quickly, hoping she wouldn’t follow me.
…
And so finally, we arrived in front of hell.
Here we go again… wait why am I back in this shithole?
And of course, while I was regretting my life choices, from across the street I heard a short, fat, ugly, and balding Fatdiva scream at me in a high-pitched voice.
“Yeah yea,” I said to Fatdiva as I passed by him without even looking at his ugly face.
I really wouldn’t mind if a car killed him in an accident.
“Ladies first,” I said as I opened the door for Lidima.
“Who are you talking to?” Fatdiva said. I ignored him.
We entered the gloomy, windowless stuffy yellow restaurant kitchen and I started my shift.
As soon as I went into the kitchen, I heard a few tongue-clicks from the refugee workers.
“Yeah fuck off! Learn to speak Danish or go back home to your fat ugly wives who need to hide their ugly faces behind black cloth!”
The refugee yelled back at me in some poor-person language which I didn’t understand, then they ignored me.
“I’m boooooreeeed! Why are we even here?” Lidima said.
Why am I even here?
“Here you go, Ticker!”
A smile appeared on my face upon the sound of a feminine voice.
In my memory, her voice was higher-pitched than this…
I turned around and saw a cute girl holding a glass of water filled to the brim with ice.
“Hello hello, Maggie,” I said.
Immediately the thought hit me…
I used to think Maggie was the prettiest girl in my life. But now… she just looks, meh, average at best.
I looked over at Lidima. She was staring absentmindedly at the wall.
Holy shit Lidima is beautiful!
“Hey, I saw you in front of my apartment yesterday at the kebab place. Oh my god, did you hear! The kebab place got robbed! So crazy. First the shooting now this… I’m thinking maybe I should move,” Maggie said.
“Yeah, I really hope they catch the… whatever.”
I sighed. I realized how bored I was. I looked at Lidima.
What are you doing, Lidima?
“You know,” Maggie said, “I was thinking again about that movie you told me about. We have to watch it someday!”
Lidima stop that!
“Ticker?”
“Oh yeah, what?“
Lidima was behind Maggie pretending to grope her and making sexy noises.
“Hey, how about we give her some drug from the big suitcase and rape her?”
I gave Lidima a look of ‘no’, and shook my head.
“Come on, don’t be boring. How about I sneak into her house and take pictures of her naked. I can even smear a bottle of your cum on her face while she’s asleep? Ha-ha!”
God Lidima can get dark quickly as soon as she sees anything entertaining.
“I was saying,” Maggie said while a little annoyed, and moved closer to me to touch my arms, “We have to watch that movie you told me about!”
“Oh, right… yeah sure.”
As if I care about your average body.
“Oh, but not today, he-he,” Maggie said.
“I’m booooooreeed!” Lidima said.
What am I even doing with my life…
“Oh my god, I’m so scared of walking back to my apartment tonight… first the shooting and now this robbery…”
“Why am I still working this shitty job?“ I said aloud.
“What?” Maggie said.
And of course, like a small snake slithering in the grass, Fatdiva appeared from out of nowhere to yell at me.
“Ticker! I keep telling you stop bothering Maggie!” he said and creepily put his hands on her shoulders.
“Want me to kill him?” Lidima said.
“No!” I said.
“What? What did you just say, Ticker?”
“Oh, he was just kidding, Fatdiva. He isn’t disturbing me,” Maggie said, trying to ease the tension.
“Oh, fuck off Fatdiva! Fuck you! I quit! Everyone hates you and all the waitresses think you’re ugly and smelly and hate when you sexually harass them. And we can all see the bald spots you try to cover up, you short fat fuck!”
“Ha-ha! Lemme join!” Lidima said. She kicked Fatdiva in the balls.
He dropped to the floor in pain.
“Fatdiva, what’s wrong?!” Maggie said, and took a step away from him. She seemed relieved that he wasn’t touching her anymore.
Why the hell am I even here when I have so much money!
Just as I was about to head out while Fatdiva was on the floor in pain, Maggie grabbed my arms and stopped me.
“Hey, you can’t leave yet. My brother’s been asking around for you and I told him I’d help find you. I already texted him and he’s on his way here. Can you wait for a bit?”
Fucking bitch!
“You fucking whore!” I said, and slapped Maggie’s arms away.
I rushed outside with Lidima following behind me.
“Not even gonna do the whole ‘Ladies first’ routine and open the door for me. So rude…“
This was the first time I’d forgotten to open the door for her.
“Just shut the fuck up!“ I said.
I felt like I was falling down and crashing. The withdrawal and stress hit me like a rock.
“What are you gonna do now?” Lidima said. She looked excited.
“I don’t fucking know! Just shut the fuck up! This is your fault you stupid whore! Fuck! I’m gonna fucking kill him!“
Though I’m taller than him, he weighs more than me and has bigger muscles. I’d probably lose in a straight up fight.
“I’m gonna run home and grab a knife!“
“But he has a gun?“ Lidima said.
“I don’t fucking know! But I’ll fucking kill him!“
Maybe I can trick Lidima into killing him...
“Well, better think of a strategy right now, no time for grabbing a weapon HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!“
“What--”
I got bear hugged from behind and lifted into the air with my arms pinned.
“You’re coming with me,” I heard the drug dealer say.
“GET THE FUCK OFF ME!”
I started kicking and moving around.
“Hey, stop resisting!” he said while carrying me somewhere.
I turned my head and spat in his eyes.
“Eeeww, fucking gross!”
“Lidima, kill him! Kill him right now! Lidima!”
Lidima was laughing hysterically.
“The fuck are you talking to?”
“This is amazing! This is what I love about fights so much, you truly see who someone is!” Lidima said.
I kept kicking the drug dealer and struggling and spitting in his face and elbowing him.
“Stop it! It hurts!“
The drug dealer carried me to the private dumpster spot behind the restaurant. Then he tossed me on the asphalt.
I landed on my back and the air blew out of my lungs.
He sat on my chest.
I felt powerless and humiliated.
“Now, listen—”
My arms weren’t pinned, so I grabbed his face and poked him in the eyes.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
I was punched in the forehead three times and saw my vision go dark three times.
He used his knees to pin my arms.
“Fucking listen, asshole!“
I tried using my long legs to strangle him, but he punched me again.
“Fucking listen! I’m not trying to hurt you!”
I looked at his face. Then I noticed that it was covered in blue marks and that he had a broken nose.
“Your brother’s friends came to my apartment last night and beat me up and robbed me!”
He probably accused them of robbing him then they beat him up. Stupid paranoid drug dealer!
“Fuck you!“
I spat him in the face again. I then bit his leg. He punched me again.
“Now listen, I just need to punish your brother a bit and get my shit back, so I need you to call him here, got it?”
You need to punish him a bit?
I looked over at Lidima. She was staring at me with an excited face.
Fucking slut!
“Okay, I’ll call him now,“ I said.
“Okay, good, good. Thanks for making this easy.”
He got off my chest.
“Now, just text him to—”
I punched him in the balls.
I was already angry, but now I felt murderous rage. This loser broke into my life, beat me up, then acted like he was my boss telling me what to do, and now he wants to hurt my family. No, wants me to help him hurt my family.
“Aaaaawww!”
He dropped to the ground holding his crotch.
I kicked him in the balls again and again.
“Fuck you! I’ll fucking kill you!
I kicked him in the face so he fell onto his back, then kept kicking him in the balls.
I sat on his chest and grabbed his face. It was wet and disgusting from snot and tears.
He was yelling in pain with his mouth opened. I shoved my right fist in and grabbed his tongue.
“This is it! This is what I was looking for! Your fighting style is just like you! Completely selfish! So refreshing!” Lidima was screaming in euphoria.
I shoved my fist deeper into his throat while grabbing his tongue. He started struggling and kicking with his short legs and grabbing my face and arms.
Then he started vomiting and then choking on his vomit. It was disgusting. The vomit came out of his mouth on my hand and out of his nose. And he kept crying.
I just wanted to kill him. He had humiliated me and made me feel powerless. I was full of indignation. And annoyed that this trash thought he had the right to disturb my life.
“Oh man, I wanted this to last a little longer…” Lidima said and sighed.
What the fuck just happened?!
I jumped back.
“Eeew, you lower life forms have so much fluid,” she said.
She grabbed a wet napkin and gracefully washed her right shoe. Then she tossed the tissue randomly on the ground.
Her pants got a little blood on them. I saw the pants and shoes clean itself.
In front of me was the headless body of the drug dealer. I noticed that he was holding a gun. I realized that he was about to shoot me while I was choking him to death.
I looked down at my right hand.
“Aaaaaaaah!”
I saw a decapitated head stuck on my arm leaking blood.
His eyes were open and he had the dumbest face. It looked like he was stupidly laughing.
I tried shaking it off but my fist was stuck in his throat and his teeth were sunk into my flesh and I was bleeding.
I kept trying to shake it off in a panic. Then I kicked it off my hand.
I watched the head as it flew in the air, the head spinning around itself mid-air, then landing inside an open dumpster.
“That was so boring! I hate dilating time…” Lidima said.
“Lidima, you fucking whore!”
I turned my head away from the drug dealer.
“What’s wrong?” she said.
“God that was disgusting! Why the hell didn’t you stop him before! God dammit! God that was disgusting!”
“Chill, I just wanted to see you fight…”
“Never do that again! Look at my face! I could have gotten a broken nose, or chipped my teeth. Or maybe his teeth gave me some disease like hepatitis. God fucking dammit! And now I probably got brain damage from those punches! God that piece of fucking shit!”
I then remembered the image of the flying head.
“God dammit! I didn’t wanna see that!“
In no way did I care about the drug dealer and I was glad he was dead. But I still found the murder disgusting to look at. I wanted to vomit.
“And now I’m gonna have this traumatic memory replaying for the rest of my life. Thanks a lot, Lidima!”
“Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!”
For some reason Lidima gave out six cute light and feminine sneezes.
“Oh,” Lidima said, “I just remembered what it means when a pure demon sneezes…”
This girl is crazy. She put me in danger just so she could have a little fun. And she was laughing throughout the fight. She’s the most beautiful woman ever, but I have to get away from her.
Lidima looked me in the eyes with her yellow irises, and said:
“I’m pregnant.”