When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, but what if life gives you a rotten apple? You throw the apple at the other guy and steal his lemons! Stealing those lemons comes with a price, a price that your soul cannot bare.
In a suburban town, set somewhere in the middle of the United States of America (don't ask me where, could be Ohio for all I know), there was a transaction being made. It was perfectly legal, well, as legal as any transaction with Devil can be. The night was quiet and the air was fresh. A perfect time to do business with the dictator of the underworld. Two shady characters, one tall, handsome and mysterious, the other, average height, average looks but intelligent. The two were standing in a burnt house. It was old and a not-so-very-recent kitchen fire burned it down mercilessly, leaving only half the roof and a few outer walls charred but still standing. It's rumored to be haunted by the ghosts of the scorched victims, but the only two souls there tonight were the devil and his customer. The item of value? Riches beyond your wildest dreams my good sir! The price? Just your mortal soul! It's not like you need it, am I right?
“Just to recap what the contract says, if I sell you my soul you'll make me a millionaire in the next few minutes?”
"Yes." the mysterious man said through clenched teeth
“And I won't die until I'm 40?”
"Yes” the man said gritting his teeth even harder.
"And there won't be any injury or disease or any situation that I have no control over that will keep me from spending my money?”
"Yes” the man stated. You could see his teeth visibly cracking from the pressure.
“And you'll give me a pair of Taylor Swift's panties, correct?”
SHATTER
The tall, handsome and mysterious man's teeth broke! He sighed and snapped his fingers. His teeth instantly became healthy again.
“Yes, I will get you a pair of Taylor Swift's panties, now sign the fucking contract before I blow my brains out!”
The young man smirked. "Fine, fine. No need to get your undies in a knot." He drew the pocket knife from his pocket and cut the tip of his middle finger. The mysterious man, on the other hand, pulled out the contract seemingly out if thin air. He held it out to the young man and when the young man's bleeding middle finger touched the contract, his blood took on a life of its own. It gushed out of the young man's finger and spelled out a name on the dotted line. The name was Danny U. Mcguire. The young man stood still, the pain was spread all over his face. When it was finally done he heaved a sigh of relief.
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“Ha, your Initials spell dum. That's fucking hilarious!"
"Considering the fact that I tricked you into getting me a pair of Taylor Swift's panties, if I'm dumb then what are you?”
" ……….you got what you want, just please go. You're giving me a headache.”
" Fine, whatever, just one question.”
"Say one more word and I will forcefully break this contract just to shove your head up your ass.”
The young man thought for a second then picked up a piece of charred wood. He walked over to the least burned part of the floor and began writing. The mysterious man saw this and began burning with rage and flames. Literal fire was coming from his anger. When the young man was done he sped away laughing like a maniac.
“AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH"
The old and burned house ignited with a new fire, this one consuming it until nothing was left.
Every neighboring house was awoken by the smell of smoke but when they came to the scene of the fire the damage has already been done. The old house was no more. The lot was smoking and the only person who knows why has already made it home.
Snickering, he made it through the door. 'It was totally worth asking him when I'm getting the panties’ Danny thought to himself.
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After that fateful night, Danny U. Mcguire had a pretty decent life. There was a 'situation’ with the bank he went to. All the money he had in the bank was gone so he sued the bank and made several million. After that, he quit college and began traveling around the world. By the age of 23, (he was 20 when he made the deal), he was voted America's luckiest man. He was on a trip to California but his plane crash landed in the Nevada desert, with him being the only survivor. There, he stumbled upon a gold mine and quickly made several more million. By 27 he was one of the richest men on Earth. He had already founded and sold several companies dealing with things from computer software to sex toys to cat litter. In America he made unemployment a thing of the past. He went to Africa and helped there, building schools, homes and hospitals. He went to South America and payed for thousands of new trees to be planted, to help recover the diminishing rainforest. By age 30, he was the most influential man on Earth. He was friends with the presidents of China, Russia and the US. It could be almost said that this man single handedly made the world a better place. At this point in time, there was no chance for a world war 3. By age 34, he was the first man on Mars. With his unbelievable amount of money, the world made several technological advances, allowing cars to run on water and spaceships to travel to Mars within a year.
At the tender age of 39 he sells all his valuables except for a house at in Cuba and donated all his money, except for a million to live on.
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August 21st 11:59 pm, there was a knock at the door. An older man looking like he's in his late 30s or early 40s gets up from the couch to answer it. He was average looking but had beautiful blue eyes with abundant intelligence in them. He opens the door and sees a nicely wrapped box. He tears the wrapping paper and opens the box to find a pair of panties and a note.
The older man grinned in spite of his incoming doom. He picked up the note and read it.
[Dear D.U.M. Ass, happy birthday and watch out for the shit stains, she got loose bowels in her old age! With love, your soon-to-be torturer.]
He picked up the panties with loving care and took a sniff and immediately he wanted to 'shake it off’.
August 22nd at 7:00 am, he was found dead by his butler. Cause of death? Extreme pleasure.