A very cowardly and despicable part of me almost hung up as soon as my mom's cheerful "Hello, Simon!" chirped through the phone.

"Hi mom, hope I didn't catch you at work."

"Not today, it's a bank holiday," she said with a knowing laugh.

I was terrible at keeping track of what the actual day was and tended to not really question when I was suddenly scheduled off beyond being relieved for an unexpected down day. I tried to remember why exactly it was a holiday, but drew a complete blank. I assumed it was one of those random some war ended four hundred years ago observations where it was kept up more out of tradition rather than anyone finding it particularly important to celebrate anymore.

"Ah, I forgot of course," I said with my own light chuckle, "makes sense seeing as I'm off today as well."

"I'm glad, you work and study far too hard, you always have. You need to eventually settle into some sort of balance and find a life outside of just career ambition."

"Mom, you don't have much room to talk, you're holding a doctoral degree while teaching five year olds how to count on their fingers and build block towers without fist fighting each other over blocks."

Mom was one of those teachers who thirteen years later students would track down after graduation to give a hug and thank her for setting them on the right path. Every year on the last day of school I would drop by after my own end of school day to help her carry the dozens of gifts she would receive to the car from the parents thanking her for all the work she put in over the year. She was one of those live, breath, and sleep her passion kinds of people and I never figured out how she managed to keep up the constant positive energy she did. While I eventually burned out and retreated for recovery, she could teach a full week of school dealing with bathroom accidents and grumpy parents, then me at home being a single mom, and still find time to arrange outings with her friends and keep up a somewhat normal social life. I'm not sure she ever got a full night's sleep when I was young, while her passion was in the classroom, she made sure I was still her priority outside of working hours. She was always there for me to help with homework, take me around to zoos and parks on the weekend, and generally always be an ear of understanding when I needed it. I couldn't have asked for or designed a better parent.

"Yes and don't you think that means I speak from experience, Simon? I've figured out how to balance everything over the years. You will too with time, but you need to make sure you don't look back with regret for not prioritizing your happiness earlier on in your life."

"I'll work on it," I sighed, "but you should go out and enjoy your day off. Maybe go do something you've always wanted to do."

"Planning on meeting up with some friends for brunch here in a little bit. I found this quirky cafe that does an all strawberry themed brunch and couldn't resist booking a table. I've been waiting for a couple months and I'm excited to finally be able to try it. I'll make sure to take lots of pictures to show you. Next time you come visit we'll have to go together."

That hurt. A lot. A lot, a lot. It was an otherworldly struggle to not burst into sobs and confess, but it seemed unfathomably cruel to ruin her last day, especially when she sounded so happy and carefree. I got why they never told anyone, everyone is someone's family member and letting them go on ignorant but happy up until the last moment was the better option.

"Yeah we'll have to plan that soon." My voice cracked a little as I tried to hold back the dam of emotions, but there was the sound of fabric rustling and keys jingling.

You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

"Sorry Simon, what was that?" she giggled. "Was just getting on my jacket, I just saw the time and I need to run out and get my nails done before brunch so that they can be strawberry themed to match."

"Ah okay, I won't keep you then, but mom I love you so much." I wanted to keep her on the phone, keep talking and reminiscing until the very last second, but that would be selfish of me and I couldn't do that to her. "You have fun, Cas says 'hi' too."

"I love you too, Simon and hi, Cas! Kisses!"

"Kisses."

That was it, that was going to be the last time I ever spoke to my mom. I inhaled deeply and leaned back in my chair, squeezing my eyes shut in some sort of attempt to keep from breaking down. My stomach twisted and it felt like a tensioned cord in my chest snapped, releasing the hold I had on my grief. I tried to hold back from sobbing but it only lasted a few seconds before tears were streaming down my face and the full weight of everything came crashing down and sat on my chest like a ton of barbells.

"Oh Simmy…" Cas whispered somewhere far away.

I felt like I was receding into myself, falling away into the abyss of grief and sorrow, sliding slowly down beneath the waves to drown with no hope of saving myself. Any time I felt like maybe I could claw back to the surface and gain some kind of composure, another wave of unending despair would crash against me and drove me back farther beneath the surface. It was all too horrible, too unfair, too unthinkable to be real, this couldn't be happening and if it was why should I of all people be saved? My mom should be the one in my place, she deserved all the happiness in the world and deserved to live her life out in peace. Through the sobs and anguish I had fleeting hopeful ideas float through my consciousness that maybe I could try and get her added to the list or maybe even take my place, but I knew deep down that there is no way any exceptions would be made, especially at this late hour. If they made exceptions for me, then there'd be pressure to do it for everyone. If they didn't make more exceptions, then people, extremely smart people, would be boarding the ship with grudges and that would be a recipe for disaster. I was lucky to be on the list at all and it would be dangerous to push anything, even if the very core of my being wanted nothing more than to beg for just this one favor.

When I finally was able to slowly will myself back to reality and calmed down enough to try to pull myself together, the lights in the room had dimmed to a cool blue that was slowly pulsing along with calming spa music playing over my computer speakers.

"Feeling better?" Cas asked in a low murmur. She hadn't even put herself up on the screen and was instead scrolling through short, silent videos of crashing waves and wind rustling through trees.

"Not really." My voice cracked again and I cleared my throat. "Probably won't be for a good long while."

"I imagine it's very hard for you."

"No you don't, you can't, you will never be able to imagine what it's like. Must be nice."

I didn't quite mean the comment to sound mean, but it definitely did and even though I recognized it I didn't have the energy to feel guilty and backpedal. If she noticed, she didn't press the issue and instead kept scrolling through the videos. After a few long moments of gathering myself, I glanced at the time and realized that even though I felt like crawling back into bed and just sleeping until the pain stopped, I needed to get packing or I would end up leaving with nothing. I downed a couple of headache meds with the remnants of my long cold coffee and set to work.

"We need to leave soon," Cas informed me softly as I was zipping up the second to last bag, she closed out of the videos and shut down the soothing music.

I nodded, still mostly brooding in my own head. Pressing the button to shut down the computer, my phone screen lit up briefly as Cas transferred. Getting the computer apart and into the bag was quick and I double checked to make sure I had not left an essential cord behind, then I zipped everything up tightly and sighed as I looked around at all the things I would leave behind to vaporize like my life in the apartment had never existed in the first place. The existential crisis was forefront in my mind, almost nothing I had ever accomplished meant anything. All the late nights and hard work felt like they had been so foolish and wasteful, made even worse that everyone who had ever even slightly cared or knew about my accomplishments would be nothing more than cosmic dust by the end of the day. I would just be some nobody whose past was inconsequential and only relevant in my memories. I was left feeling like I should have just partied and lived it up instead of saving and working.

"Cas, how much is in my savings account?"

"7,5419.15 credits as of the 6am update this morning."

"Good enough, call me a cab for the mall."

"The mall?" Cas protested, "We only have a little wiggle room timewise if there is bad-"

"I know, I know, I'll take the risk."

"Alright," she sighed, "a cab is enroute and estimated to be here in five minutes. Can I at least ask what this is all about?"

"Going out with a bang of my own."

"I have no idea what that means, Simon."

"You'll see," I said and swung the heavy luggage over my shoulders and slid the phone into my pocket so I could make a mad dash to meet the Taxi.