Guldur Von Desmarque casually walked through the corridors of his fortress. Dressed in his usual cloak (dramatically billowing, of course), he seemed lost in thought, though it was more likely he was simply thinking about nothing in particular. After all, being a lich meant having plenty of time to... well, procrastinate.

The corridors were a mess. Ossovaldo, his most loyal skeletal servant, crouched in front of a pile of bones stacked in an artistic manner – or at least artistic by undead standards.

"Master, I think these ribs would make a great room ornament!" Ossovaldo shouted, holding up two pieces like trophies.

"Great, Ossovaldo, add that to the never-ending list of things that will never get done," Guldur replied without looking up. He was more concerned with remembering if he had locked the room where he kept his most dangerous experiments (spoiler: he hadn't).

At that moment of peaceful disarray, the fortress was suddenly filled with an absolutely unbearable sound: DING-DONG-DING-CLANG-BAM-BAM.

The entry alarm. Or, as Guldur called it: "The Awakener of Infinite Irritation."

"WHAT THE DAMNATION IS THAT?!" Guldur screamed, his eye sockets glowing intensely.

Ossovaldo shrugged – or tried to, since he didn’t really have shoulders that could move. "I think someone's at the door, master."

"Who had the idiotic idea to install an alarm that sounds like the fortress is under attack?" Guldur marched toward the main hall with all the elegance of an outraged lich.

When he arrived, the sight was so ridiculous that even someone without facial muscles like Guldur might have furrowed his brow. A scrawny, greenish goblin stood in the center of the hall, holding a huge package and a rolled-up magazine. He wore an absurdly oversized mailman uniform and a crooked cap that looked ready to fall off.

"DELIVERY FOR MASTER GULDUR VON DESMARQUE!" the goblin shouted, as if trying to be heard from across the underworld.

"I am Guldur Von Desmarque," Guldur announced, his voice echoing. "And why are you shouting?"

The goblin flashed a wide, toothless grin. "Company policy, boss! Shouting to make sure the dead hear! Now sign here, please." He pulled out a dirty clipboard that looked like it had been used as a plate at some point.

"Sign? I’m a lich! My status is signature enough!"

"Look, boss," the goblin responded, rolling his eyes. "I just deliver packages. Rules are rules."

Guldur snorted, grabbed the clipboard, and scribbled something that looked like a set of threatening runes – or maybe just an attempt to draw a dragon. The goblin didn’t seem to care.

"Thanks, boss! Here’s your mail. Have a nice day, and say hi to your... horde of undead!"

Before Guldur could respond, the goblin ran off, leaving the package and the magazine on the floor. Ossovaldo, who had quietly followed Guldur, leaned in to take a look.

"Master, I think this is an invitation." He picked up the magazine and started flipping through it.

"Invitation?" Guldur asked, picking up the package with his bony hands. The seal bore the emblem of a skull with glasses – an unmistakable symbol.

He sighed. "Ah, of course. The General Association of Necromancers, Sorcerers, and the Like... also known as AGNEFA."

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"AGN... EFA?" Ossovaldo repeated, trying to process the acronym. "That sounds kind of funny."

"Dragon thing," Guldur muttered. He opened the package, revealing an ornate invitation and a magazine with the title: "Rituals on the Rise: Necromantic Trends for the New Era."

"This must be for the Seventh Secular Gathering," he said, reading the invitation. "It’s an event where necromancers pretend to care about networking and lectures on ethics in necromancy. Ridiculous."

"But master, look at this!" Ossovaldo pointed to a page in the magazine. "Discount coupon for magic wands!"

Guldur paused and looked at the page with more interest than he was willing to admit. "Hmm. A discount is never a bad thing..."

Suddenly, his memory was jogged. "Ah, now I remember how I joined this association. It was that irritating skeletal dragon. Zarkhul. He sold the membership like it was a once-in-a-lifetime offer. 'Lifetime membership and exclusive discounts!' he said."

"Master, I think you mentioned something about discounts for your lich transformation," Ossovaldo said.

"Yes," Guldur confirmed, looking at the invitation with disdain. "That was the only reason I joined. I got these glowing eyes in the deal." He pointed to his incandescent eye sockets. "They’ve been glowing for all these centuries, which is surprisingly useful for late-night reading."

Ossovaldo gave what might have been a smile. "So, shall we go to the meeting, master?"

Guldur sighed. "We have no choice. Turning down the invitation means dealing with threatening letters signed by 300 liches and a skeletal dragon." He looked at the magazine again. "But at least I can grab that coupon. I think I’ll see if there’s anything good to buy."

He paused, thoughtful. "But before that... tea and biscuits."

Just as he finished speaking, a loud crash came from the main hall.

"YOU, SKINNY BONES!" Gronk roared, dramatically spinning around while pointing a fat finger at a group of skeletons with exhausted, spectral expressions. "MOVE THE WALL CLOSER TO THE CEILING! IT'S NOT ALIGNED!"

The skeletons, clearly confused, looked at each other. One of them raised a makeshift sign written in charcoal: "Walls don’t move."

"Gronk doesn’t want excuses, he wants results!" the ogre replied, stomping his foot so hard that some stones on the floor cracked.

"Master," Ossovaldo murmured, watching the scene, "I think he thinks he’s... renovating the fortress?"

"Renovating?" Guldur replied, raising an eyebrow (or what would be the lich equivalent). "What does he think he’s doing?"

As they spoke, Gronk turned to another group of skeletons struggling to hold up a giant log that clearly didn’t fit anywhere.

"LOG IS IMPORTANT! MAKES FORTRESS MORE WOODEN!" Gronk explained proudly when Guldur finally asked.

"Wooden?"

"YES! MAKES FORTRESS PRETTIER! MORE COMFORTABLE!" Gronk gave a satisfied grin, as if he’d just solved a major structural issue. "AND ALSO... MORE SECURE! LOG BLOCKS INVADERS!"

Meanwhile, the skeletons seemed ready to collapse under the weight of the log. One of them fell to the ground with a dry thud, its skull rolling to Ossovaldo’s feet.

"Master, this is going too far," Ossovaldo whispered, trying to return the skull to its owner.

"And it doesn’t stop there," Guldur said, pointing to what appeared to be a huge puddle of mud in the middle of the hall. Gronk was dumping buckets of water and dirt, turning the place into an improvised swamp.

"What’s this now, Gronk?"

"INDOOR MOAT! FORTRESS SAFE FROM INSIDE OUT!" he announced, as if he were a master strategist.

"A moat... inside the fortress?"

"YES! SO IF INVADER ENTERS, THEY FALL! BONES TOO, IF NOT DONE RIGHT!" he shouted, pointing at the skeletons with a bucket in hand.

"This makes absolutely no sense!" Guldur protested, as one of the skeletons slipped in the mud and fell into the moat.

"YES IT DOES!" Gronk shot back proudly. "IF INVADER COMES IN, THEY FALL TOO! DOUBLE THE SAFETY! GRONK IS A GENIUS!"

Ossovaldo turned to Guldur, whispering, "I didn’t know undead could look depressed, but... they do."

Indeed, one of the skeletons was holding an empty bucket and staring off into the distance as if reevaluating every decision that led it to this point.

"Enough of this," Guldur said, his patience finally running out. He marched over to Gronk and, with a voice full of authority, declared, "Gronk, you are officially forbidden from giving orders!"

The ogre froze, looking lost. "BUT... BUT GRONK IS THE BOSS! WITHOUT GRONK, WHO COMMANDS?"

"I do, you idiot!"

Gronk seemed to ponder this for a moment before breaking into a wide grin. "SO GRONK CAN BE THE BOSS’S ASSISTANT? GRONK IS GOOD AT HELPING!"

"Great," Guldur replied, exhausted. "Your first task as assistant is: stop doing things!"

Gronk gave an exaggerated salute, pounding his fist against his chest. "GRONK WILL STOP DOING THINGS WITH EXCELLENCE!"

The skeletons began dropping buckets, logs, and tools with palpable relief, some even applauding.

As they walked away, Guldur shook his head. "I really created a monster."

From the end of the corridor, Gronk shouted, "GRONK IS THE BEST MONSTER!"