Allison Fae

September 22nd, 2022

Mrs. Fowler

ELA

When I grow up draft thing fuck

(Recovered from C: Windows \Users\Allison\Documents\Schoolwork\Ditched Drafts)

Questions are things you can’t even begin to answer if you don’t know who is asking them like islands. Sometimes you end up on the wrong one it drags in your mind until it drags you back to the ocean…sometimes they just make you more afraid of being able to answer and you come to the realization that none of us really know what we are going to be in the next day, much less when we’re older. Often they form much larger pictures when placed in context of one another.

Sometimes I wonder what I’ll be when I grow up. I wanted to take an honest look at myself for this paper…and since I’m new I know I haven’t been able to give you all an idea of what I am going to be. I…sometimes I think I’m going to be dead when I’m older. Not like an eventually I’ll be dead, but…dead. Sometimes I wonder about what kind of people would want to adopt a fuck up like me…and I try not to think about that too much because it gets really sad. Something good happens like I get adopted by a happy go lucky couple who wants to fix me and then they find out that it’s too much. It’s always too much. They leave me behind and my life resets. It all goes back to zero and I’m left with the pain to figure it out and have to try my best to smile for the next couple to come around.

A new family has adopted me—this much is obvious since I’m here at this new school, but they’re nice—George and Jaclyn Fae. They’re nice people. I said that already I’m aware of that much, but I don’t want it to be confused that I don’t like them or anything like that. It’s just that they’re not the first nice people to adopt me, and sooner or later they’ll regret their decision and leave me in the dust again. Things will go great until they don’t and I’ll be alone again.

So, I’ve made myself a pact…the first thing that I’ve been able to do for myself and only myself. If that happens—if they do leave me behind like everyone else I am going to kill myself. I want to believe that there is family that is out there for me, but I can’t believe in it 100% anymore. It is much too dangerous. So I’m going to try my best to make it work here, but this is my last chance. This is the final act; the denouement to my life.

I’m sorry if you find this shocking to read, which, let’s be real here, nobody is ever going to read this piece of trash. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. What do I want to be when I grow up?

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Wanted. My name is Allison Fae, and Fuck Everything.

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~…~

Ally slammed her head onto the keyboard. It was George’s old computer he had lugged up to her room for any school work that she needed. She thanked him heavily for the kind gesture, but she meant what she had written.

“I guess this is where I come in to save the day?” Jace said. He was lying on her bed, looking at her. “I’m in your mind, it’s not up to me to be here, that’s all on you.”

“Fuck off. And don’t you dare tell me to mind my language.” She raised her head up, clicked off of the word document and turned toward him and sighed. She scratched her neck. “I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Sure you can,” he said. “You’re gonna do as you’ve done and pick yourself up. School’s not as bad this time around, right? Made some friends, right?”

She bit her lip and then thought of Lilly.

“I know what you’re thinking, and it isn’t as bad as you think.”

“What isn’t as bad? That I think she’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever fucking seen? That in addition to being an orphan I also get to be the gay kid?”

“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with—”

“Are you kidding?!” She near-shouted. “You’ve never been to school a single day in your life. Never.”

“I’m not real.”

“If you were…” she clutched her arm tight, “You’d know how they use that against you. What kind of taunts and torture they create based on that one fact. They’re the most creative devils this planet has seen.”

“So, what are you going to do?”

She was crying now and slammed her head against the desk. “I don’t know…I’m definitely not telling anyone. That’s not happening. I can’t hand in this stupid paper because all I want to write about is nothing relating to the stupid topic. I only want to write about how much I hate myself.”

“Well…maybe write about me?”

She gripped the end of the table, “You self-centered…”

“It’ll be something they’ll be interested in,” He posed, “Who knows… maybe even you’ll catch her eye with it.”

She picked her head up and thought about it for a moment. “…I think that would work.”

“I’m full of ideas, and you don’t even listen to most of them,” He crossed his arms and gave her a cocky grin.

“That’s because your ideas are fueled by my shitty brain,” she said, restarting the heading on the paper.

“Stop it.”

It was so brief that she mistook his serious look for a joke…he was rarely actually serious with her.

“I’m sorry,” her eyes returned to the screen.

“Don’t be sorry. You aren’t shitty. I don’t want you to think like that anymore.” She didn’t answer. She only continued to write the paper, and as she started she saw the flow of where she would take it. Soon enough she finished, and that was when she noticed that she’d been up all night fighting with herself over this stupid paper.