I do not belive in the idea of a god. This may sound self contradictory seeing as I am a Cleric sworn to serve one, but the idea of a benevolent and all powerfull god in a world such as this has always dumbfounded me. How are we meant to belive that a god in possession of such power would care for or even notice us mere mortals?

Now clearly there is some higher power- some thing- that stands behind the might which I, as well as other Clerics and Paladins across the world, wield. However; the idea that this something cares for us mortals beyond it's own selfish gains and amusement is ludicrous to me. I do not see myself as a selfless devotee of a benevolent benefactor, I am mearly a contractor towards something greater than myself; exchanging the spreading of its faith and bidding of its will in exchange for the possibility to wield parts of its powers to heal the wounded and dispell the evils of this world. 

When we pray nothing awnsers. A being supposedly so power-full seems power-less to act of its own accord in this world. Instead they must rely on people such as myself to enact their will through. Giving us free reign over a sliver of their power to do with as we see fit untill the day they call upon our services for some cause of their choosing. They can then decide to revoke these powers whenever they so choose.  

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I've witnessed many a believer be abandoned by their god in the most critical of situations: Facing down a horde of undead; standing before a plauge ravaging their town; or seeing their loved bleed out before them. 

There is merit to faith, of course. Whether it allows people to face an otherwise seemingly uncaring and unforgiving world or it simply gives one meaning enough in life to carry on. As a Cleric I've witnessed the power of faith in all walks of life, but these supposed gods that said faith is directed to are the problem, they do not deserve anyone's faith. If nothing else, the fact that a so blatantly blashpemous person such as myself retains their gift of strength when it has abandoned so many good men before me, shows just how little they truly care for us beyond their own senseless whims and fancies.

Obviously these musings will never see the light of day. I do not know why I still put to paper these thoughts of mine when I know that they'll soon be no more than ash in the brazier which lights my camp. Yet I persist in my writing, if for no other reason than to find a measure of solace in this journey of mine. 

Gods know I'd be hanged were these ever to see the light of day. Then again, the gods couldn't care less.