Novels2Search
The Church, the Mage, and the Snarky AI
Chapter 18: Your Grandmother Has Gone God Mode

Chapter 18: Your Grandmother Has Gone God Mode

It wasn't just Ikes who was dumbfounded - Benjamin's jaw practically hit the floor.

At this point, even a complete idiot could see what his grandmother was up to.

She had deliberately tripped Dick to save Benjamin's skin. And what a masterful job she'd done of it too. The way she'd swung that cane - with Ikes standing between her and Dick, mind you - and still managed to hit her target? Either this was the most miraculous accident in history, or his grandmother had skills that would make a ninja jealous.

No doubt about it, she'd done it on purpose. By tripping Dick and making the chamber pot smash into him again, she'd firmly placed herself on Benjamin's side. Now, if the Fur family wanted to punish Benjamin, they'd have to punish her too. Otherwise, they'd be violating their precious "noble's honor".

And there was no way in hell they'd dare throw a chamber pot at the old lady. If they accidentally caused her serious harm, there'd be hell to pay. The Church would get involved, and then what? Even if Ikes had the balls to do it, Claude would never allow it.

So, since the Fur family couldn't punish the old lady, they had no grounds to punish Benjamin either.

In short, his grandmother had played the elder card masterfully, saving Benjamin's bacon.

Realizing this, Benjamin let out a huge sigh of relief.

Thank the gods, even with her quirky temper, his grandmother had proven more loyal than his deadbeat dad when push came to shove. Otherwise, he would've been royally screwed. Maybe this world wasn't full of backstabbing snakes after all.

Gratitude, indeed…

Of course, if Benjamin could figure this out, the others could too.

Judging by the constipated looks on the Fur family's faces, especially Ikes', they were about as happy as if they'd swallowed a turd. Obviously, they weren't going to let this slide.

"Duke Claude, the Old Madam is getting on in years and isn't quite in her right mind. She doesn't know what she's saying. Of course we won't hold it against her. But Duke, surely you understand how this situation needs to be handled, yes?" Ikes immediately targeted the hidebound Duke Claude. Clearly, he also knew tangling with the old lady was a losing battle, so he'd set his sights on Benjamin's father instead.

"Hmm…" Claude's face was a mask of confliction, but he didn't respond right away.

Seeing this, Benjamin's heart, which had just settled, leaped right back into his throat.

Damn, these people were persistent as hell. Even now, they refused to back down. Make no mistake, what Ikes was doing was a blatant attempt to drive a wedge in the Lither family.

Benjamin could only pray his father wouldn't take the bait…

"What's that? I may be old, but I haven't lost my marbles yet. I know exactly how to handle this situation, and I won't let it turn into a bloody circus."

Just as Claude was wavering, the old lady suddenly cut in, her eyelids twitching. She put on an air of unassailable authority, spouting self-righteous nonsense with unbelievable gusto.

Claude, once again interrupted by the old lady, still didn't lash out. Instead, he stayed silent, apparently content to let her run the show.

Ikes couldn't help but frown at this. "Old Madam, please, enough of these games."

"Games?" The old lady acted as if he'd just sprouted a second head, her face a picture of wide-eyed innocence. "Earl Ikes, what in the world are you implying? It was YOUR family who came to OUR house to raise a ruckus, was it not? How have I done anything of the sort? Earl Ikes, let's be reasonable here."

Ikes was clearly at the end of his rope. He snapped back, "We're not the ones raising a ruckus!"

Realizing his outburst was unbecoming, he took a deep breath, reining in his temper. Slipping back into his usual smooth nobleman persona, he continued, "Old Madam, my son was a guest in your home and was bullied by your grandson. As his father, of course I must seek justice for him. Furthermore, by disciplining your grandson for his misdeed, we're actually doing you a favor, ensuring he won't repeat the offense. Instead of thanking us, you're standing here twisting the truth. Old Madam, who's the unreasonable one here?"

"Oh, is that so?" The old lady looked even more shocked, bordering on bewildered, as if hearing this version of events for the first time. "But wasn't it us who graciously invited Dick to be our guest? How could we have known the poor boy's sleepwalking would flare up in the dead of night, leading him to mistake that chamber pot for a kickball? Not only did he hurt himself, he made an absolute mess of our hallways. Considering it was an honest mistake, we chose not to make an issue of it with you. And this is the thanks we get?"

WHAM!

With those words, Ikes seemed to finally snap. He slammed his fist on the table as he jumped to his feet.

"You…"

His eyes bulged, finger jabbing at the old lady accusingly, but the words died in his throat. The jowls on his face quivered with rage, mirroring his son's expression from last night when he'd been struck speechless by the chamber pot.

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Everyone exchanged uneasy glances, the tension palpable. Even Claude looked displeased, as if he wanted to say something. But at that moment, the old lady shot him a look. That single, seemingly casual glance was enough to silence him once more.

She turned back to face the room, still the picture of innocent confusion, as if her previous words had been nothing more than idle chitchat.

Benjamin was floored.

Apparently, his grandmother's standing in the Lither family was far, FAR higher than he'd ever imagined.

And his stern, no-nonsense father? Wrapped around his mother's little finger, from the looks of it.

"Your grandfather passed away when your dad was very young," the AI chimed in with its usual helpful exposition. "Your grandmother practically raised him single-handedly. Back in the day, she was the sole pillar holding up the Lither family. Word around the capital is that she's got some serious clout, but the specifics are hush-hush."

"Funny, you never mentioned any of this before," Benjamin silently snarked.

"Hey, I can't be expected to remember every little detail!" the AI huffed. "The memories I gave you were the abridged version. You think I've got time to recap your grandma's entire life story? Sheesh, so high-maintenance!"

"…"

Benjamin had officially run out of comebacks.

Back in reality, Ikes was still too flabbergasted by the old lady's words to speak. Seizing the opportunity, the old lady showcased her "relentless when in the right" side, pressing her advantage and twisting the knife:

"Come on, Benjamin, tell Earl Ikes what you saw last night. We can't have the esteemed Earl left in the dark."

Benjamin was stunned for a moment, then immediately caught on, his acting skills rising to the occasion.

He put on a slightly aggrieved expression, tinged with a hint of timid innocence and a touch of stubbornness. "I… last night, I had just woken up and was a bit hungry, so I thought I'd go out and find something to eat. That's when I ran into Mr. Fur. He seemed to be in a strange state at the time, probably having a sleepwalking episode, holding that chamber pot in his hands. I was just about to call out to wake him up, when suddenly, he tripped and then… well, everyone saw what happened next."

As he spoke, he thought to himself: My acting skills are really improving by leaps and bounds.

I'm so shamelessly brazen, I'm even scaring myself!

On the other side, upon hearing Benjamin's words, Ikes immediately regained his ability to form coherent sentences, shouting angrily, "You're lying!"

Benjamin quickly put on a meek expression, looking like he was about to burst into frightened tears:

"I… I'm not, it really happened just like that."

The old lady also immediately stood up for him, fanning the flames: "Why would the Earl not believe it? Could there be more to this story? Oh dear, where's Dick? Quick, ask him what really happened last night. Only Dick knows the whole truth."

Where was Dick? Ah, where was Dick?

Dick was in that fragrant cesspool of excrement.

Ikes glanced at the unconscious Dick again, the jowls on his face quivering, his eyes nearly shooting flames.

"Oh my, I just remembered something," the old lady also followed his gaze to Dick, suddenly putting on an expression of "epiphany". "I seem to recall hearing that people don't remember what happens when they're sleepwalking. What a pickle, asking Dick won't do any good now. Earl Ikes, I'm afraid this mystery may never be solved. You have my deepest sympathies."

Game over.

Benjamin wanted to give a standing ovation. If the old lady had been spouting nonsense before, these last few lines had delivered the coup de grâce. A sleepwalking person isn't conscious, so Dick didn't actually know who had hit him with the chamber pot. He had just woken up, seen Benjamin, and jumped to conclusions.

But in reality, no one had witnessed the moment Benjamin threw the chamber pot. In other words, only Benjamin's version of last night's events mattered. Even if others were suspicious, no one could prove him wrong.

If he said Dick had smashed himself with it, then Dick had smashed himself with it.

Poor Dick…

After the old lady's speech, Ikes looked like he'd been doused with a bucket of ice water, slowly realizing this point as well. He looked at Dick lying in the puddle of filth, then at the sympathetic old lady, the fighting spirit in his narrowed eyes deflating like a punctured balloon, gradually dissipating.

The other Fur family members also exchanged glances, all wearing expressions of impotent rage.

In the end, Ikes threw in the towel.

"Old Madam, Duke, we'll meet again at next month's banquet. I hope you'll be as spirited then as you are today." His voice was heavy, like a caged tiger. "We're leaving."

At his orders, the Fur family members, looking utterly defeated, began cleaning up the unconscious Dick, preparing to leave.

"Wait, how can you just leave like this? It's not proper." Unexpectedly, the old lady chose this moment to try to make them stay.

Ikes, about to walk out the door, turned around, his face filled with wariness. He didn't say a word.

"You came to our living room without knowing what was going on, brought that chamber pot with you, smashed it, and got this filth all over our living room. As a noble family, shouldn't you properly apologize to us? I'm being perfectly reasonable here, wouldn't you agree?" the old lady said slowly, not a hint of reproach in her tone, instead sounding like she was persuading with irrefutable logic.

Ikes was immediately enraged again, and the other Fur family members' faces twisted with fury.

"Old Madam, do you take us for pushovers?"

The old lady covered her mouth in surprise, the picture of innocence. "Perish the thought! I think it's a perfectly reasonable request. Just apologize and we can settle this matter privately, no need to involve the Church. Think about it, if the Pope were to hear about this incident, how would he view the Fur family? I'm just looking out for you, so you don't make fools of yourselves out there. Isn't that right?"

The moment they heard the words "the Pope", every member of the Fur family, including Ikes, blanched with dread.

And after the old lady finished speaking, the anger on their faces vanished without a trace.

If this got to the Church… Benjamin thought to himself, the Archbishop still wanted to use him, so he would definitely take his side. And in reality, the Fur family had already lost all credibility in this dispute. No one could prove Benjamin had thrown the chamber pot, so the Fur family coming here was just making baseless accusations. The Lither family's willingness to settle privately was already doing them a favor. If it reached the Church, it would certainly work in the Lither family's favor.

Benjamin understood this reasoning, and naturally, so did Ikes. He looked at the old lady, his expression morphing, until finally, it settled on a hint of bitterness:

"Old Madam, aren't you being a tad unreasonable?"

Hearing this, the old lady's eyes widened with exaggerated innocence. Suddenly, she revealed a smile that seemed to say "but of course", looking as kind and harmless as a doddering old granny from his past life who'd had her life savings swindled away by a snake oil salesman.

She said, "I'm just a nearly seventy-year-old crone, of course I'm unreasonable."

"…"

If I bring up age, you talk about reason. If I bring up reason, you talk about age.

Ikes looked like he was about to have a meltdown.