Part of her felt terrible. She didn't love him, and she knew that he loved her, and part of her thought that wasn't acceptable. But she was so sick, and he was so warm, and she could feel the fire in his heart when she leaned on him to walk down the hall to his room, the room with the real bed. He was so conflicted, so depressed, and he deserved at least one good thing after how hard he had worked to overcome the evil inside him.

He didn't question it when she shoved him against the wall, leaning heavily on him. Likely he thought she had just stumbled with the motion of the ship, because he grabbed her by the waist and tried to steady her. He seemed to think that she had fallen when she wrapped her arms around his neck.

“It's almost like we're dancing,” he laughed, trying to cheer her up, trying to lighten the sour mood he thought she had, “back in class, remember?” He took her hand and began to rock with the boat, “One, two, three, and four.”

“Tolith,” she rested her head on his shoulder, “I'm ill.”

“Right,” he said, “I'm sorry.”

“I can feel it,” She told him, “the fire in your soul. You know, the night you scried me, I thought it would hurt, to accept it, to have the earth magic flow into me. But it didn't. I... can see why people cast outside their element, why they fall prey to it so easily.”

“I'm sorry I did that,” he said, “I should have known it would hurt you.”

“It didn't, though, that's what I'm saying. It doesn't hurt like they say it does. That must be how it gets you. It seems so easy, and before you know it, your body and soul are deteriorating.”

“That's scary to think about,” he said, and Orenda noticed he hadn't moved from his position against the wall.

A silence descended over them, and she wasn't sure how to feel about the look in his eyes. It wasn't an awkward silence, not one she felt needed to be broken, as he stared at her, it seemed as if he was really seeing her, as if he was taking in a painting, committing it to memory.

“I've...” he said, as if mesmerized, “I'm sorry, it's just... your eyes are exactly the color of the tiara, and your hair is exactly the color of the crystal. It... I've... I've never seen anyone else with golden eyes, Rendy. They're so beautiful. I'm sorry, I know I... keep...”

“Toli,” She said, “You've lost everything, haven't you? I never thought you would throw it all away and go adventuring, but you have, haven't you?”

He nodded.

“You don't have to mourn your mother,” Orenda told him, “You can mourn that safety. You thought you had somewhere you could return to. You thought you had a home. It hurts to realize that you don't.”

He nodded again.

“I thought I had a home, once,” Orenda said, “At the library, with Ellie, Charles, and Susan.”

“Library?” he asked, “You never told me that.”

“The historical library,” Orenda said.

“The one that burned down?” He asked in alarm. “Did you-”

“The soldiers set the fire,” Orenda explained, “They killed them, in front of me, the only people who had ever shown me kindness. They destroyed my home. So I trapped them. I barely knew how to use magic, but I trapped them inside until I felt them die. And I wanted to care that they were dead, just as you want to care that your mother is dead. You didn't warn her. You could have stopped it, if you had tried. You didn't release the djinn. I didn't set the fire. I simply didn't let them out. I-”

“My god,” he said, “The reports said there were half a dozen-”

“There were.”

“Rendy how old-”

“I don't know. Twelve or so. It isn't important.” She said.

“It seems important. Rendy, that's horrible!”

“It doesn't matter,” Orenda said, “I'm a murderer, too. What do you think of that?”

“It should have never happened. It wasn't your fault.” He said.

“It absolutely was my fault,” She argued, “I remember it well. I decided to do it. It wasn't an accident; it wasn't my magic getting out of control; I decided to kill them.”

“I love you,” he said, and immediately seemed to regret it, “God I... I'm sorry I'm so hung up on that. I... in my head I had this thing where I was going to give you the tiara and... but you... you've never really... never needed... you're not... Rendy, when I say that you... that you're more real, I don't mean that I think other women are dolls. I mean that you don't try to be like the books in etiquette class. You've never... it's all so... none of it matters at all because sometimes you have to burn people to death because sometimes, some motherfuckers deserve to die! The world is a terrible place and we can't sit around eating teacakes and talking about textile prices!”

“I quite like teacakes,” Orenda argued, “That may actually be part of what's wrong with me. I imagine I haven't eaten enough. I had to leave in a hurry, and then I got ill on the boardwalk- oh, did I tell you that I summoned a demon?”

“There's so much I don't know about you,” he said, “And all of it's amazing!”

“Toli,” she said, “Look, let's... address this... you being in love with me thing before it gets out of hand.”

“I thought we did,” he said, and seemed as if he didn't want to have the conversation at all. “But um... let's get you inside so you can lie down.”

“Thank you,” She said, and clung to him as he opened the door.

She stepped inside his room and found it to be tiny, but well made. It had room for a desk and a bed, but not much else because it was very small, and every spare inch was covered in trunks that had been chained to the wall.

“Sorry, sorry, they're everywhere,” he said, “You're taller than me so watch your head. It's really only set up for me.”

“Toli, why are you like this?” she whined.

“I robbed the bitch blind!” he said, “I had to have somewhere to put it. It was like three carriages on the getaway caravan. Most of the rooms down here are like this.”

She stumbled onto the bed and pulled a pillow over her head in case one of the trunks fell. The motion of the ship made her nervous that it was a real possibility. She felt the bed dip beside her and knew that he had sat down.

They sat in silence like that for some time, and Orenda had decided not to breach the topic after all, and to instead try to get some sleep, but when she rolled over to tell him as much, she saw that he was half turned, looking down at her with tears in his eyes. She did not know what it was like to lose a parent, but she did know what it was like to lose the life you thought you could return to, that you thought was real, that you thought may be forever, even if you knew it wasn't true.

She thought that she would have liked to have had someone.

“Toli,” She said, and lifted one arm for him, “Come here.”

He moved slowly, but he did eventually settle into her arms. He stretched one arm under the pillow, as she had, and she let him lace their fingers together, then he wrapped the other around her waist.

If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

“I'm sorry about the library,” he said.

“I'm sorry about your family,” She said.

“Yeah,” he said, and pressed their foreheads together, “Thanks, Rendy.”

“You'll have an indention in the shape of a fire stone, doing that,” she teased, and he giggled.

“Yeah.” He sat up a little and said, softly, “You're still wearing the earrings I gave you.”

“Well the only other pair I have are from Felaern,” Orenda explained, “And I don't think I shall ever forgive him for asking me to marry him.”

Tolith's eyes widened and shook in a way that was off putting, but that Orenda felt was an understandable reaction to the news. His grip also tightened on her, and she nodded.

“Exactly,” she said, “Thank you.”

“He's like... two hundred years old!” Tolith said.

“I know, can you imagine? And I was in public, in a restaurant. We had to sit there and finish our meal after that.”

“What an asshole,” Tolith huffed, “Wonder if he's dead.”

“I didn't ask,” Orenda said, “On purpose. I don't think I want to know.”

“Oh.”

“Toli,” Orenda said.

“Yes?”

“I feel as if we're stalling and I don't know what we're expecting to happen, what it is that we're putting off. Do you?”

He blushed and looked away.

“Nothing is going to happen,” he explained, “I'm sorry, Rendy, I'm... I'm causing-”

“Did you keep that?” Orenda asked in alarm, pointing to the desk at a book so well read it wouldn't close. Penny paperbacks were not meant to be read more than once, and it looked awful, but she recognized it as The Countess and the Stablehand.

“Yeah,” he said, “I mean... you gave it to me, and-”

“Did you actually read it?” Orenda asked.

“Yeah, I read it a bunch of times. I have... critiques in some places but overall I liked it.” He pretended to be very interested in the worn cover so he wouldn't have to look at Orenda.

“Critiques?” She laughed.

“Yes,” he said, “I think some of the scenes are impractical. I don't think one should... lie on his back on the hay while a lady... I think it's impractical, for a number of reasons. I don't think the author has ever lain, nude, on a pile of hay while someone... bounced them around. It sounds more painful than romantic, honestly. The whole scene could have been improved by laying down a blanket.”

Orenda cackled and smacked him with a pillow.

“Why are you laughing? I'm right!”

“Are you?” She asked, glad the tension had been broken, “How do you know? Do you have experience? Is that what you did with Shelly?”

“Oh my god, no,” he said, “Rendy I... you forced that image into my brain and I want you to think about the scene you just painted. Can you imagine Shelly in a stable at all? First of all. Secondly can you imagine that she would ever allow herself anywhere near a haybed, even a fresh one? Thirdly, can you imagine her ever, ever...”

“Riding a dick?” Orenda asked, and Tolith threw both hands over his face to contain his laughter.

“Oh god,” he said, “It's funny because it's true. It's just... it's so not HER. She would... I imagine, I had always imagined, that she would want a room with different scents and flowers, and there would be a bed with bedcurtains drawn, and it would have to be fairly dark with only the faintest hint of candlelight or somesuch, and it would need to be over and done with quickly, and we'd be straight away to the healer to see if it 'took'. You have to produce an heir, you know.”

“That sounds about right,” Orenda agreed, “I had never given the topic any thought, but that sounds absolutely right.”

“I bet her pussy tastes like a cleaning solution,” he said after a moment's thought.

“Toli!” Orenda smacked him in the back of the head with a pillow.

“I never found out, because I ran like a bitch from that engagement. God,” he scooted back to sit next to her, “That must really be awful, mustn't it? To have someone who would rather fake his own death than marry you? At least you just have the decency to say, 'I'm not in love with you, it'll never happen.' Closure is... it has to be much nicer. She thinks I'm dead. I wonder if she's alive. I'd like to get a list of who is alive and who isn't, at some point.” He thought on it and added, “I probably shouldn't talk about not wanting to eat her out if she's dead. It seems disrespectful, like I should pretend like I did.”

“You're so stupid,” Orenda said, “that makes no sense.”

“I can't help it,” he protested, “I told you, you make me stupid. I never talk like this, ever. This isn't something I do. I'm a viscount, well bred and well trained. And then some, some...”

“Street urchin?” Orenda suggested.

“Comes along and gives me these commoner books and starts putting thoughts in my head about rolling in the hay- which is just... just unpleasant is what it is. It's a terrible idea all around.”

“Toli,” Orenda said, “Could you make me a cup of tea? My stomach really is... just won't settle. And I'm trying to make a decision, and I'd like to have a clear head.”

“Some of that ginger tea?” he asked, “Did that help you last time?”

“That would be lovely.”

She watched him walk away and reached for the book. She couldn't believe he had kept it, and as she flipped through it, she made a startling realization: he hadn't been joking. He really had, in the margins, written notes. He seemed to have treated it as a textbook, as all the notes were as practical as the one he had already told her about. He had overplanned, and she thought of him trying to dance, of how easily he fell into step when he stopped thinking about it.

Orenda had been so alone for so long. She thought that it might be nice to have someone who cared about her, even if she could not return the affection. She had read that in arranged marriages, love sometimes comes after the wedding; it's not always instant. He was certainly pretty enough, and there was no way of knowing how long they would be at sea. And he really needed someone like her, a friend, someone he was close to, who would understand his pain. But... would that really be fair to him? Should she care? Should she be upset that he was a Glenlen, that he had, for years, been complicit in the plight of the humans? He had changed his mind and joined the cause as soon as he had realized how wrong he had been, and it was important to acknowledge that people could change.

She didn't know what she should do, and it seemed a very important decision, but she didn't have anyone from whom she could solicit advice.

“Oh, god, don't look at that,” Tolith said as he came in carrying two cups of tea.

“I thought you said you were only stupid around me,” Orenda accused.

“I am, that isn't stupid at all, it's all well and practical, and if you can't see that, you're the dumb one, not me.” He argued, “Here, drink your tea.”

“They actually all are quite well and practical,” Orenda said as she continued flipping pages and reading his notes, “You sound quite experienced.”

“I've never had sex with anyone, Rendy. That's really the beginning and end of that conversation. But it's not exactly the most difficult thing in the world, so I think my notes are valid. It seems rather easy to figure out if you study biology. Which I have. You know I was good at it.”

“I know that you'll ramble to no end if no one interrupts you,” She sipped her tea.

“I'm nervous. I was already upset and this... this conversation makes me nervous.”

“Don't be nervous,” she said, staring into the tea. “I was just... thinking. We're friends, aren't we? We've been friends. I wouldn't have wanted to hurt you so badly, if I hadn't cared, when I thought you were dead and it turns out you were only a liar.”

“I like to think so,” He said, sipping his tea and watching her.

“Well,” Orenda said, “We... we may be at sea a while and I'm... I'm so very ill, Toli, you have no idea... and you're lonely and upset, and perhaps we could... try to make it work.”

“I don't want to do that,” he said instantly, with such conviction that it confused her. He caught her expression and continued, “I don't want to be some... mockery of a boyfriend. I've done that once. If I ever have another relationship, I want it to be real for everyone.”

The silence was heavy this time, and they both felt it.

“We really can just be friends,” he said, “I won't make it weird. I mean... it's weird now, but once this weirdness dissipates, then I won't make it weird again.”

“Would you like to kiss me?” She asked.

“Oh god so much- why would you ask me that?” He snapped as if it had made him angry.

“Because we're both alone, Toli, and we don't have to be. It doesn't have to be real if we never say it is. I like... I think of things, often, and they... they aren't real if you never say they are.”

“Right,” he said, “Like... you're not a real princess. And I'm not a real adventurer.”

She nodded.

“But I am a real adventurer, princess,” he said, “this is my real ship, and this is my real life, and I can never go back to pretending it isn't real. This is me now, because Viscount Glenlen is dead, and Toli the explorer is all that's left. It has to be real for me now. Everything has to be real.”

“Then what am I?” Orenda asked.

“You're a Knight of Order,” He said, “You're an adventurer, too. And we're both going to find a pirate, and we're going to ask him why he abandoned his daughter, and why he killed my father.”

“I'm going to ask him where the temple of the fire elves is,” Orenda said, “I suppose I didn't tell you what my actual mission was. Captain Nochdifache is older than the colony. He knows where it is, so we won't need an expedition. And in that temple, there is a staff, a weapon of the gods, that calls out to me in my dreams.”

“Is that the one the djinn said not to trust?” Tolith asked.

“I'm not going to trust it,” Orenda explained, “I'm going to use it to murder the Emerald Knight.”

She was shocked when Tolith, despite everything he had said, and in complete defiance of logic, leaned in and kissed her.