Deacon awoke to see daylight, but it took a few moments before he could make sense out of anything else. The next thing he was aware of was the cold, it was freezing outside, and he was lying flat on the cold ground. He tried to stand, preparing himself for the pain from several injuries from the previous night, as the events began to replay in his mind. Only surprisingly there was little pain, only the cold wind blowing on his skin. Deacon looked down and gasped. The cold wind was blowing on his mostly naked skin.
“What the hell?” He muttered. “What happened?”
He didn’t remember getting drunk, so how could he have blacked out like this? He was now in an alley, and it looked like he was still somewhere downtown, judging by the traffic he heard and caught a glimpse of at the other end of the alley. The only thing that was still on his body were a few scraps of ripped clothing. Part of one of his socks, ripped open at the heel and toe, and a single sleeve still hung on his forearm, and besides a few threads, that was it. He was now royally screwed, it was daylight in the middle of downtown Chicago, and he was naked.
Deacon next realized how much his stomach hurt again. He thought he was over whatever strange rabies sickness or whatever had caused, but maybe not. This was different though, his stomach hurt like he had overeaten by an extreme amount. But he did not remember eating anything at the club, so it didn’t make any sense. He started making his way down the alley to try and get his bearings but suddenly threw up violently. It was a gross experience, it looked like at least three pounds of raw meat came out and splattered across the ground. Feeling a little lighter, Deacon quickly moved on.
The naked man moved to the edge of the alley and cautiously peaked out. There was an iron gate at the end of this little dumpster alley, with sharp metal points at the top on the vertical bars. Between and beyond the bars of the gate he saw a wide-open alley and parking lot with a handful of about seven dispersed cars parked near the backdoors of the buildings. They all seemed empty, for now at least, and he could not see or hear anyone else in the parking alley. But as he looked up there were several buildings surrounding the square alley and they were lined with dozens and dozens of windows going straight up into the sky, each of which represented a possible pair of eyes on him.
Deacon looked left and saw the main street at the end of the entrance to this alley, a parking garage across the street. When he looked right there were several blue dumpsters lined up against a building with ivy clinging to the walls and a fire escape wrapping up and up high into the sky on the outside of the building. He then spotted the entrance to the alley in that direction, and a gothic church across the street. No wait, he recognized the churchlike building, it was a Catholic seminary school, so that has to be Chestnut…he spun around the other way towards the parking garage. That had to be Delaware. He was just about a block away from the Four Seasons.
But Deacon remembered quickly, he was also stark naked in the daytime in the high-class Magnificent Mile area of Chicago. If anyone saw him, he had no doubt he’d be arrested and thrown in jail as a looney and a pervert. What kind of person ran around naked downtown? He did apparently, though he had no idea why or for that matter, where his clothes were or when he’d lost them. He moved alongside a dumpster to hide from the opening to the main street as several people walked by. He then took the partial sleeve off and started trying to think of a way to make a loincloth out of it. Even though it would be extremely embarrassing, perhaps if he could at least cover his private parts, he could get to the hotel and avoid indecent exposure charges. Getting booked and arrested naked would put a perfect pin on this horrible week.
Try as he might, there just was not enough cloth there to cover front and back. He came at the problem from several different angles but kept coming up with the same results. A lightbulb went off in his head, and he moved it to hide his face like a bandanna instead. The naked cab driver took a deep breath after tying the cloth around the bottom of his face, and prepared himself for the depths of stupidity he was about to commit.
There were not many alleys and parking areas in between the buildings in this area of the city. There were a few parking garages lining the streets, but mostly it was just storefronts and buildings and busy streets choked with traffic and sidewalks filled with people. Absolutely nowhere to hide.
Deacon leaned out from between the buildings and looked upon the busy street. He knew there was nothing else to be done here except to take the plunge and dive in headfirst. It was cold and beginning to snow, and the longer he stayed out in the elements, the worse it was going to be for him. In the very least if a police officer picked him up like this, he would be taken to a heated jail cell.
The naked cabbie decided to go for it, wincing at the group of women that were walking down the sidewalk towards the alley. He bolted out into the open, daylit sidewalks and started pumping his legs for all that they were worth. His brain decided to get an old song stuck in his head at that point, Baltimora’s Jungle Boy. Deacon had never been a strong runner, which was the whole reason he’d had to learn to fight as a child. The women gasped as a naked man wearing one torn sock and a bandanna erupted from the alleyway and pushed their way past them.
“Oh God, what is happening?” One of them exclaimed.
“I’m not sure!” Deacon returned as he pushed by and continued down the street, his breath coming out in cold plumes of steam under the bandanna.
“Oh my God!” Came a scream from across the street.
“What the fuck?” He heard someone else yell.
“Fuck you pervert!” Another woman yelled at him.
Geez, Deacon thought, he certainly was no Fabio model, but he was in decent enough shape, he still had a little definition in his abdomen muscles. He was not any happier about the situation than the people that were now forced to see his naked body, but was it really that unpleasant?
Deacon ran past the crowds, his face beet red underneath the makeshift bandanna, and glanced back once to see that a few men apparently had taken it upon themselves to bring the streaker to citizens justice as they were chasing close behind.
After just a few minutes of running top speed, Deacon began to feel the effects of his lack of focus on physical fitness the last few years of his life. A painful stitch in his side quickly turned from a pinch to a full-blown blow to his stomach. Heat rose up inside as well as an acid taste that suddenly filled his mouth. A stream of vomit came out next without his consent. Deacon managed to turn his head and lifted the bandana, not slowing down for a moment and managed to avoid his own vomit stream erupting from his stomach. His two pursuers, one of them much more physically fit than him and had almost overtaken the streaker, was not so lucky.
The two pursuers both stopped their chase momentarily to wipe the chunky vomit from their faces. By then Deacon picked up the pace, straining the limits of his lungs to outpace the followers, cursing all the cigarettes he had smoked and wishing he had one at the same time. He quickly came upon the front entrance to the hotel. He crossed the street in between two cars, the drivers of which were giving him dirty looks, and then dove through a crowd of people gathered in front of the hotel.
Someone from one of the cars began screaming incoherently at him, the small group screamed and leapt away, one man actually took off running down the street as if the young man had threatened him with a gun. Two middle-aged women fainted, and another began screaming hysterically as though she’d seen some eldritch terror from beyond the galaxy’s edge that strained the limits of her sanity.
Deacon pushed through the glass doors and was now standing inside the lavish lobby of one of Chicago’s most elite hotels. Naked. On one hand, he was thankful to be inside, but this presented a new sort of embarrassment to confront. He paused for a moment to decide what to do next before bolting like a maniac towards the hall that held the elevators. There was a young well-to-do couple checking into the hotel at that very unfortunate moment and did not notice the naked man until he came up behind them and continued past. The receptionist at the front counter seemed to freeze in shock at what he saw, and Deacon was already past him before he heard the man screaming for him to stop. When he did not, he next heard the man quickly calling for security. The young couple simply gasped and shielded their eyes.
Deacon made it to the elevators and thankfully the hallway was mostly devoid of people, except for one janitor at the other end of the hall that didn’t even notice him. He reached the call button for the elevator and began frantically mashing the button. He heard the screams of several people coming from behind him and quickly gaining.
Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.
“C’mon, c’mon!” Deacon yelled at the elevator, as if showing it his frustration would hurry the process.
There was a pleasant ding as the light above the doors turned on. He was then face to face with two middle-age rich women, who were most certainly not expecting the doors to open upon a naked man. They froze in place as he saw the first of the security guards coming around the corner.
“C’mon! Get the fuck out!” Deacon ran into the elevator hunched over slightly with his arms raised at right angles while shaking his head and making noises by rolling his tongue. He did everything he thought a pervert or a monster hiding under a child’s bed would do and they quickly fled the elevator for their lives while shrieking frantically.
Deacon dove for the button marked 34 and started pressing the close door button repeatedly.
“Stop you punk!” Came a growl from mere steps away as the doors began to close. The two older women stood pointing accusatory fingers towards the elevator for the security guards coming down the hall.
An entire host of security guards reached the doors just in time to see them closing. The naked masked man within holding out a middle finger salute was the last thing that they saw as the metal doors closed and the elevator lifted into the heavens.
* * * *
Deacon careful looked left and right after the doors opened. He breathed a sigh of relief, the hallways were mercifully empty, though he had no doubt that security was even now on their way using either the elevators or stairs or even both.
He made his way down the hallway at a skipping pace, desperate to get a little further, for he could now see Zoe’s room halfway down the long hall. He was sure at this point that he was probably the first person to streak successfully through this hotel as his eyes passed over the various artwork and paintings on the walls.
Just before Deacon made it to Zoe’s room, a door opened a little further down the hall as he was passing it. A maid came out, stunned at first at what she saw but then smiled and openly sized him up. Deacon shook his head and reached the door he was seeking, keeping his attention locked down the hall at the stairwell and elevator entrances as he began pounding on the door. The minutes ticked by uncomfortably long with no response.
“Hey, come back, the room is empty!” The maid shouted back at him.
Deacon looked back once and ignored her, as he continued to slap Zoe’s door for all he was worth.
“Hey! Open up! Hurry!” He shouted as he pounded as hard as he could.
Deacon glanced again towards the elevators nervously, knowing that they could be seconds behind. But then he pressed his ear against the door as he heard something behind it.
“Go away! This room is do not disturb!” Came the voice from the other side. He recognized the spoiled California accent. It was Zoe’s voice!
“Zoe! Open up it’s Deacon!”
“I don’t know any D-con. Go away!”
“No it’s me, the cabbie!”
There was an uncomfortably long pause, one that literally made him squirm knowing that at any moment security or even the police might appear out of those elevators. Finally, he received a response, though not the one he was expecting.
“Oh right, now you come back! Fuck you, jerk. Go away!”
“No really, I need you to open the door! Please…look I didn’t mean to leave you there, just open up and let me explain!”
“I said go away. I’m done with you, pig.”
He heard the elevator ding.
“Please!” Deacon pleaded through the door, pressing his cheek against it. “Listen to me I need you to open the door now! I found a lead!”
There was another pause and the voice on the other side of the voice came from much closer to the door this time.
“Are you for real? I mean, you aren’t just like, playing around or something?”
Deacon saw several security guards step off the elevator and begin looking around.
“I’m totally serious! Open the fuckin’ door!” Deacon’s voice turned urgent.
“Okay, okay.”
The door opened just as one of the security guards down the hall spotted him. As soon as the door unlatched Deacon pushed it open, knocking her aside. He slammed the door behind him and latched it quickly.
“Ohmigawd! What. The. Fuck?!” Zoe closed her eyes and waved one hand in wild signs of aversion while shielding her eyes with the other. Deacon took the makeshift bandanna off and ran past her into the bedroom.
There came an insistent knock on the door just then as Deacon came out wearing one of the hotel bath robes.
“Who is at the door now?” Zoe whispered to Deacon.
“Security.” He whispered back.
“Oh gawd, did you run through the entire hotel naked, you moron?” She hissed.
“Shhh. Play along” Deacon opened the door and saw several angry security guards glaring at him.
“Busted pal. Come with us.” One of them reached out to grab Deacon, and the Southside in him came out. He managed to hook his foot behind the larger guard’s leg while pushing him over. The man fell comically to the ground.
“Unhand me creep!” Deacon acted offended in his best impression of a rich kid, changing his voice to reflect what he thought a rich guy sounded like. “What is the meaning of this?”
“Don’t play dumb…” Another guard still standing replied. Ironically something in his voice made him seem incredibly dumb. “We followed you here.”
“What do you mean followed me? I’ve been enjoying a good sex session with my highly attractive famous girlfriend for most of the morning.” He turned to where she stood, just to the side of the door, ironically dressed like she had indeed just been roused from bed with her tousled hair and sleepy eyes. “Right babydoll?”
Zoe came around the corner, her eyes staring icy daggers into his.
“Yes, that’s right, we’ve been engaged in a sex session.” She replied robotically.
“That’s right, we love our sex sessions, don’t we honey?” Deacon laughed in a yuppie manner. “Huzzah for the intercourse am I right?” He thrust his finger on one hand through the circle he made with his finger and thumb on the other. Zoe frowned at this, having to fight gagging.
Most of the security guards weren’t paying close attention to their words at that point, but were rather staring at the young woman’s long, toned legs in her short robe.
“Well, I think you love them a little more.” She laughed falsely. “They tend to end too quickly for me to notice.”
Deacon laughed again. “Well maybe if you weren’t so stiff all the time, we’d both enjoy it more.” He turned towards the guards. “Really I feel like a necrophiliac sometimes, knowwhut’msayin’ fellas?”
Zoe’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Maybe I just need…more of an incentive to get a proper rise out of me.” She eyed the nearest security guard over six feet like a plate of lasagna.
They both laughed falsely in each other’s faces while their eyes scowled at one another. Deacon turned quickly to the guards, still standing in the doorway trying to make out the scene that was playing out in front of them.
“Well guys, it looks like it’s time for another red-hot sex session. The little lady is a real tiger, and I can see in her eyes she’s ready for more…she just can’t get enough of the sex. Buh-bye!” He flung the door closed in their faces. To his relief they did not begin knocking again, but slowly turned away, puzzled by the strange display they had just seen.
“Can you tell me what the hell is going on here?” Zoe wheeled around on him, shoving him away from her.
“I guess that means no sex session?” Deacon remarked only half-jokingly.
“Ew, no. You wish! What is all this?”
“I wish I could tell you. I found some guys in the basement last night that definitely knew something, and I tried to provoke them. The next thing I knew I woke up naked in a little parking alley down the street.”
Zoe looked him over and cocked an eyebrow.
“And you ran all the way up here naked? Through the streets?” She began laughing hysterically.
“No. Well, I had the little bit of cloth for a mask.” Deacon looked back at her sullenly. “What else was I supposed to do? Try to hail a cab naked? Beg a stranger walking around Michigan Avenue for some clothes?”
Zoe smiled like a cat who had a mouse in its paw as the pieces began falling into place.
“You are so lucky I opened the door. You would totally have been arrested as some sexual pervert!”
“Yeah probably.” Deacon walked back further into the hotel room. “Do we still have some clothes here that will fit me? I need to get the cab back for the day.”
Zoe shook her head, contemplating the last twenty-four hours she had known this crazy young man.
“You know, you might be the craziest cab driver I’ve ever met.”
“And you’re definitely the most trouble I’ve ever went through for a freakin’ girl.”
“For a freaking girl?” She repeated offendedly. “You still don’t have any idea who I am! I don’t believe this! I am Zoe Waters…I am not just another girl to you, little boy. At least not like any girl you would associate with. Men all over the world would gladly bow down and worship at my feet, do you understand?”
“Yeah, I do understand.” Deacon stopped searching the room and came over to face the impetuous girl. “And that’s the problem. Men kiss your ass just cause you got a pair of tits and no one’s ever told you no. Hence, you’ve become used to being an annoying brat!”
Zoe crossed her arms and took a deep breath to retaliate but could not form the words to do so. She had never been spoken to by anyone like that before. Not her parents who pushed her into stardom in her early teens, not her manager or agent or the photographers or makeup artists who constantly fussed over her appearance. And certainly not the legions of horny young men that persistently pursued her, willing to go to any lengths to even get her attention for the briefest of moments.
“Y’know? You really are the rudest, most clueless man I’ve ever met.” She closed her eyes and raised her chin haughtily.
“Join the club sister, you ain’t the first to tell me that. Won’t be the last either” Deacon barked back in a rough voice as he began searching for his clothes.
She watched him for a few moments, trying to process the emotions swirling through her body at that moment. She cocked her head and pointed.
“Your clothes. You left them in there when you changed last night.” She pointed towards the bedroom.
“Right on.” Deacon ignored her. Maybe the first man that had ever done so since she reached adolescence. He ignored her and walked into the other room.
Zoe fought hard against the sudden urge to follow him in there.