"If you knew me, you’d know that I’m afraid of the dark because…" I can’t say that.

If you knew me…

Such a simple phrase of four words, I thought as I contemplated it over in front of the group consisting of five junior class students of 2018. It is expected to be the challenge that builds a bridge made of trust, accepting that these people would keep to themselves the raw truth of your past. The hard blow -these individuals barely aged seventeen years old.

It wasn’t the mistrust in the faces in front of me that day, it was just trust in general. Stones were only pebbles between sand, marked unimportant by the feet that step on them. Stone... my crowned name and the legacy I would leave behind at Bloomfield Gymnasium. Somehow, it was a name to be feared. It was how things were at BG, once someone important gave you a name, it would remain forever. Imagine the cruelty for people who weren’t that lucky to have received such, what was considered an honouree reputation claim. “Stone,” however had no honour but echoed with cries of fear -and for some twisted reason, my existence was the epitome of just that.

I wasn’t always as stone cold as everyone described me; it was simply the chills of life that brought me terror during every night. At twelve, my first lesson of true cruelty came at the hand of my gymnastics doctor -literally. That tragedy taught me how to manage being completely in control, and if they knew me, they would know my eight biggest struggles, but I wasn’t about to confess them. As I stare at the faces dying to uncover the mystery, to know the truth from the many stories circling the halls as I walk them every day -I curse my parents in the back of my head... This was all their doing.

Three days consisted of student building, a bunch of “If You Knew Me’s” and activities that everyone would rather ignore -Valentine’s month was surfacing. It was clear principal Johnson, and I arrived at the same time more or less -he obviously wasn’t sharp on matters amongst the students -yet it was no rocket science that high school was hard -and to most of us, trying to stay alive was the main goal. Sharing your darkest secrets, was not making it any easier. He probably thought his actions good and sensible, and I guess in some ways it was -though it was The Valentine Formal that really brought hope that high school might be one day less miserable, even to people like me, who would never attend such feeble and desperate teenage pleasantries -not even in a life-or-death situation.

School started at eighth o’clock sharp, the first bell rang at ten minutes to eight -scattering everyone to their lockers in preparation for first period. I was always late. It was a choice Anastasia Fraser and Clary George had made on my behalf, in hopes we’d be cool enough to attract Auden Drew’s attention whom I noticed were very punctual.

She was what a classic chick flick would describe as the queen bee of high school fame. I didn’t know much about her; I was a military brat who never stayed around long enough to nurture actual friendships or a boyfriend. Despite its leading to a lack in social enjoyment -it sat well by me. I liked having friends as just a passing phase, it meant I got to be whatever I wanted without them knowing all the details of my life before them. It was not in me to trust people, nothing personal, just my cautious nature.

Auden Drew is the type of girl I wouldn’t talk to if it weren’t for the sake of participating in principal Johnson’s self-righteous act, my mom finally settling for the housewife role and my dad on a mission to build a legacy. They decided that we should give the domestic lifestyle a chance and that meant no moving ever again. This rapid decision was spitefully made while I spend the entire school break exiled to a mental health clinic, which prided itself for being a “positive health resort” for fucked up teenagers like me -and to add to all that, I came home to a fresh start. This, all to my overprotective brother Wiley’s advantage. He wasn’t so open to the life my parents previously dragged us through; he made sure everyone knew how happy he was that they finally decided to buy an actual house, though too much space for only four people -we now refer to it as home.

Home, friends, trying and not trying to impress the most popular girl in school -all new entities in my life -all of which I had to grow with. It meant one single place would see my first boyfriend and insensible teenage heartbreak which brought anxiety and fear that I had to settle for myself. I had to be open to trust, tips from therapy -and perhaps principal Johnson had executed this MTV-inspired exercise for these kinds of purposes. How do you start to open up to trust and show people who you really are when you have no damn clue who that person is? My therapist would call this progress, to me this is a shit show, adults act like they know what’s best for children to hide the fact that they too have no idea how to handle life…

Wiley on the other hand, had himself figured out -he too was always late and shared the mutual mindset as my friends, to never be on time although not for the same purposes, he was calculated and knew exactly how to make himself the centre of someone else’s universe. He didn’t have to impress anyone to gain himself an honourable social position -he fit like a glove. While I was locked up, he got to enjoy his life in the private, elite neighbourhood of Bloomfeild and became friends with the Cuthbert triplets who acted like my brother was theirs. On our first day of school, his brand-new model Volkswagen Tiguan our dad had imported for him; had spoken his fate. He was tall and not too muscular, just enough to get him noticed. He was, at once by Jae Starling, the star athlete of the school’s basketball team, the BG Jaguars. Surprisingly, he didn’t date Auden Drew, and had never before, in fact, he was hung up by a mystery girl he met during his trip to Italy, which was a lie that only I knew because I’m quite sure the mental health clinic wasn’t located in Italy. He was all right, someone wise enough to not start something with a military brat like Wiley who’d so obviously punch him lights out if he had to. Their friendship started with a simple, “Hey man, nice ride… Burchart, right?”

-and somehow, the way he had pronounced our surname sounded humourless when addressed to Wiley. I’ve worn the burden of the mockery fake farts while pronouncing our surname. Wiley owned Burchart; it didn’t own him. I, on the other hand, was a girl and at first, travelling and moving around didn’t always have an easy pass. I learned to master the technique of adapting, but Archintra felt different or perhaps it was the wealth polluted air of the gated neighbourhood they chose for us, just something about Bloomfeild was no fit for me.

Wiley and Jae became inseparable since day one and within the second week of adjusting to the domestic lifestyle -I ignored them gradually. Mainly because I was afraid Jae might recognise me since I had simple guidelines -keep to myself, ignore the popular kids, stay away from the cafeteria at all costs, never interact with any of my brother’s friends and never fall for any guy. It didn't matter that I remember him from the past -Jae was both popular and my brother’s friend -he was always nice to me and by not returning the good moral, he crowned me stone cold and after that Stone just stuck -making it the first time I actually laughed at any notion he made -not knowing that from that moment, it manifested so much more than just my legacy.

My guidelines became hard to follow -Clary introduced herself to me in History on the last day of my first week, where I sat next to Graeme Yorkley -a boy considered a big no by my now, self-entitled best friends. Clary invited me to lunch on the following Monday and since Wiley forced me to sit with him and his jock friends if I didn’t open myself up to any friendships -I accepted Clary’s offer.

Clary had influence in places that made her tolerable to most of Bloomfeild royalty but not popular enough to get invited to a party thrown by the Cuthbert triplets, Aaron, Lizzie, and Liv who were close friends with Kat, who happens to be Auden's best friend. Most days I want to strangle her, but I remind myself that I'm giving the friend-thing a chance again -and besides, Clary was a valuable asset -I needed her to see that but first I had to get Auden out of her head...

I met Anastasia who went by Stasi, the lesser version of Clary, well only in her absence. Stasi was a charming girl that easily attracted attention and didn't need Clary when it came to popularity and earned more respect from everyone just by being herself. She was Clary's complete opposite and unlike any girl I met before, it was an understatement to say that there was never a dull moment around her, she always had something to say and constantly rendered on about being a love-craved, sad depressed girl. You would never think that Stasi would know the word depressed, but there was more to her than the ray of sunshine she brings -the way she observes, calculates then act -was evident to me that she too wore a mask -and the mystery behind the real Anastasia Frasher, fascinated me. I understood the things she would randomly talk in the absence of Clary, who always reminded her of how she never made sense and their main focus -planning on how to spend their remaining high school years alongside Auden.

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“Kayetana!?” The guidance counsellor, Miss Donahue spoke.

Only in that moment did I realize the piece of paper inside my hand was blank. There were so much I could have said, so much I longed for someone other than my family to know. My eyes darted around the circle, five bodies whom if considered socially had nothing in common, nervous to share an actual piece of information about themselves they didn’t tell anyone else. As soon as they did, they would become that person and the image they had worked hard to contain, would vanish forever. I haven't been at BG long, but I understood that, so I did as my reputation proclaimed...

"It's Kaye..."  I grab my bag as I correct Miss Donahue. I keep my focus on the gym door ahead of me, ignoring Miss Donahue’s indistinct calling. I retrieve my maze as I strut my way to the doors guarded by Coach Byrd.

"Do not engage, if you do you leave me no choice but to defend myself, I’m well within my rights." Coach reaches for the maze and without hesitation I press the button and release the burning toxins all over his face. I hear chaos erupt behind me as Coach crumbles in agony at my feet. The once quiet gym echoes with shock of my vile manners. In my defence, I did warn him and yet he still chose to attack first. I stare at him one last time and seeing him in pain on his knees in his stupid Worlds Gymnasium jacket, takes me five years back and I realize that my act of violence was more personal than out of necessity to uphold a reputation -though he wasn't the one I wanted to release my anger on, I can't deny that it felt good.

I cautiously step over him and head out, but my victory is short lived as footsteps pace behind me, I turn around quickly ready to use my maze -a shocked Graeme halts..."Not trying to stop you" his words roam down the empty hall... Than principal Johnson’s voice echoes and we could hear footsteps approach vigorously. I throw the maze back into my bag, then Graeme takes me by the hand and shoves me gently into the janitor’s supply closet. Our bodies press up against each other and out of embarrassment, I turn my face away... I feel his chest and slow hot breath brush against my ear -and usually, I would go into self-defence mode and use the tactics my dad taught me but somehow, I felt willingly paralyzed. He smelled like English Blazer and his breath like cannabis, it made my skin crawl and my stomach twist.

We didn’t speak, our breathing being the only audible thing inside the cluttered, dark space. I wondered if he knew me and if he heard all the stupid stories told by lying tongues, I guess he would now since I mazed the coach and proved everyone right. It felt strange wanting a boy to know my name and even more so, betrayed by my own teenage hormones that made all the blood rush to my face.

It was a peculiar feeling to have butterflies in my stomach, twisting and turning my insides out. In that moment -I knew it couldn't be a crush -it was a moment of weakness that made me think that I felt an attraction to Graeme Yorkley.

Strung high on the moment and the hot space lingering between our skin, suddenly brought Clary’s horrific scream if ever she was to know of that very moment. I clear my throat, replacing the intense moment with awkwardness -principal Johnson had already passed the closet and we had both heard it clearly and I guess, just like me, Graeme wanted to keep that awkward position for a bit... I turn my head and look up to meet his eyes -and like an electric bolt, I could feel an instant connection to him...

"Stay away from me." His words is coated with fire and my heart stops for a split second.

I had never felt such intense emotions and rejection all at once, never before actually, and I didn't even put myself out there. It was enough to remind me of who I was -guarded and wise. He pushes the door open and continues ahead. I knew my cheeks were red, I wasn’t sure whether it was out of shame or embarrassment, maybe both. I don’t know if it were the dominating air of Valentine’s month that made me feel sentimental all of a sudden -but the one thing I was sure of, was the hate I instantly developed for Graeme...

Then, it dawned on me that I went for longer than three minutes into a dark room without it sending me into complete insanity -but optimism was never my strong suite, because no matter what, they were always there, my worst nightmare and I'm left to remember the strong hands of my dad’s friends reaching in between my thighs and forcing them open... I feel ashamed.

As the chaos at school fades behind me, I barely notice Stasi pull up next to me. She honks and I feel the familiar knot of anxiety slightly loosening upon seeing her. We drive in silence and exchange goodbyes as she drops me off at the familiar phoenix-engraved gates that lead to the quiet home offering a fragile sense of safety—always tenuous. Still reeling from the tension inside that dark closet and the maze incident, I walked the path leading home in a daze, my thoughts an unbearable jumble of anger and confusion. The empty house greets me like a silent judge, reminding me that peace is as fleeting as trust.

It had been long since I was all by myself—my family had the need to babysit me despite me telling them that it wasn't needed. I didn't mind being alone; it was mandatory for days like these when I could simply scream from my lungs for no apparent reason without having to explain why. I needed to relax and not think about the dreadful consequences of my actions when my parents get home.

I slip out of my shoes and get rid of my uniform skirt in the process as I make my way to the kitchen. My mom left a note on the fridge about lasagne in the oven and her whereabouts. It was way too weird for me, coming home to cooked meals and notes on the fridge—and now my mom having girl time with friends. Over the course of the passing weeks, I learned from Stasi that this weekly endeavour was mainly focused on gossip, planning on how the wives could contribute to keeping the rest of Archintra out of Bloomfield, and afterwards shopping for date night, a tradition my parents now incorporated into their weekly lives.

I take out the lasagne and sit down at the counter, scrolling through the page Clary made for me, deeming it highly important to have social media. My followers were growing one after the other, which was odd to me at first, but then I remembered the incident with Coach, and I knew it was only because no one knew a single thing about me. The fact that I would dare to maze the Coach Director spoke new volumes and proved how Wiley and I were polar opposites. I didn't feel bad actually, just annoyed by the fact that people didn't respect privacy.

It was no surprise that my brother was a charmer; he didn't even have to try, it came naturally. He used to be a basketball player but later found that as the Burchart legacy would proclaim, he traded it for football, which he was great at. Sometimes I feel like it's the only thing that keeps him sane from our reality... the haunting past.

I hear a splash coming from the swim room, and immediately I’m traumatized, I can only recall the worst day of my life... The splash of water brings into consideration that Wiley might have skipped his private practice. Cautiously, I make my way back to the living room to where my pants lay on the floor, but before I could manage them on, I hear the obvious clearing of a throat. I freeze frantically, and turn around slowly, finding the sight of Jae Starling standing with his back turned to me...

It feels like the moment passes in slow motion as I struggle to pull my skirt back on. Shame floods my cheeks, but I can't help but stare. He's in nothing but his swim shorts, every muscle outlined and glistening as water drips from his wet hair, tracing a path that scorches in places too shameful to admit aloud. The version of him I remember from when we were both locked up comes rushing back—I can almost smell the summer air and feel the hot sun on my skin, longing for those days when we would sit together in comforting silence.

Disgust churns in my stomach. How could I think and feel these emotions? I'm not supposed to be burning with desire for anyone, especially not for him now that he doesn’t recognize me, now that he is my brother’s best friend. But how do I explain this to myself? The shame is overwhelming, a bitter taste in my mouth, as I grapple with my conflicting feelings.

"I'm sorry... didn't mean to scare you. Your mom let me in..."

"The fuck, Beatrice... why the fuck not be a damaging bitch." I cuss under my breath, embarrassed that he'd seen my naked secret. "You can turn around."

When he turns to face me, I avoid his eyes. How was I ever going to face him again? "In her defence, she thought you were going to be at the assembly for the juniors, which ended with that unfortunate incident when you walked out... but don't worry, I won’t tell, and I can come back when Wiley gets here. They were supposed to be here ten minutes ago."

Great! The last thing I needed was my brother having an indoor pool party in the middle of the week. I knew it was the first step in the process of retaliation whenever he suspects a possible relocation, but it seems this has become a norm for my brother and his friends. In fact, when I was released from the clinic, it was my welcoming party, which ended with silence once everyone laid eyes on me—that still seems weird to me, even to this day.

I fumble with my hair, desperate to stimulate the awkwardness I felt. "No, it's cool, or whatever... I'll be in my room, trusting that you would keep him away from it."

The only way to my room was passing him. I have been here before with my dad's friends, and the anxiety of not knowing Jae that well was warning me against it. I should learn from the past, but I didn't want to draw attention to it, so I walk normally and try not to brush against him. Suddenly, I feel Jae's hand on my stomach. A jolt of electricity courses through my entire body, and I hold my breath, tensed.

It should be familiar, but there's a combination of lust and shame that immediately follows. My mind is processing this differently now. I should know what happens next, but Jae reaches for my chin. I don't flinch, yet I feel my face flushing crimson red. I wasn't terrified by the past reviving—I was terrified for what I wanted him to do next or what I wanted to do next.

Jae, even if he doesn’t recognize me, never fails to show me a gentleness I didn't know existed. He provides a sense of comfort that makes me feel completely naked and vulnerable, wanting him like I never did before. Perhaps it was the incident with Graeme that made me want to feel wanted, or perhaps it was deeper. Maybe I wanted Jae to remember me from the month we spent comforting each other’s demons.

He lifts my head, our eyes meet, and I know life as I know it is about to change again. His eyes are compassionate, kind, and hold so many questions I knew I wasn't ready for—a situation not meant for me.

"Am I making you uncomfortable by being here? I will go."

I shake my head no, too wildly than what I intended, and his hand drops from my stomach.

“It’s clear that you’re lying, so I’ll just come back when the others get here.”

“I don’t want you to leave.” I gulp, practically shouting those words, but it was true. For the first two weeks, I missed those therapy sessions. I missed him.

Jae looks mortified, and for a moment he’s completely speechless. His eyes are fixed on mine, and the close proximity of our lips becomes alarmingly obvious to me. I know better, or at least I should, but somehow, I want him to be my voluntary first kiss.

“Kayetana…” he hisses in a low breath, then pulls away. “We shouldn’t… I’m your brother’s best friend, and he’s the only person I can trust right now. We shouldn’t betray his trust.”

Jae distances himself from me, and I feel like a complete idiot. At least now I know, whatever was left unsaid back at the mental clinic was one-sided. Maybe he does remember and chose not to because of Wiley. I should’ve known better.

***Meanwhile, across town, Wiley's summer memories lingered like ghosts...***