They told me that it wouldn't hurt so bad as time passes. They were lying. They told me she would only be in the hospital for a few weeks. They were lying. She told me she only had one or two drinks. She was lying. I promised her that I would finish college and move to Europe. I was lying. Life is just a series of lies, loss and letdowns. It's so dumb to still not be over this but here I am. People have sympathy for only so long. I'm not even sure if it is really sympathy or if they just go through the motions of caring because it is the socially acceptable thing to do. After a couple months they just expect you to behave as if your entire life hadn't changed. Professors expect you to have assignments done on time. Your job that sent you a "We're Sorry For Your Loss" card a week after it happened isn't so understanding of your performance. 

  Heather passed away August 12th 2018 and was buried August 16th 2018. It was closed casket because her body was too mangled. But it didn't matter that I couldn't see her. My best friend was there. Her family and everyone who ever knew her was there. Every conversation was about her. "It's so sad that this happened." "I was just talking to her the other day." "She was such a smart young lady." She may have been dead but she was there. We promised that which ever one of us dies first. The other would go to the funeral dressed in bright pink. I guess I lied again because I wore a dark blue dress. Her parents asked me to give a eulogy but couldn't do it. I've never been one for public speaking but public speaking knowing that at any moment you'll start crying is something I have no interest in doing. Any time I've ever had to speak at the podium for church. I always just looked at Heather in the crowd and pretended I was giving this speech directly to her and no one else. It was the only way I could get through it. She would always smile and give me a thumbs up and when I was done speaking she would stand up, clap and say "woo Chloe!" 

  I still look for her in the crowd. Sometimes when I'm walking through the city and see someone wearing the same color hat as her I feel hopeful for a moment and then fall apart. I've gotten good at falling apart without showing it. I can fall apart multiple times in one conversation and no one would ever know. It hurts so much to see things like that because I was always bumping into Heather. It's like we were magnetically drawn to each other. I'd be out getting  lunch and hear "Chloe!" I'd turn around and she'd be standing there waving to me excitedly. Or I'd see her and shout "Heather!" and wave to her. Normally I would be too shy to do something that would bring so much attention to myself but when she was around it was like I was free. It didn't matter what people thought of me. I could sing karaoke. I could dance on top of a table. She was a beautiful girl with long light brown hair. She was athletic and smart. Outgoing but also very personable. I always told her "I want to be YOU when I grow up." Grow up. She never got to grow up. 

  She only got 21 years. She spent so much time studying and volunteering so she could get in a good school. She truly cared about her future. 21 years, 252 months, 7665 days. That's all she got. She was my Heather. My best friend. When I die they should put "Heather's Best Friend" on my tombstone because it is a title a carry with honor. I don't know why she liked spending time with me or what I did to deserve someone like her. But I got her and I cherished every moment. Every hug and every handhold. It's like a part of me knew she wouldn't be here long so I soaked up every moment with her. Whenever she would run up behind me and hug me. I would adore every second. Her laughter was the sweetest sound. I spend most nights laying in bed going through videos of our failed Youtube channel. Us trying to be funny. Honestly I didn't care that no one watched our videos and I kind of hope no one does. I just did it to spend time with her and have something we could work on together. She was in so many clubs and organizations. She would handle the charity drives at church and was involved in countless school clubs. I didn't really have talents or passions like she did so it was nice to just do something fun with her. 

  It's been three years and it still hurts like it happened yesterday. Every few nights I have such vivid dreams that she's alive. It's not even anything crazy it's just a mundane dream. Like us going to get some ice cream after school. Throwing our backpacks in the backseat of her blue Toyota and riding to Cold Stone. It feels so real every time and then I wake up and for about 10 seconds I forget that she isn't here. That I can't just text her "good morning, Lady Heather." We would refer to each other as "Lady." It was out little inside joke. The first few weeks after she was gone I would still text her number and would wait for her to reply "good morning, Lady Chloe." Obviously she never replied but I still waited for a response. I would pray for one sometimes. I'd gone to church every Sunday my whole life. I never really fully was into the whole God thing but Heather was there and very involved so I never missed a service. I couldn't really understand how people devoted their life to and believed in God so much. But if Heather bought this whole religion thing then there must be something to it right? And besides it's comfortable to think that she in heaven right now. She's up there fully in tact. No missing limbs and disfigurements. Just beautiful and alive somewhere. Somewhere that I'm not able to go. Like she is on vacation and left without me.

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  I liked Heather. Maybe a little too much. Idolatry is a sin. I'm not sure if I idolized her but putting anything before God is a sin. I haven't been to church since she died so I never really went for God. Church was just another room that Heather was in so I was there. Every Sunday I was there. I liked Heather. I REALLY liked Heather. Are friends supposed to give you butterflies? Who knows. She was the highlight of my life. I adored her personality and sense of humor. For a church girl she sure had a dark sense of humor. She could find the humor in anything. I could use some of that right now. I'm on 3 different antidepressants and still feel sad. She would make a joke right now. I can hear her voice "they should just be called depressants, am I right?" I really liked Heather. Even when she wasn't dead I would look at pictures of her and get lost in her smile. I'd feel all tingly inside whenever she walked the room. Stunning beautiful Heather. We kissed a few times but it wasn't serious right? Does it matter? She's dead. I really liked her. I really liked kissing her. I liked the way it felt when she rubbed my thigh and felt under my shirt. My body came alive when her hand was between my legs. I don't care if it was as she said "us giving in to our sinful nature." It was beautiful and special. 

  I still remember our first kiss. It was Christmas Eve 2013. We were at some teen Christmas party our church had every year. A different house would host it every time. We would have a Secret Santa. My secret Santa was this boy named Ben and the person I was a secret Santa for was this girl named Emily. They were both at Heather's funeral. I got Emily a 25 dollar gift card, some candy and some nice pencils because she liked to draw. Ben got me a 20 dollar gift card and the Catching Fire book. He said he saw me reading reading The Hunger Games so he got me the second book in the series. I already had the whole series but it was still nice to know he had been thinking about me. Heather's secret Santa was a girl named Gwen and she was the secret Santa for another girl named Tracy. Gwen got Heather a 30 dollar gift card(this was a very common gift at these Christmas parties) and some of those Silly Bandz that used to be popular back then. Heather got Tracy a new binder for school and a few CDs of her favorite groups. CDs were already outdated by this time but Heather still liked them. Whenever a band she liked releases new music I get really sad because she won't be able to hear the songs. I try to listen to them and hear what Heather would have heard. Later on in the party when older teens were driving themselves home or younger teens were getting picked up by their parents. We were alone and sitting on the couch watching Elf. She adored this movie and could quote it line for line. We were talking and every couple minutes she would start talking along with the movie and then resume back to the conversation. 

  "So how are you gonna spend that 20 dollar gift card. That's big money right there." Heather said sarcastically. "I don't know. I spent 25 on a gift card so really that's negative 5 dollars in profit." I said jokingly. "Here you can have my gift card and then you'll have made 25 dollars in profit. You can go into the new year in the black." She said handing me her gift. "No that's yours. You keep it" I said trying to give it back. "No I want you to have it. It's my gift I'm regifting to you, Lady Chloe." She said with a smile. We kept talking for a while. Heather had driver's license and a car and she was my ride so we didn't have to worry about our parents trying to get home at a reasonable hour. The host family house was okay with us lingering as long as we locked up when we left. This was a good thing about church events even if I didn't feel the whole God thing. Everyone was so nice and trustworthy. There were no drunk guys trying to feel me up. Nobody trying to have sex in the bathroom. Just people genuinely enjoying the holidays and each other's company. Heather enjoyed the wholesomeness of these events even though she did go to normal parties "secular parties" as the church would call them. "You look really cute tonight. I mean you always look cute but you look extra cute tonight. Who are you trying to impress?" Heather said inquisitively. "Nobody. It's just a lame church Christmas party." I said lying. I wanted to look nice because she likes to look nice at these events. Heather was wearing a red sweater, a Santa hat with a bell on the tip that was hanging down, red jeans and red shoes. She was really into these things. She would wear a intricate costume on Halloween as well. I was wearing a red dress with white slip on shoes. I also had on a Santa hat. I didn't want to wear one but Heather didn't want to be the only one there with a hat on. "we'll be a festive pair" she said. "A pair." I really liked how that sounded. 

  "You think I look cute, huh?" I said teasing. "What's cute about me?" "Everything is cute about you, Lady Chloe." She said in an exaggerated British accent. "And you as well, Lady Heather." I said in a equally ridiculous fake British accent. "Shall we depart soon, milady?" I asked continuing the bit. "Our chariot shall arrive momentarily." She said giggling. I loved the way her face would scrunch up when she laughed. Heather had a fake laugh she would give people in conversation and a real genuine laugh that I heard a lot. It was hardy and snorty. She would fall into me while she laughed. She leaned forward into me giggling and I wrapped my arms around her laughing along with her. Then she did something I will never forget. She kissed me. Not a quick kiss but a long meaningful one. She stopped herself and said "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. Please don't freak out. I know this is weird." 

"It's okay." I replied