Chapter 18: A Quiet Moment
Atma wasn’t expecting heroic fanfare or festivities, and he was honestly glad not to receive them. People started to come outside, miners headed back home, seeing some warmth come back to people; that was more than enough. Seeing lights in homes, along the streets, and life returning with it, which was all that the tired people could afford, but it had its own beauty. Atma, having been raised to know flashy festivals, and his own experiences, all those years ago when the war with Ranz first broke out, left the taste of them just a little sour.
Shade, with a tired expression to his face, sat next to Atma, just outside the old guild house. He was completely out of his armor, with his suit clanking in a net sack he carried over his shoulder, and set down gently, alongside a few cleaning and care materials. “Sorry for the delays, I needed to make sure any stragglers were taken care of. Locked up, most of them.” It was mid afternoon, the sun cresting towards the horizon.
“And the rest?”
“Well, I need to clean my armor.”
Atma didn’t quite take to his meaning. “It’s a bit harder to tell with your armor, parts of it are smoother, other parts look worn like wrought iron.”
“That’s why I paint it black, Atma.”
The prince’s eyes noticed gold bits of the armor, and then, found themwith bits of dark red splattered about. “Oh. I see.”
“You’re really not comfortable with killing, are you?”
“I killed a person for the first time today. Not out of the result of me failing to save them, or because something attacked me and they were in the way, this time I actually killed someone.” Atma paused. “I’ve seen people die before, and this was different.”
“It's the first life you’ve ended yourself.”
“Even if they were a criminal, hurting these people, I can’t say I feel good about it.”
Shade laughed a bit, as he started cleaning. “For a Deponesian prince, you’re the least Deponesian Deponesian I’ve ever met.”
“Excuse me?”
“How do I put this? The stereotypes for Deponesians either depict you as ‘holier than thou’ crusaders, or barbarians fighting other barbarians. You’ve got sympathizers, sure, but even outside of your home continent of the Land of Kings, we know how brutal and bloody the fighting got. Stories of civilians, even kids fighting in the border war. The one I knew fits more into the crusader archetype.”
“You’re not a fan of us?”
“I’m not a fan of fighting.” He held up a rag, dyed red. “Ironic, yes, I’m good at it, but it doesn’t mean I like it. If it were up to me, I’d be living it up in a bar, the Crossbow in town always had a nice atmosphere and audience. I’d go back to playing the piano with a beautiful woman at my side, playing along with me. Goddess knows she can’t sing.”
Atma raised an eyebrow, finding the last detail oddly specific. “Sorry?”
“Don’t worry about it, days in the past. Stories I’m not sure your pure little ears are prepared to hear. Where I’m going with this is that you’re not someone who wants to kill, and that’s fine. The taking of a life should never be dismissed. It’s still someone’s life, but remember, not every person is worth saving. These bandits today? They didn’t have to do any of this, they chose to pillage, to torture, starve these people. Don’t let killing be easy for you. It shouldn’t be. But remember that not all hearts are like yours, very few are the same. Some are like Douji, or Thanatos, others are like mine, or Sienna’s.”
“I remember a teacher of mine saying something similar. You kind of remind me of him.”
Shade grunted, not wanting to go further with that line of thought. He tossed Atma a vial, which the prince caught with no difficulty. Inside was a pale blue liquid, which had a soft glow to it. “Healing potion. Mages will basically bottle magical energy, for selling or later use. You could toss em to make them explode, or, some like this one you drink. Light damage or not, it’ll help you keep in top shape. You’ll need to be, if we’re going to get moving tomorrow morning.”
“Right, it’s a miracle Raine and the others haven’t caught up yet. I imagine Dante’s trying to slow them down, and Raine’s searching every nook and cranny, but if we don’t get moving soon, they will catch up.” Atma popped the top off of the vial, and downed it, quickly, not sure what to expect. He coughed a bit. “Is it supposed to taste like metal and bitter leaves?”
Shade grinned. “A lot. I’d relax if I were you though. You told me in your story that you went upriver, right? That’s a harder trip, they wouldn’t really expect you to take, and if your lost stuff went downriver, that means it flowed back to Port Calima, which is at the very least a day’s search to check for information about you falling back. Especially with the lovely miss having a ship back in the port, they’ll have done all they can to make sure you didn’t double back to that escape route. Don’t know if you noticed either, but it’s hell trying to navigate the fog and mist out here.”
“You say that, but our air fleet is what propelled us into winning the war, I have faith in them.” He paused, “That sounds a lot worse out of my mouth, now that I think about it.”
“Oh I get it, but you should also think about how you had a guide to get here. Here and there, there are markers locals like us use to navigate. Real easy to miss if you don’t know what you’re looking for, and I know that the vast majority of your people have never come here. They’ll struggle. So relax, but don’t get complacent. You’ve fallen behind enough that they are and should be a concern. But you should afford yourself some downtime, make sure you don’t break.”
Atma scratched the back of his head. “How do you propose I do that?”
Shade paused his cleaning. “Oh, right, you’re still not used to living among us commoners.” A devilish grin grew on the Dark Knight’s face, one Atma recognized from his days back home, where Dante would try and get him to go into town and flirt with girls or hang out with other cadets from the Royal Academia for Knights and Squires. Atma had always refused, out of principle for his station as prince of Deponess, and general discomfort with the idea. It was something he’d regretted, something that seemed to be showing up on his face. Shade relaxed a bit before speaking. “Why not go spend time with Sienna tonight, you two get along just fine. It’s nice to see really, you two are cute.”
Atma flinched rather noticeably. “Sorry, I- wait- why don’t you go talk to her?!”
Shade was trying to hold back that mischievous look once more, though he was clearly having to struggle. “Ah, you don’t get time around girls either, got it. Trust me, I like a girl who can kick my ass, but she’s not at that point where she could.” His face turned serious for a moment as he faced Atma. “I don’t doubt she could break you underfoot though, so do mind your manners with the lady.”
“So, wait, what are you saying to do?”
“I’m saying don’t do anything. Whatever you have works, you don’t need to do anything crazy at all. Just, have fun.”
As dusk neared, Atma walked the streets, seeing people peeking out their windows, clearly still on edge, but the fact that their windows were open at all was promising. Many of the shops were still closed, Atma catching a few glimpses of people starting to put everything back together. Only one place in town really seemed to be unscathed, a local tavern called the Crossbow. “Ah, that’s the one Shade mentioned.” He saw a couple of familiar faces from the mine, and a handful of the older civilians from the Guild House. They waved to him if they recognized them, though many were far too invested in their first chance to take a drink in what had certainly felt like an eternity. A piano in the corner stage lay untouched, while a band, made up of a few off duty miners, played a jazzy tune, relaxing after a long day. It didn’t take Atma long to find Sienna, though he wasn’t particularly certain he had found her, finding her outside of her more typical style of clothes. She wore a simple black dress that seemed to perfectly contour to her and her curves, with a skirt that ended at her knees. Its design left her shoulders bare, the tattoo on her shoulder being what gave it away to Atma that it was in fact, Sienna. She wore her hair up in a ponytail, held in place by a blue ribbon. She still wore that white headband, the one odd piece throwing off the look, something he’d never seen her without, come to think of it. She sipped at a mug of beer, not particularly energetic in her drinking.
“Care to join me for a drink?”
“More into wine myself, not much of a drinker.” He sat next to her at the bar, and signaled to the bartender. “How much for a glass of something red?”
“For you? It’s on the house tonight.” The bartender, clearly a little lean and worn, smiled, and reached into a cabinet that wasn’t obvious at a glance, a hiding spot for more quality items. “This is from Falcidia, bottled 30 years ago, their famous rose wine.”
Falcidia, one of the largest city states, was well known for their agriculture, and their cultural fixation on flowers, and were generally known to have among the world’s best brewers. “That seems a bit muc-”
“It’s from my personal stash, something I’ve been saving for a great occasion, and let me tell you, this is it, boy.”
“I took a cheaper one to be honest, don’t care too much for the fancy stuff.”
Atma nodded. “Very well then. You have my thanks.” He took the glass the bartender poured him, taking a small sip, likewise, not an energetic drinker, not that he ever was. “I’m more of a social drinker.”
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“Oh, that’s fine, it’s about the mood I’m feeling tonight.” Sienna closed her eyes, taking in the atmosphere of the bar, a relaxed contentment obvious on her face.
“I have to ask, where’d you get the dress? I didn’t think you had one.”
“I know a tailor here, she had this on order for one of my sisters, made some adjustments for me, and it’s mine now.”
“And they’ll be okay with that?”
Sienna scoffed and snickered. “Hey, if Katrina wants to order something and forget to pick it up for a year, I’m more than fine taking it for myself. Honestly if it weren’t hers, I don’t think this’d fit me.”
“Honestly, you could have fooled me, I thought it was intentionally for you.”
“Oh? You like it? You never said anything, so-” She spoke in a playful tone.
“It’s different from what you normally wear, I almost didn’t recognize you. This look really is beautiful though.”
“This look is, huh? You wound me.” She understood what he meant just fine, but his obvious ineptitude in flirting was obvious. Or rather, he wasn’t flirting at all, not intentionally.
Atma, ever the one to try and correct any perceived rudeness on his behalf, noticed his poor phrasing. “Let me clarify, you always are, I think this is just a new side I’m seeing for the first time.”
Sienna took another relaxed sip from her drink. “You’re still not all that great with people are you? It’s cute, really.”
“I’ve made progress, I think.” Atma scratched the back of his head, somewhat embarrassed.
“Just a bit. You’re still the selfless hero I met back on that ship.”
“I don’t think that part of me’s going to change so easily.” He smiled, taking a drink himself. He finally let his body relax a bit, his shoulders loosening up. “Either way, you’ve really been my greatest ally on this journey.”
“Aww, even next to Balthazar? I thought you two were best buddies.”
“He’s been a great friend, everyone has been. I’m grateful to have met all of you. Shade’s been a savior in the dark, Locke, a reminder to give my best, even when I’m not at my most confident.” He paused, hesitantly, out of concern for Sienna’s emotions. “Alice has acted as a voice of humanity, and glued us all together.” He paused again, trying to gauge her response, getting a simple nod in response. “Balthazar’s reminded me to keep going. Even if he’s not here, I’ll keep going like he would. Like he probably is. I even had a companion who stayed behind in Deponess, he reminds me that we’re not perfect, that I have room to grow. You on the other hand? You’ve been my center these past few days, keeping me together in a new world, and a scenario I couldn’t have dreamed of. I don’t think the others could have helped me like you. You’ve really lived in the world, you’ve seen a lot compared to most of our naivete. Even before this, you were bringing me into a wider world, when I first met you, going into a situation outside of my full control, like that shipwreck. Yeah, it’s been rough, but you've also helped make it fun. You’ve pushed me to grow, and held me together. I could never replace that, and I don’t think anyone could.”
Sienna was silent at first, but quicker to respond. “You do that a lot you know, leave me not knowing what to say. You said something similar last night, right? Not sure I expected you to be so heartfelt about it though.”
“Sorry, was that too much? Speeches and formal functions are still more my thing than socializing, I think.”
She held up her hand to her face, as if thinking, though covering just the slightest bit of red in her face. “No, I get it, it’s you.” She lowered her hand, not attempting to hide her face, feeling Atma probably wouldn’t notice. “You speak from the heart, it can be a rough quality on some, but yours is- how do I put this like you might? I’ve seen countless treasures in my life, Atma, and you’ve got a heart as golden as any of them.”
“That’s probably exactly how I might word something like that.”
“Then let me take another shot at it.” She paused to think. “You’re an anchor. Strong, but not unchanging. You take hits, scratches, but your core is still there, still strong, keeping everything in place.”
“I don’t think I follow.”
“Atma, even with my adoptive family, I’m not sure I’d call myself tethered. We’re all off doing our own things most of the time. Peony sticks around, but most of our crews will trade off with each other here and there to spend time ashore, or change up who they want to sail under. Most of the ladies want to sail with Neptune, for example. Or the ones who really want to pick a fight go join up with Orion or Katrina. I’ve only known you for a bit, and sure, I think you’re a free spirit too, but not like them. And Alice? I love her, she’s my sister, but it’s hard to feel that connection to her, or our father after so long.”
He’d been thinking on his own want for freedom, he’d said as much. “Me, an anchor though?”
“Yeah, hasn’t been that long, has it? You, my anchor, are always with me, even after all of this. You didn’t ditch me back then in Calima. We’ve trusted each other with our lives, despite our short time together. I know I haven’t really been abandoned, I have family, however distant they might be, but you’re like my anchor because I can rely on you to be there too, make me feel like I’m not being swept away, seeing as you seem to be chained to me. If that makes sense.”
Atma felt a tightness in his chest, not quite sure how to process this unfamiliar feeling. It wasn’t like when he would meet with nobles trying to proposition him or Escalus for arranged marriage, where their interaction was almost purely transactional. Nor was it like some noble girl trying to play a seduction act that he didn’t follow along with. His composure was just a bit off, as he tried working through this new feeling. He had a word for it, but it was a scary word, he wasn’t sure he was ready to touch. “I think I do. I think you’re saying the same thing I am, in your own way.”
Sienna took a more intensive drink. “Yeah, I guess I am.”
“You’ve always let me be vulnerable with you, always let me be weak. That’s something special, something new. Deponess prides itself on strength, you know that, we all know that. Especially for the men of Deponess, what I say would be frowned upon. It was hard showing weakness to the others. Like I said, you help me get that weakness to grow.”
Sienna frowned. “That’s something true of anywhere, your- our homeland just writes it in large letters. That’s sad to hear, you know? I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. It takes a lot of strength to be weak, to let yourself be vulnerable. But being strong all the time, it’s impossible to ask of anyone. I doubt the Goddess herself could pull it off.” She sighed.
Atma saw the tired look on her face, not quite physical exhaustion so much as mental. “Do you need to be weak right now?”
“Oh, I don’t think I’m nearly that strong.” She began to raise her mug again, stopping as she saw Atma begin to raise his hand in protest. She closed her eyes and set the mug down. “Okay. Not here though, not with everyone around.” She left a few coins on the bar as a courtesy to the owner, Atma doing the same, as he walked with her. The night air was cool to the skin, with a gentle mist returning as the moon hung overhead. Compared to the previously blackened city, consumed by darkness, there was a gentle warmth emanating from the homes, changing the atmosphere entirely.
“You’re worried about your family too, right? If you belong with them?”
“Something along those lines, yeah. Back then, when we were still on the water, I spoke to Alice. I realized something when you were talking to that little girl before, the one you had to sign to? It feels like it's the first time I’ve ever really spoken to her. It’s the only time I can think of. She was four when I got separated from her, so it’s not like she couldn’t talk to me, but that was the first time I’ve spoken to her with any actual substance. I don’t know her. She doesn’t know me.”
Atma couldn’t possibly relate, but he got where she was going with this. “So you’re between a past that feels so disconnected from you, and a present where it’s hard to feel overly attached.”
“They’re both family, my past and present. Both a part of me. Seeing them both in reach though? It makes me feel like I don’t belong to either anymore.” She spoke melancholically, an expression on her face Atma found just a little difficult to read, halfway between sadness and wonder.
“They both still mean something to you, that much is clear. You still speak about your new family fondly, like they’re fun to have in your life, and Alice, you made it clear the moment you met her that she still means a lot to you, you told me yourself you want to save her.”
The two came to an isolated hill on the outskirts of town, not far from the abandoned Guild House, Sienna sitting before Atma, and gazing up at the night sky, ever so slightly obscured by mist. “I need to save her, if I’m going to move on.”
“That part I perfectly understand.”
She turned her head to face him slightly as he sat next to her. “Don’t tell me you’ve got a thing for her.”
“What? No. What I mean is, for the longest time, I felt guilty and powerless after the Battle of Linia, what felt like lives lost because of me. With the whole Deponesian mindset, it’s easy to fall into. I wanted to do right by her, and right by you.”
Sienna had a more obvious blush to her face. “What are you saying?”
“I don’t think I got the chance to tell you the story. I ran into you the day before the battle. Snuck away, pretended to just be some random kid. Wrote all about it in my diary after the fact. And I was heartbroken when I saw the murals for everyone we lost, and I saw you among them.”
She smiled again. “We were kids Atma, weakness and powerlessness was our thing. The only people to blame are the ones who wanted to fight that war. But there’s that golden heart again. It’s flattering, if a bit off putting to hear I had that much of an impact on you.”
“I think you were my first friend. There was no way you wouldn’t. But, that’s the trauma the war had on all of us, isn’t it? You want to keep your sister safe. I don’t want to see people die in my family’s name again.”
“Trauma sucks.”
“I think this is one only we can share.” He faced her fully. “You can always be weak with me. I promise.”
“Can I be really weak then?” She seemed to be holding back a wave of emotion.
“I promised, didn’t I?”
Wordlessly, Sienna removed her headband, clutching it tightly in an ironclad grip. She faced him, a light gust of wind blowing aside her bangs just enough to reveal a pale scar on her temple, well healed, and not overly noticeable with how she wore her hair, going slightly into her hairline. “I got dragged out through a damn window, and every time I looked in a mirror, I had to be reminded of it. It’s not even big, or physically painful, but every time I look-” She tried hiding the scar with her hand with her headband. “I start going back. I could get it healed, sure, but I’m not ready to move past then. It’s my reminder of what happened, lines I should never cross. And this ugly mark is staying until I don’t need it anymore.”
Atma reached out to hold her hand, gentle as he did so. He didn’t attempt to force her or grab at her hand, simply waiting for her to offer her hand when she was ready. She did, after a moment, struggling to make eye contact. “Remember what I said earlier? You’re always beautiful, this is just a new side I get to see. I hope your scars will heal some day, Sienna.” He felt her grip tighten on his hands, though not so hard that she was hurting him, he adjusted his grip too, just a bit firmer, to let her know he didn’t intend even slightly on leaving her in her moment of vulnerability..
“Can you wait that long?”
“As long as I need to.” He felt his heart thumping in his chest. The tightness he felt was back, stronger than ever. It was an unbearable sensation, but not an unpleasant one. It was like- Sienna leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. Atma had never been much of one for romance outside of a novel, never someone who could really claim much in the way of attraction, but the one, simple action had him the reddest he’d ever been in his life. He didn’t feel the thumping in his chest, unsure of if it were because his heart skipped a beat, or if everything else didn’t seem to matter. “I-”
“Not one more word,” she said, smiling, not the kind she normally wore, the one that sought fun and treasure, this was one more side of her he was seeing, like looking to a star. “You’ve said more than enough.” They both loosened their grip upon each other, but didn’t let go entirely. “Thank you Atma, for being my anchor.”
He wanted to open his mouth, to say something, but realized he couldn’t think of a thing to say. He’d laid himself bare before her. His hands said all he could have, as he stayed unmoving, save the warmth that spread across his face, mirroring what he saw in hers.