My childhood will look pretty normal to the onlookers, but it never was. I lived with my parents, a smile always on my face but a sad heart. Before entering primary school I had already understood the dualities behind their smiles and glorification.
I tried to be as perfect as I could. But was always rejected. My figure was plump and my parents told me more about it than my friends. Although I always scored a 'A+' in report card, just hearing from teacher that I was talking during class was infuriating enough for my parents, especially my father.
It's still fresh on my mind, the day I scored my first Gold medal in an olympiad exam. I was in 2nd grade and it was my first time attempting such type of competitive exam, and I still scored a Gold medal although it was only district level rank 1 gold medal. I was happy, so was anybody else in the family. All my uncles congratulated me. My father was very happy, he gifted me a robot kit, he was smiling all the time in front of his guests that day bragging about me. But later that day he said something that broke my heart.
He came in my room just before I went to sleep, embraced me, and kissed my forehead. This was a rare occurance for me, he would hardly smile to me far was a hug or kiss. Then he slowly whispered in the dark room, "Very good, do better next time." and left. I was completely tattered and felt, "It must have been better if I had not scored anything at all, then maybe these words wouldn't have had hurt me this much." And now that I look back that medal was the reason where I am now.
Only if I had given weight to the later part of his sentence and not the gesture he did before it. But only if for a repetition of those gestures I tried to excel every field I could. Only for achievements to become a common occurrence that doesn't needed celebration anymore.
Never did I allowed anything to come between my studies. Not friends, not family problems or not even bullying. But I was not awarded rather scolded for where ever I lagged. If out of five subjects, in one subject I scored a 'B' all the other 'A's were useless that instance.
I sometimes regret not throwing much tantrums as a child, for the things I wanted. It was not that I never wanted them, or I was a quite child by nature rather whenever I asked for something too forcefully everyone got upset. They would get me the thing I wanted, then fight over it and then blame everything over me who was nearly 20 to 30 years younger than them.
It was during 2nd grade I wanted a cake for my birthday. Previously I used to get Halwa, an Indian desert which I used to hate as a child as my birthday sweet. But I started to see on TV that they get a cake, even my friends used to tell stories of their birthdays - that I was never allowed to attend- listening to them I felt that even I want a cake for my birthday.
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I went to my second uncle and asked him to buy me a cake for my birthday that year. On my birthday before going to office he bought me two pastries as my birthday "cake", yet I was happy and was smiling ear to ear. At evening we decided to cut two pastries and celebrate my birthday. I had asked my mother to blow balloons and fill them with a few thermocal balls as I had seen in TV. Only three balloons were at home at that time, I didn't asked for more either.
We took the pastries out of the fridge and kept them on the table. Took kitchen knife and a small candle, but I was happy. But how can I stay happy, heavens couldn't agree less! My father took out his phone and asked us - my mother and me- to sit next to my grandma for a pic. But God knows why she was irritated by all the things we were doing. May be because it was "uncultured " western rituals or maybe because she was widowed that year, I don't know why but she kept frowning that day.
My father asked her to smile for a picture but she refused. Instantly he become angry, thew away his phone, kicked way the chair he was sitting on and started shouting on her. I was terrified, I don't remember what he said but I remember instantly embracing my mother. She then broke free from me and went ahead to try to calm my father down but he just kept fuming. He grabbed the chair behind him that he had kicked earlier and threw it, which ended up crashing to the glass chandelier and a few glass pices fell to the ground cutting his feet and a bit of blood smeared on the white flooring which was later discovered by my mother as she was cleaning the mess. My father stormed out of the house after making all that mess.
After the clean up my mother took me to complete my studies. While studying I was crying and sadly I used my pencil to burst all those three balloons and threw them away in the trash. That day it occurred to me that maybe even getting a normal birthday party is a luxuri I can't afford. Not that the money was a problem, of course, but some people can't stay happy when others are happy.
In school I used to be bullied and body shamed, so I started to have an inferiority complex about myself. But that never helped me so I decided to get myself in shape and become a bully myself. It only took one year for me to get in shape and I started to beat up the troublemakers in out class. I would swear and talk rudely to those my age but was respectful to teachers and elders so my parents never realised.
But during 5th grade my classteacher noticed my changes in behavior compared to last year and informed my mother on the open house day(parents teacher meeting as called in our school) that I have turned arrogant but she knew the perfect job for me. She made me the classmonitor and allowed me to beat up the bullies and punish the notorious. This sure stopped me from bullying the weak and made me even better in eyes of my parents and teachers.
During all my childhood she was the best teacher I had meet. She would never complaint anything to my parents rather talk to me and try to correct me. I started to think I had some worth. I started to think now my life is getting normal as after my brother's birth during my 4th grade they have started to treat me better. They started to acknowledge me smile more at me. My brother used to smile at me.
They even celebrated my 10th birthday during 5th grade with a big party, just like in TVs. My friends, my father's friends and my tuition teacher all came. We decorated the room with balloons and on the TV was played my birthday promo video- made my my own father - in a loop. A big cake and many gifts. I thought life was now perfect. But heavens sure had other plans.