“It’s pretty much the best thing ever,” said Proklik.

“Oh, I’m sure,” said Tott. She lifted the klee bottle to her beak and took a sip.

“No, really,” said Proklik. “It’s not like anything you’ve ever seen before.”

“I’ve seen gladiators plenty of times,” said Tott.

“None like this,” said Proklik. He took the bottle from her and drank. “These guys are different. It’s pretty much the best thing ever.”

“You’re always saying that,” said Tott. “’It’s the best thing ever, Tottie!’” She snatched the bottle back from Proklik, spilling some of the orange klee.

“I’m not always saying that.”

“You are! You say it all the time!”

“Name one time.”

“The time at the beach when you found all that guzz.”

“That doesn’t count.”

“It does!”

“Name another,” said Proklik. He reached for the klee bottle but Tott waved him away. She took a big sip and licked her beak.

“The knife-seller at the fair,” said Tott, lifting a talon. “That magnet ball thing your uncle gave you,” she said, lifting a second talon. “The Deek and the Grass concert,” she said, lifting a third.

“You love Deek and the Grass,” said Proklik.

“I’m not saying I don’t,” said Tott. “I’m just saying you said they were the best thing ever.”

“They are the best thing ever.”

“See!” said Tott. She took another sip of klee and set the bottle on the table. She ran her talons through her crest feathers and wiggled her slender neck in satisfaction.

Proklik picked up the bottle and examined the label. “I say it a lot, huh?” he said.

“All the time,” said Tott.

“I’m sorry I like things,” said Proklik. He dropped his beak to his chest.

“Hey,” said Tott. She leaned across the table and grabbed Proklik’s talon. “That’s not what I meant. I don’t mind that you say it, it just makes it hard to tell how good stuff actually is, you know? Not everything is the best thing ever.”

“Some things are,” said Proklik.

“Sure.”

“Like these gladiators.”

Tott leaned back and rolled her eyes as hard as she could.

“They really are,” said Proklik. “Tottie, I need you to see this. It’s amazing. I promise you’ll like it.”

“You promise?”

“Absolutely.”

Tott picked up the klee bottle and held it up to the light. It was all but empty. She brought it up to her beak and knocked it back. She set the empty bottle on the table.

“Alright, let’s go,” she said.

“Yes!” said Proklik. He clapped his talons together and stood up from his perch. He leaned over and nuzzled Tott’s beak. “Thank you,” he said.

“But you have to buy me some taka,” said Tott. She nuzzled him back.

“All the taka you want, Tottie. All the taka in the world.”

“I’m sorry they’re out of taka,” said Proklik. He sat next to Tott on a perch overlooking the gladiatorial pit.

“It’s okay,” said Tott.

“Maybe we can get some after the fights.”

“Maybe.”

Proklik sighed. He looked around at the crowd. The perches were sold out. There hadn’t been nearly this many people in the perches last time.

Proklik looked down into the pit. It looked like they were getting ready to start. A handful of balinoid aliens were checking on a large square platform which filled almost the entirety of the pit, leaving about a wingspan between the platform and the perches. The platform had posts rising from each of the corners and some ropes were strung up between the posts along the edges of the square. One of the aliens, wearing a striped zepp, stood on the platform next to one of the posts. Two more of the aliens sat at a table set up outside the platform, their backs to the crowd.

“So what’s this all about?” said Tott.

“Okay,” said Proklik, “you see those aliens down there.” He pointed into the pit.

“Yeah.”

“Those are called hyumens.”

“Okay.”

“All the gladiators we’re going to see tonight are hyumens.”

“That’s kind of boring.”

“It isn’t. Trust me.”

Tott arched an eyebrow at Proklik, but said nothing. She pointed to the hyumen in the striped zepp. “Who’s the stripey dude?” she said.

“He’s in charge of the fight,” said Proklik. “He determines who wins.”

“Like a judge?” said Tott.

“Kinda.”

“What are the rules?,” said Tott.

“There’s not a lot of rules as far as I can tell,” said Proklik. “You can’t use weapons and you can only fight on the platform.”

“They don’t use weapons?” said Tott.

“No weapons.”

“What kind of fight is this?”

“Shhh,” said Proklik. One of the table hyumens was climbing onto the platform. “You’ll see.” He moved a little closer to her on the perch and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She nestled into him.

“This better be good,” she said.

The hyumen made its way to the middle of the platform. He was dressed in a formal zepp and held a stick in his hand. He brought the stick up to his mouth and –

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” the alien’s voice boomed out of everywhere. Tott squawked in surprise. She wasn’t the only one. About two thirds of the crowd were looking around in amazement.

This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

“Holy shit!” said Tott. “Holy shit!”

“I know! Their voice amplification blows ours out of the sky!” said Proklik.

“They need to give that to Deek and the Grass!” said Tott.

“Can you imagine!?”

The hyumen introduced himself and his gladiator stable. Most of what he said didn’t mean much to Tott, and Proklik had heard it before. Something about having the best gladiators in the galaxy, which Tott found laughable. Without weapons these hyumens wouldn’t stand a chance against real gladiators, no matter how loud they were. Tott wiggled with impatience. Finally the hyumen finished his introduction and climbed out of the platform. He sat back down at the table with the other hyumen. Then he started talking again.

“Making his way to the ring,” he said, “from Yutopeeya Gronday, RIK “THELIZARD” FRANSISKO!”

Hyper-amplified music exploded from the hidden speakers. “Holy shit!” screamed Tott. The music was ten times louder than anything she had heard at any concert. She laughed and looked at Proklik in amazement. He smiled and pointed toward one end of the pit. A new hyumen had appeared.

This hyumen had to be Thelizard. He was dressed in a green zepp made out of some kind of reptile scales. He slid onto the platform and made a strange display with his arms.

The hyumen at the table resumed talking. “Here’s Thelizard, Swee-tee.

“One of the best technical wrestlers in the business, Mykull,” said the other hyumen at the table.

“He’s a real slimy son of a bitch, if you ask me,” said Mykull.

“You would say that, Mykull,” said Swee-tee. “You have no appreciation for a professional like Thelizard. The man’s an artist.”

Thelizard finished his strange display and went to the ropes. He gestured to one of the hyumens in attendance. The attendant hyumen handed Thelizard an amplifying stick. Thelizard walked back into the middle of the platform and looked up into the perches.

“Looks like Thelizard’s got something to say,” said Mykull.

“Look at this crowd,” said Thelizard. “This has got to be the single ugliest crowd I’ve ever seen!”

Tott looked at Proklik in astonishment. “He can’t say that!” she said. Proklik laughed and held his talons to his beak. He hissed as loud as he could. Others in the crowd joined in the hissing.

“Oh yeah, hiss all you want,” said Thelizard. “It doesn’t change anything! You are all just a bunch of dumb, ugly, tree-climbing, bug-eating, feather-headed, alien sons-of-bitches!”

“You’re the alien, asshole!” shouted Tott.

Proklik laughed and hissed.

“You people bring a new meaning to the word ‘bird-brained’!” said Thelizard.

“He’s so mean!” said Tott. “Are all the gladiators this mean?”

Suddenly another hyumen appeared in the pit accompanied by the almost deafening cry of a bird of prey.

“Oh my God, Swee-tee!” said the announcer named Mykull. “It’s Guyus! Guyus is in the building!”

“If he knows what’s good for him he’ll get out of the building,” said Swee-tee.

The hyumen named Guyus slid onto the platform. He had a long yellow crest and wore a golden zepp. He pointed at Thelizard and gestured to the crowd in the perches. The man in the striped zepp took the amplifier stick from Thelizard and handed it to Guyus.

“You can’t talk about these fine people like that,” said Guyus.

“Yeah!” said Tott.

“These are good people,” said Guyus. “They have a beautiful culture and fine traditions. They paid good money to be here tonight and--”

Thelizard charged and pushed Guyus against a post. Tott gasped. Thelizard started kicking Guyus again and again. A bell rang three times.

“Looks like we’ve got a match!” said Swee Tee.

“You can say that again,” said Mykull.

The striped judge was yelling at Thelizard. Thelizard ignored him and placed his foot on Guyus’ throat and pressed.

“Oh my God, he’s going to kill him,” said Tott.

Thelizard abandoned his attack, turned, and walked into the center of the platform. He raised his arms and strutted around. Tott hissed. Proklik hissed. Everyone hissed.

“Thelizard has no respect for Guyus,” said Mykull “He turns his back on him without a care in the world.”

“It’s all part of his brilliant plan,” said Swee-tee.

Thelizard started yelling at the crowd, but they could barely hear him over their hissing. While his back was turned, Guyus stood up.

“Uh-oh, Swee-tee!” said Mykull.

“Yes!” said Tott.

Thelizard turned and stared at Guyus in shock. Quick as lightning, Guyus had his arms wrapped around Thelizard. Then Guyus grabbed Thelizard’s arm and twisted it behind his back. Guyus laughed in triumph.

“He’s got him by the arm,” said Mykull.

“Not for long he doesn’t,” said Swee-tee.

And Swee-tee was correct. Suddenly Thelizard drove his elbow into Guyus’ stomach. Guyus doubled over in pain and Thelizard grabbed him. Thelizard placed Guyus’ head under his arm, then fell backwards, driving Guyus’ head into the platform.

“DDT!” said Swee-tee. “He won’t walk away from that!”

“Oh no!” said Tott.

Thelizard rolled Guyus over onto his back, then lay across him. The judge fell onto his stomach and slapped his hand on the platform once, twice, then Guyus jerked up and the judge came up on his knees and held up two fingers. Thelizard yelled at the judge. Guyus rolled away and tried to stagger to his feet.

“A two-count,” said Mykull.

“That was a slow count if I’ve ever seen one, Mykull,” said Swee-tee.

“What was that?” said Tott.

“If one of the gladiators has the other one on his back,” said Proklik, “the striped one has to try to slap the platform three times. If he gets all three slaps before the pinned gladiator can escape, then the fight is over. The pinned gladiator loses.”

“Oh,” said Tott. “That was close!”

“Really close!”

“Come on Guyus!” yelled Tott!

Guyus was back on his feet and had captured Thelizard in another arm lock.

“He’s got him in an armbar,” said Mykull.

Thelizard reversed it and placed Guyus into an identical arm lock.

“Oh, a reversal,” said Mykull.

Thelizard kicked Guyus in the back of the leg, driving down to one knee. Thelizard twisted Guyus’ arm painfully.

“He’s going to rip that arm right off,” said Swee-tee.

“Come on!” said Tott.

“Come on Guyus!” said Proklik.

Suddenly Guyus was on his feet again. Somehow he was able to bring his arms up to Thelizard’s head. He grabbed Thelizard by the head and flipped him over onto his back. Guyus fell upon Thelizard and started hammering at his head with his hands.

“He’s got him! He’s got him!” said Mykull.

Guyus pulled Thelizard to his feet, grabbed him from the front, picked him up, did a half-twist, and slammed him onto the platform.

“Belly to belly suplex!” said Mykull.

“Yeah!” said Tott.

Guyus pulled Thelizard back onto his feet and whipped him into the ropes. Thelizard bounced against the ropes and came flying back at Guyus. Guyus caught him across the neck with his arm and Thelizard went down hard.

“His momma felt that one,” said Mykull.

“Pin him!” said Tott.

Guyus pulled Thelizard to his feet and whipped him into the ropes again. This time Thelizard caught the ropes with his arms and held on. He did not get thrown back toward Guyus. Guyus didn’t see this, and jumped up as if to kick a returning Thelizard with both feet. But Thelizard wasn’t there and Guyus fell to the ground.

“You’ve got to look before you leap,” said Swee-tee.

Capitalizing on Guyus’ mistake, Thelizard ran up to the prone gladiator and did a flip over him, landing with all of his weight on Guyus’ chest.

“Cannonball!” said Swee-tee.

“Ooh!” said Proklik.

“He should have pinned him when he had the chance!” said Tott.

But Thelizard now had Guyus pinned, one leg sticking up into the air. The judge slapped his hand once, twice, and it was coming down a third time--

“No!” said Tott.

--when Guyus kicked out. The judge held up two fingers and Thelizard looked at him in total disbelief.

“YES!” said Tott. She grabbed Proklik’s arm and shook it.

“That was too close,” said Proklik.

“That was too close,” said Mykull.

“Holy shit,” said Tott.

Thelizard had pulled Guyus to his feet and was slapping him across the chest. The slaps were very loud. They almost sounded amplified.

“Listen to those chops!” said Mykull.

“He’s slapping the skin right off his chest,” said Swee-tee.

Tott winced with each slap. After four slaps, Thelizard whipped Guyus into the ropes. Guyus bounced against the ropes and came running back at Thelizard. Thelizard lifted his arm as if he wanted to strike Guyus in the neck, but Guyus dove forward and caught Thelizard in the stomach with his shoulder, knocking him down.

“Spear!” said Mykull. “He hit him with the spear!”

Guyus jumped to his feet while Thelizard writhed on the ground in pain. Guyus lifted his hands to his ear and gestured to the crowd.

“Pin him you jackass!” said Tott.

“He’s getting fired up!” said Mykull.

And indeed he was. Guyus went from one side of the ring to the other. He held his hand to his ear and listened to the crowd. The crowd demanded that he kick Thelizard’s ass. Guyus would oblige them.

Guyus pulled Thelizard to his feet. Thelizard slapped Guyus in the face.

“Thelizard’s not through yet,” said Swee-tee.

“Shut up, Swee-tee!” said Tott.

Guyus reacted to the slap by shaking his head and wagging his finger at Thelizard.

“Oh yes he is!” said Mykull.

Guyus reared back and smacked the hell out of Thelizard. Thelizard reeled. Guyus kicked him in the gut and grabbed him by the head. He stuck Thelizard’s head between his legs.

“He isn’t--” said Swee-tee.

Guyus stooped over the oddly positioned Thelizard and lifted him up, flipping the gladiator vertically, so that it looked like Thelizard was perched on Guyus’ shoulders.

“It’s the--,” said Mykull.

Guyus slammed Thelizard down onto the platform with all his might.

“--Powerbomb!” said Mykull.

“Holy shit!” said Tott.

Guyus fell on the prone Thelizard and rolled him up, both legs in the air.

The judge slapped his hand on the platform.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

DING DING DING!

The crowd went insane. Taka husks flew through the air. 

“YEAH!” said Proklik.

“HELL YEAH!” said Tott.

“OH HELL YEAH,” said Mykull.

“Lucky break,” said Swee-tee.

Guyus jumped to his feet and climbed onto one of the posts. He waved at the crowd and stuck his arms in the air. Thelizard rolled off the platform and slunk off into the shadows.

“GUY-US!” said Proklik.

“GUY-US!” joined the crowd.

“GUY-US!” said Tott. She threw her head back and howled in triumph.

“They love him,” said Mykull.

“Because he’s a brown-noser,” said Swee-tee.

Guyus climbed down from the post. The crowd roared his name again and again and again. He rolled off the platform and slowly walked out of the pit, waving at the crowd.

“He’s amazing,” said Tott. “This is amazing.” There were tears in her eyes. “Is there more?”

“There’s more, Tottie. There’s so much more.”

“Oh my God, Prok,” said Tott. She nuzzled her beak in his chest feathers. “This is the best thing ever.”

THE END