“That is so disgusting”, they murmured as they watched the substance turn from a gentle green to a brownish tone that reminded them of vomit.

“That’s because you’re doing it the wrong way.”

Ilandi rolled their eyes. Next to the alembic they were working with, were a number of little vials and small boxes with powders lined up and they could not, for the life of them, remember what to put when into the solution.

The woman working next to them pointed at one of these vials, one with a clear substance in it. “You need to add this first, then the indicator.” Her clear blue eyes glittered with laughter behind the safety goggles she wore. Beneath those, her face was shielded with a mask that protected her from the vile smokes both of them could breathe in and out right now. They wore a similar one.

Her hands were clad in thick leather gloves, sweat sparkled on her skin. Her long, dark hair was bound back. Her thick accent reminded them of home. She was one of these elves that lived among humans because it fit them better; they had seen a lot of these in Agshraf over the years. Here of course even more.

“Ilandi, are you listening?”

“What? Yes, yes, I am”, they said.

She gave them an unconvinced look. “So, why do you need to add this first?”

Fuck. “Because it … activates … something.”

Her shoulders sagged. “Ilandi, what happened when you added the indicator?”

“… it went all gross.”

Miram sighed. There were reasons, why she had never been someone’s teacher. Ilandi saw that very clearly now. “Why did it change color?”, she asked. “Come on?”

Ilandi licked their lips. “Because the potion wasn’t neutral yet?”

“Yes”, she nodded. “So, once you added the first five parts, you add that”, she pointed at the tiny vial, “then the indicator to see if it’s truly neutral. And then the last ingredient because you want the stuff to activate in your stomach, not in the alembic.”

Ilandi sighed and nodded. “Yes…” For the seventh time, they emptied their trial in a bucket. The colors inside the bucket had mixed to a dark brown mixture that looked even worse than what they had had in their alembic. “I still don’t understand why I have to do that myself in the first place”, they murmured, while washing out the vessel.

“Because you have to learn”, Miram said without turning around.

While more or less supervising them, she herself was occupied with mixing up something that involved two torches, three alembic cubes, powders, substances in different colors, and things she needed to crush freshly. “Just because Telassi couldn’t teach you, the Andrush Vandrainor should not have neglected your alchemy training completely.”

“I’m done with training. And I can distinguish poison and whatnot.”

“You cannot brow a simple potion”, she said, while crushing something in a mortar. “I’m very busy. I cannot brow all these for every idiot who comes through my door.”

“Do people often come through your door?”

She shrugged. “No.”

Ilandi grinned. There were several reasons for that. Miram’s laboratory was built in a crack of the cliff the Stable was built on, so it was beneath the Stable but still benefited from daylight to one side and an underground river on the other. It was not built for horses. The room felt small with all the workbenches, and the two walls full of racks with ingredients and potions. Everything was clean, nice, and tidy, but all the fire, all the smoke would make the horses anxious. And most of the riders, too.

Ilandi had been down here only a few times during their training. Mostly to pick up potions and distribute them. Because Miram was right, they had not learned how to brew a single potion. And that should not have happened. Telassi and the advisers had ruled that due to a lack of good teachers right now, they simply had to learn the theory. But it was not the same. And if they found the time, they needed to close that gap before finding a city to live in.

The idea made them uneasy because it meant spending a lot more time down here. And despite the clean, bright countertops, the nice bundles of herbs hanging from the high ceiling, and the general cleanliness of the room, the fire and smokes and odd things inside some of these glasses made them dread the place more with every minute.

For the eighth time, they stepped up to the counter and began to carefully add ingredients. “And you are sure that this is going to work, yeah?”, they asked. It wasn’t the first time they asked that question but it was the most pressing one on their mind right now. And Miram, despite all her shortcomings as a teacher, responded differently every time.

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“Yes”, she said. “Memories don’t simply vanish, Ilandi. As long as you didn’t trade them for a spell” — she shot them a glance — “and you didn’t right? You didn’t learn a spell?”

“No.”

She nodded. “Good. Rumor has it, you are spending a lot of time with Renor lately. But where was I? Yes, as long as you didn’t trade them,

memories don’t vanish, they fade. We water them down, so to speak. But with the potion, they’ll be revitalized. It’ll help.”

“How will it work?”

She shrugged. “I never tried that one”, she said. “But you’ll figure it out.”

This time, they did not mess it up, and the finished, warm, stinky potion was filled in a small vial. Miram nodded. “Good”, she said. “That should be enough for you to use it three times. Now, get out. Drink that and go to bed.”

Ilandi nodded and smiled gratefully, but she simply shushed him out of her laboratory.

Without all the safety clothing, they ascended the spiral stairs. Up there, Tishian stood, pawing at the ground impatiently.

Ilandi placed their good hand on their companion’s neck and held the vial with the other one.

Tishian snickered. ‘That took a while.’

‘Apparently, I am a slow learner.’

‘Oh, did the mean lady hurt your feelings?’

Ilandi laughed.

They went back to their room, a silence between them that balanced on the edge between comfortable and tense. They both knew how important this potion could possibly be.

Ilandi still hadn’t decided where they wanted to go after the ceremony. But recently, a thought had arisen, that was neither settling down nor beginning to study more. And it had nagged and poked at both their minds until Tishian had brought it up because he knew that Ilandi would not have done it on their own. It was a thought, they had entertained for the last time seven years ago. When Telassi had told them to think of the most selfish wish they might fulfill for themselves now, with all the time and abilities at their hands.

They had sat outside of their office, the sun warming the grass and their back, legs crossed, muscles sore from the sparring match. The hurt in their side would turn out to be a cracked rip, later. But for the moment, they had been content.

Telassi had faced them in the same manner, their blade on their knees, sharpener in hand.

In the years to come, Ilandi would learn that this was Telassi’s version of listening. Focusing on a small matter to do with their hands, to have an excuse for not looking at the person they were talking to.

“I want to find out what happened to my parents”, they had said. Nervousness in their voice.

“Why?”, Telassi had asked, while testing their blade’s edge.

Ilandi had shaken their head. They remembered all the things that they had thought back then. All different, all complicated. Well, not all. They were curious to get to know their parents but the truth was, they didn’t really miss them. Curiosity though had a lot of sides. And some of them were colder than others.

At home, in Agshraf, it had not been easy to bring people to accept their truth. Even after all the records were changed, there had been incidences when they had to stand up for themselves. And here, it had started again. Even with Kirdain at their side who stepped in when their own voice faltered, they couldn’t help but worry. With Tishian, who was so sure of his masculinity as part of their soul, how could they be right?

Shouldn’t they mirror each other?

In that regard — as well as in others — they had been very lucky to have Telassi as teacher. Because they were much the same, and yet different.

“I want to know what happened to them”, they said finally.

Telassi’s brows had narrowed a bit. “That might be worth exploring”, they agreed. “But why?”

Ilandi had shrugged. “I want to know if I could meet them”, they had said finally.

“Why?”

Ilandi had licked their lips. At this point, they had understood that Telassi would not let them off the hook that easily. “I need to know if… if they still love me.” Even after I understood, that I wasn’t who they thought I was. Not at all.

“I see.”