Tucker’s Kobolds.
An infamous story written years ago.
Many have long debated whether they are truly terrible enemies, with hundreds of theorycrafters coming out of the woodwork to prove whether their ideas would work.
I honestly don’t care whether those kobolds were actually that bad or not. I never fought them in a roleplaying game, and I never tried to come up with a legitimate way to beat them.
However, I did use them as inspiration.
When I was thinking about the first dungeon that Thaddeus would clear on screen with the readers, I wanted to make a cultural reference to something they might understand. Since nobody commented on it, I don’t know if anybody got the reference, but I’m guessing not.
“These British Army Gnomes are innovative,” I explained to my temporary party members. “Their primary weapon is the usual AK-47, but they somehow managed to tunnel into the dungeon walls and build a network of tunnels. We’ll have to run through while they shoot at us through peepholes. There should be a barricade up ahead manned by Soviet Bomber Gnomes with Molotov cocktails and some Roman Legionnaire Gnomes blocking the front.”
“Does that match what you saw?” Diana asked while looking at Eden.
The silver-haired treader nodded. “Perfectly. He identified all the enemies, their approximate locations, and the threats that I noticed.”
Everybody stared at me with mixed expressions of confusion and disbelief.
“How do you know all that?” Diana muttered. “Nevermind, don’t answer right now. You said you know a way to get through this?”
“I do,” I affirmed.
I motioned for them to move closer and we all huddled together while I explained the plan.
Lilith moved a little closer to listen in.
After a few minutes of hashing out the details, we separated.
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Eden mumbled as she stepped into the shadows and disappeared.
I’d never say this out loud but, as the author, I can confidently say that I have no idea what I’m doing eighty percent of the time.
“You’re up Gebnir,” I said while slapping Luxjo on the shoulder.
He moved to the front with a determined expression on his face. Our plan required him to absorb a lot of damage, so I imagine he was preparing himself mentally for the pain.
Taking a moment to channel my mana to my fingertips, I released a few sparks, momentarily illuminating the damp caverns ahead of us. Then, with a bit of effort, I created a spark that would persist until we reached the natural lighting of the dungeon forest.
Jolts of fiery lightning ran through the mana scar on my right hand, but I gritted my teeth and pushed through the agony. Sweat beaded on my forehead as I focused on the spell. A brilliant light formed on my palm, radiating an intense heat that made my skin prickle and threatened to blister it. I moved the orb of light away as quickly as I could, feeling the heat dissipate slightly as the distance increased.
The light floated above our heads, casting away the oppressive darkness that surrounded us. Shadows retreated from the vibrant glow, revealing the damp, moss-covered ground and shimmering pools of water at our feet. The air, previously thick with tension and uncertainty, now seemed to crackle with renewed energy. It was time to face the monsters hiding in the darkness.
“Let’s move,” I said once I was confident that I could maintain it.
Luxjo took the lead with a determined stride. Diana and I followed closely, eyes scanning the surroundings for any signs of danger. Lilith maintained a safe distance from the group, channeling her personal barrier with practiced ease. A subtle distortion in the air around her was the only indication of her conjured protection.
Like that, we traversed the cave’s winding passages for several tense minutes, our footsteps echoing softly off the damp, mossy walls. Finally, we approached a sharp bend, the darkness beyond it beckoning ominously. We paused, exchanging determined glances tainted by a hint of anxiety.
“This is it,” I murmured, anticipation welling up inside my chest. “As soon as we turn that corner, all hell will break loose.”
Diana’s shoulders tightened with apprehension.
I gave her a light, reassuring pat on the back. “Relax, princess. We’ve got this.”
She glared at me while clutching her magic staff closer to her chest. “Just do your part,” she growled back. Drawing a deep breath to steady her nerves, she conjured a magical barrier around the two of us, leaving Luxjo outside its protection.
With one final check to ensure our readiness, Luxjo rounded the corner at full tilt, with Diana and me following close behind.
Before any of us could process what had happened, Luxjo recoiled. In an instant, hundreds of bullets pelted Diana’s barrier and ricocheted, several finding their mark on Luxjo’s back. The Gebnir’s body was riddled with bullet wounds, yet the hail of gunfire kept on coming, the projectiles whizzing past us or crumbling against the barrier in a relentless barrage.
Luxjo threw his head back and roared, his eyes blazing a fiery crimson as his body expelled the embedded bullets and his wounds began to close.
Beyond him, I spotted a row of redcoats perched on a small platform, their AK-47s aimed directly at us. Due to their small frames, a few of them cracked their clay arms from the recoil, and their aim was woefully awful. If it weren’t for their fragile bodies, they would probably be one or two ranks higher as monsters.
Beneath the line of redcoats was a barricade manned by Soviet Bomber Gnomes, distinguished by their blue uniforms, ushanka hats, and the flaming bottles clutched in their hands. Guarding the front of the gnomes and nestled behind the wooden barricade was a phalanx of Roman Legionnaire Gnomes adopting a tortoise formation. If one looked closely, the barrels of even more AK-47s could be seen protruding from behind the shields.
Seeing that everything was exactly as I expected it to be, I couldn’t help but smile. It was time to put our plan into action.
Eden appeared a good distance behind the line of redcoats, her shadow illuminated by the light that barely filtered through the trees at her back. The gentle blue aura around her bow flared for a moment, and then dozens of glowing blue arrows hit the gnomes from behind, shattering their clay bodies with deadly precision.
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Luxjo pressed his arms together and molded them into a fleshy shield before giving me a nod. With his signal, I drew my explosive light back to my palm and gathered as much mana to my palm as I could. My heart raced, anticipation coursing through my veins, dulling the protesting agony of my mana scar. With a roar, I filled the small light with all the power I could muster.
Screw efficient energy transfer! Take everything I have!
The light flickered for a moment before expanding, momentarily blinding us and the gnomes. The hail of bullets faltered, giving Diana and Luxjo a much-needed reprieve.
I stepped outside the barrier and hurled the pulsing orb at the Soviet Bomber Gnomes. It arced just over the top of the phalanx guarding them and landed in their midst, the detonation illuminating the cavern and igniting the Molotov cocktails in a brilliant blaze, the chain reaction taking out the entire line of gnomes and the platform behind them.
The initial explosion wasn’t nearly as big as the ones I made in the training fields; the hard work I put in these last few days was finally showing results.
Taking advantage of the chaos, Luxjo charged into the phalanx of Roman Legionnaire Gnomes. Diana lowered her barrier and summoned a thick, impenetrable wall of vines and roots to entangle the gnomes, immobilizing them and halting their gunfire.
Luxjo crashed into the shields, his form devolving into a mass of flesh that oozed through the gaps in the obstructing metal slabs. Once he was inside, he formed his arms and legs into razor-sharp tendrils, which he used to slice through the remaining gnomes, their clay bodies crumbling under his relentless assault.
When the last gnome shattered, there was a brief pause.
“...Did we do it?” Diana muttered to herself.
I rolled my eyes at the obvious flag.
It took a few seconds for the dust to settle, revealing a poorly lit cavern littered with broken fragments of gnomes.
Eden reappeared next to us and said, “Well, that was a decent start…”
The three of us flinched as a hail of bullets bounced off a barrier that appeared at the last moment. The deafening roar came from within the walls, little bits of fire and lead erupting from narrow slits that were hard to see unless someone was looking for them.
Lilith stepped between us while concentrating on manifesting her magical barrier. “That’ll be a deduction for needing to be rescued,” she said. “Well done with the first group, though.”
She twirled her finger through the air, drawing a magic circle with her lilac-colored mana. Though she only drew one circle, it was more than enough to handle the current situation. The moment she completed it, fire erupted from the center of the circle and scattered, precisely penetrating each and every slit and obliterating gnomes in the walls.
“Wow…” I uttered, dazed.
Lilith smirked and said, “Your explosion wasn’t half bad. You’re a little rough around the edges, but you have potential.”
“Thanks, I guess?” I replied while sheepishly scratching the back of my neck.
The succubus turned and studied the rest of the group with a critical eye. Luxjo had managed to rejoin us at some point, though I only noticed just now.
“Are you going to continue clearing the dungeon?” she asked.
This was part of the test. Now that we learned that the dungeon was too dangerous for us, we were supposed to back off here. Failing to arrive at the correct conclusion would result in further deductions.
“There’s a whole forest full of those monsters beyond here, right?” Diana asked while looking at Eden.
“That’s right,” she affirmed. “I didn’t scout inside since I didn’t want to move too far away from you guys, so I don’t know much about the dangers yet.”
“I can continue,” Luxjo said. “These weak creatures aren’t dangerous for me.”
“...Is stopping an option?” Diana asked. “What about our grade?”
This was why the second group failed in the original novel. Neither Diana nor August could afford to let the other get a better grade than them. Since they were in different groups, they both chose to continue, unaware that they lost points for doing so.
There was only one real difference between the two groups—Group 1 had Thaddeus in it. August got a lead on Diana since his group was carried by the main character.
Though even Thaddeus couldn’t handle the boss monster in this dungeon yet. His group would get rescued by Professor Lincoln at the end of the forest…
“So two of you wish to continue,” Lilith concluded. “What about the other two?”
“I’ll do whatever the group wants,” I said. “For the record, my vote is to stop here.”
“Even if your grade gets docked even further?” Diana challenged. “Oh, right. You already got docked for being late. I guess you don’t care about your grades, then?”
“...Huh? What kind of leap is that? I just don’t want to die.”
“Are you not a hero?” Eden asked. “Is it not the duty of Heroes to fight for the civilians of Earth?”
I rolled my eyes. “Alright, look. I get it. You guys saw some documentaries on human soldiers or something before coming here, right? Yes, sometimes soldiers and Heroes die fighting, but we aren’t fighting to protect people right now. Sometimes the stakes are low enough that we can choose the safe option.”
“I vote to continue,” Eden said while shooting me a defiant smirk.
I closed my eyes and resisted the urge to sigh. She clearly chose to continue just to spite me.
Did I piss her off too much in class?
I nodded toward Lilith. “I want it recorded that I tried to stop us.”
“Noted,” she said. “Well then, off with you all. I’ll be following behind, but don’t be too reckless.”
We made our way to the back of the cavern, which merged unnaturally into a sprawling, dark forest. At the boundary, stone and trees were morphed together into a twisted mesh.
The trees cast eerie shadows on the ground, the only light coming from the artificial dungeon light peeking through the dense trees, providing a dull, sickly glow. The underbrush was thick, and there was no clear path forward.
I nervously chewed on my lip as I peered into the foliage, trying to identify any of the hundreds of traps that were doubtlessly scattered throughout.
“I’ll take the lead,” Luxjo said.
He calmly made his way into the forest, the faint cracking of twigs and the rustling of branches marking his path. He took another step and then fell.
We rushed forward and found him spreading fleshy tendrils to latch onto the sides of a wide pit trap. Beneath him were rows of sharpened metal stakes that glistened with poison.
The Gebnir pulled himself out of the pit and reformed into his usual humanoid shape. “That was unexpected,” he said in a bored tone.
We continued to make our way forward, Luxjo taking the brunt of the traps and shaking off the effects with little more than disinterest. There were a few more concealed pit traps, and twice he was pierced by a hail of poisoned darts after stepping on a pressure plate. Tripwires, swinging logs, falling nets… we saw them all.
But the gnomes were conspicuously absent.
Eden tried to scout our surroundings, but she couldn’t find any of the little buggers anywhere.
This was different from the original novel.
“Where did all the gnomes go?” I wondered aloud.
“So you knew everything about the first group already, and now you know nothing?” Diana asked. “What’s going on with you, anyway?”
“I am the creator god of this world—The Almighty KittenSniper. You may refer to me as ‘Your Godliness’. I also answer to ‘Handsome’, ‘Master’, and ‘Brick’.”
She rolled her eyes. “Sure. So, ‘Your Godliness’, what’s really going on?”
I shrugged. I told her the truth; it was her loss for not believing me.
The rest of the way through the forest was relatively uneventful as Eden began to move around with more confidence. She identified and disabled most of the traps before we encountered them, so, for all intents and purposes, our trip through the woods could be described as a tense, yet casual stroll.
As we neared the end of the forest, we noticed a gradual change in our surroundings. The gnarled trees and dense underbrush started to thin out, and the dim dungeon light grew brighter, casting a wider, more illuminating glow on our surroundings. The air itself seemed fresher, carrying a pungent, almost acrid smell of metal and oil.
We continued cautiously and stepped out of the forest’s dark embrace into a sizeable clearing. The sudden absence of trees and undergrowth was a welcome reprieve from the constant threat of ambushes that never came. The ground was covered with soft grass that gently stroked our shoes, leaving behind damp streaks of morning dew.
In the center of the clearing, beneath the branches of an ancient tree, stood a dreadful monstrosity. It was a small gnome-like creature, a grotesque fusion of organic and mechanical parts.
“A Gnomonculus…” Eden whispered in shock.