---Richard---
Richard sat in the only bar in the tutorial town, watching people come and go. He was nursing some shitty nameless booze that tasted like boiled lard mixed with moonshine. It was so bad it wrapped around to being funny – like someone heard cheap booze was supposed to taste bad and actively worked towards making a bad booze so they could call it cheap…
🍺 Achievement get: Drink of some ‘Alcohol’.
Description: Destroyed your gut for the first time.
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Stat: +1 Mouth, Poison defense.
Stat: +1 Throat, Poison defense.
Stat: +1 Stomach, Poison defense.
His day so far had been eventful but not actually anything he would call interesting.
After learning about stats and how to get to the next area he had gone out and killed a monster – hammer smashed the nearest turtle – but…it was less exciting than he imagined. Sure breaking things was inherently fun, but being told to break something sucked the interest out of the exchange.
To add to the mob killing being unsatisfying, the damned thing had melted into nothing after being squished a few times.
It seems like this game is PG rated? Half the fun is seeing the flying bits – why was it being censored? To help squeamish people get used to it? Trick them into killing things on baby mode? Fuck that.
Richard had dipped from monster killing after a single attempt – picking out a free bedroom to leave his sledgehammer – and then decided to climb a building.
He had actually killed himself by climbing the tallest building in the town – the clock tower – then slipping off near the top. Just before he reached the clock, a section ended up being surprisingly slippery – like the lip had been greased or something.
That was a trip.
All Richard could say was dying in this game was strange. A flash of muted pain as his legs splintered and shot up through his chest. A splotch of fuzzy static for a loading screen and then he was standing on the street near where he had started.
His sense of time had been off.
That was the weirdest part. He had been in static for…a few seconds at most but the sky was suddenly dimmer and streetlights had been flicked on.
Between his fall and awakening on the streets, at least an hour had passed – probably more the sun had been relatively high and shifted to setting.
Besides the lost time as he respawned, there was something else – supposedly there was no long-lasting negative impact from dying in this game. “Supposedly” according to the TOS at least and he felt inclined to trust it. Despite there being ‘no long-lasting impact’, he felt strange and ‘off’ for almost an hour. Similar to the feeling he had gotten when he first arrived but worse.
Richard thought back to his last few achievements.
🔨 Achievement get: Kill with a hammer.
Description: Destroyed a monster for the first time.
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Stat: +2 Arm strength.
Passive skill: Hammer knowledge
Knowledge of how to better swing a hammer.
☠️ Achievement get: First kill.
Description: Destroyed a monster for the first time.
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Stat: +5 mental defense.
👟 Achievement get: A trip around the block.
Description: Run around the entire tutorial village.
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Stat: +1 leg speed.
🧠 Achievement get: The three stat leanings. (learn something new)
Description: Learn about stats, gain those stats get even more free stats.
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Stat: +1 mental power
🧗 Achievement get: Climber 2
Description: Climbed a reasonable distance using nothing but your body.
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Stat: +2 grip strength.
🥞 Achievement get: Fatal Faller
Description: Fallen to your own death. You died in a- the easymode sandbox. Wump wump. How pathetic, Have some pity stats.
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Stat: +3 sole bludgeoning defense.
Stat: +1 feet bludgeoning defense.
Stat: +1 knee bludgeoning defense
Stat: +1 leg defense.
Stat: +1 chest piercing defense.
His whole day could be described by those achievements. All the minor points cut away and boiled down to series of events that rewarded him.
Taking a sip of alcoholic fat Richard thought back further. He had zero interest in the various fetch quests offered, briefly been excited by the idea of killing a monster then disappointed once he found they were simply PG-13 animal punching bags.
When he summed up his entire day the most fun he had had was running along rooftops. He had heard the sound of pursuers and known he was being chased.
Falling off the clock tower had come close in terms of adrenaline but...he couldn't say it was a pleasant experience.
Why do I have galaxy brain levels of improvisation but can't plan a fun event for shit.
I just want to have some fun, life's not worth stressing over....I mean I guess there is one thing I haven't tried?
Richard hadn’t had a chance to use his bad luck skill yet, so sitting in the bar nursing his liquified sock he decided to test it out.
A pulse in his head as he activated the familiar skill and what felt like a shiver running down his back was the only feedback that it had been used.
Looking around Richard waited.
And waited.
A waiter tripped while carrying more waxy lard drink across the room – his tray tumbling forward and smashing the liquid across a women’s lap.
The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
She yelped and flinched backward – her scooting chair smashing into a second waiter who tilted his tray sideways.
The tray teetered back and forth as he attempted to regain control of it, then finally dumped a bowl of what Richard could only call ‘food’ onto a curly haired man’s head.
This man turned around and glared – eyes missing the waiter and locking onto the shocked and slightly smirking face of another warrior.
Roughly 15s into the activation of his skill and a small bar fight had begun breaking out in the center of the room.
Huh.
…Richard felt kind of detached from the process. It was definitely kind of funny the way it just kept going like dominos…but for the most part he didn’t get much enjoyment out of the skill use.
Not as much as he should have.
It kind of just felt pointless and disappointing. He hadn’t been the one to do it.
“Press button and indiscriminately fuck with people…” he muttered under his breath.
This skill didn’t suit him at all – the game hadn’t chosen a good one. It was also annoyingly weak and situational if he thought of it as a combat skill. Admittedly he hadn’t been going around asking players what skill they had gotten, but everyone else seemed to just need some time before they used it again not some convoluted resource-gathering minigame.
One woman killing monsters on the field for example – she could create a ball of napalm-like fire in her hands then chuck it at something once every few minutes. Simply lobbing the flame like a softball. Another – a man wearing a floppy hat – could clap his hands creating a huge flash of light in front of him seemingly every time he did so.
Alternatively, if he thought of it as a skill to have fun with, he was left disappointed as well.
Maybe Richard did like fucking with people, maybe the skill did match that part of him… but the skill itself removed a lot of the fun he got from the process.
Richard wanted to fuck with people he thought deserved it – not everyone nearby. He wanted to screw over people who thought they were invincible. Ruin an arrogant prick's day, have some fun at an incel's expense.
Not as some moral thing or some childish thoughts of justice – nah Richard just had a 'type' of victim he preferred.
“Ah fuck it, I’m going for a walk.”
Richard left his drink on the wooden table and moved out into the street – stepping around a groaning drunk vomiting chunks of food that looked just as appetizing as it had been on the plate.
“Might even have improved how it looks? Meh” Richard lost interest.
Darkness had come quickly and the surroundings were lit by bright streetlights shining down in perfect rings of light along the bricks. The air had grown chilly and a few steps away from the bar the sound of the brawl behind him faded.
Spinning and picking a direction at random Richard began strolling down the street. He felt slightly tipsy as he walked – more focus than needed directed towards putting one foot in front of the other…less focus spent actually looking at the surroundings. It all looked so ‘samey’ – the brightly painted walls identical in clean primary blandness.
After travelling a block, Richard was compelled to fill the silence somehow.
“One of the funniest things I can think of right now is that time I heard about a Florida man sneaking a crocodile into a cop car…you see ‘MR System’, it's funny because they are pigs and definitely deserved it. ACAB after all.” Ricard spoke softly his slightly slurred voice barely carrying in the silence of the street.
“Thinking about them opening the door and seeing T-Rex jaws…heh…” Richard snorted and peered into a closed shop, his breath fogging up the window as he squinted and scanned the interior.
“So…Brainstorming something that might be fun. I’d say I'd like to fuck with the guards but…well they are NPC’s. What’s even the point right? It's so much fun to fuck with other players in video games than the bundles of code wandering about. It's real. If you get a reaction from a person they gave you that reaction. If you get one from an AI it's because the creator allowed you to get one.”
Richard always trolled in multiplayer games. It entertained him more than the story or goal of most games. Messing with people online helped him relax in a way nothing else did.
…it was a shitty hobby for a shitty human being, but one he kept falling back on like an addict.
“Then again…I also heard of a different Florida man robbing a drive-through with a crocodile as a weapon. The mad lad threw the murder lizard through the window – what a legend – and honestly that’s just as fun as the cop guy... wouldn’t you say?”
Richard continued talking to his silent system – the only thing around to listen to his tipsy speech as he tried jimmying open the front door. It was locked and he didn’t have a credit card or similar to try and break in…not that he was actually that practiced at breaking in despite the number of times he had snuck into places for ‘pranks’ over the years.
“So really…it’s the crocodile that’s hilarious right?” Richard found himself wandering around the side of the shop. He checked a closed window before moving further back towards a slightly ajar door casting light onto the dumpster beside it.
“And the crocodile is funny because of how absurd it is right? Comedy is sure fun when you try to analyze it right? Ahhh…fuck why can’t I think of anything spontaneous?” Richard tested the back door finding it unlocked and stepped inside.
“Is someone there?” A sleepy voice asked from within a side room of the shop.
Turning the corner as he stepped into the building Richard saw a confused-looking NPC holding what appeared to be a baggy shirt in his rough and calloused hands. He was in the middle of getting dressed for bed when Richard had come across him – thankfully already in pyjama pants.
“Hey! Can you tell me about stats? What type of stats can the three be used on?” Richard blanked for half a second before saying the first thing that came to his mind.
“Oh! Of course I can teach you about that.” The NPC relaxed. “Starting with the body, most power stats indicate physical strength of some sort. If you have an ‘arm power’ stat for example, your arms are stronger. Besides physical strength, we have most of the senses. Power in your nose will make you better able to smell thi–”
Richard grabbed the shopkeeper's shirt out of his hands and wrapped it up and around their throat – pulling them down against his side and pushing down with all his strength.
The NPC Struggled for a bit – longer than Richard had imagined they would – before going limp and unconscious as they flopped onto the ground.
…considering Richard had no experience choking someone out it felt surprisingly easy.
💫 Achievement get: Non lethal takedown 1 (non stealth) (rare)
Description: Made a creature unconscious after startling them.
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Stat: +1 Reaction speed.
Stat: +2 Body strength.
💬 Achievement get: Tricked! (uncommon)
Description: Trick an intelligent creature before attacking.
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Stat: +2 lie generation power.
Stat: +1 planning speed.
🧛 Achievement get: Breaking and entering. (uncommon)
Description: Subdued an 'NPC' in their own home.
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Stat: +1 fear defense.
Stat: +1 decision making power.
Passive Skill: Sneak knowledge
Knowledge of how best to sneak about...you know, like a criminal.
Richard stood breathing heavily all sense of being tipsy gone through the adrenaline.
This was fun!
…he briefly considered finishing the job, but some part of his mind rebelled despite dismissing the NPC as being a mindless puppet.
…I’m not cosplaying a serial killer why am I spending so much time thinking about merking the guy? I’m…what am I doing actually? Fuck I did this without a plan didn’t I? Got tired of brainstorming with my non existent imagination? I guess I did want something spontaneous…
Looking around in the silence, Richard began talking once more – this time directing all his remarks down at the unconscious body.
“Now… let's tie you up with those bedsheets – don’t make this weird – and figure out what I can do with your ‘store’. Maybe I’ll figure out something great after looking about? Wish me luck big guy.”
Rubbing his head slightly Richard got to work.
…
The next day had Richard standing in front of 'his' new store – handing out free desserts and telling players who came close 'mostly helpful' information.
The shop he had infiltrated was a bakery of sorts, with a bedroom, a kitchen and a front area full of pre-baked goods.
Richard had tried his hand at making more deserts last night but his lumpy cookies looked decidedly different from the rest of the offerings… and the +1 brain power achievement for cooking them all did not seem worth it – at least in comparison to the amount of effort he had put in.
Everything had kind of gotten out of hand, he had attacked and replaced the baker on a whim but now he felt like he couldn’t leave. He wished there was something to lace the deserts with – him giving advice was just an attempt at making this whole scenario less a waste of his time.
“Yes, I heard there's an achievement for shooting a bow while standing on your head and hitting your target. There's a secret rare achievement for doing so in the sewers and killing one of these giant rats – you didn’t hear that from me!”
Thanking him, a stooge with a bow ran off excitedly to gain his new achievements.
…they probably actually were achievements now that Richard thought about it – he just thought the idea of making someone stand on their head in the sewers was a lark.
“Hey! You over there, Want to learn a secret? There’s an achievement for killing your friends – the betrayer gives you a nice stat bonus~”
“Want to know a secret? Removing a guard's clothing gives you a strong bonus.”
🧓 Achievement get: Quest giver 1
Description: Inform multiple people about previously unknown achievements
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Stat: +1 Wisdom.
…this is less fun when I know those are actually achievements. System’s prank blue balling me.
Dropping the cupcake he was handing someone Richard abandoned the charade and began walking away from his store. As he was leaving the bow guy came running up to him excitedly.
“You were right Mr baker! I got the handstand bow shot – 7 balance, 2 arm strength, 1 eyesight. I’m going to try and get the sewer achievement next! This is the best achievement I’ve gotten so far! Thank you!”
“…no problem.” Richard responded pushing past him.
Richard wandered through the town trying to find something to do. He used his chaos field once – at least a point had been gained from his 'advice' gig – and watched an NPC on a bike fall over, crashing into a player holding a giant sword.
Both apologized to each other furiously and Richard’s eyes glazed over. There’s no point in any of this…maybe the next area will be more fun? I have more than enough points by now right?
…
Looking back up towards the clock tower Richard shrugged and moved to climb and jump off it once more.
Just for good luck. Throw the system off its game.