Tales Of The Floridiot's
The Painter
AIDEN:
Hello, there reader, I'm the nerd who wrote the past two stories you might have read. Those, they were about my dad and me learning about how our unhinged world is strange as heck!
Anyways I’m the current insane “leader” of the “Floridiots!”
This crazy adventure is set deep within 2020.
At this point I and everyone that was there during this had been living like this most of their lives, so due to that we may seem strange, or maybe not idkkkkkkkkkk.
Now, here's an average day in my life:
…
(Me peacefully sleeping for the first time in three days.)
(LOUD A** ALARM NOISES!!!!!!)
(Wakes up being stared at by my cat Jaba.)
What?
(The alarm continues to blare, as Jaba keeps staring at me.)
(Push the fat brat cat off of me onto the bed before violently hitting snooze.)
YEET!
(Rolls out of my bed (that is like a bunkbed but has no bottom bed) then falls to the floor unaffected.)
Oi, skittle!
(Looks at my brother sitting under the parallel raised bed in his chair playing Minecraft.)
MAX:
Morning.
(Continues to play Minecraft.)
AIDEN:
Oh, that’s how you're going to act after making me not sleep for three days AGAIN!
MAX:
(Pauses the game.)
Really? IT WAS YOUR IDEA.
(Does air quote thing with fingers, well still holding the PS4 controller.)
“Let's get to max level and not sleep till we get there!”
(He says in a high-pitched voice.)
AIDEN:
Okay first of all you know I’m a chaotic little sh*t and will do stupid things when you go along with them.
MAX:
Tell me again why you are the leader of the group of maniacs?
AIDEN:
Because the things we fight get confused when I valiantly yeet myself at them.
MAX:
Ehhhh fair enuogh.
AIDEN:
I’m gonna go bug Kirra. But first, COFFEE!
(Leaves the room hitting my shoulder on the door frame.)
Ow-
(Walks by my Dad as he wrights most likely another best seller.)
Hello there.
BILLY(My Dad):
Boy, about time you leave your room.
AIDEN:
…
What?
BILLY:
And you fail.
AIDEN:
Coffee.
(I walk into the kitchen waving to my stepmom Casey.)
CASEY:
Good morning!
AIDEN:
Hello there.
(I grabbed a K-cup put it in the coffee maker put my Star Wars mug under it and turned it on then grabbed my vanilla creamer and waited.)
(Drip.)
(Drip.)
(Drip.)
…
Sh*t. It’s broken.
CASEY:
I’ll go get a new one later.
AIDEN:
But I need coffee NOW!
CASEY:
You’ll live.
AIDEN:
Wow Sherlock Homes, I literally can’t die.
Not that I haven’t tried!
SKETTILE!!
MAX:
Yes?
(He says from behind me.)
AIDEN:
AHHH!!
(I turn around quickly.)
You little brat!!
MAX:
(He smiles as he looks down at me.)
AIDEN:
DIE.
(I slip on my flip-flops and open the door walking out of the house well closely being followed by Max.)
(We walk down our street then turn left down the next one then have the last right turn and we are at our uncle Mike's.)
Children first.
(I stand aside so Max may go.)
MAX:
Haha, old man.
(He knocks on the door once.)
(We both wait for like four minutes then I knock much more dramatically.)
(The door opens a second later.)
CARL:
Hi Aiden, hello Max.
ME AND MAX:
Hi there!
AIDEN:
Now let us in.
(I push through the small eight-year-old out of fear that if I don’t move quickly he’ll do something unhinged.)
CARL:
Yes, run!!!!
(He says in his terrifying high-pitched voice.)
AIDEN:
(I just kept walking.)
Me and Max get to Kirra’s planning/map room.
KIRRA:
Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.
Hello fellow children, want some coffee?
AIDEN:
YES.
MAX:
Sure!
AIDEN:
So what's up?
KIRRA:
In the past three days, five kids ages seven to seventeen have gone missing.
AIDEN:
Ah! Well, that’s tragic.
Anyways! What do we know about them?
MAX:
(LOUDLY SIPS COFFEE.)
KIRRA:
BOI- stop.
And that's the thing. all we know is they disappeared and that the one thing they had in common was they were all troublemakers.
AIDEN:
Ah, so then why aren’t we gone into ze lands of non-existing yet? Our whole thing is literally being a group that summons magic powers that are made up of trouble!
(One of Kirra’s many monitors lights up with a notification.)
KIRRA:
(She walks over to it before nervously laughing.)
Well looks like I have a answer for you.
(She moves out of the way of the screen.)
(It shows a picture that was just put on social media of one of the kids that went missing.)
MAX:
Oh lord-
(He covers his mouth.)
AIDEN:
Well, that's strange, even for the stuff we’ve seen.
(The kid was chained to a bed in the forest, there was multicolor paint running out of his mouth and he had bruises on the top half of his face as if someone held him down by holding his head.)
Where is that picture taken?
KIRRA:
One second…
Some random place that is far past the end of fifth avenue.
AIDEN:
Wait that means whoever did this is just a mile or so behind our house?
MAX:
Nonononononono.
KIRRA:
Lol.
AIDEN:
Okay, Kirra we all are going on a walk behind my house.
KIRRA AND MAX:
AH HELL NA!
AIDEN:
This is going to be fun.
KIRRA:
Ok listen up, you might not be able to get killed by most stuff. But we can! And what if this is one of those creatures that can kill you?
AIDEN:
Well, I’ve never met one of those before but I’d just come back so I'll be fine! Also, I’m the most dangerous person alive, Max is op as heck, and you have throwing knives!
(Dose finger guns to Kirra.)
Now let's goooooo!!
KIRRA:
How are we this dumb?
MAX:
Idk…
AIDEN:
(DRINKS THE REST OF MY COFFEE!)
(Kirra and Max follow me as we make our way out of Mike’s house.)
Okay, Jesse, you are in charge well we go do something stupid, no turning Carl into a zombie or somethin, okay?
JESSE:
(He turns to me and nods.)
No killing Max boss I still need him to code the cameras on the shop.
AIDEN:
Oki Doki.
MAX:
I’ll do it Thursday.
JESSE:
Wednesday.
MAX:
Finnnnnnnnne.
KIRRA:
(She opens the door, me and Max walk through and then Max closes it.)
So to the shop? Right?
AIDEN:
Mhm… Like I’m crazy but I’m not dumb, we will need are weapons.
KIRRA:
Oh, thank god.
AIDEN:
What did you think I wasn’t going to act like this hike isn’t going to end in a fight?
KIRRA:
(Does a dead stair.)
MAX:
You are insane, to be honest…
AIDEN:
Yeah but not that crazy!
MAX:
We never really know to be honest.
(He shrugs.)
AIDEN:
Do you two have no belief in me?
KIRRA:
Not really…
(Laughs slightly evilly, then looks at me like “are we going to do something?”)
AIDEN:
Okay, okay. To the shop!
(All three of us walk down the hill behind Mike's house till we get to the shop.)
KIRRA:
(Puts in the code to open the door.)
(I only am unable to see the numbers she puts in. The reason I don’t have the password to the shop is due to Jesse not trusting me due to me being crazy and that if I had it I would most likely do something really stupid, which is true but I still try to get it.)
(As we all walk into the shop we make our way past all of Jesse’s science stuff, Mike’s guns, and my Dad’s dangerous relics, down to our area.)
KIRRA:
(Grabs her leather jacket, which has her throwing knives on the inside.)
MAX:
(He picks up and puts on his shoulder guard, then grabs his axe, and hooks it to his back.)
AIDEN:
(I grab my belt and put it on, clicking on the sheath with my mini-machete. Then grab my sheathed katana and slid it over my head.)
Okay everyone ready?
MAX AND KIRRA:
Sure.
…
(Thirty-five minutes later.)
KIRRA:
Only three days? WOW, you two really are noobs. Imagine sleeping.
(Nervous laughter.)
Otherwise… We’re here!
ME AND MAX:
(We both stop looking at Kirra and looked forward into the forest that was only lit up by beams of sunlight cutting through the darkness.)
MAX:
Am I the only one that is scared?
ME AND KIRRA:
Yep.
(As all three of us walked in we felt the difference between the outside of the forest that had the summer sun shining giving the rare Washington warmth and this dark cold forest.)
MAX:
Hey guys, shouldn’t it still be hot in here? Like it’s a hot day all these trees do is block out the sun.
AIDEN:
It’s because whatever is in here is very evil.
KIRRA:
OH! Just like me and you child!
MAX:
(Points at himself in confusion.)
AIDEN:
(I shake my head at Max so he’s less confused.)
Okay, first of all, shush. Second just because we always get chaotic evil on our moral alignment test means nothing!
KIRRA:
SUUUUUURE…
(She rolls her eyes.)
MAX:
Uhhhhhh…
AIDEN:
Bruh I should punt your brat a**!
(Suddenly we start to hear clapping that’s slowly getting louder.)
We all pull out our weapons:
(I pulled out my katana.)
KIRRA:
(Pulls out a throwing knife for each hand.)
MAX:
(Unclips his axe from his back.)
MAX:
OKAY, WHAT THE FUUUUUU-
SOMEONE BEHIND MAX:
BOO!
MAX:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(We turn around quickly.)
SOME CREEPY MAN:
HAHAHAAHA WHEEEZE!!!
(We all look at the middle age looking man whos wearing old overalls and a crapy shirt and whose skin is white as the moon as are his clothes but with multicolor paint splatter that is also dripping from out under his clothes.)
How thine croissants you little sh*ts?
KIRRA:
(Burst out laughing.)
YOUR FRENCH??
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
ME AND MAX:
OKAY, WHO ARE YOU???
KIRRA:
JINKS!!
(Continues to laugh.)
JACK THE PAINTER:
I’m Jack, Jack The Painter.
MAX:
Okay…?
AIDEN:
So are we good or are we gonna fight?
KIRRA:
I wanna fight the French b*tch.
JACK:
Hmmmmmmm, are you three troublemakers?
MAX:
We’re Shulz’s, so yeah, but beware we are legally insane!
JACK:
Well, I knew that you are Shulz’s but I guess I was expecting a less insane group like I don’t know, the last group of Shulz’s.
AIDEN:
Ah, so you're from Florida?
JACK:
Indeed.
(He nods.)
MAX AND KIRRA:
Okay, THEN WHY ARE YOU FRENCH???
JACK:
I AM FRENCH BECAUSE I AM FRENCH!!!
(He continued to argue about why he is French with Kirra and Max for about three minutes.)
AIDEN:
(I sneak behind him and am swinging my katana at his head as he turns around and grabs it by the blade.)
JACK:
Why that be a very good try, and by the way, I’m sorry your father is who?
AIDEN:
OH, my Dad is Billy.
JACK:
Ah okay, well I’m sorry he never told you about me. But I’mimmortal.
AIDEN:
OH, NO WAY! I am too!
JACK:
(He let’s go of my katana, then I put it back in its sheath on my back.)
Wait your immortal?
AIDEN:
Yeah.
JACK:
Huh, now wtf am I mean to do?
Like yeah, I can kill those two brats, but you lead them so like…
AIDEN:
Rip.
Anyways…
(I punch Jack into a tree.)
Okay, you two time to run!
ME, MAX, AND KIRRA:
(We run away from Jack as he gains speed, running towards us.)
AIDEN:
(I pull out my katana and swing it at Jack as Kirra and Max keep running.)
(He once again just grabs the blade. Before throwing it into a tree.)
Do you know how annoying it will be when it’s time for me to get it out of that thing?!!
JACK:
No, I don’t my good sir.
AIDEN:
Dang, that’s really nice, thanks!
JACK:
No problem.
ME AND JACK:
Anyways…
AIDEN:
YEET!
(I tackle Jack.)
(As I have him on the ground I punch him many times but all that happens is I get a bunch of paint on my fingerless gloves and clothes.)
BRUH.
You’re less of a villain and more of a jerk.
JACK:
Question? What are you?
AIDEN:
I’m insane!
(Kirra and Max come back With my dad and Carl.)
MAX:
There they are!
JACK:
HAHA, here we go, now watch as you see the first of your family to die!
(Out of the ground ropes of paint rap all four of them up.)
(Then he throws a beam of paint at Carl.)
CARL:
(Gets hit by the beam getting thrown into a tree, but about ten seconds later he gets up unaffected.)
(He smacks the remaining paint-rope still on him off but has a massive distance between him and us now.)
JACK:
(Looks down at me.)
AIDEN:
Carl is also immortal.
JACK:
HOW MANY OF THIS GENERATION ARE IMMORTAL?
AIDEN:
Just me and Carl.
JACK:
THANK GOODNESS.
(He throws a purple beam of paint at Kirra that hits her head, throwing her to the ground.)
AIDEN:
OKAY, THAT’S ENOUGH!
(I try to break free of his grasp.)
JACK:
Oh no, I’m not done with you, I still got to drown you whether you die or not.
AIDEN:
Oh hell na!
JACK:
(Puts a foot on my chest and a hand over my eyes as he moves one over my mouth.)
(The hand over my eye drips paint that starts to rap around me.)
AIDEN:
NOPE!
(I push my right hand free and land a good punch that gets Jack off of me.)
(I get up annoyed and ready to at least try to do some damage to this strange ass French dude.)
MAX AND BILLY:
(They are still tied in pain ropes.)
This is going to be entertaining!
AIDEN:
GET READY TO NEVER HAVE THE CHANCE TO EAT ANOTHER CROSSONT!!
JACK:
SURE, SURE!
AIDEN:
(I punch Jack into a tree, but as he is still on the ground grabs my leg and throws me.)
(As I spin through the air I start to see my reflection in my katana till I close my eyes the next thing I know is I’m on a couch with bandages covering most of the top half of my face.)
OI!?
KIRRA:
Ah great, your up!
AIDEN:
(I hear footsteps as the bandages are removed.)
(As I look up at Kirra I look closer at her hair.)
Is your hair purple?
KIRRA:
Yep, a permanent gift from Jack. He died my hair and hair sells purple!
AIDEN:
Okay, so how did you stop him?
Simple my dad got off work Casey told him what was going on he made his way to us and using a missile launcher he shot Jack into the river.
AIDEN:
Dang.
KIRRA:
Anyways it’s time for dinner, you should change we are going to the Lucky Gator.
AIDEN:
OOOOO, I love Chinese food!
…
And that is how I met (Jack) The Painter, got a scar-like scratch I still have across my eyelids and noes, and to me, it was just another Monday.