Tales Of The Floridiot's

The Floridiot Civil War

AIDEN:

Hello there reader, One week after the Battle of Dunes summer camp we went camping near Mount Saint Helens where me and Max had to deal with everyone trying to turn on us!

Along with Kirra's new magic opened a portal to Hell!

Here’s that story!

…

AIDEN:

(Falls out of my bed as I tackle my alarm that is going off at five in the morning.)

Max get your but up!

(I stumble over my blankets as I go over to Max’s bed.)

(Climbs up the ladder on his bed. Pulls his blankets off of him.)

GET UUUUUP!

(Falls off his ladder as he pushes me.)

MAX:

I HEARD THE FIRST TIME!

JEEZ.

…

(After a few minutes we are ready after we get our camping gear on.)

(I put on my Waffle house hat, I leave my katana on the shelf, and grab my walking stick.)

MAX:

(Opens the door to every door in the house being on.)

AIDEN:

(I blink about a hundred times.)

BILLY(My Dad):

Boy, Max, you two go run over to Mike’s and get them ready because Mike keeps saying Jesse and Kirra aren’t ready!

AIDEN AND MAX:

(We suddenly are warped to the living room of Mike’s house.)

KIRRA:

We are ready but Mr. Mad Scientist needs to pack up every surgery tool he has for a three-day camping trip!!!

AIDEN:

Jesse. We had a deal. I let you do whatever you want as long as you listen to me.

JESSE:

Yes Aiden, I was working on my first cloning project when I was told that we were leaving something that I didn’t even know was happening!?

AIDEN:

First of all, I thought you called me boss?

Second of all we are going camping and you are going that is not negotiable.

JESSE:

Well AIDEN you are unfit to lead you aren't very smart when it comes to planning, yes you have a fair bit of knowledge but I’ve seen your tactics and they are horrible. And yes I would love to follow a leader but logic dictates the smartest person when it comes to tactics must lead and if anyone should lead it would be me who is the most innovative Shulz family member in recorded history!

MAX:

That teleportation was new magic right Kirra?

KIRRA:

Yep! Three weeks of magic and I’ve learned a lot!

AIDEN:

(Pours coffee into a random cup.)

JESSE:

So no I won’t go on a quest for adventure that is unneeded, if anything we should be testing Kirra to find out why she is such a powerful witch?!

AIDEN:

Carl knock your brother out.

JESSE:

FU-

CARL:

HA!

(Knocks Jesse out in an instant.)

…

(A few hours later.)

(My Dad parks the car.)

CARL:

(PULLS ME OFF THE CAR DOOR THEN THROWS ME INTO A TREE.)

JESSE SAID YOU WERE TRYING TO CONTROL ME!

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

NO ONE CONTROLS CARL THE DESTROYER!!!!!!!!

MAX:

(Walks out of the other side of the car then throws me my walking stick.)

AIDEN:

Shut up, Carl.

(I run up and hit Carl over the head with the piece of driftwood.)

CARL:

I WILL NOT BE CONTROLLED! And that did nothing.

AIDEN:

Uhhhh….

Go do something productive.

MAX:

That was easy.

AIDEN:

(Grabs and mango and starts eating.)

Yeah, but I don’t like Jesse’s current actions.

MAX:

Same but I told you it would happen one day, he’s too smart for anyone's good.

JESSE:

(Is standing in between me and Max.)

INCORRECT. You are just incompetent. Now know this Mr. Aiden Shulz, I will only ever help you if it furthers my goals or we are mutually in danger

AIDEN:

I’m never in danger.

JESSE:

I meant mentally.

You have a need to follow the morals you gave yourself. It’s your weakness.

(He walks away.)

MAX:

I didn’t like that.

AIDEN:

Same. Though Mr. Shulz does sound cool.

MAX:

Whatever, hopefully, Kirra is still sane!

(We go find Kirra.)

KIRRA:

(Is doing a ritual.)

What’s up?

Other than Carl being crazy and Jesse finally turning on you?

AIDEN:

Kirra please tell me you are still with us?!

KIRRA:

Of course. How else would we be a book trio?

Also, you need at least one person who can get us good info.

AIDEN:

Thank Murphy.

KIRRA:

EHHHHH, I wouldn’t? But you do you I guess.

(The ritual she was doing is done.)

MAX:

What is that?

KIRRA:

TEA!

(She holds up the cup of black tea.)

(The ritual she was doing suddenly reopens and all we see is blue fire and lava.)

MAX:

WHAT THE FU- Eww that smells like sulfur!?

AIDEN:

KIRRA?

KIRRA:

RUN!

(We all take a bunch of steps back.)

AIDEN:

I regret leaving my katana.

KIRRA:

Isn’t it in your pocket at all times?

AIDEN:

It’s in my pocket when it’s in my pocket. Like the blade retracts and I put it in my pocket along with all the other stuff in them.

MAX:

(Kicks a rock at a demon who was flying at us.)

JESSE:

(Laughs at us on top of a hill on the other side of the river.)

AIDEN:

(I impale a demon with my stick.)

What are you laughing at?

JESSE:

Your oh-so-powerful witch has just as little of an idea of her powers as you do!

AIDEN:

Come down here and see about that!

(Gets tackled by a demon as it flies. I kick free.)

Come on, Murphy could use my katana.

(Another demon grabs me and burns my hat)

(I break my stick as I smash the demon into the ground.)

KATANA!

 (It appears in the air. I grab it and swing, cutting a demon in half.)

That’s how you use a magic sword!

(As I run my flip flop flies off my foot.)

Crap!

(I quickly hop on one foot over to it before running over to help Max.)

MAX!

MAX:

No, not me, go to Kirra.

AIDEN:

True.

KIRRA:

I’m working on closing it!

AIDEN:

(Stabs my sword through a demon's head.)

KIRRA:

(Turns demons to stone when they get close to her.)

AIDEN AND MAX:

(Run up to Kirra after killing the last of the demons.)

KIRRA:

(Turns over to us with her hand still growing purple like she was going to turn us to stone!)

MAX:

KIRRA ANOTHER TIME OKAY!?

KIRRA:

Give me space, I'm closing the portal!

(As she does her spell and 3D glyphs circle around the portal I see a bald fat dude walking near the mirror-looking portal.)

MAX:

WHOM THE F ARE YOU?

DAVE:

I AM DAVE LORD OF ORDER AND MASTER OF HELL.

(The strange fat dude screams as Max flies back.)

AIDEN:

Your demons are weak. What about you?

DAVE:

I could end you. But not today.

AIDEN:

Okay then?

DAVE:

But know this. THERE WILL COME A DAY UNLIKE ANY OTHER WHERE YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGHT EVERY ENEMY YOU COULD IMAGINE. THEN WE WILL FIGHT.

AIDEN:

Then I’ll tell you this once I never stay down!

DAVE:

Because it will never be your time.

(The portal closes as Max gets up.)

KIRRA:

OKAY, I HEARD NONE OF THAT. What da B*tch say?

AIDEN:

I forgot…

JESSE:

HA! Well, it seems at least I’m not the only one who wants order!

(He walks off.)

AIDEN:

We are going to have to keep our eye on him.

MAX:

We fought lots of things. But like Jack The Painter shows up and now we have true enemies?!

AIDEN:

I have a feeling that list is going to grow.

Now I need coffee!

…

And that’s the story of how Jesse turned on me and we got a message from DAVE The Devil.