Tales Of The Floridiot's

I Got Attacked By A Flying Bagel

Okay, so this is how my life stopped being normal.

It was early spring 2012 and it had been raining for a week. The air was crisp and dense. We lived deep in the Washington forest on Speelyai Mountain and a thick fog covered it. It was 10:00 in the morning but felt lattte at night due to the darkness. And I Aiden B, Shulz was in the kitchen to get a snack between my school work.

It had been a few weeks since we went down the Mountain to get supplies. So I was desperately looking through the snack cabinet for some chips but all I found was a single bag of everything bagels.

“Ehhhh that’ll do I guess.” I said, extremely disappointed.

As I opened the bag it started to shake and I fumbled before dropping it, then a single bagel flew out of the bag and floated two feet from my face.

“What in the heccccck….?” I said before the bagel starts to move at my head at quickening speeds.

Within a second I got up and ran through the kitchen into the living room, I jumped over the couch under the computer table. But it found me, so I ran out from under the table and once again ran at my top speed through the house till I was in the hallway that mine and my dad’s rooms were on and as the bagel flew at me and it’s seeds were going everywhere my dad opened his door and unsheathed his katana before cutting the murderous bagel horizontally.

As I got out of the way of the flying bagel I landed on the floor as cream cheese bled out of the two parts of the now dead bagel.

“I have no idea what the heck just happened or how…..” I said the most confused I had ever been in the six years of my life as I looked up at my dad.

“That boy was a flying bagel, also known as the cue that life is no longer going to be boring for us.” My father exclaimed with a mix of strange happy energy, fear, and intrigue.

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“HEH?!?” I made a sound of pure confusion.

“Get up and come on in, boy.” My dad said as he pointed to his open bedroom door.

At this point, my child self was nothing like I am now and due to that was asking myself more questions than a politician.

I waited on my dad’s bed as he destroyed the bagel.

He enters the room before closing the door and sitting on the chair next to his desk

His room's walls were covered in a mix of Fallout posters and printed-out website clips. There were a bunch of really old books, and some random new books, in stacks all around the room. The only like came from some string lights hanging on a window that was covered by a blanket. His desk had a small TV on it connected to a PS3. Its bottom drawer was open with a thick blanket that our cat Calvent would always sleep in.

As I zoned out trying to figure out what just happened my Dad spoke up.

“So you wanna know everything I've learned over the past sixteen years?” He sighed, well looking over at me.

“Wait so THAT is something you know stuff about??” blurted well, staring at him like he had just pressed a button that would end the world.

“Ok, so when I was 13, me and my brothers realized that there are places that can allow things to happen that normally couldn’t ever, and overtime I found out all the places, in the U.S” He pulled out a map from one of the drawers, It showed red areas all around the U.S, some in Washington a bunch in Idaho and a whole red triangle next to Florida.

“Wellllll then, uhhhhh. Keep going!” I urged him.

“So it’s called the Murphy effect, it makes anything that can happen, happen and makes everything possible. It makes you more of who you are, and will make you become what it wants- or will at least try. It means that every spooky story you’ve ever heard is real. Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, Time travel, Jack… I’ve had to deal with the Men in black, Area 51 I’ve been to, and had to Break out of.” His hand rolled over and over around and his head nodded well, turning back at me after looking off into the distance, almost recalling something before staring at me.

“JEEEEZ… So this has been your life forever??” I mumbled before stopping.

“Boy, there is a lot to learn but, you will be very interested I bet.” He chuckled before smiling.

“Okay, but you have to teach me how to use your katana.” My face got serious, and my eyebrow went up.

“MY KATANA, okay?” he Teased.

“Yes sir!” I said well, laughing and trying to hold my back up straight.

“Also don’t tell anyone about this stuff.” He commanded.

“Okay so just we know?” I asked well moving closer.

“Mom does know about this stuff but I think it’d be best if we waited to tell her that the effect has gotten to here, after all we moved out here because of me getting hurt and her deciding that I should retire. But I don’t know how she would think that you would never learn about this stuff or how I wouldn’t teach you everything. Like after all it’s what we do!” He brightly said.

We would keep talking about random crap that I don’t really remember before going out of his room and back to the kitchen.

“So what have you guys been doing?” My Nana Said, well standing there calm but due to.

“Hi mom, we were just talking about some nerd stuff in my room.” My dad said with his more normal uninterested voice.

“No one ever goes in your room. I’m not allowed in there, so why is Aiden?” She insisted.

“Well it’s my special place and my son should see my weird stuff from my childhood.” He said with a smile that almost made me scared.

“Well okay… Anyways, time to find a Morel sweet spot!” She smiled as she handed us baskets.

“Sure what could possibly go wrong!” I said as me and my dad looked at each other.