Man, mice, clouds, snake, heart
Jaques was hungry. Not the typical “oh I haven’t eaten breakfast yet” type of hungry, this was the “I haven’t eaten anything, nor seen anything’s edible for five hundred thousand years type of hunger. All that he wanted to do was eat, and that was precisely what he was never allowed to do; it was his curse, all because of that one stupid thing that he did.
During the dawn of creation, Jaques was a rock star. Mostly igneous and gravel, but still one of the original rock stars. And oh, did it go to his head.
“Fetch me a barrel of mice, let’s have a party,” was more or less his catchphrase, to which the crowds of gravel would respond “Shyyk, Shaaak, Drak!”
He was a big fan of the at-the-time unnamed theory that one should do whatever makes them feel happy, and for him, it was consuming live mice. Tiny mice, giant mice, furry mice, hairless mice, mice that called themselves things other than mice.
There were only five things in the world; mice, him, The creation gods, rocks, and clouds. Everything else was pretending or lying.
One particular Tuesday, this was before calendars were invented, so every day was a Tuesday, Jaques was slithering around, minding his own business when he came upon a giant, deformed, mostly hairless mouse. It had NO TAIL, which immediately made him want to gag (although snakes don’t typically have a gag reflex), was trying to walk on its back feet only, and was making weird noises from it’s mostly snout-less, whisker-less head.
This monstrosity, this abomination, had to be destroyed before it could produce more. It was massive, but Jaques knew that it was his duty to rid the earth of it before it could produce more freaks like itself.
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He steeled himself, waiting for his chance to do away with the freak, and slowly wound his way around the target. Eventually, it fell asleep.
Starting at the thing’s weird back-legs, he began to swallow, working his way up the length of the gross hairless body.
He had just finished the last bit of the brute when Reggie, the creation God of mice-that-pretend-to-not-be-mice, burst into the cloud that he had been relaxing in.
“Where is it? Did you scare it off? You stupid snake, if you messed this up, so help me…”
“BURP” came the succinct reply.
“I put my heart into that. It was supposed to be the main inhabitant of this place. Damnit!”
Jaques was confused. Shouldn’t Reggie be thanking him? Or congratulating him on getting rid of freaks? This was what he was made for, and had been his job since before he could remember. Eat the mice, eat the mice, eat the mice, his eternal mantra and the code of ethics that he had dedicated his entire existence to.
Well, maybe until now.
“Forever hungry, but never to eat, this horrific curse shall never be beat!
And of course, the ever Diva Reggie, made sure to tell all of the other mice-that-pretend-to-be-something-other-than-mice that he created. Eventually, they wrote down the story in a flat non-mouse-thing that they would stare at.
Therapy
Question: why won’t you marry me? Answer: I took a shit in a Tesla, I realized that I need more emotional intimacy
“Why won’t you marry me? I love you so much! I would do anything for you, just tell me, my dear!”
Pete stared at her in earnest, waiting for a response.
“So you’re going to give me ‘the silent treatment,’ huh? That is such a mean thing to do! Tell. Me. Why. You. Won’t. Do. It. Is it because of my accident? Look, I know that diarrhea isn’t exactly ‘sexy’ and that car seats are difficult to clean, but that’ s no reason to cut me out and ignore me.”
He fell to his knees like a bundle of bricks thrown from an F-15 fighter jet.
“Please, baby… Yes, I took a shit in a Tesla, but come on?! It was MY tesla, and the bathroom in my apartment is too cold and lonely; I needed the emotional intimacy that only an electric vehicle can give.”
Thoughts raced through his brain at a million miles an hour; maybe it was because she was embarrassed, maybe it was because she had never loved him to begin with, maybe it was because she was a mannequin that he had pulled out of the dumpsters behind Walmart.