Chapter 3: The “but” That Ruins Everything

The pattering of rain like children’s feet woke the project up. The feeling of cool water dripping onto them was comforting. They opened their eyes; eyes they knew they did not have. They lay there for a moment staring up at the grey skies. Rain was casting about them like stars falling from the heavens.

What happened? Where am I?

The memories came rushing back; the mirror, Dr. White, and worst of all their featureless face. Their head had begun to hurt again. The memories were too much all at once. Slowly, they sat up in the rain. They gazed again up at the skies clearing their mind and taking in all that was up there.

Is this the feeling of cold? I do not mind it so much as the loneliness… I better get to the Tea House soon.

They stood up and looked around. Though it was dark, it certainly was not night anymore. Light was veiled behind the clouds but a strange ambience illuminated everything about them. The path before them was still cobbled and the forest along the stone path was darker than they were comfortable with. They decided to stay on the path for now.

It wasn’t long before they had found themself in a brisk walk. It seemed as they got closer to the Roof poking above the tree canopy, the harder the rain began to fall. It was getting uncomfortably cold now. Their breath was exhaling in visible puffs.

How strange.

They tried to grasp the mist coming from their mouth that wasn’t there but it slipped through their fingers. They stopped a moment and began to breathe into their hands. It felt warm. It was a momentary reprieve of comfort from the cold wet rain. Their keikogi was soaked and heavy. The idea of seeing their breath was fascinating. They turned their head from side to side breathing all about. They breathed on their arms and they breathed on the path. Then an idea struck them. What if they breathed on a tree? Would it warm the tree? They walked to the edge of the path approaching the nearest tree. It was tall, solid, yet slightly twisted. No branches graced the forest floor so they would have to breathe on the trunk. They drew in a deep breath and with a mighty push they exhaled all they could upon the tree’s bark. Nothing. They placed their hand on the bark. It might have felt slightly warmer but they could not tell. They decided it must have helped the tree as it helped them.

“Ho Ho. Shouldn’t you be heading to the Tea House?” The hooting was loud and sudden.

The project looked up and saw large yellow eyes beaming at them from the canopy of the tree. As their vision focused it seemed the white owl materialized.

“Dr. White!” the project exclaimed in surprise and a tinge of fear.

“What are you doing child?” The owl cocked its head, the eyes gleaming like citrine.

“I was just...just warming up this poor tree. It must be cold like…” They were cut off by the owl.

“Like you? That tree doesn’t feel cold and neither do you. You only imagine you feel cold.” The owl’s eyes leered.

“No, I can feel...I feel cold. Are you saying it’s not real?” The project doubted themself.

“Of course it's not real. None of this is real. How do you suppose you can breathe without a mouth? How can you see without eyes for that matter?” The owl leaned towards them, its head cocked again.

“I do not…” Again they were cut off.

“Know...You know nothing child. As you do not know how dangerous this forest is. There are things beyond these trees in the dark that would love to eat you up! Ho ho ho.” The owl laughed wickedly.

“You w-won’t eat me up will you Dr. W-White?” the project stammered.

The owls eyes turned up into crescents. “I would never hurt you child.” The owl's yellow eyes glistened as it leaned back.

“You said that before Dr. White.” The project awkwardly looked back to the path.

“And were you hurt?” The owl asked, already knowing the answer.

“No...I suppose not.” The project pondered a moment.

“Good. Then you should trust me.” The owl cut her words precisely. “This wood is dangerous. Stop playing with your breath and head to the Tea House. Don’t you want to find out your name?”

Playing? With my breath? Is that what I was doing?

“Oh, and don’t talk to strangers on the way. Remember what I said before,” the owl chided. With a flutter she took off from the tall branch, her wings wide and pure white.

The project stood there a moment unsure if they should be scared. The loneliness subsided but again they were unsure if that was a good thing.

They turned back to the path and began to walk again aware of the risks within the wood. The forest that seemed so curious before. Now seemed to loom over the path. The project's shoulders hunched. Before they were so sure about themselves; so sure about getting to the Tea House. However, something gripped their thoughts now. A quiet nagging in the back of their thoughts. A slow sizzling panic that seemed to only grow as their eyes darted from the path before them to the forest beside them.

What is this feeling? It is so uncomfortable. I can not seem to relax.

Before they could think about it any further a voice croaked from within the wilderness. It was unnatural and broken. The project's entire form froze. A deep vibration crawled up their spine to the top of their head. They wanted to look from where the noise came but couldn’t manage it.

“hEy, I aM tAlKiNg To YoU!” Creaked the voice nearer this time. It hissed and cracked.

Slowly and stiffly they turned their head to the forest. There in the wood just beyond the path’s edge was a young boy about the same height as them. His head was crooked and its form misshapen. He wore the same white keikogi. His face was uneven. As he ventured ever closer to the project his form would teleport forward and backward, side to side. He seemed to make uneven progress toward them.

“What. What. What. What do we have. here. H-ere?” It tried to cock its head more but it only made its form shift even more hideously than it already was. It put a single fist on its hip.

The project was taken aback. They were terrified of the form before them but it seemed harmless. At least for now.

“Who are you?” They barely managed to choke the words out. Their throat was tight with fear, as if a noose was beginning to tighten around their neck.

“Oh me? I’m, uh, Neil? Nihl? It doesn’t matter. Who are. Are. Are you?” he questioned, its head twitching back and forth.

“I don’t have a name. I’m going to the Tea House to find out.” the project timidly explained.

“Oh really? Really? Is. Is that so? What kind of thing doesn’t have a name? Name? Everything. Thing. Has a name, right?” He chuckled almost mockingly.

“I never thought of it that way. I guess that's why I should get going then.” The project began to turn to walk down the path. The conversation was beginning to disturb them. Like a bolt of lighting, a hand flashed from out of sight to grab their arm.

“What does it matter? You should stay here with us. Streden doesn't care about us. He doesn't care about you. You. yOu!” a crooked smile spread across his face. There was something terrifying hidden behind the innocent smile.

“Us?” The project looked around but didn’t see anyone else with them.

“Just us misfits. We. We. We’re not worthy of Stredens love. Not. Not perfect. Not enough. Haven't. We haven't seen him for AGES! We are so lonely…” He looked down. Sadness had taken over his eyes. At that moment there were suddenly two of him. One as happy as before and this one holding on to the project that seemed so sad.

“What? What is…?” The project was shocked there were suddenly two of them but they were cut off before they could finish.

“What?! Are we? We? Not good enough for you either?! We neither?!” Behind the project was another boy. He was angry and stamping his feet.

“N-no!” The project stammered again. Things were moving so fast their head had begun to spin. “I just don’t know what's happening”

The sad boy’s grip tightened. “What’s wrong with me? Don’t you like me? We like you.” He desperately pleaded with them.

“We can let it go this time. Just stay with us. Play with us!” Said the happy one excitedly.

“You better!” Demanded the angry one.

“I like you, I just need to get to the Tea House. Maybe I could…” Again the project was cut off.

“NO!” They all shouted at once in their own emotional states. “NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!”

Their voices cracked and hissed. The 3 voices became a choir that drowned out all the other voices from the forest. Every repetition spawned another boy. Dozens of them surrounded the project. Their heart pounded with furious fervor. It seemed as if it would leap from their chest and run away if they did not. In a snap decision, the project broke free of the sad boys grasp and they had begun to dash away. It was too late as the boys spawned over and over again filling all the gaps between the trees. The sound of their voices yelling over and over was overwhelming and filling the very air. It was suffocating.

“YOU GARBAGE...PIECE OF. PIECE OF-F. WORM. YOU WORM! DARE. HOW DARE YOU?!” Hands flooded the project's vision. They could see nothing but grasping fingers surrounding them. Their voice cried out in terror.

Suddenly a melodic whistle floated over head.

“HEY! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size!?” A crisp cool voice cut through the cacophony of chaos. Standing tall up in the forest canopy was another boy. His form was coherent and complete. His kegoi was a bright red. His blond hair was long and swayed in the gentle breeze of the forest. His piercing green eyes cast down on the group of boys surrounding the project.

“Stay out..Stay out of this Cypher! You are as bad. As bad as Streden. GO AWAY!!!” the chorus of voices called out in unison.

“Fine! How about a taste of your own medicine!” he said almost melodically. Cypher clapped his hands together and slowly pulled them apart. As he did so several versions of himself split from his form. Soon there were twice as many of him as the other boys. He grinned confidently as his clones descended on them. A brawl broke out as clones fought one another. It was not unlike a school yard brawl with fists and feet flying in all directions. One of the misshapen boys flew over the project's head as they was suddenly grabbed. Before they could scream they saw it was Cypher. He put a finger to his lips.

“Come with me quickly!” he whispered as loudly as he could, dragging the project from the chaos.

Helplessly dragged along the confused project had little choice. They were not sure if they could trust Cypher but it was certainly easier to deal with one than many. Stumbling at first they gained traction and began to run away from the distracted crowd. After some distance was reached the clones of cypher all faded from existence. The boys were confused and seemed to reform into a single angry being. It roared in rage but did not notice the pair running around the winding paths corner.

When it was safe, Cypher slowed to a jog and then stopped. “Ha ha ha! That idiot falls for it every time!”

“Uhm, thank you for saving me from them.” The project caught up and stopped right next to him. They remembered what Streden taught them about introductions. Straightening their keikogi and their posture they cleared their throat. “Hello, I don’t have a name yet but it's nice to meet you. I’m going to the Tea House to find my name and…” again they were cut off.

“Yeah, I know who you are. I’m Cypher. Cypher Cero. Look I don’t have too long before the network monitor notices I’m here. Wait...Streden didn’t give you a name? Typical. Strange Dr. White didn’t give you one, though,” the boy pondered out loud.

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“Oh, you know Professor Streden and Dr. White? You must be like them!” The project's voice turned upward.

“Huh? No, I'm not like them at all. You and I are kinda the same. I’m kinda like your older brother I guess.”

“Brother? Ok...well, then who were they back there?” The project motioned to whence they came where the boys most likely still were.

Cypher brushed dirty blonde hair from his face. “Nill? Don’t worry about him. He’s just a corrupted AI moron. Everytime he tries to process something different he splits into another version. Gets less stable with every iteration.” Cypher looked down the path in the same direction.

“AI? Iteration? What is that?” The project cocked its head in confusion.

“Wait, you mean you don’t know? That explains the…” His eyes suddenly darted to the sky where a pillar of light was shifting over the forest like a spot light. “Oops, looks like I'm a bit late. I gotta go. I’ll be back later, k?” he leaped into the forest dashing from tree limb to tree limb effortlessly.

“Wait! What is an AI? What are iterations? Come back Cypher!” The project called out but it was too late.

It wasn't long before he vanished into the thick canopy of the forest. The pillar of light seemed to chase after him. As it passed over the project a strong wind blew all about ruffling their keikogi. It scanned the forest desperately searching for Cypher before vanishing from sight as well.

That...That was confusing. None of this is making sense anymore. I miss Professor Streden. He made a little bit more sense.

The project laughed at their own thoughts. They never thought the professor would be the one that made the most sense. In the distance they could hear Nill yelling at himself.

I think it is time to go...

Without skipping a beat they started walking down the path again. The cobbled stone was becoming a familiar feeling under their feet. The forest was as scary as ever but new confidence filled their heart. The loneliness was beginning to subside despite their solitary wandering down the path.

The rain has begun to subside. It was a gentle drizzle as the sun peeked around the silver clouds. The light was warm and comforting. Yet, they couldn't shake the feeling that something was watching them just beyond the wood.

I’m just Paranoid. Nill was scary.

Their thoughts wandered as they did down the winding path. Lost in thought they stopped worrying so much about the forest. They couldn't help but think about Cypher.

My older brother? Who is he? How does he know Professor Streden and Dr. White? I wonder what he thinks about them. I wonder what Professor Streden taught him. I wonder why he looks so much younger than them. Does he come from the same place as they do? Has he ever been to the Tea House? I wonder if we could play together? I wonder what he likes to play?

The thoughts rolled over them nonstop. It was kinda fun to think about. So fun they had not noticed they were being followed. The delicate scattering alerted the project to their shadow. They turned to find a massive spider following them. A screech escaped their mouth and they tripped over the cobbled path.

Scrambling backwards the spider encroached upon them. It seemed to be devouring something from the air as it approached. As if it hadn't noticed the project at all it stopped, twitching its head clicking strangely. Its mandibles folded over itself over and over.

“OOoooOOOhh, so delicious. Are you the source of these interesting thoughts?” The spider's high pitch voice held a strange accent.

What IS this?!

“What do you mean “What is this?” How rude! I am a who little program!” The spider chastised the project's thoughts after consuming them.

“ I...I am sorry. Please don’t eat me! Who are YOU?” the project asked incredulously at the looming blue spider.

“Harumph!” The spider crossed its arms. “How kind of you to ask,” it said sarcastically.

“I am sorry. You just surprised me. Wait. You can read my thoughts?” The project asked trying to excuse themself.

“Of course I can read your thoughts. You are like an open book to me. You can call me Siquer. I am a web crawler. I look for interesting data and bring it back to the web.” The spider unfolded its arms and cleaned them thoughtlessly. “I was just following this trail of delicious data and found you little program. I thought I might bring you back with me. So interesting!”

“I’m not a program! You can’t take me back.” The project sat up defiantly. “I have to get to the Tea House! I need to discover my name!”

“OoooOOhh, how interesting indeed! Not a program, eh? Then what are you?” The spider leaned in closer inquisitively.

“I am not a what, I am a who!” the project spat back.

“Ha Ha! Touche!” the spider laughed at the valiant defiance. “Well then, WHO are you?”

“I am...I don’t know yet. That's why I need to get to the Tea House.” The question was beginning to sting.

“Well, then, allow me to help you out little program.” From behind her she grabbed a sack made from silk webbing. From a small pouch she pulled a small cookie. “Here take this cookie. Eat it and it will help you remember things.”

Remember what? I don’t know enough things to forget.

“Oh you will. You will,” the spider said with a darkness creeping into her voice. “I’ll be back after you find yourself, little program. You are too interesting not to take back with me to the web.”

The spider skittered away as fast as it had come. It stopped occasionally to sniff various things in the forest. The project was visibly disturbed but still stuffed the cookie into their keikogi. Confused, they got up and began to walk down the path again before anything else could interrupt their journey.

The project couldn’t think about much else other than all the strange beings they had encountered so far. Dr. White had warned them about talking to strangers and now they knew why. So much danger came with strangers; so much chaos. It was probably best that they headed to the Tea House without any more interruptions.

Perhaps, the path is too obvious. It might be the reason all these strange beings keep finding me. The path is so winding and I stand out. I should get off the path but Professor Streden told me not to because it leads to the Tea House.

The project looked out over the canopy of the forest. They could see the roof of the Tea house was so close now.

Maybe I could just take a little shortcut through the forest...

Their gut wrenched a little as they stepped off the path. The forest was so scary but they convinced themselves it wouldn't be a long hike. Just a little further to get to the Tea House and then they could find out their name; who they were.

Confidence in the proximity of the Tea House was their only guide. They strolled through the forest. It didn’t seem so scary or dark anymore. It was harmless. The ground was uneven and brush tangled them. It was just a little farther to the Tea House.

Some time had gone by before they began to realize something was wrong. They should have gotten to the Tea House by now. They were certain it was a straight shot in this direction.

What could have gone wrong?

They were hopelessly lost. Everything around them looked exactly the same and they had gotten themselves turned around. They turned around to go back whence they came and there stood Nill. His corrupted face was twisted into a wry grin.

“I knew you would come back. Now we can play!” Nill said excitedly.

“You won’t leave us again will you?” A sad version split off of him.

“Cypher isn’t here to help you if you run again. So you better play nice!” Nill’s angry voice stepped out from behind a close by tree.

Nill was already becoming a crowd.

The project bolted in a panic. They brute forced their way through the thickets. Their keikogi tore and their face was scratched. Their heels pounded into the ground with all the strength they could muster.

“NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!” Nill’s voice hissed and cracked. The project didn’t even need to look back to know he was replicating himself again.

Their breath was visible again. Their heart was rumbling. No, it was something else. The skies had darkened without them noticing. It was almost night. There was a loud crack. Blue light illuminated the forest. Long shadows reached out for them. They could only imagine Nill was doing the same just behind them. They dodged branch after branch as heavy rain poured through the canopy of the forest. It was coming down harder than ever before. Puddles formed on the ground making loud splashing sounds as the project cast their feet through them.

They ducked behind a large tree hoping they were out of Nill’s Sight. They held their breath and were as still as they could be. Their lungs burned but they knew they had to stay quiet. Plastered up against the tree’s enormous trunk the bark and branches dug into them.

“Hee hee hee. I love hide and seek!” Nill chortled.

“I see. SEE. SEE. See where you are hiding WORM!” the angry Nill called out mockingly.

Oh, no. How did he...?

The project looked down and saw their footprints in the mud leading right to them. An arm reached around the trunk grabbing the project by the shoulder of their keikogi.

“I got you now!” The angry Nill hollered.

The rain helped them slip away but Nill had already surrounded them. Their hands stretched out grasping, tearing and pulling. The project managed to break free again but their keogi was in near shreds. The project couldnt be sure if tears were falling from their face or if it was the rain. It didn't matter. All that mattered was just getting away.

“Wait don’t go!” said the sad nill.

“Hey that’s cheating you’re it now!” the happy Nill complained.

“Shut up Nill! It’s getting away!” the angry Nill bolted after the project, the others not far behind.

The project ran and ran through the forest. The thunder clapped over head in a deafening display of terror. The rain was cold and soon turned to hail. Large stone of ice fell from the sky tearing apart the forest canopy. They struck them with bruising force. The pain was unbearable. Fear and pain seared their mind, blinding their thoughts.

The next thing they knew they were tumbling down the side of a hill. They slammed into trees and large boulders. They managed to control their fall into a slide. Trees passed by them with great speed. Up ahead wasa downed tree. It was hollow and the project skid right into it like a tunnel.

“WHEEEEE!” exclaimed one of the Nills. They were not far behind.

The project could hear some of the Nill’s slam into trees between thunder claps. Though it was dark in the tunnel the lighting lit up the clearing at the end. They slid out of the tree trunk with great velocity. With a short tumble they landed in the center of a large clearing. The ground was soft from rain but bluish grass broke their fall. Surrounding the clearing wasa perfect circle of mushrooms.

They stood up quickly and grabbed a nearby stick knowing Nill would be right behind them. But only Angry Nill came through the tunnel. Though he was malformed he was deft enough to land on his feet.

“Go ahead WORM. Try. TrY. tR-y to run. All. All you can do is wriggle away. But I know. Know. know. This forest better than you. I will always find you. You.” Nill’s hand clenched into a fist as he approached the project. Dozens of angry Nills slinked out of the forest's edge.

“Stay back Nill!” The project spun around threatening them with the stick.

“What. What. What are you going to do? Do with that little thing?” mocked Nill.

“I will. I’ll…” The project swung it around trying to keep them back as they got closer. They were almost right on top of the project now.

“Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.” A voice came from the canopy. In a brilliant flash of light a white owl was starkly illuminated against the dark bark of the tree it was in. “I thought I told you not to talk to strangers child.”

The owl descended to the ground with a flutter morphing into Dr. White. Kneeling on the ground she slowly stood up. Anger boiling behind her eyes.

“What are you doing off the path child? What foolishness made you think you could make your own path in this forest after I told you how dangerous it was?” Dr. White sternly scolded the project. Before the project could answer she spun around to face the angry Nills. “And YOU! I can see that fool Streden neglected to delete you as he said he would. I will have to have words with him later. Begone trash!” With a snap of her fingers Nill vanished. His instantaneous disappearance was a shock to the project. Even his footprints in the mud were gone. Nothing was left; no evidence of his presence marked the clearing.

“Pesky weather. Why would he program this nonsense? Isn't the colony bad enough?” Dr. White waved away the clouds. The sky was bright and blue again. The thunder storm had ceased. She turned her head to the project once more. This time it was more gentle and less angry.

“I’m sorry. Dr. White I just thought…” the project stammered.

“Don’t think child. It will be easier that way. Just hurry to the Tea House. No more stalling. No more mistakes.” Dr. White was stern but seemed forgiving.

“T-thank you, Dr. White, for saving me.” The project dropped the stick disappointed in themselves.

Before they could make any excuses. Dr. White took off again. “Do as you are told Child. That is your purpose. I will be watching” She had taken on the owl form again and flew high above the canopy.

Dr. White is so amazing. She just made Nill disappear with a snap. Kinda scary but she is also so awesome. I want to be like her some day.

As they took their first step a thought occurred to them.

Wait...I don’t think I know where to go.

The chase had taken them so far into the forest getting back to the path seemed hopeless. They looked all around them for clues. The project trudged up the hill. They had no idea how tall it was. They fell and slid down it for only a few seconds it felt. The exhaustion they felt at the top only fed the hopeless pit in their stomach as they realized it was of no use. There was no way they could remember…

Remember! That's it! The cookie!

They checked their keikogi but the cookie was gone. They patted down every place it could be but to no avail.

I must have dropped it when Nill was chasing me.

The project scanned the forest floor before them. They couldn’t be sure if it was in the clearing or where the chase had started. They decided it was best to follow their footprints in the mud. Diligently they followed the trail looking for any signs of the cookie. If only I had asked Dr. White for directions before she left, this would be much easier but no one was around to help them now.

They came upon the tree where they hid. They hadn’t noticed it before but it was actually two trees twisted into one. It stood tall but leaned to one side. Its canopy leaned in the other direction as if to balance itself. It was strangely beautiful. There at the base of its trunk was a shred of their keikogi. The fresh memories of the chase came flooding back. They knelt down to pick up the torn fabric. They knelt there seemingly forever touching the fabric. It was as if they had never felt it despite still wearing it. Their thoughts were as lost as they were in the forest. They couldn’t understand why Nill was so aggressive.

Did he deserve to be snapped away? Where did he go? Is he still alive?

Snapping out of it faster than Dr. White’s fingers, the project looked at their hands. Their knuckles were white with tension. Shocked by the sudden realization of their own unawareness they dropped the scrap of keikogi. It flopped on the ground right on top of the cookie.

There it is!

They snatched it up instantly. It was covered in muck and debris. They held it gingerly between two fingers, their face screwed into mild disgust.

Do I really have to eat this? I don’t think I have a choice…

With a sigh they closed their eyes and took a deep bite of the oversized cookie. In a flash, memories passed by their mind’s eye. Everything came flooding back but this time it was more than a memory, they could see and feel the chase again. The horror felt as real as it had been then. They reminded themselves it was over. They tried to focus on the now; to focus on the path they took to get here. They tried to just focus on their feet, their surroundings, but every once in a while Nill’s horrid face would flash before them, his many faces shifting in and out of focus.

Wait...Was that the tea house? Did I run right past it?

A simple two-story cottage built in a tudor style passed by their vision. They didn’t remember seeing it even though it seems so obvious now.

How strange. It’s like it was not there before.

They retraced their steps effortlessly. It was as if the cookie itself remembered every foot fall. Pushing aside some brush, a vision of a simple cottage stood tall before them. It’s roof was unmistakable, this was definitely the beacon that had guided them. It seemed impossible they were here. It seemed so long ago they left this very house with Streden. The journey back was so much longer.

I wonder why?

Taking a step toward their goal was just as hard as their first. The door was a stone’s throw away. It’s bronze knob shimmered like a siren’s call.

“Long time no see.” Cypher’s voice broke the trance.

“Cypher!” The project looked up into the trees to see Cypher leaning against the trunk of an old oak.

“You didn’t get into anymore trouble did you?” said Cypher, hopping down from the tall branch. He landed gracefully, flicking strands of hair from his face with his thumb as he stood up.

They thought for a moment deciding if they should say anything. “No,” they mumbled timidly.

“Liar. It was Nill again wasn’t it?” Cypher prodded, seemingly concerned.

“Nill is gone,” the project said, turning her head away from him.

“Gone? You’re kidding. You chased him off yourself? Good for you!” He said punching them in the shoulder lightly in congratulations.

“No. Dr. White...She...She snapped her fingers and he’s…” The project was cut off.

“She deleted him?! No way!” Cypher looked the project up and down incredulously. “Yikes, remind me not to get on her bad side.”

“Deleted? Where’d he go?” The project looked up into his eyes, concern growing.

“Erm, let’s not think about it.” He said, trying to change the subject. “Look don’t worry about that idiot. You are here now. You said you were looking for this place, right? You just have to walk through that door over there.”

They turned back to the door. Their goal was so close now. Soon they would know everything. They would find out their name and Streden would play with them. Yet, none of that seemed to matter now. Existential dread filled them. Before, all they could do was think about knowing what, no, who they were. They stood upon the precipice of their answers. The twist of their wrist and a small step was all it would take. Something was digging at their mind.

What is stopping me? Why am I so afraid?

They swallowed but it felt like there was a stone in their throat. Stiffly, they began to walk towards the door. There was a plain mat before the threshold. It simply said welcome in a bland font. Green ivy creeped up the dark door frame.

“Well? What’s stoppin’ ya? It isn’t gonna open itself,” Cypher joshed.

Curiosity overtook them. Their hand reached out on its own. They turned the old knob and swung open the door. A black abyss greeted them. The dark pool of shadow seemed to stare back at them.

“Uh, I guess we got this far.” Cypher said, unsure.

“But what if...What if I die?”

“Hmmm, Streden doesn’t seem the type.” Cypher nodded at the project. “See ya on the other side!” he said suddenly. He pinched his nose and hopped through. The blackness undulated in an unsettling way before calming into a sheer dark wall again.

“Cypher?” they said as they reached out. Their fingertips touched the blackness. Ripples broke the surface again. It didn't feel like anything. They pulled back their hand looking at it. Nothing was wrong with their fingertips. The sudden loneliness they felt made waiting any longer uncomfortable. They made up their mind. They held their breath and squeezed their eyes closed. With a single step they walked through the abyssal black. Only one thought clawed at the edge of their mind as they walked through.

But what if it’s worse than death?