Jyncole paced furiously, vigorously tearing up a piece of paper. The fragments of paper fluttered around in a furious flurry as her bare feet stomped on the carpeted floor. "How dare she!? She promised!"
After uttering all sorts of oaths, Jyncole's ears flattened as she looked at the mess she made. Repentant of her outburst, she knelt down and picked up all of the fragments. Her pointed ears swivelled at the sound of a knock. "Go away."
"Jyn?"
"I said, GO AWAY!"
As usual, Jyncole was ignored and the door swung open. Her mother's pupils were large and round, leaving only a thin yellow rim around them. She looked at the scattered pieces of paper that Jyncole had yet to recover. "Jyn, what's wrong?"
"Enna is going to the Pearl Dance with Ardern," Jyncole hissed the name, wrinkles forming on the bridge of her furry nose. Her mother reached up, brushing the ruff of white fur around her face with her fingers.
"Of course she is. She's been stepping out with him, so going to the Pearl with Ardern is only natural." Her mother was guarded in her voice even as she pointed out the obvious.
"I know!" Jyncole snapped. Her mother knelt down picking up a few fragments of paper, trying to piece what she could together. She frowned, seeing the odd lines weaving in and out of each other.
"Is this one of Enna's drawings?"
Jyncole did not like the accusatory tone in her mother's voice. "Yes," Jyncole crossed her arms.
Her mother's eyes narrowed and her ears twisted back. "Did you two fight?"
Jyncole sighed, her whiskers drooping. The Felfolk girl took the pieces from her mother and tossed them in the dustbin. "We had our own plans for Summertide Eve. But since the Pearl would be her coming out, her mother insisted she go. We promised we both would attend but not take any lad's arm. She broke her promise."
"You could not expect her to actually keep such a childish promise," her mother said, sounding exasperated.
Jyncole's blue eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms, baring her pointed teeth. "A promise is a promise."
Her mother shook her head and sighed at her daughter's stubborn streak. "Does this mean you aren't going?"
Jyncole turned away from her mother, shoulders raised and arms still crossed. She rubbed her upper arms, and then looked over her shoulder, her snout in relief against the afternoon sun that shone in through her bedroom window. "I don't know. I do not wish to see them together. But I'm too afraid not to go. I'll look like a coward."
"Afraid to look like a coward?" Her mother laughed. Jyncole pouted at first, but then added in a laugh of her own.
"I suppose I am being silly." Jyncole sat on her bed, spent from her tantrum. "But still it hurts. We've been friends since we were kittens. But the moment a ginger tom steps in, he's replacing me at every turn. How is that fair?"
"You aren't being replaced, Jyn."
Jyncole shrugged and made a small sound of agreement as she didn't feel like discussing it any further. Even though she changed the topic, she couldn't help but keep thinking that it felt like she was being replaced.
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"So what shall I bring for our picnic tomorrow?" Jyncole asked as she and Enna walked arm-in-arm home from school. She had let her temper cool and Enna was none the wiser of the slight she'd paid her childhood friend. However, Jyncole found her jaw clenching when Enna's copper eyes glanced down and to the side. Jyncole's pupils contracted to slits and she looked away, bracing herself for disappointment.
"Oh... I forgot. I told Ardern we'd see a play together. And afterwards I have a dress fitting," Enna admitted, her ears twisting away guiltily. "Sorry."
Jyncole's eye twitched and the fur on her face fluffed out. She smoothed it all down with frantic hands before Enna looked back at her. "Oh? Too bad. Which play?" Jyncole tried to mask her growing anger.
"The Howl of the Lupid King," Enna murmured.
That did it. Jyncole's fur bristled again and she didn't even try to tame it. "Oh, you mean the play I invited you to and you said was too offensive to go see?"
"Uh... yeah. That one," Enna said, folding her arms. Her ears went from twisted to flat.
"And your mother approves?" Jyncole added, barely keeping the growl out of her voice.
Enna scratched her ear, still avoiding eye contact. "Only because it's the matinee where no mischief can occur."
"Ah, my dear, sweet, weathervane of a friend. And how did he change your mind? Cajoling? Bribery? Or did he just purchase tickets and tell you that you were going?" Jyncole asked, arms crossed.
"I do not like your tone, Jyncole." Enna finally turned to face her friend, brows burdened and mouth left slightly agape, showing her delicate black lower lip.
"I do not like being set aside, or by how easily you let this tom influence you. And what happens when he starts taking liberties? Threatens your virtue?"
"He won't!" Enna responded emphatically. "Jyn, this is merely a play we're going to! You remind me of a jealous suitor."
Jyncole was about to inject another verbal barb when the words 'jealous suitor' struck a chord in her. She eyed Enna uneasily a moment, ears back, but then they perked forward along with her whiskers, pupils dilating. She stared off in the distance, tracking movement to distract herself from troubling thoughts. Jealous suitor. Am I jealous? More than as a friend?
Held in silence, Jyncole looked at her friend again. Enna had slowed her pace and was glancing at her, then glancing away, eyes shimmering in vain attempts to hold back tears. Jyncole admitted that she always admired Enna's silky black fur. But was it more than admire? She was vexed every time a boy took notice of Enna. She should be happy for her, shouldn't she?
Jyncole refocused her thoughts. No. She knew Ardern. She'd already rejected him when he tried to pay her court. Then he slunk to her impressionable, sensitive friend, who was more eager to please. More eager to fill traditional roles.
Jyncole looked up when she realised they were in front of Enna's door. "Just promise me you won't let him use the Summertide as an excuse..." Jyncole trailed off. Enna tilted her head to the side, twitching an ear.
"Excuse for what?" Enna asked.
"Coming of age, he'll have to join either the military or fishing fleets this summer. Don't let him use that to get you to promise anything, or do anything you aren't ready for," Jyncole said. Enna gave a sideways jerk of her head, twisting her ears back as if about to say something angrily, but then her ears perked forward and she half closed her eyes submissively.
"...Thanks for looking out for me. You've always tried to guide me. But you don't need to treat me like a child, Jyn. We're both young women," Enna said diplomatically.
"Sorry. It's only because I love you." Jyncole immediately looked away.
Enna stared at her a moment, ears erect. She had nothing more to say and she hastily went inside. Jyncole was relieved that Enna ended the conversation there, mortified for having said that much. Love was a word Jyncole was not accustomed to wielding, and wasn't sure why she let it slip.
Jyncole's mind was full when she continued on home. She kept questioning why she was filled with jealousy and dread whenever she saw Enna with Ardern. It was the same with the other boy who kept paying too much attention to her, although it came to nothing. Ardern had been a friend, even an admirer of hers, but now she felt intense hostility towards him. This unsettled her.
Thoughts drifted to worries. Worries flowed into broader subjects. Jyncole thought of the history they had been learning. The obvious propaganda of the ruling class, the Panthera, who claimed themselves superior to the Felfolk of the Kaska Coast and their rightful lords. But Jyncole could not deny that though they were strict in an unfair hierarchy, they helped a scattered and vicious people become civilised. They brought stewardship of their land and marriage to them over a century ago, and now it was ingrained in their culture. There was lingering fear of overpopulation, poverty, rampant disease, and frequent death of women from bearing too many children in rapid succession. Before, the men never stayed and helped women raise children, forcing them to work together or strike out alone. Now they had family units, which were nice and tidy and supportive. Although... it was hard to get out of a marriage, even when a partner was flagrantly abusive, such as her father was. And that was why she was keen not to marry at all, and had a lasting distrust of men in general.
These thoughts brought Jyncole back to her friend, Enna. The sweet girl had two loving parents. She had no idea what it was like to be abused by all the men in one's life, whether it was a father, brother, or tutor. She trusted them too easily. And Jyncole feared for Enna. Feared Ardern would leave her in trouble, and there wasn't much support for women who threatened the population with unplanned and unsupported children. It wasn't a fair system, but it was better than the alternative. Jyncole felt her blood boil thinking about it.
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Jyncole could feel the eyes on her. Gasps, whispers, and she was sure one of the chaperones was going to approach her, and tell her she must, for decency sake, leave. To her astonishment, no one did. The only discouragement she received directly was being told she would have looked prettier in a dress.
Enna strode over, her blue skirt swishing about her and hiding her sad lack of hips. Ardern wasn't far behind, and Jyncole expected him to say something about the coat tails and slacks she had dared to wear to the Pearl Dance. Jyncole slanted the derby hat she'd borrowed from her brother-in-law and contently closed her eyes in greeting to Enna, who did the same.
"I did not think you would actually do it," Enna said quietly. Her ears twisted back and she looked fretful for a moment, casting a glance around at the gawkers, but then brought her ears fully forward. Ardern, a tall, creamy furred fellow that looked out of place on the ruddy complexion on the rest of his body, laughed.
"I thought you didn't like drawing attention to yourself," Ardern said teasingly. Jyncole tried not to let her disdain show as she joined in the laughter, putting out an arm to Enna. Seeing this, Ardern's laughter ceased and he put out his arm as well. Enna looked confused between the two, and to compromise, hooked arms with both.
"The Pearl Dance only comes once for us maidens, I might as well have my five minutes of notoriety before I get cloistered and live my life out as a spinster aunt," Jyncole said, trying to raise her spirits with a bit of humour.
You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.
"Look! Fishcakes!" Enna said, directing the attention of everyone to the refreshment table, not liking the way Jyncole and Ardern were looking at each other.
The mention of food was a successful diversion, as Jyncole's ears perked up, and Ardern licked his lips. The three of them sauntered over to the refreshment table, joining the line to pick at the spread of appetisers and hors d'oeuvres. The dancing hadn't started yet, and the food was a good ice breaker. Jyncole's ear kept flicking as she nibbled at her savoury, keeping a sharp eye on Enna and Ardern.
Throughout the night, Jyncole was rarely far from Enna and Ardern, behaving as an ever present chaperone. The ever flattening of Ardern's ears whenever he looked up and saw Jyncole eyeing him was starting to dampen the mood. Jyncole could not hear what they were saying to each other, but from Enna's pulled down lower lip and tense brow, she doubted it was anything polite or pleasant. Jyncole wandered closer.
"...been that long!" Ardern's voice drifted to Jyncole's attentive ears.
"I know, but I'm feeling poorly." Enna's ears flexed, turning outwards but not daring to fully flatten. There was a slight imperceptible snark and wrinkle of the bridge of Ardern's nose, but Jyncole caught it.
"I know crowds can be distressing to you, but I'm here. Try to stay a little longer?" Ardern said in as soothing of a voice as he could, placing a hand on her shoulder. Jyncole narrowed her eyes, pupils becoming slits.
"If she wants to leave, shouldn't you let her? Don't be so selfish as to keep her here just for your sake," Jyncole interrupted, quickly placing herself at Enna's side. Unlike Ardern, she did not hide her sneer.
"I'm not, I'm trying to stop her from losing an opportunity," Ardern said, glaring at Jyncole. He tried to soften his expression as he looked to Enna with entreating, half-closed eyes. "Enna, you will regret leaving early before the procession of maidens."
"Oh yes, the rite of passage where we strut out on a lad's arm and are presented to our mighty striped Lord. And what then of the young tom's unofficial but widely popular rite of passage? Will she factor into yours?" Jyncole tilted her head, one eye wide while the other squinted but didn't quite wink.
Through the fur on Enna's face, one could not see the evidence of blood draining in mortification. But the soft gasp, wide eyes, and shaking of her pale hands was enough. Without a word Enna turned swiftly, her skirts billowing before she marched off towards the grooming room.
Ardern no longer hid his disdain, growling softly as his whiskered cheek drew up like a curtain exposing his pointed teeth. "Now look what you've done! You've ruined her night! Do you want her to be as miserable and alone as you?"
"And is she aware that she was your second choice?" Jyncole challenged. "Or is courting her just a slap in my face for daring to refuse you?"
"I honestly don't know what I ever saw in an alleycat like you!" Ardern spat. The fur atop his head was beginning to rise, and he quickly smoothed it back with his hand. He turned and walked in a separate direction. Jyncole hissed at his back and then stormed off to follow Enna.
Jyncole found Enna sobbing into a handkerchief in the corner of the grooming room. As Jyncole walked past the mirror, she paused and gave a furtive glance at her reflection. She wasn't sure she liked what she saw. Jyncole took off her hat and walked over to Enna, crouching down to where Enna had knelt.
"Hush now, hush now, I'm sorry." Jyncole said quietly. Enna shook her head and said nothing, refusing to look at Jyncole. Jyncole didn't blame her. She felt the guilt and shame squirming in her heart, like maggots in spoiled meat. Perhaps there was something rotten at Jyncole's core. Perhaps she was destined to be miserable. "I really am sorry. I'm not just saying that. I went too far. I know I need to work on that. But you must understand, I'm just scared of losing you."
"You have a strange way of showing it," Enna managed to say in a strained voice, her petite nostrils flaring before she sniffled.
"Most people do," Jyncole said. Not only did she feel like a feast for wriggling worms, now she felt a heavy weight in her chest. And to her surprise, she wondered if a confession was the only way to relieve it? It was often stated by those Light worshippers that confession was good for the soul. "Enna..."
"Yes?" Enna looked up. Jyncole was unsure why just calling her name got such a reaction, but her pupils were large and round, and her ears perked forward in anticipation. Jyncole took in some steadying breaths, unsure if she could really say the words.
"I... I... think I'm in love with you." Enna just stared at her, then looked down and said nothing. Jyncole wanted her to say something. Anything. Jyncole began to fiddle with her hat. Still nothing. With a deep breath, Jyncole continued. "I know it's taboo. And I don't expect reciprocation. I think a part of me would be terrified if there was. But I just want you to know that's why it hurts me so deeply to see you and Ardern. He had originally sought after my courtship and I made up excuses... that I wanted to focus on studies, that I wasn't ready. But the truth was... well... I just didn't have any interest in him. Or anyone. And... well... then when I realised how jealous I was I began to wonder, and think, that perhaps, it was because my heart belonged to you."
Enna remained quiet as Jyncole rambled on, pouring out her heart. Her diseased, wretched heart. It took a while and a few more soft sobs before Enna looked up at Jyncole, their eyes meeting. "Why didn't you tell me Ardern had asked you first?"
Jyncole blinked. She admitted to a shameful and deep truth, and Enna focused on that. Jyncole felt herself stuttering before any cohesive words could form. "I... didn't think it was right to tell anyone, for his sake, that he'd asked and been rejected. I didn't dislike him then, I wanted to remain chums."
"Oh." Enna slowly stood up. Jyncole scooted back to give her space, and Enna smoothed out the wrinkles in her skirt. Jyncole rose as well, popping her hat back onto her head at a rakish slant. One ear in, one ear out.
"Well... anyway... that..." Jyncole stammered. Enna shook her head and put a hand on Jyncole's shoulder. Jyncole flinched. Why? Why did she flinch? Shouldn't she want to be touched? Jyncole felt her fur bristle and she wanted to flee, but she remained in place.
"That must have been hard to admit. But what happens now? What am I to do with this?" Enna asked, eyes searching.
This time Jyncole looked away. "I don't know. I just thought... telling you would lift this heaviness I was feeling."
"Did it?"
"...I'm not sure. I feel... strange." Jyncole answered truthfully. Jyncole then looked back up at Enna. "It'd be best if we just stayed friends, of course. But I just... guess I want you to understand me better."
"...Yes we can stay friends, Jyn. But please, stop being so cruel and embarrassing me like that," Enna entreated.
Jyncole curled back her lips for a moment, but then relaxed and nodded her head. "Alright. I'll try not to let my jealousy rear its ugly head."
Enna dabbed at her face, and began to freshen up. Jyncole studied her feelings. She did not feel any lighter, but perhaps it would take a good sleep before she felt the effects. All she felt was somehow like she was still lying to herself. But what about now? Something was still hidden there, and she needed to scratch at it and dig it out. But she was too tired.
"I think I'll go home early," Jyncole said. Enna looked at her and tilted her head.
"I think I'll go find my mother and ask to go home as well. My head hurts. I just hope my mother will let me go before the procession."
"I hope so too."
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"Jyn? Is everything alright? You've been in a daze," came the concerned voice of Jyncole's mother. It broke her out of the deep reflections she was in while she sat by the fire, knitting unsuccessfully. She sighed and untangled the yarn before setting the needles down in a basket by her side.
"I don't think I'll ever be good at this," Jyncole lamented, although her mind was as far from perl stitches as could be. Her mother gathered up her full skirt before sitting on the sofa next to her daughter.
"Like all things, it takes practice. But... I do believe it's easier to learn a skill when there isn't something heavy on your mind," her mother surmised. "Once you've become proficient, then you can use the knitting to busy your hands while you battle with your demons."
Jyncole brought her knees up, carefully draping her skirt over her feet. Her toes curled over the edge of the cushion she sat upon. "I did a silly thing that I regret."
"Oh?"
"I... told Enna that I was in love with her."
The silence that spanned between them was only mediated by the crackling of the fire. Eventually her mother looked off to the side.
"Oh."
"I thought it'd somehow make things more bearable. But I feel heavier now than before, and awkward. I haven't been able to spend much time with her since then without wanting to get away. But I told her it wouldn't change anything so I'm pretending it hasn't," Jyncole admitted.
"Oh... I see," her mother said, her yellow eyes reflecting the fire she stared into.
"Do you?" Jyncole tilted one of her ears.
"I think so, Jyncole. Telling anyone you love them can have mixed results," her mother said carefully. Her whiskers perked forward and she looked back at her daughter. "But Jyncole, I don't doubt that you love Enna. Anyone can see that."
"Is it so obvious?" Jyncole asked, alarmed. A prickling sensation broke out along her skin and she found herself digging into the basket for the yarn and needles. Her mother reached over, stilling her hand, and Jyncole brought it out empty. "Obviously she doesn't love me."
"She does, Jyn, sweetie, she does. But like most girls your age, she's going through a lot of transitions, and it's hard to navigate," her mother said soothingly. Jyncole stared at her mother, an ear twitching.
"I don't think you really understand what I'm saying. I said I'm in love with her. But our Tiger overseers have outlawed..."
"Tut," her mother interrupted. "Have you done anything... unlawful with her?"
"No! Of course not!" Jyncole said, eyes wide and mortified.
"Do you want to?" her mother asked, keeping a steady gaze on her daughter's eyes. She watched as her daughter's breathing become more erratic. Her eyes darted around, pupils going from slits to spheres. Her mouth opened, showing her tiny lower incisors, which were dwarfed by her long canines. She then closed her mouth and swallowed the lump in her throat and looked back at her mother, ears flat.
"...No... no I don't!" Jyncole said, almost in disbelief. "I really don't." Jyncole covered her face with her hands. "Then why did I say those things? Why am I so jealous? Why do I want to be by her side but I don't... want... What's wrong with me?"
Jyncole felt her mother's arm about her shoulders. She didn't dare look over at her mother as her face felt warm and tingly, hairs standing on end. "You love her, and it's hard for all childhood friends to watch each other grow up and drift apart, as everyone finds their own partners. It will be painful at first, but eventually, you will also find someone and start your own family. And while your friends will be important, they won't be as pivotal in your life that they were in your childhood. It's time to let go Jyncole."
Jyncole lowered her hands, her eyes glistening with unwept tears. "But I don't WANT to let go! And I don't want..." Jyncole blinked furiously. "....I don't want to start a family. The boys all make my skin crawl." Jyncole coughed. "But... the girls aren't... what I want either. I don't want anybody, but I don't want to be alone!" Jyncole covered her face again, this time heaving out sobs.
As Jyncole spewed out her confusion and strong emotions, she felt the tender touch of her mother rubbing her back. Eventually she leaned into her mother's ample bosom, finding solace there. Her mother petted the fur atop her head and looked her over with partially closed eyes. "No one wants to be alone."
"But I will be, won't I?" Jyncole moaned.
"I don't know, Jyn, I don't know. I don't understand what you are going through, all I see is my daughter is in distress. I'm here, and as long as I am, you are not alone," Jyncole turned her head, pressing her cheek into the folds of her mother's blouse, tears staining the fabric. Arms wrapped around her, Jyncole remained in that embrace as long as she could. Whatever the future may bring, she was not alone in that moment. And that was worth to her more than a dozen suitors.
When the sobs had subsided, Jyncole flattened her ears and looked up into her mother's eyes. "Maybe it's my lot to be an old maid. But I can be a comfort to you in your old age, without losing anything or giving anything up."
"Hush, don't talk like that. You're young, and things may become clear to you someday," her mother reproached tenderly.
"I think things are coming clear tonight. I've made a fool of myself. But that will pass. My friends will all move on, but you'll never choose to leave me, and I'll never choose to leave you," Jyncole was resolved.
"And who will take care of you in your old age?"
This gave Jyncole pause in her heroic self revelation. If she had no family, where would she go when she was old and ailing? Jyncole sat up and wiped her eyes. "I have a lifetime to figure that out."
"That you do, Jyncole, that you do."
The two remained cosily set up by the fire. Jyncole watched as it slowly dwindled down to embers. While she had thought herself in love with her friend, she didn't feel the peace with herself as she did now, realising that it was all folly. The idea of being alone scared her, but was oddly comforting in putting it into words. She identified it, and she could face it. It would get harder as she grew, but for the present, she had her friends and family, and she would cherish every moment.