July 10, 2018
It’s kind of hot today.
On this time of the year, the heat is unbearable.
I unbutton the button on my neck till my chest as the heat makes me sweat a lot. I wore a shirt under my uniform and I am starting to regret it. My shirt is soaking on sweat and I just hope I don’t smell.
“Lucio, want some juice?” Emery offered me an apple juice.
“Thanks, since its cold I needed it to cool my head off.” I took the apple juice and put it above my head.
Emery is like a best friend to me as we talk a lot to each other even when there is no class, well she’s a talkative person and I guess she took all my free time by just talking. Interacting with other classmates aren’t difficult as they are all approachable.
It’s been a month since school started and I could say, all of us began to feel comfortable with each other. On the other hand,
“Why’d you put it on your head?” A deep yet pleasant voice whispered behind me and took the apple juice above my head.
“AHH!! Why’d you drink it when it’s not even yours? You are sometimes mean you know that?” Emery yelled at the person behind me.
I looked behind and saw the tall and handsome fellow named Damian.
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June 6, 2018
“Are you still in love with me?” his deep voice penetrated my ear.
The questions that he asked shocked me.
“…what are you talking about?” I replied.
He then looked at me confuse.
“When we were kids, I think it was on the 21st of May, when I was about to leave the country and go abroad.” He said.
…
“I… remembered.” I timidly say.
“Then?”
I don’t even know how to answer that.
Do I still have feelings for him?
Do I?
I looked at him and think deeply if I’m still in love with him.
But…
“You’re kinda gross...”
A memory suddenly emerged.
My heart starts to hurt as I keep remembering being rejected by him when I told him about my feelings. We were still kids back then so these words should be something like child’s play but those words still hurt till now.
“I don’t think I still have those feelings anymore...” I stared straight at him.
“Hmm, well I guess I’m relieved. Since we reunited I thought it would be an awkward situation since we see each other at school.” He turns his back and continued walking ahead of me.
I don’t know what’s his thinking but I am really uncomfortable walking with him.
“So… you like guys huh?” he looks at me.
Guys? I don’t like anyone after you and I don’t think I could love any guys anymore since the rejection haunts me still.
“I don’t have any affection towards anyone.” I looked at his eyes as I answered.
“By the way, why’d you ask those questions?” I ask.
“Just curious.” He then looked straight.
Curious? About my sexual orientation?
“Are you uncomfortable with a gay classmate?” I asked but I’m kind of afraid with his reply.
“Not really, I’m fine with classmates like that. Just as I said, I’m just curious about you.”
Tell me why did I fall in love with this guy in the first place?
My childhood memories with his seems to be completely wiped out except from what I can recover as of now. The pain from that rejection could’ve forced my memories at that time to disappear to ease my broken heart. I’m a child, it’s what such childish thing to do.
We kept walking for a while and he told me stories after he left the country. He met his new dad and two new older sisters, at first they are not happy with their father’s decision but as time went by, they started to care for Damian. Life at that point seems fine and they started to look like a normal family. Years went by and they decided to visit Damian’s birthplace, after loving the place, they decided to stay.
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“I live here.” We arrived at my place, nobody seems to be at home.
“Ah, I’ll take a cab since I live far from here. I Just wanted to talk. You know, to catch things up.” He then left after waving goodbye.
I went inside the house and I don’t know why but my body lost its energy.
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July 10, 2018
Why is this man keeps pestering me? I don’t want to do anything with him.
Honestly, why did I even liked this man?
Yeah he has these good looks, beautiful eyes, pointed nose, cute smile but I saw many good looking people and none of them haven’t made my heart skip a beat.
“Lucio? Your eyes seem…scary.” Emery tapped my shoulder.
Well I’ve been trying to guess what’s this man thinking.
“He took the juice you gave me and the coolness on my head disappeared.” I turned around and focus on the window, looking at the clear blue sky.
“It’s hot.” I whispered to myself.
After a while, the teacher arrives, its history subject so I am not quite fond of it anyways.
…
“Group yourselves into three for your history project.” Said by the teacher.
Grouping by ourselves seems a bad decision from you teach as they will only group themselves with friends, people that don’t have any smarts could fail your class but you don’t seem motivated enough to bother picking it yourself due to the heat.
As I grumbled in my head, someone came up to me.
“…Lucio, would you like to be in the same group? We lack one and seems that Lucio doesn’t have a group yet.” The one that talked just now, medium length dark brown silky hair, golden ratio body, porcelain looks, and a cute smile, the class president Shin Hokama.
“Ah, yes sure.” I answered slowly since the heat dries my throat.
The class president is a beauty with her mix Asian genes, she’s also friendly but shy sometimes, very approachable and boys seems to love her.
“I added you to the group chat. We can talk in it since you seem too tired to talk.” She then returns to her chair.
I opened my phone and saw the newly made group chat.
*Shin added you-
The other person is… Lirio Cea.
The class secretary, he wore glasses and have curly black hair. They sat next to each other so I guess they are friends, but why did the class president asked me?
“I’ll leave early since I’m sweating bullets.” The teacher then left, it must be nice since the teacher’s office is air-conditioned.
Even though we are on the third floor, wind is so rare to pass by. I went outside the room and just lean on the fence looking at the students below.
“Ahh~ they’re eating ice cream.” I whispered to myself.
Since there are no class I guess it would be fine to go to the cafeteria.
While walking, I kept on thinking to myself on what part of Damian did I liked. Why am I even thinking of these stuff when I said I don’t like him anymore, or just subconsciously, I am still in love with him.
“…” what just happened? Why did my heart suddenly flutter?
No…
I don’t want to be hurt again. This is just stupid thoughts and it’s just because we are childhood friends…
I suddenly stopped on the hallway and covered my reddish face. This is going to be hard…
“Lucio? Are you okay?” Shin who was behind me asked me while having a worrying look.
“Yes I’m fine, it’s just the heat…” I gave her a smile.
“Are you heading to the cafeteria? Let’s go together since I’m heading there as well.” She smiled back at me and hold my hand.
Why is she being this friendly, I mean she is the class president, but she just suddenly holds my hand. I empty my head instead because I will have a headache from thinking too hard with this heat.
We bought ice cream popsicles, even the ice creams suffering from this heat, it’s not even hard and melts easily. I tried to eat it quickly so that it won’t drips.
Suddenly, class pres. touched my lips and wipes the dripping ice cream, I seem to have ice cream dripping from my mouth.
“I’m sorry.” I shyly told her.
“Don’t worry, you look kinda cute eating the ice cream.” She then proceeds to ate her ice cream as well.
What’d she means cute? I blushed from her saying that.
“Lucio, I’ll be honest. I like you.” She looked at me with seriousness in her eyes.
I was speechless as I don’t know how to respond to that confession. She like me? You mean romantically? Or just as a friend? As a friend right? Just a friend.
“You look flustered?” she keeps looking at me with those straight eyes.
“I…I don’t know how to respond… you mean you like me as a friend right?” I shyly asked her.
“Nope, I meant it like I want to be your girlfriend.” She smiled back at me.
I don’t know why but rather than feeling happy, I seems to be afraid of her.
“You like me too right?” she asked me.
“I don’t have an answer…” I looked away from her.
Suddenly, someone put his arms on my shoulder.
“What are you guys talking about?” Its Damian.
I became even more flustered, I remembered I also confessed to Damian before and I was rejected and I was hurt. What if I rejected this girl in front of me and she also will be hurt with my words?
“Nothing, you can message me later Lucio, Bye~” she then waved us goodbye.
I was relieved when she left, the ice cream on my hand completely melted and my hands are now sticky. I shoved Damian’s arms off my shoulder and went to the restroom to wash my hands. This kind of things should happen to people like Damian, things like the most beautiful girl in class will fall in love with the most handsome guy as well.
These situations are too stressful for me; I don’t know how to function when cornered on those situations. I’ll go back to the classroom since class will start soon, just keep your head cool Lucio, I washed my face with water to cool off.
Am I bisexual? It’s the first time a girl confessed to me and I was that flustered but also felt fear, I also liked Damian before. I looked at the clouds, clear blue sky.
Ah, this feeling, I’ve unlocked a memory~
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May 13, 2010
“Lucio!! What will you do in the future?” Damian asked little Lucio while dipping his feet on the shallow river.
“Hmm... I don’t know, I am too young to think of the future yet.” Lucio replied while also dipping his feet on the cold river.
“My parents keep fighting and I think they’ll end their marriage. I don’t know what will happen to me after.” Damian looked at Lucio with a sad face.
Lucio pinch Damian’s cheeks.
“You can stay with me when that happens!” Lucio proudly said himself.
“Hahahaha~ it’s like we are getting married” Damian keeps on laughing.
“We are both sad and when we are together, we are happy!” Lucio said to Damian with a caring tone.
“You really are a good friend Lucio! ~” Damian leapt at Lucio and hugged him, making them fall down and drench in the river water.
Lucio felt something in his heart, his heart skips a beat when he looks at the happy Damian. He began to understood those feelings as love, at his age, he understands that having those feelings between the same gender will always give bad results. He kept those feelings hidden.
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July 10, 2018
I don’t have any reason, my feelings just appeared on that day. Do I have a reason to love someone? My reason would be,
“I just do.” Lucio squats and cover his red face.
My feelings aren’t gone, they are now a part of me, my feelings on that day still lingers.
I am still in love with him. I just do, this unknown reason of why I just love him doesn’t require any reason. He is just someone I love.
I stood up and tried to compose myself.
“Shin Hokama!” I heard a familiar voice.
A tall guy I’m so familiar with stood in front of the beautiful girl that just confessed to me.
“Will you be my girl?” Damian confesses to Shin.
Pain suddenly erupts within my heart, my heart suddenly felt heavy and tight.
This is the feeling of being hurt again.