She finally fell asleep and work the next day went by too fast, because of course it did. Why do days fly by if you’re dreading something that’s coming up? Elliot texted her on and off all day as he worked but he had to work late and her shift wasn’t over until nine. They decided to wait and see each other on Tuesday evening. Then evening turned into night because Elliot had a work emergency. It was eight o’clock and she was working on some painting when Elliot texted that he was downstairs. She walked down in her paint-covered sweats and messy bun because despite being a total mess she felt free and sexy when she was dressed like this and covered in art. He smiled at her as she sat down in front of him.
“I know I’m a mess, I was painting,” she explained.
“You look nice,” he said.
“Right,” she said.
“I think it’s sexy,” he said.
“Actually, I do too, I always feel less stressed after I let it all out,” she said.
“Have you been stressed?” he asked.
“Well I’m a little nervous about tomorrow,” she admitted.
“So, you’re still coming?”
“Yes, Elliot I promised,” she tilted her head at him and gave him a serious look.
“I understand how you feel, but it’s not as bad as you think and I will be right there,” he said taking her hand. It actually made her feel a lot better, usually when people said things like that it sounded empty to her. But not now, not with Elliot, she knew he chose his words carefully and made sure they were real and that they mattered. They got some coffee and talked for a while before Darlene came in and demanded she sleep at Raine’s apartment for emotional support. Raine smiled at her, looking at them both she couldn’t imagine her life without the Alderson siblings now. Though Elliot was her boyfriend, they felt like her family. She just wanted them all to live at Papi’s and be one big family all the time.
“Raine, hey!...Baby?” Elliot was saying as he shook her hand that he’d been holding across the table.
“What?” she snapped out of her thoughts.
“You call her ‘baby’ now? Gross, I thought you hated pet names?” Darlene said. Raine looked across at them staring at her with their big eyes and smiled.
“I used to, it just feels right now,” he said defending himself.
“And you’re sticking with that one?” Darlene asked, and Elliot leaned his head back exasperated.
“Are you okay?” Darlene asked her.
“Yea I was just lost in thought,” she said.
Elliot squeezed her hand, “you’re not that nervous about tomorrow, are you? You don’t have to come if it really freaks you out.”
“No, I’m gonna go, I wasn’t even thinking about that,” she looked in his eyes to reassure him.
“Really?” he asked.
“I promise, I’ve kind of accepted it, I mean I’m nervous, but I will be fine, now that I’ve had time to process it, I think it’s a good idea,” she said.
After a while Elliot had to go home, Raine and Darlene stayed up too late talking. She told Darlene all her fears about therapy and they talked about Luke and Raine had a little breakdown so Darlene held her as she fell asleep. The next morning Darlene woke her up and she still had her head on Darlene’s shoulder.
“You know since you and Elliot haven’t kissed, you and I have gotten just as far as you and him,” she teased.
Raine laughed, “that’s not funny.”
“You laughed.”
“It’s not true either unless you’ve pleasured yourself to my modeling pictures,” Raine said trying to gross her out.
“Who says I haven’t?” Darlene threw back. Raine eyed her suspiciously because with Darlene she wasn’t sure it was a joke. “Oh my gosh, I’m kidding, you’re hot and I would do you but you’re like a sister to me, even before you practically married my brother.”
Raine rolled her eyes, “we don’t act married.”
“You’re going to couples counseling.”
“Because we can’t kiss, I think that calls for a professional.”
Darlene shrugged, “well, either way, my brother is head over ass in love with you.”
“I think it’s head over feet… wait, did he say that?”
“He doesn’t have to, I can tell.”
“We haven’t known each other a week.”
“Don’t pretend like you’re any more normal, you’re in love with him too.”
“I didn’t say I wasn’t,” Raine said.
Darlene smiled at her, “I knew it!”
“I didn’t say I am either… I mean I am for sure headed there, but I need to pace myself, I can’t even explain how it feels,” Raine said.
“I couldn’t either, with Cisco,” Darlene said.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” Raine started but Darlene waved her off, saying “I’m fine.” Raine knew it was a lie, but she didn’t push it. Darlene helped her put together her most professional-looking outfit and then left. She worked for a couple of hours and another employee; Leanne came in to cover for her.
“You know I’ve been wanting more hours, so if you need the rest of the day it’s fine,” Leanne said.
“Thank you, Leanne, you can finish the shift on the clock, but I will probably be back to help just to get my mind off of things,” Raine said.
Leanne smiled sympathetically and said, “good luck.”
Her girls knew she was going to therapy, but she hadn’t told them why, she wondered what the rumors had been. She took a cab to Krista’s in-home office. She rang the doorbell and waited. Elliot answered the door and smiled, “you’re here,” he said almost sounding surprised.
“Am I late?” she asked.
“No, a little early, I’m just glad you came.”
“You still didn’t think I would?”
“Well I’ve been in your shoes and even I never knew if I would show up or not, and mine was mandatory,” he laughed
“But you always did,” she said.
“Yea, come in, she still hasn’t gotten a real office since the hack, so she works from home, I think she kind of likes it better,” he explained as he led her to a very nice living room.
“I certainly do, it doesn’t look like a hospital,” she said. She had told him about her parent’s death and how she had spent three days straight in a hospital waiting for her dad to die when she was fourteen.
“Good,” he looked at her up and down, “you’re dressed nice.”
“I don’t like it, but I wanted to look as sane as possible.”
“You look like a lawyer… with pink hair,” he laughed.
She pouted, and let out a cry, “I look ridiculous.”
“No, no I didn’t mean it like that,” he said, grabbing her arms from behind and easing her onto the couch as he sat with her. He kept his arm around her. He was dressed in his work clothes because he was only off for a few hours for his appointment. Dress pants, dress shoes, and a light blue button-up shirt that made his blue eyes pop, and of course his signature black hoodie. He was like -A from pretty little liars. She laughed.
“What?” he asked.
“Have you ever watched Pretty Little Liars?” she didn’t know why she was even asking she almost knew he hadn’t.
“Actually, I have, Darlene loved it when she was younger, what? my hoodie?” he asked.
“Yea I just thought of it, I don’t know why?” she said.
“That’s me, I’m -A,” he laughed.
“A for anonymous,” she added.
His eyes got bigger than usual, “Oh man, I am -A,” he began laughing. They were laughing together when Krista cleared her throat, they didn’t know how long she had been standing there but she was smiling.
“Sorry,” Raine said to her, “I’m Raine,” she got up and went over to shake Krista’s hand.
“Oh, don’t apologize, this is a great sign, I wish all my patients were in such high spirits when they come to see me,” Krista said, then she looked around Raine at Elliot and said, “are we ready to begin?”
They went into a room that looked almost like a library, two walls were almost nothing but books. Raine couldn’t help herself she had to read at least some of the titles.
“I feel like Belle,” she said to herself. She looked back and Elliot was already seated on a large leather couch, Krista sat opposite him in front of a nice fireplace, they were both looking at her expectantly.
“Sorry, I love books,” Raine said, embarrassed.
“That’s alright, you don’t even have to sit down,” Krista said, “Mr. Robot likes to walk around and look at things when we talk, it makes him less nervous.”
“Oh no, I was just admiring your books, this is great,” Raine said looking around, she had never been in a home this nice in her life.
She sat down and Elliot said, “did you say you felt like belle?”
She just blushed and vowed to herself to chastise him for bringing it up, later.
“Is everything okay?” Krista asked.
“I’m sorry, I’m so nervous, I’ve never been to therapy, I don’t even know how I’m supposed to act,” she blurted out.
“You can act however you want, this is a safe space but it makes my job easiest if you just be yourself,” Krista said.
“See you should have worn your thigh-high boots,” Elliot said. She knew he was trying to lighten her up so she smiled at him weakly. He realized it wasn’t working so he took her hand, “you okay? Remember I’m right here, nothing said in here will ever be repeated unless you want it to be, you’re safe, Krista is a professional and I trust her completely.”
She felt herself relax, Krista was watching Elliot curiously, and then turned to Raine, “This doesn’t have to be anything you don’t want it to be, you can share what you want, or just sit quietly.” Raine nodded and relaxed even more, so Krista continued, “so I wanted you to join Elliot today to figure out what it is that’s keeping him from being able to express himself physically with you.”
“Well, as you can see,” she said lifting her hand that Elliot was still holding, “we are physical in some ways, holding hands, cuddling, that’s all fine,” Raine said.
“And I can kiss her on the head, and hand, she actually came up with that as our ‘thing’ to replace regular kissing for now,” Elliot said.
“Hand kissing?” Krista asked.
“Yea, well Elliot actually came up with the idea that we could have our own way to show affection until we can kiss,” Raine said.
“But you thought up what it would be,” Elliot said to Raine.
Raine turned to Krista and said with a little laugh, “it was a joint effort.”
Krista smiled, looked pleased, and wrote something in her notebook. Raine shifted in her seat wondering what she was writing. Elliot began rubbing her hand with his thumb.
“So, Raine, I’ll start with you if that’s okay, Elliot tells me you run a coffee shop?”
Raine told her a little about herself, just general things, that her parents died, Krista was surprised she hadn’t gone to therapy about it.
“I know I have trauma; I know methods of soothing myself, I’ve studied psychology, that’s why I never sought therapy, I was just trying to handle it myself and I know that’s wrong but…” Raine was unable to defend her choices further than that.
So Krista said, “But we need to talk to someone else, even professionals, because all of us, as in all humans, lie to ourselves, it’s how our brains work, it’s self-preservation, some people’s coping mechanisms are different but it all comes back to our brains fighting to keep us safe.”
“That’s why I didn’t want to, you know relive everything,” Raine said, “my brain was like ‘therapy means talking about it' and I was like ‘we have to talk about it’ and my brain was like ‘nooo’ so I didn’t.”
Krista chuckled, “That’s one way of putting it, so you’ve talked about your parents, so I assume the trauma you don’t want to talk about is the abusive relationship.”
Raine froze, squeezing Elliot’s hand so tight he groaned a little. He went directly into comfort mode, “Hey, it’s okay baby,” he said. Hearing his voice loosened her grip enough for him to free his hand and put his arm around her, “I’m here,” he said in the most soothing voice she could ever imagine, and she melted into him because she couldn’t help herself. Krista watched them, nodded almost approvingly, and wrote some more in her book. Raine wanted to watch her reactions but Elliot was looking at her like she was on fire, so she calmed herself to look him in the eye, and say, “I’m okay.”
He brought his other hand to her chin almost like he was going to kiss her and said, “you sure?”
She nodded then backed away from him a little to face Krista, “sorry about that.”
“It’s okay, did you see what just happened here?” Krista asked.
“Umm, what do you mean?” Raine asked.
“When you realized Elliot was worried, you shed all your nervousness to reassure him,” Krista said.
“Well, what does that mean?” Raine asked.
“Just an observation.”
“Okay, sorry you brought that up just like, I wasn’t expecting it, I can talk about it but I think Elliot already told you most of it,” Raine said.
“Did that bother you?” Krista asked.
“Well, you kind of figured it out from our phone call so it’s not like the told on me,” Raine laughed, “but actually I am glad he told you anyway, so I don’t have to.”
“Did he tell me… everything?” Krista asked that but what she meant was, had Raine told him everything. At least Krista was trying to be discreet about it.
This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.
“Well I wasn’t there, so I don’t know but probably not, it would take months to sort through everything, but I’m sure you know abusive relationships share a lot of traits, I mean you’ve seen one you can spot them all, I mean details and names change but there are patterns, I’ve read a lot of stories from other women and it’s like reading my own diary,” Raine said.
“And is this person still a part of your life?” Krista asked.
“Oh, hell no,” Raine said, Elliot laughed, and Krista smirked.
“So, he hasn’t tried to contact you?” Krista asked.
She froze again and Elliot looked at her confused.
“Why would you ask that?” she said quickly.
“It’s very common for an abuser to continue communication for as long as legally possible, did you seek legal protection?” Krista asked.
Raine scoffed, “Oh I chased it and it ran away, they wouldn’t do anything with him, so I just started ignoring him.” Raine braced herself for the next question because she knew exactly what it would be, and she didn’t want to have a noticeable reaction.
“And did that work? Did he leave you alone,” Krista asked.
Raine nodded confidently and said, “Yes,” but gave Krista a look, darting her eyes toward Elliot. Krista nodded knowingly and said, “I see.”
She asked Elliot a few questions to distract him and then asked if she could speak to Raine privately for a few minutes. As soon as he was out of the room Krista asked, “why don’t you want Elliot to know this man is still contacting you?” She was good.
“It’s not that I don’t want him to know, I just don’t want him to do anything about it and he would.”
She told Krista about how her and Darlene and Mr. Robot had decided not to tell Elliot and why, when she was done she said, “the last thing I want to do is keep something from him but if it would get him in trouble, you’re his therapist, what do you think I should do? Honestly because if you think he can handle it, I’ll tell him but you know what he does about things like this,” Raine said.
“Well I think you feel really guilty for something you can’t control and for just trying to do what’s best for Elliot, I don’t think it would help him to know right now but I do think you should do something about this guy, what’s his name?”
“Luke,” Raine said.
“And what things does he say?”
“The basics, that I’m a stupid bitch and I should have died with my parents, you know, the usual,” Raine said, “the cops won’t do anything, so I don’t really have a way to stop it.”
“Doesn’t Darlene have a girlfriend in the FBI?” Krista asked.
“Yes and Darlene has offered to ask her to help but I feel like maybe Dom would feel like we are using her, and their relationship is so rocky already,” she threw her hands up exasperated.
“Do you always do that?” Krista asked.
“Do what?”
“Let yourself suffer for the sake of everyone else?” Krista asked. Oh, she was really good.
“Okay, I’ll think about it, but honestly I don’t think my trauma is Elliot’s problem with kissing, he tried before we talked about it, I mean he knew but we hadn’t discussed it a lot.”
“You’re changing the subject,” Krista said, Raine didn’t say anything so Krista sighed, “but I did say I would try to fix this problem quickly and I think you’re probably right, but I do want to talk to you more about this, alone.”
“Okay, I’ll make an appointment,” Raine said and Krista smiled.
Krista went and told Elliot they were ready for him to come back and when he got there she said, “so Elliot, we don’t think the problem is Raine’s abuse scaring you away.”
“So, what is it?” he asked.
“Well, you said, ‘if I kiss her, she will get hurt’ why do you think that is?” Krista asked.
“I don’t know,” he said.
“Has kissing you hurt anyone else?” Krista asked.
A look passed over his face, a realization, “Yes, everyone,” he said.
“And how did it hurt them?” Krista asked.
“I kissed Shayla, and she died, I kissed Angela and she died, I kissed Olivia and she tried to kill herself,” he said.
“But Elliot, Shayla, and Angela didn’t die because you kissed them, they were murdered…” Krista started.
“And Olivia didn’t try to kill herself because you kissed her, she did it cause you drugged her,” Raine said, “wait that didn’t come out right.”
“I have the kiss of death,” he said, ignoring both of them.
“You also kissed Darlene and she’s fine,” Raine said.
He finally heard her and said, “but she’s my sister!”
“But she’s still alive,” Raine said.
“Being kissed by her brother and finding out he is crazy was probably punishment enough,” he said.
“Elliot you know that you kissing them had nothing to do with the bad things that happened to them,” Krista said.
“I know it sounds ridiculous, but it has happened every time,” he said.
“Elliot that is just a coincidence, and like I said Darlene is fine, and her finding out about your illness isn’t bad, it was a part of your healing,” Raine said.
“It will take a long time to work through your guilt,” Krista started, “but I assure you kissing had nothing to do with any of those things, can you see how it doesn’t make sense.”
Elliot thought about it for a minute, “well I guess now that I know, I associated me kissing them with my guilt over their deaths,” he said, then he looked at Raine, “should we try it?”
“Here?!” she cried.
“I’m sure Raine would prefer your first kiss to be somewhere other than my office,” Krista said, with a little sympathetic smile.
“I feel so stupid,” Elliot said.
“Don’t feel stupid,” Krista and Raine said at the same time.
“We aren’t responsible for what our subconscious tells us,” Krista started, “yours was trying to tell you that you still felt guilty but it was using the fact that you had coincidently kissed all those people before they died as a way to force you into facing it.”
“A lot of people died that were my fault, that I didn’t kiss,” he said, mostly to himself. Raine looked at Krista concerned.
“Elliot, we’ve discussed this, it wasn’t your fault,” Krista said.
“It kind of was,” he said. Raine felt a sob trying to escape her throat, and tears formed in her eyes.
“Elliot my parents were on their way to get me when they wrecked,” Raine started.
“Yea but…” he tried to interrupt.
“I stayed in an abusive relationship for years, even when I was studying abusive relationships in college,” she said.
“Neither of those things were your fault,” he said.
“Why not?” she asked.
“Because it’s not like you wanted that to happen,” he said, then understanding dawned on him.
Krista nodded to herself and wrote some more in her notebook. Tears started forming in Elliot’s eyes and he began to cry. Raine wrapped her arms around his head and held him and cried into his hair. When he got settled, they talked about normal things for a few minutes before Krista said, “Raine I did want to ask you something before you leave.”
“Okay go ahead,” Raine said.
“Elliot said something concerning at lunch but confusing, he said you had… had sex but not really and wouldn’t tell me what he meant,” Krista said.
Raine sighed, and Elliot looked like he wanted to run out of the room.
“I don’t feel like… I’ve ever had sex,” Raine said.
“And what does that mean?” Krista asked.
“Every time I’ve ever done it… it felt like…” she looked at Elliot knowing he hated this, but she finished, “it felt like rape.”
“Was it?” Krista asked.
“Well mostly, but sometimes I wanted to… have sex, but just not with him so I agreed to do it, because he was my boyfriend… I don’t know what you would call that, because I agreed to it, and I wanted to be doing it, just not with him, and I feel bad comparing that to rape because it doesn’t compare to the other times but it still felt like that in my head,” Raine said.
“That’s understandable,” Krista said, “all rape is traumatic no matter how it happens.”
Raine heard a sniffle and she looked over, Elliot had a hand over his eyes and was crying again.
“Elliot, how does it make you feel hearing this about Raine?” Krista asked.
“It fucking breaks my heart,” he said.
Raine touched his arm, “I’m okay,” she started.
“No,” Krista said, “you deserve to feel your suffering, you don’t have to mask your pain for the comfort of others.”
“But he’s crying,” Raine sobbed.
Elliot sucked in a deep breath and put an arm around Raine, he looked at Krista and tears were still rolling down his cheeks, “what should I do to help her?”
Krista smiled, “don’t let her make her pain about you, Raine I know you want to comfort Elliot it’s natural and you’re more than welcome to do that if it’s about him, but Elliot is only being compassionate, for you right now, you don’t need to fix that for him, it’s healthy, it’s okay to let things be about you.”
“I’ll try,” she said.
“And when you two decide to be intimate don’t do things you don’t want to do to make Elliot happy, even if you trust him and he’s not like your ex, because he isn’t, you control what happens to your body, and I’m sure Elliot would agree with me in telling you not to do that.”
“I do,” Elliot said, looking at Raine.
“And Elliot, I know you well enough to know you won’t rush her but don’t be afraid to be with her intimately, she won’t break.”
Elliot bit his lip suppressing a laugh.
“What’s funny?” Raine asked.
“I think she’s telling me to have rough sex with you.”
“Elliot!” Raine said feeling herself blush and Krista laughed out loud, surprising Raine.
“That is not my business, but if that’s what you both want, don’t be afraid to go for it, sometimes with survivors of rape it helps to be with someone you truly trust in a similar way and replace the old memories with new safe ones,” Krista said.
“You’re not wrong but how do you know I trust Elliot so much?” Raine asked.
“Just observation, you two seem very in sync for such a new relationship, and you seem to have a healthy respect for each other, and have already developed some healthy ways of dealing with each other’s trauma aside from Raine’s habit of sacrificing herself for others which I am positive started long before you two met. I think you’re good for each other,” she said.
Elliot smiled taking Raine’s hand and kissing it, “that’s good.”
“And on a personal note, Elliot as your friend, you guys make a great couple, you’re cute together and you haven’t looked this happy… ever, which I told you Sunday, but I wanted her to hear it, and Raine I hope you will come back for your own sessions, you can even wear your thigh-high boots if you want.”
“I will… try to do that,” Raine said laughing, but she already knew she would be coming back, she felt like someone had gone stirring around in her insides but also she felt a little bit lighter.
They said their goodbyes and Krista hugged them both. Raine liked her a lot as she figured she would since Elliot was a good judge of character.
As they walked out together Elliot said, “I want to kiss you now, and I feel like I could but I want it to be special.”
“Okay, that’s fine, I can wait.”
“So?” he said, walking and holding her hand.
“So what?” she asked, knowing but wanting him to say it.
“How do you feel? Are you glad you came?”
“Yea I am, and I like her… I just feel like… like I’m all mess but still somehow lighter, it’s weird because I’ve told those things to you and Darlene but it’s like… it’s like if you’re sick and you tell a friend but you know they can’t do anything about it but then you tell a doctor and as soon as you tell them you start to feel better because it’s almost like it’s their problem now.”
“Wow, never heard that before,” he said.
“I think it’s an anxiety thing,” she said.
“Yea it makes sense, I’ve just never thought of it like that before.”
“So, you’re going to work?” she asked, as they got to a corner that would split them up in different directions.
“Yea, look at us, we look like real adults,” he said referring to their clothes.
“I am changing as soon as I get home, I don’t actually have to go back to work because the girl wants more hours, but I need to go cry or something,” she laughed.
“Want me to get out of work? Do you need me?” he asked.
“No, I’m okay, and I actually mean that, I just want to… reflect and stuff, does that sound stupid?”
“Nah, not at all,” he said, and he almost stepped forward like he was going to kiss her but he stopped himself, “Oh right, this isn’t romantic enough.”
She smiled and lifted his hand to her lips and kissed it lightly but let her lips linger barely grazing his skin, he groaned, “ugh fuck, come on.”
She giggled, “What?” she said feigning innocence.
“You know what you did,” he said. He pulled their hands over to himself and kissed the back of her hand quickly, “I’ll text you.”
“Okay,” she said, and they parted ways.