Welcome to Sunny Side Valley.
Underneath, in red letters against cracked yellow paint read,
Home to the Best Creamed Calf Jello in the World
"Yeah I’m not eating that."
"You have to. It’s all they have here."
"I’d rather eat my own toenails."
"Suit yourself. Me, I’m getting the biggest plate of creamed calf jello I can find, and I’m just going to-"
"Good lord that smells bad. What is that?"
"That’s Sunny Side Valley. We’ve just entered the city limits. I guess that’s what calves getting creamed smells like."
"This is like the least sunny valley I’ve ever seen."
The old Volkswagen pulled into Sunny Side Valley’s bustling downtown metropolis consisting of about three buildings, each housing more birds than people.
"I’m going to vomit in your car if we have to eat here."
"There’s nowhere else for hours, we’ve gotta get gas, too. And you’re going to try their famous cow pudding."
“Jello."
The door dinged on their way in the cafe.
"Well whatever it is, it-"
He stopped talking, realizing that everyone in the cafe was silent, and staring at the mounted tv, which was emitting a screeching static that somehow made the silence even quieter. Not a muscle moved. Then, after a few crackles, the tv blinked off, and everyone began talking. The duo stood in the doorway, staring.
Everyone behind the counter was singing a little song, like the seven dwarves while they worked. They sang about someone named Lou Anne who fell for a sham making coconut jam in a pink frilly pram. The costumers all wore enormous smiles while they stuffed food in their mouths. Somehow they talked, smiled, and ate at the same time. The result was food being spit and dribbled and a minority being actually swallowed.
"Good afternoon travelers! You’re not from around here, that much I know for sure! Hush up, everyone!"
The dwarves shut up, and the customers stopped talking and chewing. Just staring with an open mouthed smile, food dribbling down the chins.
"So! Where are ya from?"
This lady stood in front of them, ample breast heaving, and an apron pulled around her surgically thin waist. Her painted face smiled at them like a clown.
“Hi."
"Can we get a menu? Or…"
"What do you want?"
"Oh. What do you have?"
"What do you want?"
The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.
The duo, still standing in the doorway, nervously chuckled at each other.
"Okay. Sure, yeah I’ll just do a burger with fries. And a Dr Pepper."
"Yeah me too. Pepsi."
The waitress model stared at them for a while as if waiting for more.
"Do you have that-"
"COMING RIGHT UP!"
She screamed in their faces, then turned and sprinted back behind the bar.
"Okay. This is weird. I guess let’s sit down…"
There was only one empty table, right in the center of the crowded room. They made their way to it, conscious of the many eyes on them. The customers had not yet continued eating. The two just sat at the table. Not saying a word.
“Hi."
An old man, sitting alone. He seemed to have a gelatinous type of sludge dripping down his chin, the source being inside his grinning, open mouth.
“Hi."
“Hello."
They were reluctant to talk, but also curious about this weird ghost town.
"I’m Amos."
A long beat followed.
“Joan,"
Said Joan.
"Don’t tell him your name,"
Hissed the other one.
"This is Joey."
Joey stamped on her foot under the table.
"Well welcome to Sunny Side Valley."
“Thanks,"
Said Joan.
“Yeah."
Said Joey
"ORDER FOR JOEY"
The waitress was yelling, even though she stood right next to them, holding her platter in one hand and a hairless cat in the other. Hairless cats look like the devil.
"Yeah, me."
Joey muttered, giving Joan another stamp and a meaningful look.
"How did you know my name? And what is this!"
Whatever it was, it was certainly not a hamburger.
“JOAN"
"I’m right here, who told you our names?"
The waitress hurriedly clattered two plates in front of them, and two glasses of something that was clearly not Dr Pepper or Pepsi, and bolted away again.
"She runs very fast for being in those stilettos."
Joan was impressed.
"What is happening? Why do they know our names? And what is this…"
Joey poked the gray, lumpy clump of something on his plate.
Joan bent her face down to the plate and sniffed.
"It’s obviously calf jello. And I’m not eating it, let’s leave."
"Should we pay?"
"Let’s just get out of this place."
As they made their way to their feet, the TV crackled on again. A wave of heads whipped around to face it and all noise ceased. The static gave way to a surprisingly clear picture. A reporter, at a desk with a flag behind it. On the flag was a picture of the creamed calf jello. It looked like someone had taken a screenshot of their camera and pasted it crookedly onto a flag. It was giving “i'm an aspiring graphic designer.” The woman reporter had her hair slicked back into oblivion, and wore a red oversized bow tie. Like a clown. Her make up looked like it had been done by her four year old niece.
Attention, residents of Sunny Side Valley.
Her voice was light and cheerful with an accent. Caked yellow eye shadow flashed every time she blinked.
Your officials have decided to implement a precautionary quarantine effective immediately. Please make your way indoors as quickly as possible, and stay there. Do not make eye contact with anyone, including friends and family. Do not speak. Do not open any door or windows.
The reporter's lips were bright red and smudged. Her mouth barely moved when she spoke.
Remember, you are always safe and protected by your officials. Keep your head down and don’t think.
The television crackled off.
"Okay we have to leave."
"Don’t we need gas?"
"Let’s just go. Quick."
They hurried out the door. The streets were bustling now, but everyone was calm. No more smiles, they just walked mechanically, hurrying home. The calm before the storm. I guess this happens a lot in Sunny Side Valley. Sirens began wailing and the same message played again, through every speaker in the valley, echoing in the citizens' ears.
Attention citizens of Sunny Side Valley