1 - BY FORCE OF WILL
*sigh*
Me: "I have done it again. This is the second time…"
I close out of the MMO game I was just playing.
Me: “why can’t I stay away?”
It’s not like I am trying to hurt others. But I can’t help but tease someone that I like or find cute. You may be thinking that it's not that bad. I can just be true to my feelings and accept their love if I like them. however if I can’t even be honest about myself to let others know that I’m not really a girl… then how can I tell them I like them. then I always turn and run away and eventually move on to the next MMO… In which I always set a rule to not date anyone online. a rule which I usually end up breaking. When I mention that we should just keep it online for some reason they always want to take a bit more. When asked why I refuse I usually give some reason that ends up breaking their heart and making me sad as well.
*I look at my cute anime cat-girl wallpaper, thankful there were no error messages popping up for closing the game this time*
It all seems harmless enough though. First, I will be simply enjoying myself exploring a new MMO world lost in adventure. But it’s usually never enough. Being a girl its natural to want to look good right? I will always look for pretty new outfits to wear and dress up as much as I want but that’s never the end of it. After dressing up its obvious that you will want to show your cute outfits off. A laugh emote here a dance emote there and they will of course want to either get to know you or call you a show-off. losing myself in fighting almost like a meditation does not help either. Anytime I would party with anyone I would be fighting mobs in the most efficient way while clearing my mind of anything else all my worries and stress would vanish. then there would be more complaints about how I am showing off and not being a team player.
*sigh*
Me: “I can’t help getting carried away its not like I’m trying to say I’m better than anyone.”
*Knock Knock*
Mom: “Adam, we have some spaghetti ready!”
Adam: “alright Ill be right there!”
I get up out of my chair and head out the door or my room. After heading to the kitchen, I serve spaghetti onto my plate then add some parmesan cheese and sit down at the table in the dining room.
My mom takes a bit of spaghetti and looks over to me.
Mom: “have you applied to any new jobs today?”
Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.
Adam: *sign* “not today…”
Mom: “You need to find a job soon! You got to keep applying daily.
Adam: “Mhm…”
It’s not like I don’t want to work but it seems like every time I have a job I can never connect to anyone at all… if anyone wants to talk about me it always feels diss-ingenuine and hollow. Usually people would ask me how I’m doing all I can usually say Is I’m doing good. Every time it’s always the same issue of never being able to connect to anyone. Things have gotten so bad that 0% of my conversations are dedicated to myself or my hobbies leaving everyone put off by my 100% work mode chats.
My Mother and Father continue to chat around the dinner table discussing politics while I tune everything out. While occasionally their conversation brings up transgender topics while not harmful, they are less than supportive of these issues. I am just glad they only talk about them on rare occasions. *sigh* seems like my dad started arguing again. Funny thing is that my mother will clarify a part of the issue my father brings up only for my dad to only hear what he wants to and think he is being told that he is wrong about the whole topic. I suppose years in loud machine shops till he is near deaf and selective hearing will do that.
Quickly finishing up my plate I get up and take my plate to the sink before washing it. I then head outside the back door to my favorite spot. Another meal where I have little or nothing to say in the family conversation. I did not feel like returning to my room and playing my MMO again or looking for a new one to play.
Behind my house it just heads out a few feet into a small forested area with a creek I go to the large rock that’s out by the creek and sit down on it. I pull my feet across each other and sit in the lotus position. I then close my mind to my surroundings and control my breathing letting nothing exist except my mind. Focusing I begin to will myself to be a girl or imagining myself as being a girl.
This is not the first time I have attempted this. As a child I had tried to fly or levitate and succeeded! Or at least I believe I succeeded; I could never do it again afterword’s. I had tried many things several times to see if I could simply make such things happen by sheer willpower. From attempts to levitate to gaining super strength or teleportation I had tried many things but they just had not worked. Kind of pathetic a 30-year-old imagining he can gain superpowers by believing in it right?
You may be wondering why I define myself as He if I see myself as a girl? Well for me If I look like a man I define myself as such. I only define myself as a female in-game as my whole image of myself fades and I become my character. For me it's just my personal preference but I can not still help but wish I was a woman.
Well, this time I am sure I can get it! After all some frogs can change their genders there has to be some way to communicate with my DNA to get it to understand that I want to change. I had started doing this 5 years ago when I had suicidal thoughts but I know that suicide is not the answer if your unhappy you simply have to change what you're unhappy about.
Maybe you’re thinking I could simply talk to my parents and get hormone therapy but for me that method will not work. I don’t want to just look like a woman, I won't look beautiful to look natural and also to be a mother… to carry my own child to watch their cute face and see them grow up. If I could not have that then I always felt its better to not bring this issue up and stir the pot. I am not unhappy as a Man for me its a matter of preference! For me its all or nothing and when this finally works I will go and talk things out with my parents. I will let them know that this is my wish.
Clearing my mind, I let my image overtake myself. I picture myself with long golden hair, a beautiful face B-cup breasts and childbearing hips on a lathe figure. But why stop there I take it a bit farther adding jackal ears ending in long black hair tips and a lion’s tail and golden fir around my body with white fir covering my body to my neck. Then picturing the image of my eyes as the whites turn black and the iris a glowing gold like the sun. I created my image and let it overtake me pushing away all other thoughts there is just my ideal self.
I am not sure how many days or hours or maybe it's just second that pass but time feels like it's flowing swiftly. Then I notice something in my mind where there should be only myself there a small twinkling star. I first thought to remove it but somewhere in the back of my mind told me not to. I reached my hand towards the star and focused on expanding it. I then molded it around me in a sphere-like a barrier and embraced its warmth.
While admiring the golden beauty of the sphere around me suddenly I feel it pulling into myself, it is a comfortable feeling so I allow it in and take it into myself as my sphere slowly shrinks into me when the sphere reaches me I feel even myself vanishing with the ever-shrinking sphere until there is only a tiny dot left.