[Cyph’d GCD Warbrain DistNode: Welcome to the Warbrain Mplex archives. Unauthorized usage penalties include Tentacle Removal (with regrowth inhibitor), Discommendation, a Clam fine of 5 MCL, or all three applied–]

SEARCH QUERY: SOL+PROBE[4-7]+LOGS+TRANSMISSIONS+CLASSJ+APPLYAUTOTRANSLATE+INCLUDE-AI-SUBTITLE+ABBREV-AFTER-FIRST

Results limited to radio broadcast, encryption cyphers if used, analysis, mention of Probe event.

Transmission Log Probe: TD Local TD: 2015-03-03-1958:032 [calibrated for historical ref]

Video 0: News footage of catastrophic probe touchdown at Washington, DC, United States. Destruction [Fusion/Glasspack/Rad] of Capitol Rotunda and surrounding 5 km radius. Shots of glassine flat crater, glowing, steam, burning debris, charred bodies. Estimated lives lost: 350,000 lives [Thirders]. Thirder news reportage, scenes of damage, emergency crews, personal interest, scientific analysis.

Speaker Ident: No name given, Thirder news reporter: “...entire Federal Government non-responding… nearly everybody was in Capitol… Designated Survivor also not responding… Virginia declaring a state of emergency…”

Video 1: News footage of catastrophic probe touchdown at Greensborough, North Carolina, United States. Destruction [Fusion/Glasspack/Rad] of Greensboro Coliseum Complex and surrounding 5 km on 62nd ACC Men's Basketball Tournament (Notre Dame vs North Carolina) during broadcast. Shots of glassine flat crater, glowing, steam, burning debris, charred bodies. Estimated lives lost: 198,000 lives [Thirders]. Thirder news reportage, scenes of damage, emergency crews, personal interest, scientific analysis.

Video 2: News footage of catastrophic probe touchdown at Prince Rupert, British Columbia, Canada. Destruction [Fusion/Glasspack/Rad] of Pizza Hut dining establishment and surrounding 5 km radius. Shots of glassine flat crater, glowing, steam, burning debris, charred bodies, waterfront. Estimated lives lost: 11,000 lives [Thirders]. Thirder news reportage, scenes of damage, emergency crews, personal interest, scientific analysis.

Video 3: News footage of probe touchdown at Beach Haven, New Jersey, United States. Probe Engine jettison during orbital insertion; Probe secondary body landed on Fermat Amusements/Panzini’s Pizza, impact shockwave damage surrounding 275 meters, Probe damage significant but not total, wreckage remains. Estimated lives lost: 280 lives [Thirders]. Thirder news reportage, scenes of damage, emergency crews, personal interest, scientific analysis.

Video 4: News conference, broadcast Canadian News. Speaker Ident Chrystia Freeland, Acting Prime Minister, Canada.

Chrystia Freeland: “...unknown at this time. The Prime Minister was stopping at Prince Rupert on a press tour about the cruise industry, yes. He had a… a desire for pizza, unfortunately. I mean, for fuck’s sake, Pizza Hut?… . Excuse me…. assuming operational duties at this time. There is no word from the United States as to succession steps for the government as much of the operational government was lost in power blackout nationwide due to electromagnetic pulse, transmission failures across the continenthumanitarian disasterwe are providing international aid, the UN and Red Cross… numerous electrical outages, radiation damage in surrounding areas, radio interference in the atmosphere please remain calm and listen to the emergency broadcast networks for further information. Any further questions - yes no, we don’t know the outcome of the ACC game at this time. I think Notre Dame was rallying… it really is a shame… ...not sure why it hit two pizza establishments at this time. I’d hardly call Pizza Hut a.. a pizza…”

Videos 5-54388 similar coverage

Video 54389: News roundtable. Speakers ident Cliff Roberts, news anchor; Doctor Marsha Mow, astrophysics chair Princeton University; Acting US President Arne Duncan (formerly Secretary of Education).

Roberts: We’re back from break. Dr. Mow, can we go over the list again of what we know so far?

Dr. Mow: Sure. At the moment we don’t have much. We only have a partial wreckage from the device that crashed on Long Beach Island, New Jersey. The device has no space for crew and limited resources, only having scientific equipment, so at this time we’re calling them ‘probes’. We’ve got a basic idea of trajectories based on the impact to the satellites they ran into before coming down on the Earth, but it doesn’t help much, as the trajectory arc simply goes outside the solar system. The technology we can analyze is different from ours in many ways. The probes appear to be powered mostly through what looks like a fusion reactor, which our scientists confirm explains the.. catastrophic detonations at the other sites. Some of the computer hardware is very similar to ours - they use a form of magnetized sub-atomic storage similar to solid-state hard drives, just a lot more dense. Most of them were wiped in the crashes.

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Duncan: What about data on who… or WHAT… sent them? And why they hate pizza?

Dr. Mow: We got a little lucky with some of the analysis. Some of the probe files had been soft-deleted but we’re making headway with getting some files out. They use some kind of quantum entangled processor technology we barely understand that’s making teardown of the probe difficult.

Roberts: Why is that?

Dr. Mow: We’ve been using the fundamentals of quantum computing and data transmission for years now, but there is some kind of data transmission device - some kind of flywheel. A ring of exotic matter. The flywheel assembly survived the touchdown, but when we try to get it to spin it causes some kind of… emanation that affects human brains. There may have been some kind of energetic shielding that lessened the effects. Or perhaps the alien brains, if they have them, simply weren’t affected by it.

Duncan: What kind of effects?

Dr. Mow: Limited short-term schizophrenia. Vision issues. Glossolalia - uh, speaking in unknown languages. Some of the emanations must have been absorbed into the mechanism because some of the engineers merely touching the device get the same effects, just shorter-lived. But when we try to activate the flywheel everybody within the area becomes incapacitated.

Duncan: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PIZZA

Roberts: YES WHY DO THEY HATE PIZZA

Dr. Mow: I STRONGLY DOUBT

Video 101221: Scientific Interview Recording (retrieved from inter-agency broadcast, encryption strength minimal). Speakers ident: Unknown Interviewer; Unknown Researcher; Rabbi Hoffstemmer, language and analytics chair, Princeton University.

Interviewer: Subject appears disoriented, sweating. Heart rate 180. Physical symptoms do not repeat to be contagious. Subject appears to be under extreme emotional stress, mental acuity issues. Experiencing hallucinations.

Researcher: Ben? Rabbi? Ben, you’ve got to hold still, you’re going to hurt yourself-

Rabbi Hoffstemmer: It all makes sense, praise be to Jehovah. See? See! I could never see it before! The patterns in the circuitry near the flywheel, they were close, close! So close! We were so close -

Researcher: Frank hold him down, I can’t find the goddamn vein -

Rabbi Hoffstemmer: All peoples, independently discovered, spread through all the languages! Runic algorithm, pronunciation off, probably brainstem aphasia! We can work backward from this now. Akashic records!

Interviewer: I’m getting readings off the spectrum on the polygraph -

Rabbi Hoffstemmer: Esh, Esh, Magal, Ruach

Researcher:

Rabbi Hoffstemmer: Rah, Tzimtzum, Eshrah - wait - aaaaa-

Interviewer: JESUS CHRIST-

Interviewer: HELP AIIII-

Rabbi Hoffstemmer:

Flaming Object: ASUUULL

Flaming Object: ASUUULL EEEVE NEEEH ADDAAMMM