CH 1. THE BEGINNING OF THE END

EDITED BY DIEDE

I'm sick.

And have been for a while.

It started off with an offhand remark to my doctor. He asked about it, my well being, and how the pains and signs have been affecting me recently. He asks more questions. From his changes in tone he seemed anxious, and he ran tests soon after. He told me with as much sympathy as he could whats wrong with me. Cancer. And one year estimate to live.

I was in shock. I told the doctor he must be mistaken. He spoke softly and sullenly. I broke down completely and the following days turned into a blur. I called my family and told them the news. They took it well and comforted me with words of how I’ll recover at some point. I called my job and told them I'm quitting. Broke up with Charlie and told her to never contact me again.

You see, being sick was always my specialty. Being bedridden, missing events, coughing in my dogs face, frustration, tears and various forms of taking medicine were nothing new to me. But I always knew I could get better and that I’d be fine, not this time. The fight seeped out of me and a mix of fury and depression took over. I cried and begged to God why he's doing this to me. Why would anyone do this? Was it because I didn't donate often? Maybe my looks? Was it fucking Jerry’s smoking? Why? The questions and silence plagued me for what seemed to be months. And I hated it. Resented what everyone else around me was taking for granted and loathed the sick bastards of doctors who didn't notice earlier. My thoughts spiraled down.

And down.

And down.

Until I looked up to a stupid poster I bought when I first started to date Charlie.

It was a corney ‘hang in there’ poster.

And I couldn't help but to always grin looking at it.

And it reminded me that even though I lost hope in surviving I still had the will to live. And I have had little time to do so, but with the life I've been granted I had more than enough money to fulfill my dream of living to the fullest.

After pulling myself from drowning in my own emotions, I did truly live.

That following week turned into a bender.

Drinks turned to liquid freedom and music turned to poetry by Apollo himself.

I went to a hairdresser a block away and told them, “ Make my hair pink with cheetah stripes! ”

Of course, I got the retort, “ Cheetahs don't have stripes. “

In the end, I got what I wanted.

I threw away ALL of my clothes and replaced them with solid sun yellow, everything. Shoes, socks, glasses, contacts, underwear, shorts you name it.

I gave my dog to my family to care for and threw a party or two. I may have slept with someone but I can't remember.

I splurged on a ridiculously good laptop ( who I named Betty), fireworks, guns, headphones and visited a chiropractor.

I went to concerts around me with friends and did much much more.

Some of it was even illegal.

One month later I was stuck in the hospital. Part because of me being an idiot and part Cancer. I got my one and only brother to bring me Betty, then reminisced with him for a while. He looked like he wanted to say something. And it kind of clicked. I looked into his dark eyes and said,

“Say it.”

“...What?”

“It looks like you got something to say, say it or I make you.”

He guffaws, “ What in th-”

“Conner, I will and am dying and neither of us wants regrets when I pass so please…”

We both proceed to spill our hearts out. Over memory, feelings, and things that just haven't been said over the years.

This happens again and again for the people I know and what should have been a bittersweet goodbye is release and love for me. I’ve been holding in a lot and never quite said, “I love you.” quite as much as I should.

While in the hospital you have A LOT of time on your hands and with my laptop I used it to the fullest.    

I first looked up meditation. Many youtube videos and friends focused on health loved to boast about its results so I wanted to give it a try. But not just that but an actual attempt. I did some research to find out what it was actually about. Though, mentally I garbaged all types of medications that were in the pursuit of transcendence. I already knew what's coming for me and I refuse to try to run from what I knew is inevitable.

From what I found there are two types of meditation. Focused and open monitoring. In focused you concentrate on one object, breathing image or word and in open monitoring your more in a state of awareness. I wanted to be able to do a bit of both.

AND IT WAS HARD! Here's a tip, don’t try to meditate when you're tired. The first week was me sitting there bored out of my mind, trying to clear my head. Shortly after I was able to just sit there and exist. Then, I added small things to my meditation like slowed breathing, proper positioning and focus on the conditions of my body.

As embarrassed as I should be the goal was to be able to do stuff like control my blood flow, dreams, emotions and anything else I wanted in regards to my body. And it IS possible, I looked it up. It just takes a lot of effort to do so and meditation seemed like a huge boost to getting there.

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The process of getting there was long. Too long

BUT in the meantime obsessed I over Naruto and Harry Potter. Both series have a lot of flaws but those same ones are what makes it shine. The art is superb, the characters all are unique, the fight scenes orgasmic and the world has so much depth. I got sucked into its intricacies and interactions. At some point, I ended up filling my computer with all of the manga and anime of Naruto and each and every Harry Potter book out there. Honestly, it was a nice distraction from hospital ambiance noise and the pain.

And months passed like that.

Reading.

Eat what I could.

Watching my show/movies.

Meditation.

Eat what I could.

Pills

Meditation.

Sleep

And the results were amazing. And here I am on my deathbed with about 7 days left to live, and I can proudly say I accomplished my goals. If it wasn't for me dying I’d say I'm a mini-superman. Though it's not like it was easy. First off, I have an advantage due to all the time I could spend and my approaching death is pushing what would happen in a longer timeframe. I also had to do the proper research in order to get things rolling. Like for blood flow, you need to know where the blood goes, the effects of moving it somewhere else and patience to get things to work how you wish. Lucid dreaming and control over negative emotions took just as much time and worth the effort.

Today I go to sleep happy. Listening to the rhythmic sound of gentle rain hitting my window.

But I didn’t wake up.

I find myself drifting through a void.

And from my practice I know this isn’t a lucid dream, it's too empty, too cold

There’s no color.

No life.

No sound.

Nobody.

No air.

No time.

There’s nothing here and the best I can describe my surroundings is abysmal black.

I come to conclude I'm dead.

But the void is denying me of my grief.

I want to feel angry, sad or even terrified of the void.

But I can’t.

All I can really do is drift.

And float.

And levitate.

And exist.

…

..

.

Okay, this is long.

Not like I feel bored.

Because of the lack of time, I have no idea how long this is or going to be.

Well, what can I do?

Nobody.

No feelings.

No surroundings.

I do have a mind though.

I can meditate.

And so I do. It’s notably different.

First off, reaching your state of just existence is considerably easier.

Second is the complete lack of body.

There is no breathing, sitting or voice so it's… unique.

With the senses I don’t have I reach out to the void.

Of course, it didn't work but I kept trying.

And eventually…

I have…

Something!

After an unknown amount of time I reached out and grasped the void.

It felt like a liquid form of rubber, its thick and slides from my grasp despite it being all around me.

The void itself has a will and undesirable feel.

On another note, grasping.

I’ve found a sort of sixth sense I could use.

Not quite vision or telepathy. More like a sonar. It’s just like I know something's there.

And using that sonar I search and inspect.

I reach out once more and the void backs away.

Great.

I reach again and it and weaves and escapes me.

I try to grasp it again, touching it but finding nowhere to grab.

Maybe I’m going about this wrong.

I take a gaze at it.

That doesn't help.

So I reach with force.

That worked a bit. It dispersed as it did before but revealed a bit of light. Not the normal stuff though, more like holy light rays. I know it sounds ridiculous.

I keep pushing. With more and more intent, the void gives more resistance but I want out and not going isn’t an answer. I AM leaving.

And when I left it felt like an explosion. I could feel I'm alive.

I have a pulse. I have lungs! I have feelings!

And though all I really see is black it’s better than the abyss.

And unlike the abyss, I'm very tired.

I'm going to take a power nap…

I wake up still thoroughly tired.

Something feels off though. I inspect my body by testing out my limbs. I kick out my legs to find a flesh wall, I move my arms to find a fleshy wall the same. Both actions physically tired me out greatly. I find that I don't really need to breathe and feel a pulse around me and in me.

Fuck I’m an unborn baby.

Before I can think of the applications of this I succumb to sleep.

I wake up to another explosion of feelings.

Light sears my eyes and my ears ring from various sounds, a notable calm breeze is burning my skin and it feels like I’m getting pushed through a stone tunnel. It hurts and I try to scream. I can’t. Fear overwhelms me and I try harder and harder to scream. I can’t. I reign in my emotions and access what's going on. A woman is a grunt, occasionally screaming and breathing heavily. Some lady demanding, “ Osu!” and some man sounds like he's trying to soothe both women. What the hell? Someone's grabbing my head and pulling, not hard but definitely pulling. It’s a slow process. But it’s finally done and I’m a little loopy…

I wake up wrapped in cloth starting a giants face. She smells like maple and her long shaggy dark brown hair and hazel eyes bare down on me in a beaming smile. Shocked I give her a sloppy big mouthed smile back. She pokes my face and I grab her finger and give a glare. She laughs way too hard.

We go back in forth like this as I access that I was just born. Oh god, a shiver went down my spine. Let's not think about that. I continue to make faces with my mother, I can't really make sounds but this is surprisingly fun.

I start to hear  a pitter patter the sound of gentle rain and look around the room. It's all stone and makeshift wood walls keep us from the rest. I find myself aching to see it again. It rains harder and I try to crawl toward it. Damn underdevelopment won't let me. Mother sees my vain struggles and whispers, “ Ame.” She starts to hum and sing to me in an attempt to calm me. Giving up I accept it and take the opportunity to sleep.