Mika lay on her side and watched the sunrise through her window. The reds and oranges pushing the black of night away seemed appropriate. Her life had been one long night, and then Papa came home. She had long wished for that moment and had played it out in her mind many times. The reality, though, was nothing like she had imagined.
In her mind, there was a joyous reunion followed by hours of laughing and talking. Instead, there were almost no words. Papa just ran to her, and they both cried a lot. He said he was sorry, and he wished he could take it all back. He said he wasn’t going to be that way anymore. Then, they went to bed. No laughing. No talking. Just tears and short apologies. Now she was lying in her bed, not knowing what to think or feel. She was hopeful that Papa was genuinely sorry, and she was more optimistic he had actually changed, but she still felt that ages-old sadness and loss. The blackness continued its retreat as the sun declared its dominance over the sky, and her thoughts faded away as she lay mesmerized by the rise of the new day. When the last remnant of the night disappeared, she sat up. Her night had gone on too long; it was time to be the sun.
She got out of bed and dressed. Instead of the drab work clothes she was used to wearing, she put on one of the few dresses she owned. She spent extra time brushing her hair, and using one of her mother’s old hairpins, she pulled it into a long ponytail. She only had one pair of shoes, but she took the time to clean them as best she could. She couldn’t see herself fully in her tiny mirror, but she didn’t really need to. She felt the transformation inside of her, and she was Papa’s little girl again. She left the room with a smile on her face.
As soon as she opened the bedroom door, she heard noises coming from the kitchen. Papa was never up this early after harvest, so she thought Reka must have come back from his trip. She got as far as the living area before she stopped dead. The noises she heard had masked another sound, whistling. It wasn’t just any whistling, though. It was the song her mother used to hum to her before bed. She slowly rounded the corner to the kitchen. Papa was bustling about preparing breakfast. She had to contend with another shock as she saw the large basket on the table. It was the same basket they had taken on their last family picnic. Events were moving too quickly, and she started to feel light-headed. Her balance wavered, and she just managed to catch herself before falling to the floor. The sound got Papa’s attention, and he rushed to her side.
“Mika!” He exclaimed. “What’s the matter?”
“I don’t know Papa,” she answered weakly. “I just felt funny.”
He placed an arm around her shoulder and helped her to the table. She exalted in his warmth. She walked a little slower than was strictly necessary, and Papa didn’t seem in too big a hurry either. When he sat her down, he looked at her thoroughly for the first time.
“Oh, Mika, you look so beautiful. What’s the occasion?”
Mika looked up at his admiring face, “I decided to be the sun, Papa.”
She watched as he gathered the plates. He set them on the table and took the seat across from her.
“You decided to be the sun?” He asked.
Under his gaze, she suddenly felt foolish. Despite her newfound resolve, the old insecurities were creeping back in. Her epiphany was fading away into self-doubt, and she felt her shoulders slump.
“Mika, what’s wrong?”
She looked back at him. His eyes were soft, and his face was open.
“I was looking out the window watching the sun come up.” She said. “It was so pretty how the night just went away in all that light. So I decided to be the sun.”
She finished the last words, weakly. She expected Papa to laugh at her or to tell her how silly she was being. Instead, he just looked at her. She did not recognize the look on his face, but she continued.
“You know, it’s been so dark for so long. I just wanted to bring some light.”
There was a moment of silence, and then Papa laughed.
“Oh, Mika, you’re such a smart girl!” He said. “You know what? I think I want to be the sun too.”
He reached across the table and took one of her hands.
“Mika, I love you so much.”
She didn’t know what to do. Even when he had come home last night, he hadn’t said those words. Tears began to fall, and for the first time, she could remember there wasn’t a hint of pain behind them. She let go of his hand and walked around the table. She hugged him tightly.
“I love you too, Papa.”
The meal continued with Mika and Papa sitting side by side. They didn’t talk further, but the silence wasn’t strained. When they were finished eating, Mika gathered the dishes and took them out to the wash pail. When she returned, Papa was filling the basket with some linen-wrapped food.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
He looked up from his work. “I thought we would go for a walk and have a little picnic.”
She liked the idea, but a thought nagged at her.
“But I have work. If Reka comes back and I’m slacking off, he might not teach me.”
“That reminds me,” Papa said, “Where is he?”
“He said he had to take a short trip and that he would be back in a couple of days.”
“Well,” Papa said, “He can hardly complain about you slacking if he’s off on his own little holiday. If he gets upset, I’ll take the blame. I would really like to spend the day with you.”
That was all the convincing Mika needed. She ran to her room and folded up a blanket to take with them. She thought about changing into her work clothes for the trip, but she glanced at her reflection in her mirror and could not bear the idea of putting those rags back on. She met Papa in the living area. He must have had the same plan as her because he was in his new clothes and holding the basket over his shoulder.
“Ready?” He asked with a smile.
“Oh yes,” She replied. “Where are we going?”
She saw his eyes narrow, and his expression fell a little.
“I thought we’d take a walk along the swamp road.” He said carefully.
She stepped away from him. “No,” she said in a calm, monotone voice.
So that was what this was all about. The new cloths and the new attitude were just a trick to get her to go down that stupid road. She felt betrayed. Without another word, she fled to her room. She flung herself onto the bed and began to cry. She was tired of crying, yet she could not stop. For a beautiful moment, she thought things were going to be different. She thought Papa had changed, and they were going to be a family again. The sun set on her hopes and the memory of its short-lived brilliance made its absence all the more painful. There was a knock on her door. She ignored it. Another knock. More silence.
“Mika, can I come in please?”
Her father’s voice sounded cautious, and his knocking was gentle. She continued to ignore him. Several moments passed, and Mika heard the door latch being opened. She rolled to face away from the door as Papa slowly opened it. She didn’t hear him cross the room, but the bed sagged a little as he sat down.
You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.
“I know you’re scared, but I really think this is something we should do.”
“What do you know?” She asked. “You’re not scared of anything.”
“Oh, Mika, if only that were true,” he said. “I’m afraid all the time.”
She rubbed her eyes and turned to face him. His expression was so open it was hard to stay mad.
“Mika,” he said, “Have you ever heard the story of Caleb the Gardener?”
“No,” she said simply.
“Caleb the Gardener lived a long time ago in a quiet little village. He loved everything beautiful and devoted his life to the tending of his massive garden. He covered every inch of his land in the most colorful and wondrous flowers, trees, and hedges. As the garden grew, he would create gorgeous pathways so that passersby could stroll at their leisure and enjoy his creation. He was perfectly content and had no care beyond his single passion. One afternoon, while sculpting a path along a small hill that bordered the garden, he discovered the opening to a cave. He drew near and was overcome with a powerful fear. He dropped his tools and fled. He tried many times to return to that spot, but every time the fear won out, and he retreated. He lived his life in fear of that cave, and his garden suffered. He could not expand in any direction other than that of the foul place, so his progress halted. Eventually, he put the fearful cave out of his mind and devoted his energy to those parts of the garden that were already complete. He spent the remainder of his life happily caring for his plants, but he was always aware of that niggling fear. Just before he died, he confided to his family that his only regret was not being able to finish his garden, and he cursed the cave with his last breath. They buried Caleb in the middle of his creation. After the funeral, his oldest son went to the cave that has cost his father his dream. He felt no fear and went directly into it. And do you know what he found there?”
Mika was so absorbed in the story that the question surprised her. “What did he find?” she said breathlessly.
“Nothing. The cave was absolutely empty.”
Mika sat up. “Nothing?” She asked. “If there was nothing in there, why was he afraid?”
“He was afraid because he didn’t know there was nothing there. His mind turned the unknown into something fearful, and he could never overcome it.”
Mika was confused, and it must have been evident because Papa continued.
“Don’t you see?” He said pleadingly. “If you don’t face your fears, you let them control you, and you might find out too late that there was never really anything to be afraid of.”
“But what if there is something to be afraid of?” She asked.
“Then you face it and move on. But this is a fear you don’t have to face alone. I will be with you every step of the way.” He said confidently.
“Every step,” she asked quietly.
“Yes, Mika, every step. I think it’s important, we say goodbye. That’s the fear I will be facing today. I have avoided it for so long, and it has tortured me.”
Mika was having a hard time believing that Papa was ever afraid. He had been in the army, and he had challenged anyone that dared come onto his land, no matter how strong they were. These were not things you could do while being afraid, she thought. In the end, her desire to spend the day with Papa decided the matter.
“Ok,” she said.
“Thank you, dear.”
He got up from the bed and held out a hand to her. She took it, and with a great tug, he pulled her up and into an embrace. The hug lasted for only a moment, but Mika thought she could get used to this.
They strolled with Papa carrying the blanket, and Mika toting the basket. The day was bright, and it was just cold enough that the exertion was comfortable. Mika glanced at the sky and saw a large bird swoop low to the ground then retake flight.
“What was that?” She asked.
Papa looked up just in time to see the bird disappear into the distance. “Probably a hawk,” he said. “They’re pretty common in these parts.”
She wondered why she had never noticed them before. It seemed like the whole world was new. She kept her eyes on the sky, hoping for another glimpse of the majestic bird and did not notice that they had stepped off the road. She took several steps before she realized she was walking on the grass. Taking her eyes off the sky, she saw that they were in front of a large tree. It stood alone and dominated the area.
“This,” Papa said, “is the very spot where I asked your mother to marry me. When she said yes, I drew my knife to carve our names in the bark. She threatened to change her mind if I did. She told me it was a sin to harm another living thing for something so vain. That was when I really knew I loved her. She was so caring and compassionate. I actually buried the knife right here at the base of the tree. As an offering of penance, I told her.”
Mika did not know what to say. They stood there for a while, and then Papa patted the trunk and turned to leave. They made their way to the swamp in this way. Occasionally they would stop, and he would tell her a story about a place, they would linger a while, then move on. She had never heard most of the stories, and with each one, she felt closer to her mother. The long-sustained pain was melting away, and her steps grew lighter. Finally, they were on the swamp road. If only the fear had gone away with the pain, she thought.
Papa seemed to have run out of happy memories because now he walked in silence. His attitude reflected her own hesitation, and she hoped he would turn around and run. That was what she wanted to do. Unfortunately, he walked on. Without warning, he stopped. It didn’t seem like they had gone very far, but when she looked back, she could not see where the road turned onto their farm.
She had never been to this spot before, but she somehow knew this was where her mother had perished. She walked to the water’s edge and peered into its depths. It almost seemed like it was calling her. She jumped as Papa put his hand on her shoulder. They both stood there looking into the murky swamp. The surface was so placid it was hard to think anyone could drown in it. Papa gently took the basket from and pulled out a small float with a candle in the center.
“What is that?” she asked.
He fumbled with his small tender box. “I got it from Brother Mark when I was in town. It’s called a spirit boat.” He drew a long piece of straw from the basket and lit the end. He touched it to the wick, and the candle came to life. It was set into the boat, so the flames made the whole thing seem to glow.
“A spirit boat? What does it do?”
He motioned for her to take one side. “It’s supposed to take a message to the spirit of the departed, or some such nonsense. It seemed the best way to say goodbye.”
They lowered into the water and gave a gentle push.
“Seline, my love, you were a wonderful wife and gave me a wonderful daughter. I’ll always love you.”
For only the second time in her life, Mika saw her Papa cry as she watched the boat float away. It seemed to be moving too fast for the still waters. She wanted to say something, but her mouth would not move. She just watched the light grow dimmer as the boat made its way further into the swamp. Finally, words burst from her.
“Mama!” She screamed. “I love you, mama!”
The boat burst into flames, and a small tendril of smoke rose into the air, then the light was gone.
“I think she heard us,” Papa said weakly.
The walk back was somber and quiet; each of them absorbed in their own thoughts. Mika could not get the feeling of longing as she stood facing the water out of her mind. She had wanted to go into it, she still did. She looked at the swamp and noticed something strange at the edge. It was pushed up against a small bush, and she could just make out an outline.
“Papa, what’s that?”
“What’s what?” He asked.
“There’s something by the water over there, near that bush.” She pointed to where she had seen the object.
They hurried to the spot and found a small boat. It looked like it had been pushed into the bush to hide it, but it must have come loose.
“Mika, step back, please,” Papa said. His voice was harsh, and she recognized the familiar anger.
He examined the ground, pacing back and forth. When he was done, he looked up at the sun.
“We’re going to town,” he said.
It didn’t matter how much Papa had changed in the last few days, Mika knew better than to ask questions when he sounded like this. She had no breath to spare for talking in any case. They were moving at almost a run.
They reached the inn just after full dark. Despite the cold, she was sweating immensely, and she paused at the door to catch her breath. Papa must have forgotten she was there because he walked right into the inn without her.
When she entered, she saw Papa standing at the bar arguing with a man.
“Not the swamp again, Aedon?” he said. “I thought you were past that.”
It seemed Papa was having a hard time controlling himself because his voice kept rising and lowering.
“Someone was in my swamp, Sean!” He said. “I found a boat and some tracks. I want you to come out and take a look.”
“Aedon, I have a business to run. I can’t go chasing every phantom you think has defiled your precious swamp. I told you, I’m done with that.”
“Sean, please,” Papa said calmly, “just once more. I found tracks, and it looks like whoever it was took something. I found indications that something was being dragged. You’re three times the hunter I am, maybe you can make something out of it.”
The man hung his head. “Ok, Aedon. I will do it just once more, but not tonight. We will go first thing in the morning. Now, how about I get you and Mika something to eat and a room.”
Mika walked up to the bar and looked closely at the man. He seemed familiar.
“Hello, Mika, I’m Sean,” the man said. “I bet you don’t remember me, but I’m an old friend of your dad.”
“Hello Sean, I’m pleased to meet you,” she said, trying hard to sound like a proper town girl.
“Well, aren’t you polite? Your dad and I have some things to do tomorrow. How would you like to stay here for a couple of days?”
The thought of staying in the inn excited her. She had never slept anywhere but her house before.
“Oh, yes! That would be wonderful!” She exclaimed.
“Good, I’ll get you some dinner and then you can go to your room.”
When Mika finished eating, Sean had a serving girl show her to a small room. It was the fanciest room she had ever seen. The bed looked soft, and she jumped onto it. As soon as she was under the covers, she was asleep.